Tell Yourself
by Princess Kitty1
Summary: They've survived the war. He's gained a heart. Now Ulquiorra and Orihime get to face their most interesting challenge yet: living together. A series of drabbles and interrelated one-shots in which shenanigans ensue.
1. Completely Different

**A/N: **So, I finally gave in and decided to do one of these things… despite the fact that I strictly told myself that I wouldn't. But with all the cute one-shot ideas parading around my head… well, let's just say that they make it hard to concentrate in class. The main purpose of this series is to see how UlquiHime would work out on the daily, and to see how many shenanigans Orihime can get Ulquiorra into, because she is who she is and he'll try to understand her, even if it kills him.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Bleach or anything other copyrighted material.

**Tell Yourself**

**By: Princess Kitty1**

**Completely Different**

Ulquiorra Cifer sat on the living room sofa, his posture tense, eyes slightly wide in something akin to horror. He honestly could not believe what he was witnessing. In fact, it was so shocking that _never_ would he have imagined something like this happening. It was simply beyond his comprehension, which was a preposterous thought in and of itself. But when it came to Orihime Inoue, he was beginning to learn that most things that she did made absolutely no sense, no matter how long he would lay awake at night pondering her behavior (six hours was the current record).

On the other end of the sofa, with her smooth legs tucked beneath her, Orihime was caught in a fit of uncontrollable laughter. It had gotten to the point where she was no longer even making sound; her upper body shook noiselessly save for the occasional squeak resulting from her sharp inhalations. Her lips were stretched as far as they could go, straight teeth clenched together, and she was nearly folded in half, her long red hair falling over her shoulders and hanging suspended in the air. Then she stopped altogether, her large eyes fixed on the television screen, and waited a moment before slapping both hands over her mouth, tears sliding down her cheeks as her eyelids squeezed together in another round of hysterics. "It hurts!" she squealed between her fingers before falling onto her side.

Ulquiorra had also turned his attention back to the television, slightly alarmed at the notion that she was in pain, but deciding against doing anything to soothe her – she had brought it upon herself, after all. No, he was more concerned about _what _was causing her to laugh so hard, as the fact that she laughed a lot no longer surprised him as much as it initially had.

On screen, a pair of humans clad in thick winter clothing traveled down a snowy slope on what looked like an oversized car tire. As they neared the bottom of the hill, the tube hit a hidden ridge at full speed, catapulting the humans a good ten feet into the air. Limbs flailing, they struggled to regain their balance as they descended towards the ground, but it was no good. Both plowed face-first into the snow, backs arching, legs curling above their bodies before settling with a _thud_. But the most horrendous thing about this clip had to be the fact that the two humans depicted could not have been over the age of five years… and Orihime, the girl who had worried herself sick over the safety of her companions, was in uproar, as if this was the funniest thing she had ever seen.

Immediately the television cut to a new clip, in which a couple dressed in what Ulquiorra recognized to be human wedding garments were climbing down a set of stairs. The bride, in her beautiful kimono, suddenly slipped and fell backwards, taking her startled husband with her. Right after that, a car on an icy street failed to brake properly and rear-ended the one in front of it, which then caused a chain reaction of at least six rear-endings that sent nearby pedestrians running in all directions. The montage of mayhem continued, all set to a cheerful rendition of the cancan, which Ulquiorra had recently learned – through an interesting demonstration from Orihime herself – was a physically demanding dance that, for whatever reason, involved high-kicking.

Finally the clips came to an end, returning to the show's grinning host and applauding audience. Orihime panted and giggled, wiping her cheeks, while Ulquiorra stared down at her, completely appalled. He had expected nothing when he had first come to live with her. In the past few weeks, though, he had been able to make a few tentative predictions as to what she would do in certain situations. But _this_… this display of inexcusable cruelty, of utter remorselessness was… was…

Well, to be honest, he wasn't sure if he should be disgusted or excited. He really ought to devote some time in the library to figuring out these puzzling emotions.

"Woman," he said to her as she straightened with an energetic _woo!_ and reached up to fix her hair, "I do not understand what you found so humorous about those videos." She turned to him, blinking as if she had just remembered his presence.

It bothered him a little, but it unfortunately happened often; he had observed that Orihime had very vivid and engaging daydreams, which would cause her to frequently zone out, then have sporadic outbursts of nonsense throughout the day. Last time she had roused from one such fantasy, she had yelled for Ulquiorra to close the window before their dinner 'escaped.' Having been preparing said dinner at the time, he had stared down at the pan in confusion before she had run and closed it herself, complaining that for a former Espada, he sure was slow.

Presently, Orihime looked at the television, which was on a commercial break, then back at Ulquiorra. "Oh!" He stared at her expectantly, green eyes unblinking, mouth pulled down in something of a frown, and Orihime felt compelled to poke him in the chest for the umpteenth time to make sure the hollow hole was really gone."But… weren't you watching? It was hilarious."

"Yes, I noted that from your reaction," Ulquiorra said shortly. "What I do not get is how _you _could possibly find such violence against your fellow kind humorous, considering your dramatics in Hueco Mundo over the endangerment of your nakama."

Orihime's mouth fell open. "Ulquiorra, this is completely different!" She waved her hand dismissively. "No one actually gets hurt in those videos. I mean, sure it _looks _like they do, but it wouldn't be on the show if someone had truly gotten injured."

Ulquiorra stared at her flatly. "So what you are saying," he began slowly, "is that your species finds such sadistic behavior perfectly acceptable, so long as nobody gets hurt?"

She frowned. "Well, when you put it that way, it sounds so _bad_."

"I am merely making an honest observation."

Stretching her legs out and wiggling her toes within the confines of her socks, Orihime stood up and skipped towards the kitchen for a snack. "Come on, Ulquiorra! It's not that serious. You should loosen up every once in a whi-_eel_!" Her sentence ended in a scream as her clothed foot slipped on the tiled floor and she spilled onto her rear end. "Ah!" she hissed, reaching behind her to rub her now sore backside.

Ulquiorra, who had been watching a far-too-colorful commercial for a fast food restaurant, glanced at her over his shoulder. "Are you alright?" he asked noncommittally.

"Oh, yeah, I'm fine," Orihime muttered, grabbing the edge of the counter to hoist herself up from the floor.

Ulquiorra stared a moment longer. "_Ha_," he said finally, with the same detached expression as always, "ha ha." Then he barely managed to dodge an apple-turned-projectile, which slammed into the wall behind him with enough force to put a dent in the fruit. Orihime stuck her tongue out at him, her cheeks burning with embarrassment as she turned and pulled open the refrigerator, grumbling something along the lines of "_It's not funny_." Ulquiorra stood up to retrieve the bruised apple.

His pseudo-humanity may have caused him to lose some of his arrancar reflexes, but it hadn't robbed him of his ability to win an argument.

**/**

**A/N: **How was that? Cute enough? I guess I'll be updating this thing sporadically as more little drabbles come to me. This one was inspired by countless afternoons of watching America's Funniest Home Videos.

By the way, the title of this series, _Tell Yourself_, comes from a song of the same name by the Korean group Clazziquai. Look up the lyrics, then look up the song and feel free to dance around your bedroom. :D

Liked it? Want to see more? Click that review button and let me know!


	2. This Is It Boys, This Is War

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Bleach or anything mentioned in this fic.

**Tell Yourself**

**By: Princess Kitty1**

**This Is It Boys, This Is War**

After a long day of school, followed by an even longer afternoon working at the bakery down the road, Orihime was glad to be able to come home and unwind. But the fact that she spent most of her time in the kitchen these days did not lessen her love of cooking, and she would often head straight past the living room and her bed alike in favor of starting dinner. Sometimes she would have Ulquiorra help, as his input had turned some of her more flavorless and questionable dishes into masterpieces. Really, where did he learn all this stuff? Ah, well, she supposed getting him a library card had been a good thing.

On a sunny day in March, she entered her apartment after work with a tray of treats sealed tightly under saran wrap. Tucked safely inside the plastic were two jelly-filled donuts and one adorable, creamy cupcake, baked yellow with the occasional chocolate chip, its top smothered in white icing and one delicately placed cherry. She had been staring at the cupcakes her entire shift, mouth watering, praying that one would be leftover for her to take home and she had gotten just that: one sad, lonely cupcake, ready and waiting to be devoured. "I'm home!" she called out, marching purposefully towards the kitchen.

Ulquiorra emerged from the hallway, hands in his pockets. "Welcome back," he said, remembering the human etiquette lessons she had given him when he had first come to live with her. Eyeing her curiously, he said nothing as she threw open the refrigerator door and slid the tray neatly inside.

"I brought some donuts for the both of us, but the cupcake is mine," she warned him unnecessarily. Ulquiorra wasn't overly fond of sweets, though he would eat them on the occasion. "How was your day?"

"Uneventful." That was what he said every time she asked, and yet after some prying she would discover that he'd been roped into conversation with the senile old woman in the apartment two doors down, or that he'd run into Kurosaki-kun and his sisters on his way from the library and had been declared 'handsome' by the youngest, Yuzu. Once he had even saved a stray cat from getting hit by a car, which she only found out because it had ungratefully scratched him across the cheek, cutting three lines perpendicular to the one leading down from his eye. He'd sourly declared that he would never go out of his way for another dumb beast in his life.

"Alright, well, I'm making beef for dinner. Want to help me prepare?"

He didn't say yes, but he didn't say no either, which meant that he would jump in the moment she dropped something, and that happened often. So he took a seat at the counter to wait, his eyes on Orihime's back. She bustled about the space, cheerfully humming a song that he had heard on the radio once or twice, bouncing on her feet in an improvised sort of dance.

Ulquiorra had yet to outgrow his habit of observing her, but he couldn't help being fascinated by this happy, colorful woman. Compared to the girl he had been charged with watching over in Las Noches, she was almost another person entirely. Their faces were the same, the hair a bit different, but their mannerisms were close to nothing alike. He wondered if it had come with age, but her friends had insisted that this was how she _normally _acted, so he supposed that he'd never truly had her figured out like he'd thought he had. The thought was, oddly, both unsettling and comforting at the same time. He wouldn't have been there had she not been just another predictable human being.

For once, Orihime did not drop anything, which she insisted that they celebrate with sake, but Ulquiorra declined. He helped her set the table and, shortly after, dinner was served.

Orihime devoured a good number of helpings, voicing her pleasure with sighs and wriggles. Ulquiorra said nothing, but took seconds, and then thirds. There was enough food on the table to feed a small army thanks to Orihime's voracious appetite, so she wasn't particularly concerned about running out until she noticed that they were getting short on beef.

Her chewing slowed. She looked up at Ulquiorra and caught his eye as he leaned over to grab another piece, his chopsticks hovering uncertainly for a moment before he continued, undaunted. Her lips pulled downwards. She also took another piece, trying to be quick in wolfing it down without alerting him to the fact that she was determined to get the last slice of meat. He minded his own food, looking very much content with what he had.

Little did Orihime know that Ulquiorra also had his eye on the last cut of beef; he did, after all, take pride in the fact that he could see _everything_. But he knew that if he ate at the same speed that she was going, he would probably choke, as she did shortly after, coughing and sputtering into her napkin. Foolish woman. "You should slow down," he told her helpfully.

Orihime smiled, but it was as shallow as a rain puddle. "Thank you for the suggestion, Ulquiorra."

"You're welcome, woman."

She took a sip of water, her gaze locked on the beef. Ulquiorra was still chewing. Yes! She'd won! Feeling her heart swell with excitement, she reached out with her chopsticks…

…only to have them caught by Ulquiorra's.

Silence filled the living room. Emerald green eyes met cloudy gray. Four chopsticks rested above one piece of beef. Neither of them spoke, neither of them seemed to breathe.

And then he knocked hers across the room, a triumphant and self-satisfied smirk just barely touching his face as he went to grab his prize. But suddenly there was a burst of light, and Ulquiorra's eyes widened as the flat ends of his chopsticks hit the shield of Orihime's shun shun rikka. Now it was her turn to boast a victorious grin.

Of course, Ulquiorra would not stand for defeat. His gaze flickered to his zanpakuto, Murcielago, which sat up against the wall beside the television. As Orihime grabbed a new pair of chopsticks to retrieve the beef, he tore away from the table in a nice demonstration of his superior speed and grabbed the sword. The infuriating woman held the beef just inches from her open mouth, one hand underneath it in case it fell, her eyes already closed in anticipation of the delicious taste.

Instead, she felt the cold steel of Murcielago's blade against her neck. Her eyes opened wide. Ulquiorra was leaning across the small table, poised to strike, his eyes frigid and humorless. "Drop it, woman," he spoke in the same commanding tone he had used on her countless times in the past, "and this will not have to end in bloodshed."

Orihime gulped down air, staring at the sword nervously. She could feel the sharp edge just a breath away from her skin. This was a life or death situation, she knew… but then again, her imprisonment had been also, and she'd come out of that alive. "Woman," Ulquiorra repeated dangerously as her gaze slid to the piece of perfectly seasoned beef awaiting consumption. A wicked smile stretched across her face. "Wo - !" He was cut off as she unceremoniously plopped the food into her mouth, chewing happily, her mocking expression as spiteful as a laugh in the face. And as if that weren't bad enough, she stuck out her tongue after swallowing, showing him that there was nothing left.

Ulquiorra pulled the sword away from her and sheathed it. "You will not get away with this," he assured her, standing from the table.

"I already _have_ gotten away with it," Orihime said impishly, following him with her gaze. "Wait… where are you going?" She asked as he padded into the kitchen. Wordlessly, he pulled open the refrigerator door and reached for the plastic-wrapped tray she had brought in earlier, turning and setting it down on the counter with a _thwack_. "What do you think you're doing?" Orihime stood up, her short-lived victory dying as concern took hold of her. But Ulquiorra did not reply. He ripped open the plastic and seized the yellow-with-chocolate-chips cupcake, iced white, a single cherry sitting lopsided on top of it. He held it up for her to see. "You wouldn't!" Orihime cried. Not the cupcake! Anything but the cupcake that she had prayed for and waited all day to eat! That was _hers_; it was connected to her by destiny! There was no way that Ulquiorra would –

He lifted the cupcake to his mouth and dragged his tongue straight across the side and top of it, taking the cherry between his teeth and showing it to her before skillfully rolling it beneath his canine and biting down savagely. Then he maneuvered the cupcake into his palm and licked the frosting off of his fingers.

About five seconds of silence passed before Orihime let out the savage cry of a woman whose child had just been slain, ran into the kitchen, and tackled Ulquiorra to the floor. The ensuing scuffle lasted approximately two minutes before the apartment's front door slammed open noisily and Ichigo, Rukia, Uryuu and Chad tumbled inside, their weapons drawn. "Inoue-san?" they called out in alarm just as she and Ulquiorra rolled into the living room. He had her pinned, one hand gripping both of her slender wrists as he held the cupcake out of her reach, his legs preventing hers from kicking. "Inoue!" Ichigo yelled, and they both froze, staring up at the small group.

Orihime blinked slowly. "Oh! Uh, hey guys!" She looked up at Ulquiorra and her face went four different shades of red, realizing that their position must have been rather compromising. "We, err, weren't expecting company."

"Oh my," Rukia grinned.

Orihime hurriedly pushed Ulquiorra away, forgetting the cupcake entirely. Satisfied, he crossed his legs and took a bite out of it, chewing peacefully. "This isn't what it looks… why are you all here?" She pushed her hair back from her flaming face, honestly curious.

Rukia sheathed her blade while Chad's arms returned to normal and Ishida's bow dissipated. Ichigo was the only one who stood his ground, though his expression had changed from one of panic to one that clearly stated _I really don't want to know_. "We sensed spikes in both of your reiatsu and thought there was some sort of trouble."

Ulquiorra licked frosting off of his lips, rather amused and satisfied at the notion that the shinigami had made a bad judgment call.

"No, no… we were just… having dinner." Orihime's shoulders sagged in defeat, knowing that no matter what she said at this point, her friends would now think of her and Ulquiorra as deviants. Not that they'd been doing anything at all, but it could have easily been misconstrued, if Ishida and Chad's flushed cheeks and Rukia's wide smile were anything to go by.

Needless to say, they were forced to explain themselves to Soul Society through the communication module left behind in her apartment by Matsumoto and Hitsugaya, as they had monitored the reiatsu spike and had been ready to launch an entire squadron of shinigami into Karakura Town. Several head-bows and it-won't-happen-agains later, the screen flickered off. They stood in silence a moment longer before Orihime shoved Ulquiorra in the shoulder. He caught his balance, then promptly shoved her back.

**/TBC/**


	3. All in the Stars

**A/N: ** **To answer a common question, **Ulquiorra is not in gigai; he has gained a heart, lost the mask fragment but kept the "tear" markings, and has lost a chunk of his Espada power though most of it remains. Thus, pseudo-humanity.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Bleach or anything else mentioned in this fic.

**Tell Yourself**

**By: Princess Kitty1**

**All in the Stars**

There were many things that Orihime had come to expect when she arrived at her apartment. When she announced that she was home, Ulquiorra would greet her. Sometimes he would be watching television, though more often than not, he was lying on the couch holding an open book above his head, a small stack of other complicated titles on the table either waiting to be read or already finished.

She had noticed that he liked philosophical things that ruminated life's most probing questions, though last month he had gone through an art phase. This had led to several afternoons of them sitting together, staring at large pages covered with paintings and statues, struggling to grasp what sort of meaning an artist was trying to convey through a depiction of a pregnant woman with the embryo of a chicken growing inside of her swollen belly.

"Cowardice," Ulquiorra had stated simply.

"I think he was just hungry," she'd replied.

Today, however, she was not greeted by Ulquiorra's toneless voice welcoming her home. She had no sooner opened her mouth to ask if he was there when all of a sudden, she'd been pulled against someone's chest and dragged into the bedroom, where the door was slammed shut and locked. Instinctively, she pulled away from the body and stared up at Ulquiorra in bewilderment. "What are you doing?"

"Quiet," he said sternly, charging towards the window and snapping down the blinds to glance outside. "Take shelter in the closet and keep your hairpins close."

Orihime's eyes widened. "Why? What's going on?" Her voice took on a squeak of panic.

"Where is your cellular device? Contact the shinigami immediately and notify him that Aizen Sousuke has broken out of his prison and is on his way here."

"_What_?" she screamed, patting her bakery apron until she found her phone. She stared at the screen, hands shaking so hard that she could barely dial the numbers. "How did this happen? What's going _on_? I thought they said that he was locked up for… oh God!" She then remembered that she still hadn't committed Kurosaki-kun's number to memory, nor was she technology savvy, so she had no idea which glowing icon led to her contacts. The stick figure, the book, or the retro telephone? "Who told you this?" she asked the pacing Ulquiorra, who had Murcielago strapped at his waist.

"A human did."

"Was it Urahara-san?"

"No. It was some other person not associated with Soul Society."

Orihime's anxiety shot through the roof. Now there was some mysterious person out there with knowledge of the spiritual realm? Were they working for Aizen? "Tell me what happened," she said as she continued to search for her contacts.

Ulquiorra nodded as if he were addressing a superior at a mission briefing. "Earlier, you instructed me to go to the convenience store on the corner to retrieve ingredients for tonight's meal. I left at around noon and took the appointed route. However, about halfway there, I was stopped by a human dressed in strange, shimmering robes. They then attempted to convince me that they had been born with the ability to see into the future."

Orihime stared at him blankly.

"I would have dismissed them as insane, but being personally acquainted with you, and having had plenty of demonstrations of your otherworldly powers, I decided to stay and listen to the man. He then grabbed my wrist, scrutinized the lines of my palm, and at some length stated that I would be visited by an old enemy," Ulquiorra concluded.

The cell phone fell out of Orihime's hands and hit the floor with a clatter. She wanted to laugh, really, but the look on his face was so serious that she knew she probably shouldn't. "Oh, Ulquiorra," she walked over and touched his arm gently, "Aizen isn't coming." He stared down at her, eyes narrowing. "That guy was just one of those phony street psychics. They read your palm, make a funny face and then spout some general statement that could apply to anyone, anywhere, at any time."

"Why on Earth would they do that?"

"Money," she said with a shrug.

Huh. Ulquiorra had run off so fast that the man hadn't gotten the chance to ask for any money. "So then, that man was lying."

"Yup."

"Aizen is still in prison… _not _on his way here."

"Exactly."

Ulquiorra had half a mind to go out, find the psychic, point a cero at his chest and blast him to kingdom come. But then something else occurred to him, and he looked down at Orihime, releasing his death grip on Murcielago's hilt. "You're safe."

Orihime blinked, her cheeks taking on a rosy tinge. Why was he staring at her like that? "Yeah, I'm safe." She smoothed her apron down self-consciously, deciding to change the subject. "So, uh, street psychics and TV psychics! They're all phonies most of the time. Not Don Kanonji, though! He's a personal friend of ours, and we know that he can see spirits." Ulquiorra's eyebrows knit together. He'd noticed the awkward transition. She had to do something to distract him. "You know what's not fake, though? Horoscopes! Those things _can't _be fake; it's all in the stars!"

"All in the stars?" Ulquiorra repeated slowly.

"Yes! Here, uh," she looked around the room, found a fashion magazine that she had recently brought home and flipped to the back page where the monthly horoscope was listed. "Your birthday is on December first, so you're a Sagittarius."

"A what?"

"And according to this thing right here, your week is going to turn out nicely! Your finances are low, but your love life is supposed to improve soon. Also, you are going to be…" Orihime paused, staring at the glossy page with a smile plastered onto her face. Ulquiorra moved closer and took a look at it as well.

_You are going to be visited by an old enemy_.

Ulquiorra's head turned slowly towards her, his eyes narrowing. Orihime snapped the magazine shut and tossed it over her shoulder. "Well! What do these stupid things know, huh? It's all written by a bunch of bored, middle-aged ladies anyway – eek!" she cried out as Ulquiorra pushed her into the closet and slammed the door shut.

He made a decision that evening that he would no longer believe any so-called predictions of the future. And then Grimmjow and Nel turned up for a visit a few days later, so he amended his decision to exclude magazines from the banned list.

**/TBC/**

**A/N: **For some reason, I think that someone as serious as Ulquiorra totally would fall for that stuff. Actually, I feel a little bad for him, getting swindled like that. Oh well. He's learned his lesson. XD

This one was short, but do leave a review! I know y'all saw the fluff in there!


	4. Bad Hair Day

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Bleach or any other copyrighted material.

**Tell Yourself**

**By: Princess Kitty1**

**Bad Hair Day**

Orihime bit down on her lower lip to keep the bubbling giggles from surfacing from her stomach. He had fallen asleep again – how cute! She was no longer quite as amazed as she had been the first time it had happened; after all, plenty of people were lulled to sleep by someone else massaging their scalp. Even she would end up a snoring spectacle upon paying a visit to her stylist.

Ulquiorra, though? That had been completely unexpected. A few months prior, when their living arrangement was still new, he had emerged from the shower, black hair sticking out in all directions. Trying her best not to laugh at him – he was easily annoyed by the things he didn't understand back then – she had offered to fix his hair for him. Of course he'd declined at first, but after much insistence he had resigned himself and sat down against the sofa. She'd then perched herself on the cushions and had been at work no more than five minutes before he'd dozed off.

Now Orihime lifted her hands away from his head, leaning over to peer at his sleeping face. These were the only times that she could witness such a thing, as he usually woke up before her and went to bed after her.

"Ulquiorra," she whispered.

"Hmm?" came the groggy reply.

"You're asleep."

"No I'm not, woman," he said with eyes still closed.

She rolled her eyes and continued, pushing his hair away from his forehead. She had already untangled it – Ulquiorra always pulled faces when she did so – and was now having fun trying to decide what to do with it. What would it look like slicked back? She took a moment to picture him dressed and dashing in a tux, with her on his arm in some spicy, shimmering, strappy gown. They would be attending the party of an important government official…

…but wait, what were those ninjas doing there? Damn it, they'd found them! She cut Ulquiorra a look, which he acknowledged with a small nod. He had seen them too. They headed through the crowd, out to the dance floor where he casually put his hand on her waist and she slipped her fingers through his. Easy, now. They had to waltz like a couple in love, not a pair of secret agents with kunai aimed at their backs. She kept an eye over his shoulder, and him over hers, for some kind of defense. There! The waiter was approaching with a tray of hors'dourves. Orihime leaned in and placed a kiss against Ulquiorra's cheek, lingering a moment to whisper, "Two seconds."

Then she pulled away from him, lifted the skirt of her dress and withdrew the gun strapped to her thigh, pointed it over Ulquiorra's shoulder and began to fire at the ninjas. The socialites were sent screaming, ducking and running towards the exits as the black-clad assassins poured into the ballroom, knocking over sharply dressed men and gorgeous women in their haste to intercept the couple in the middle of the dance floor. Ulquiorra tripped the panicked waiter and stole his tray, using it as a shield just as a rain of kunai flew at them. Orihime pressed herself against his back, and as he turned to deflect the weapons, she shot at the ninja, taking out an entire row of them.

But the room was quickly filling with more, and she was out of bullets. The situation was looking desperate. Glancing back at Ulquiorra, she saw that he was injured, a kunai having sunken deep into his leg. "Woman," he panted, his green eyes pinched in pain and worry. She knew what he was trying to say: _run_. She had to run, and he would hold them off for as long as he could.

"No!" Her eyes glistened with unshed tears. "I won't leave you behind! We're in this together, Ulquiorra! Together!"

"_Woman_," he said more insistently, and she snapped back to the present, blinking twice. Her fists were currently clenching two clumps of black hair, and Ulquiorra was glaring up at her in annoyance. Orihime gasped and let go quickly.

"Sorry! I must have been daydreaming…" Smoothing his hair down, she reached for the comb and began untangling it again. Ulquiorra crossed his arms, staring ahead at the TV, wondering what could have possibly been going through the girl's head to make her squeeze his hair so tightly. Of course, he had learned a long time ago that sometimes it was best not to ask. He probably wouldn't have understood whatever she told him anyway.

Soon the evil comb was gone, replaced by her thin fingers, and Ulquiorra's irritation melted into drowsiness. His eyelids began to droop, his focus slipping. By the time the next commercial break came around, he was fast asleep, and Orihime was trying to suppress her giggles at his adorable face.

Now then, what else could she do with his hair? Technically, it was long enough for her to put into a stubby ponytail at the nape of his neck. She closed her eyes, and suddenly she was tied to the mast of a pirate ship on a stormy sea, soaked through from the driving rain. At the steering wheel was Gin Ichimaru, the trademark grin on his face made sinister by flashing lightning. And standing a few feet away, Aizen Sousuke and Tousen Kaname had a watchful eye on Ulquiorra, who was precariously balanced halfway down a plank of wood hanging off the side of the vessel.

Ulquiorra looked back at Orihime briefly, his expression unreadable as the white shirt he wore slapped wetly against his emaciated body. They had been captives there for weeks now, fed nothing but the same scraps given to the dogs. Aizen had originally intended for them to be hostages to get a healthy ransom in exchange for their lives, but the British navy – and Orihime's high class parents – refused to pay. What did it matter that a teenage girl and one soldier out of millions would die in vain on the high seas? It wasn't like they were particularly important to anyone.

"Come now, Ulquiorra, do cooperate," said Aizen, his cutlass drawn and pointed at the black-haired youth's back. "We can't keep the sharks waiting."

On cue, Tia Harribel surfaced from the water, surrounded by a pack of great whites with gnarled, snapping teeth and hulking, writhing bodies. Ulquiorra, hands casually tucked into his pockets, didn't look the least bit worried. "You may threaten me all that you like, but rest assured, this ship will be _mine_," he said to Aizen, who chuckled in response.

"Ah, but Mr. Cifer, how will you take it from me in your current position?" He nodded once at Tousen, who stepped forward and gave Ulquiorra a rough push.

"No!" Orihime screamed as he fell from the plank, lightning flashing and thunder rumbling as he plummeted to his death in the waters below. She hung her head, sobs shaking her body, the tight rope digging into the underside of her breasts. It was over. She would be next, and her stupid parents would have the last laugh. Oh, if only she could have become a pirate, traveled to their home on the coast and blasted them and their riches full of cannonballs!

"What? What is _that_?" Aizen's growling voice forced her attention back to the plank. What indeed? Oh, could it have been – was that really—? It was! It was Ulquiorra! And Peter Pan and Tinkerbell! Oh, such a glorious sight! They were flying! Surely Aizen and his dastardly crew were going to get it now! Her heart swelled with joy, the hope and the magic swirling around her like the pixie dust in the –

"_Woman_."

Orihime glanced down at Ulquiorra. Once again, her fingers had wound themselves through his hair so tightly that she was pulling his skin upwards. "Eeek! I'm so sorry!" she cried, releasing him at once. "I was just so happy to see that you were alright!"

A sigh. "Of course I'm alright. I haven't gone anywhere."

Orihime laughed sheepishly, patting his hair down. Ulquiorra tore away from her hands, no longer caring for her bipolar ministrations. "Leave it alone, woman."

"But it's still - !"

"I said _leave it_." He stood up and walked away from, headed towards the hall. Orihime pressed her lips together, trying to hold in her laughter as she wondered how long it would take Ulquiorra to notice that his hair resembled a bird of paradise on one side and a bush on the other. She waited patiently, and fifteen seconds later, he strolled back into the living room. With a sour look on his face, he sat down against the sofa beneath her. "Fix it," he commanded.

"Yes, Ulquiorra-sama," she said cheerfully, picking up the comb for the fifth time that day. Hopefully this time she would be able to concentrate through the entire process, though the pseudo-faux-hawk on the right side of his skull had her imagining what it would be like if he were the lead singer in a screamo band.

**/TBC/**

**A/N: **Anyone want to take a guess as to how long it takes Orihime to do Ulquiorra's hair on average? How about how long it'll take for him to realize that he should start fixing it himself?

Hope you enjoyed it; and if you did, do let me know what parts you liked by clicking that review button!


	5. Love Story I

**A/N: **Welcome back! I've decided to do a miniseries within this series, which revolves around Ulquiorra and his attempts to gather some information on love throughout his library adventures. What sort of things will he end up reading? We'll see.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Bleach or any other copyrighted material.

**Tell Yourself**

**By: Princess Kitty1**

**Love Story I**

Ulquiorra stood inside of the vast Karakura library, his green eyes scanning the dusty shelves for any titles that might catch his attention. He came here at least once a week, sometimes twice, as he was a quick reader and often amazed the librarians with his hunger for knowledge. Some of them asked him what all of the books were for – was he a university student, working on a report? a high school kid trying to decide what to study? a genius looking for a challenge? – to which he would reply that he was merely trying to get a better understanding of "you humans."

The librarians, confused by the statement, simply waved it off with a giggle and said that cute intellectuals like him would get all of the girls for sure. Curious as to what they meant, he somehow ended up standing before the three librarians as they prattled on and on about the types of men they were attracted to.

What was this? Humans had 'types?' Did Orihime have a so-called 'type?' He had observed that she would act strangely around the orange-haired shinigami, giggly and blushing like these older women were – symptoms of this _love_, perhaps? He decided to find out for himself.

"Bookkeepers," he addressed them, "recommend to me a piece of literature that demonstrates this love of which you speak."

The three looked at each other. "_Romeo and Juliet_," said one.

"Most definitely," agreed the other.

"It's only the most famous love story in the history of literature!" the third cried, clasping her hands together and batting her lashes. "You know, once you get past the fact that Juliet was only – "

"Shh! Don't spoil it for him! Though I could have sworn everyone's made to read it in school," the first stepped out from behind the desk and joined Ulquiorra. "Follow me, young man." He did as he was told, hands in his pockets as she led him away from the history and reference sections, straight into literature. The librarian searched the shelf for a moment before plucking a surprisingly thin volume from between two large anthologies. "Here you are! William Shakespeare's _Romeo and Juliet_!"

Ulquiorra took the book from her, then remembered his human manners and thanked the retreating woman. He supposed he would have to read this here, as he had no doubt that Orihime would get overly excited if she saw him with such a thing. Already he could picture her smiling face, her flushed cheeks, her mischievous eyes and endless questions. Yes, he was definitely _not _taking this home.

Making his way back to the table, he cracked the book open and frowned. "What is the meaning of this?" he murmured, noticing the strange way in which the text was presented. Had it not aroused suspicion, he would have asked the librarians. But this strange formatting should do nothing to change the way he read it, right?

He sat down and turned to the first page, pondering the significance of 'scene' and 'act.' Soon he was more engrossed with the story, though, caught up in the flowery dialogue and the absolutely preposterous behavior of the two main characters. Then he would pause and flip back, making sure he was reading correctly. Was this all happening within the span of _one day_? Was it really possible for humans to fall in love so quickly?

And it was such passionate love, too. The two teenagers – wait, was Juliet only thirteen years old? – swore such undying devotion to each other that one would think that they had known each other for years, or perhaps in another lifetime. But had they not just met? Ulquiorra was fairly certain that reincarnation did not exist in this Shakespeare fellow's world.

At the end of the balcony scene, bewildered and disgusted, he glanced up to see the librarians staring at him with wide smiles. Was this the sort of entertainment that got them excited? He failed to see how this book was the most famous love story in history. But he wasn't done yet. Perhaps the end had some redeeming qualities.

Well, the Romeo boy got into a fight. Had the Prince not warned the two families that there would be repercussions if their petty rivalry continued? Ah, now that Tybalt guy was dead. He deserved it, Ulquiorra supposed. Only the scuffle caused the idiot Romeo to be banished from the city. What was he going to do about his precious Juliet now?

Ulquiorra suffered through more flowery dialogue and… he had to flip back again. Did Romeo and Juliet just mate with each other? Was that what the author was trying to say? How did…? He had been told by Orihime that humans put more meaning into mating, that it was done with someone special – preferably, someone that they had known for more than two days. Were these teenagers really so certain that they would be together forever? What if they found each other to be insufferable after they were joined in marriage? They weren't thinking this through at all, were they?

He continued reading, his interest perking a bit when Juliet was given the poison by the Friar. Huh. _Now_ they had a plan. Ulquiorra flipped through the next few pages, sensing that something was about to go wrong, and when he got to the ending…

He closed the book. The librarians glanced over at him as he stared blankly ahead with an unreadable frown, then he picked up the small volume again and reread the last few pages. Then he went through it once more for good measure.

They were dead.

The families had reconciled their differences at the cost of their children's lives. Romeo and Juliet were going to be together in death. Was there an afterlife in this universe? There was no way this was a true story. Ulquiorra closed the book and turned it over, reading the summary paragraphs at the back of it, and surely enough, he discovered that it was fiction. A play.

Still, _this _was the most famous…?

No. He refused to believe it. He glared up at the librarians, wondering if they had lied to him like the psychic had. Luckily, they weren't watching him this time. He stood up and walked over to their desk, dropping the book in front of them with a deadpanned expression. "Next time, find me a true story," he said to them coldly and walked away. Forget books; he was going home.

But throughout the day, the story continued to nag at him. It just wasn't possible that such a pessimistic waste of time could be held in such high regard by human society. And so, while they sat eating dinner, he decided to do the unthinkable: he asked Orihime.

"Romeo and Juliet?" she squealed, her eyes widening, a huge smile spreading across her face. "It's _such _a romantic story! And _of course _it's the most famous! We all had to read it in school. You should check it out from the library! You know, if you want to."

Ulquiorra stared at her. "If I were forced to read such an idiotic book for a class, I would castrate the instructor," he said flatly, then returned to his food, fuming silently as Orihime continued to smile, perplexed.

Humans, love, romance… weren't such stories supposed to have happy endings? He was starting to think that these people knew as little about love as he did.

**/TBC/**


	6. The Life and Times of Bento

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Bleach or any other copyrighted material.

**Tell Yourself**

**By: Princess Kitty1**

**The Life and Times of Bento**

It wasn't often that Orihime brought Ulquiorra presents, so he was a little suspicious when she came in swinging a small shopping bag with a cutely drawn robot on it, calling out to him in a sing-song tone. He'd been sitting in the narrow hallway reading with his feet propped up on the wall, which he knew that she hated, so he took them down quickly before peering around the corner. "Welcome home, woman."

"There you are!" She skipped over, the bag crinkling with every peppy step. "Got you something on my way home!" Kneeling next to him, she made a face at his strange reading location, then began rummaging through her purchases. "You know how you always want to learn more about humans?"

Ulquiorra made a noise of affirmation, staring down at the book.

"Well, while I was sweeping the sitting area in the bakery today, I got to thinking of how I could possibly help you. I know that you read a lot, but books can be so vague, you know? Some of them have really confusing messages!" Orihime lifted up a teddy bear, rubbed her nose against its snout, then put it back in the bag. "So anyway, I got to thinking about my own past and remembered something that Sora had given me to teach me about responsibility,"

Ah, yes, Sora, the late older brother whose picture sat in the living room. Orihime spoke with it so often that Ulquiorra had become paranoid that it could speak back, and that it would rat him out whenever he did something wrong. Like last week, when he had carelessly broken a tube of her favorite lip gloss – he had been trying to figure out how the container's contents could make her mouth sparkle – and had thrown it out the window in a moment of panic before running to the store and buying her a new one. It probably wasn't that big of a deal, but Orihime was known to be unpredictable, so he had decided to take precautions.

"Tada!" the girl cried, throwing a plastic package onto the page he was reading.

Ulquiorra glanced at the contents. It was a small green device, big enough for him to crush within his fist, with a screen tinier than the one on Orihime's cell phone and a few buttons along the bottom. A handful of strange monsters decorated the package. "What is this?" he asked, picking it up for inspection, only to have it snatched out of his hand by Orihime.

"It's a virtual pet!" she told him, standing up and running to her room for a pair of scissors. "They were insanely popular when I was in elementary school. _Everybody _had one. It drove the teachers nuts."

Ulquiorra looked up from his current page. Drove teachers nuts? What sort of thing was this 'virtual pet?' He stood up from the floor, his dread increasing, and joined her in her room as she violently sawed through the plastic, yanking the package apart and shaking the device free. "What did you say this was supposed to teach me, woman?"

"Responsibility! You know, taking care of another living thing," Orihime said as she flipped through the instruction booklet, "though it's not _technically _living, but you get what I mean."

Ulquiorra stared at her.

After some tinkering, the device let out a series of beeps. "There it goes!" she cried, turning and putting the small thing into Ulquiorra's hand. He inspected the screen. A two-dimensional pixilated blob that looked like a cross between a dog, a dragon and a monkey moved around on it. "Isn't he cute?" Orihime gushed. "What are you going to name it?"

"I am… supposed to name this thing?" Ulquiorra asked as she continued to read through the instructions with a smile on her face. He didn't even know what gender it was; how was he supposed to give it a name? Well, his stomach was growling. "It shall be called Bento."

"Bento it is!" Orihime pointed out the buttons below the screen. "Now then, you're going to have to do a lot to take care of him. According to this booklet, the first button is for feeding, the second for petting, the third for playing, the fourth for reprimanding, and the two arrow-shaped ones are for navigating the menu and the mini-games to keep him entertained." She put the instructions down and gave Ulquiorra a serious look. "Promise me that you'll keep Bento alive, okay? He's going to be very demanding, at all hours of the day _and _night, just like a real baby." Her eyes widened in surprise when he suddenly took her hand, turned it palm up, and placed the virtual pet on it, then started walking away. "Wait, Ulquiorra come back!" she yelled, taking off after him.

…

Bento was surprisingly quiet the first day; perhaps because Orihime kept the demonic creature happy by playing with it and feeding it when it beeped. But when she left for school the next day, it was Ulquiorra and Bento, two men with no woman around to take care of them. At least when Ulquiorra got hungry, he could feed himself. This _thing _on the other hand…

He sat on the couch watching television with the virtual pet situated on the opposite side of him, on top of a pillow. So far the dog-dragon-monkey – the dronkey? – was behaving itself. On the TV screen, a news report was covering a robbery that took place in another part of town the night before. And then, just when he thought he would get through the entire broadcast without an interruption, two beeps came from the device. He glared at it. Silence, then two more beeps, louder than the first.

Ulquiorra picked up the thing and looked down at the screen. Bento had apparently done its business on the ground. With a disgusted face, Ulquiorra reprimanded the stupid creature. Wasn't there a toilet training option on here? In response, Bento made what looked suspiciously liked a sad face and resumed his basic motions. What, was he supposed to praise it for having a functioning digestive tract? Ulquiorra put the virtual pet down. It immediately beeped again. Now it was hungry? Well, considering the fact that it had just taken a dump, he supposed that it made sense. But what if he had nothing to feed him? Was this creature going to eat him out of house and home? He decided to ignore it. Patience was a virtue.

Unfortunately, Bento must not have believed very much in virtue. The beeping continued to grow in volume and frequency until Ulquiorra was finding it difficult to hear the television over it. So finally he grabbed the virtual pet and reprimanded it until it shut up, and _then _he fed it. Surely Bento would learn his lesson now. Ulquiorra stared down at the screen. Bento had an unhappy face, but at least he was quiet. What the hell was he frowning for? Here Ulquiorra was, taking time out of his day to pay attention to it, and Bento wasn't even going to thank him? He reprimanded it again for being an ingrate.

Then Ulquiorra froze, feeling a creeping sensation work its way up his spine, like he was being watched. He shot a wary glance over his shoulder. The family portrait of Sora sat on top of the low cabinet behind the sofa, facing the television, smiling in Ulquiorra's direction. Turning back to Bento, the former Espada pressed a button and the menu came up. What could he do to make this stupid thing happy?

Ah, well, there was the playing option. Did dronkeys become happier when they were played with? He decided to try, if only for the sake of getting the frown off of Bento's face. Because if Bento was unhappy, Orihime was bound to be unhappy, and she had once told Ulquiorra that she'd spit on someone's cookies when they weren't looking because they had been giving her an attitude. Ulquiorra did not like the idea of having saliva in his dinner.

The first game did not end well, which made Bento even sadder, so he tried again. Bento lost the second game as well. Ulquiorra had half a mind to look up the instructions to see if there was some way he could control the outcome of the game, but apparently it was up to chance. He tried one more time, and Bento emerged victorious. That was better. Ulquiorra smirked. No pet of his was going to be a loser.

The game screen was replaced with a tombstone.

His eyes widened. What the hell had just happened? He brought the device closer, shaking it twice, but the tombstone remained. Bento was dead? What… no! He looked at the television, then at the window, his arm itching to throw something again. But then he remembered that Sora was behind him and stood up, putting the virtual pet down in his place and running to find the instruction manual.

Pet death, pet death… ah, there it was. He read the small paragraph until he found what he was looking for.

_Overexerting your pet by playing too many games consecutively can kill it. Please, treat your pet kindly!_

Ulquiorra growled and threw the manual down, then went back to the living room, wondering what to do, what to tell Orihime when she got home. He hadn't known. It was an honest mistake. Never mind the fact that Bento had already been unhappy to begin with; he hadn't meant to kill the damn thing!

Well, at least it was quiet now.

…

"I'm home!" Orihime called out, immediately spotting Ulquiorra on the couch. As he returned her greeting, she walked up to him and noticed the virtual pet sitting on one of the cushions a few feet away. "How's Bento doing?" she asked as she retrieved the device and peered down at the screen. "This isn't Bento," she stated flatly, staring at the marshmallow-shaped bird that had taken the dronkey's place.

"I am aware of that," Ulquiorra said woodenly.

Orihime crossed her arms. "And what exactly _happened _to Bento?"

"If his world is anything like mine," Ulquiorra replied, "he was eaten by Tobias, who is obviously a far more superior being."

Her eyebrow arched. "Tobias?"

"Yes, that… bird creature."

"Tobias ate Bento?"

"Is that not what bento are for?"

**/TBC/**


	7. Comfort

**A/N: **We now take a break from the humor to find a more serious drabble. I have always gotten the feeling that Orihime is the type of person who likes to hide her sorrow from other people in order not to worry them. But how painful must it be to come home to an empty apartment, to cry one's into silence?

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Bleach or anything else mentioned in this fic!

**Tell Yourself**

**By: Princess Kitty1**

**Comfort**

Sometimes, Orihime had bad days. It certainly wasn't always, and it was hard to predict when they would happen, but the fact remained that they did. And on those days, she entered the apartment with a half-hearted greeting or none at all and promptly went to her room. The door would be shut, and Ulquiorra wouldn't see her for up to an hour, or even more than that. Once she had stayed there all afternoon.

He knew that on these days, he was expected to take care of dinner. He never had to ask whether or not she wanted food – Orihime was _always _hungry. Even if he had to set a plate aside until she decided to emerge from her room, he made enough for both of them.

How did someone like her have bad days, he wondered? Apparently, there were plenty of ways. Exams were coming up and she needed all the extra hours to study, but she also needed money so she couldn't take any days off from work. Thus, she would become extremely stressed, which would continue to pile up until, as randomly as her nonsensical outbursts, she would begin to cry. Other times, her hormones would be out of balance and one negative comment from a stranger would set her off.

Whatever the case, Ulquiorra didn't do much about it. He would simply make dinner, then wait for her to calm down and come out of her room. Why she chose to shut herself away when she cried was beyond him. It wasn't like she was keeping it a secret; upon emerging into the living room, her eyes and nose would be puffy and red, her eyebrows knit together, her voice soft and wavering slightly, hair a mess. One didn't have to be as observant as Ulquiorra to tell that she was in a state. Then she would sit down and casually talk about what had upset her, at times even smiling and laughing as if it had been nothing.

Ulquiorra would remain quiet on such occasions. What was there to say? He wasn't there to comfort her; never had been. Prying into her affairs unnecessarily would only cause problems.

Though he had to wonder, had she always been this way? He recalled the time in Hueco Mundo, when she had slapped him, then broken down as soon as he'd left the room. Did she put up some sort of guise when she was upset in front of others – even her nakama, who would have known how to take care of her, to soothe her – until she was alone? Had she, in the past, walked into this empty apartment, fallen onto the floor and cried until she looked the way she did when she came out of her bedroom?

Ulquiorra decided to ask someone. "Oh, yeah, Hime's had that bad habit for a while," said Tatsuki, the tomboyish female that claimed to be the woman's best friend, as they waited with her for Orihime to order lunch from a fast food place that weekend. "I guess it might have something to do with her past."

"Her past," Ulquiorra repeated, awaiting an explanation.

"Yeah. Her parents were really abusive. If she or her brother cried or made noise, they would get beaten until they stopped. She says that she can't remember any of that, but there's a chance that it could have been ingrained up here, you know?" Tatsuki replied, tapping her temple twice for emphasis. Then she narrowed her eyes suspiciously. "Why? She hasn't been upset lately, has she? You been treating her well?"

Ulquiorra stared at her flatly. "I do not 'treat' her any way. The woman and I may share a space, but our lives are completely independent of each other."

Orihime had come out of the fast food restaurant then, two French fries sticking out of her mouth, and made some comment about how nice it was to be with Tatsuki and Ulquiorra at the same time. The atmosphere had been a little tense, but she hadn't noticed, in her traditional bubbly way. Ulquiorra stayed behind them, his gaze locked on Orihime's face. So she had been abused? She'd never told him that before, though it hadn't exactly come up in conversation.

Still… it was eerie, how much that girl could hide behind a smile.

…

One day while Orihime was still at work, Ulquiorra came back from Urahara's shop – the eccentric man had been asking all sorts of questions about what Hueco Mundo was like under Aizen's rule – when he noticed the light on the answering machine blinking. Without thinking, he pressed the play button and went to put the bread he had bought in the pantry.

"_**One new message, received today at…**__" _The machine recited in a mechanical tone as Ulquiorra withdrew the bread from the bag. When an unfamiliar voice started to speak, he paused in his actions. "_Orihime, this is your aunt speaking. I know that you've been working hard these last few months to keep up with your apartment bills, but we simply cannot keep paying half of the rent for you. Have you been looking into a cheaper, perhaps smaller place to move into? Honestly, two bedrooms is one too many for a teenage girl, don't you think? Unless you're shacking up with some… ah, sorry, you resemble my sister so much that sometimes these things just slip out. Look, if you want, we will help you search, though you really ought to shoulder some of this responsibility. You're almost eighteen, be a little more independent._" _Click_.

Ulquiorra stared at the answering machine. _"__**To replay the message, press one.**_" No, he really did not wish to hear it again. He left the bread on the counter and walked into the living room as the machine continued. "_**To save the message, press two.**_" It hadn't been intended for him, so that would be the logical response. "_**To delete the message, press three**_." He stopped in front of the phone, looking down at it as if it were a preserved specimen in a jar.

Delete the message. His finger moved to the three and hesitated there. What would deleting the message do? It would not make the problem go away; in fact, depending on the kind of people these relatives of the woman's were, it could make the problem worse. But it would… protect her, shelter her, keep her from having a bad day, if only temporarily. It would spare her feelings, put a small bubble around her in which she could live happily and in denial. It'd keep her laughing, keep her smiling, keep the dark clouds out of her sunny sky. If Ulquiorra deleted the message…

…he would be doing exactly the same thing that her nakama did to her, and he was _not _one of her nakama.

Perhaps it was not a series of repressed memories that drove Orihime to cry in the privacy of her solitude. No, it could have been much simpler than that. She held back, kept smiling, spared her friends of her worries so that they, in turn, would start treating her like an adult; would start _telling _her things. They were friends, after all. They were supposed to keep her informed, no matter how delicate they thought she was.

But Ulquiorra knew for a fact that this girl was not delicate, not in the slightest. She had stood up to him on more than one occasion, fearlessly wrestled with him for food or the remote control when she knew that she could and would be beaten, she studied and worked so hard that it drove her insane. She'd lived on her own for years, he remembered her saying when he had first moved in with her. She'd shouldered the guilt for what had happened on the dome until he had returned and she'd properly asked him for forgiveness. And she could hold back her tears for hours, days, weeks even… but she would still cry them eventually.

Moving his finger to the two, he pressed down on it and the machine's light began to flash again. One new message for Orihime Inoue. He turned and left the apartment again, feeling the need to do something productive.

…

When Ulquiorra came back a few hours later, he found Orihime standing by the phone, the machine asking her if she wanted to replay the message, save it, or delete it. Her shoulders and head were slumped, the knot keeping her bakery apron tied was coming undone, her schoolbag lay forgotten on the floor. She didn't move, didn't speak. Ulquiorra broke the silence first. "I'm back."

Nothing happened initially. Orihime merely stood there, staring at the answering machine, which repeated its only three options cheerfully. Then her head lifted, her shoulders shook once and she turned to face him. Her eyes were swimming in tears that cut lines similar to his down her cheeks the moment she blinked. Bottom lip trembling, her breath leaving her in a sigh, she took a step towards him, hands out in front of her as if she were looking for something to hold onto so that she wouldn't fall. "W-Welcome home," she whispered, before her expression crumpled entirely.

Ulquiorra remained perfectly still as her arms slipped around him, hands clutching at his back. She buried her face into his chest, and he could already feel the material of his shirt becoming damp with her tears, her small frame heaving with each and every squeak that she emitted when she inhaled. But when he laid a hand on top of her hair to steady her, the tiny noises became sobs full of despair the likes of which he couldn't have inflicted upon her if he'd tried – and he had. However, there was something else in her tears, something that left him completely mystified:

Relief.

No, he wasn't there to comfort her. He never had been, and she knew that. But he was there. And that was all that mattered.

**/TBC/**


	8. PartTimer

**A/N:** HAPPY BIRTHDAY ULQUIORRA-SAN! Return to us soon, got it?

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Bleach or any other copyrighted material.

**Tell Yourself**

**By: Princess Kitty1**

**Part-Timer**

"And that's pretty much the gist of it!" Kisuke Urahara said with a grandiose sweep of his arm, snapping closed his favorite fan and hitting it against his palm. "Any questions?"

It was Saturday morning, the time of day that Ulquiorra had once heard Grimmjow refer to as 'the ass-crack of dawn'. Street lamps were still on, though the sky overhead was beginning to color with tinges of purple on the horizon. He stood outside of Urahara's convenience store, between a ridiculously tall, spectacled man wearing an apron, and a long-haired middle school girl who looked as if she had spent the better part of her childhood witnessing all of life's injustices. Next to her, a boy her age picked at his ear with the pinky-nail of one hand while raising the other high over his head. Urahara pointed at him with the fan. "Yes, Jinta-kun?"

"Yeah," his voice cracked from the onset of puberty, "umm, what the hell are you thinking, hiring another mopey-faced loser when you hardly have enough to pay _us_?"

Kisuke blinked slowly, then snapped open his fan and held it to his mouth. "What are you talking about? Your salary reflects the quality of your work," he stated as if this would be obvious just by looking at him.

"Perhaps if Jinta-kun spent less time goofing off," said the solemn-faced girl meekly, "his paycheck would be a bit fatter."

"Shut up, Ururu!"

"Quiet, now, you'll wake up the neighborhood," Kisuke eyed the houses around them warily. "And when I asked for questions, I was talking to Ulquiorra-san."

"Then why are the three of us lined up outside?" Jinta cried before being picked up by and slung over the shoulder of the tall man, who carried him towards the store entrance. The sorry-looking child – Ururu, was it? – began to follow them, then stopped and turned to tilt her head in a polite nod towards Ulquiorra before she continued. Kisuke pat her hair as she walked by.

"I do not understand," Ulquiorra said when the three had gone inside, "if this is a convenience store that opens at ten, why must we report to work so early?"

"Ah, you must remember that we do not cater simply to this world, Espada-san." Kisuke clapped his back as if they were best friends, further agitating Ulquiorra, who was still trying to wake himself up completely. Orihime had wanted to stay up watching a late night movie despite the fact that she had Saturday classes in the morning, so naturally he had stayed up as well, not wanting to let it slip that he'd gotten a part-time job.

Besides, it wasn't like he'd done it for _her _or anything. He simply found himself bored while she was at school, and books could only keep him occupied for so long.

"Come along," Urahara ushered him towards the front door, "I'll show you what you'll be doing."

It was basically a stock job; the children were too incompetent when it came to the merchandise in the warehouse (a converted garage), and the tall man, Tessai, had to keep an eye on them while they catered to customers and cleaned so they wouldn't break anything. Kisuke mainly stayed in the back office, filling incoming orders from both worlds. If a black cat were to stroll onto the property, it was to be left alone. "Those are the rules, I suppose. Simple enough, right?" Urahara said cheerfully.

Ulquiorra nodded once, staring up at the piles upon piles of boxes that were to be sorted and marked for their designated locations. Yes, it was a simple job, one that even a monkey like Grimmjow could do. And he would be given human currency for this? Perhaps he should have gotten one of these 'jobs' a lot sooner.

But just in case, Tessai supervised him for the first hour, while Ururu and Jinta – mostly Ururu – came to watch. When he asked them why they were there, the girl remained silent, while Jinta replied with a sneer that it wasn't every day that one got to see a hollow working a part-time job. Once Ulquiorra had demonstrated his capability, he was left alone to his duties.

The pesky children would swing by the warehouse every once in a while. Jinta asked a plethora of rude questions – Did he still crave souls now that he had a heart? Were he and Orihime in one of _those _relationships? – which made Ururu uncomfortable. She begged the boy to go easy on the questions, but Ulquiorra figured that the sooner he answered them, the sooner they would leave him alone. No, he did not crave souls. He did not understand what Jinta meant by 'one of _those_ relationships', and after it had been explained, he quickly said no. Why not? Such things had to be mutual, and Orihime did not show much of an interest. No, he was not disappointed by that fact.

Finally, when it seemed as if all other questions had been exhausted, Jinta pointed out the plastic contraption hanging off of Ulquiorra's belt loop. "What's with the toy?"

Ulquiorra looked down at the device. Well, he certainly wouldn't have left Tobias Wainwright the Third home alone, as he was starting to think that the toys had built in sensors that could somehow determine when their owners left the premises, which would trigger an episode of suicide. So far, he had succeeded in keeping the pudgy bird alive for two weeks. "This is not a toy," he said to Jinta curtly, "it is a mission."

The boy's eyebrow rose. Ururu stared at the virtual pet as if she were seeing it for the first time, her cheeks flushed with as much excitement as could possibly make it onto her face. Ulquiorra reflexively checked to make sure that Tobias was busying himself, then went back to his work, ignoring the children.

Later, Urahara appeared in the warehouse doorway, moving about in interesting wiggling motions that reminded Ulquiorra of Orihime when she was attempting to follow along with a television fitness instructor. "Let's see how you're doing, Espada-san!" He walked around the warehouse, inspecting the rearranged piles of boxes. "My goodness! I've never seen this place so organized!" he exclaimed at some length.

Ulquiorra wondered how anything had gotten done in the past. "What time is it?" he asked the eccentric blond, who still fawned over the fact that all of the boxes were correctly labeled.

"Ah, close to eleven-thirty, I'd say," Kisuke responded.

"Hmm," Ulquiorra turned, shoving his hands into his pockets. "I will return shortly."

"Eh?" Urahara looked towards the door, but the black-haired youth had already disappeared. Smirking to himself, he couldn't help but laugh at this oh-so-interesting arrangement. "I wonder if Orihime-chan realizes how much she has influenced him," he murmured as he walked out of the box-filled garage.

Across town, the phone in Orihime's living room began to ring, filling the otherwise silent apartment with its chirping tone. Once, twice, and on the third ring, the front door burst open and Ulquiorra came skidding to a stop. Unfortunately, his clumsy human body couldn't deal with the small burst of sonido that he'd had to use to get there on time and he lost his footing, which resulted in him clinging to the stand on which the telephone sat while his legs splayed out to the side, scrambling to find purchase on the carpeted floor. He picked up the receiver. "Inoue residence,"

"_Ulquiorra! There you are! I was beginning to think you'd run off to the library again,_" Orihime's voice came through, as perky as always.

"No, woman, I'm here," he answered, still clutching the stand with one arm as he righted himself.

"_Okay, well, just calling on my lunch break to make sure you were doing alright. I'm so sleepy! Maybe watching that movie last night wasn't a very good idea. Why didn't you stop me_?" He chose not to remind her that he'd tried, but her insistent whining and pouts had won out in the end. "_Anyway, I'll see you in a few hours, alright_?"

"Do not doze off in class," Ulquiorra said before putting the receiver down and sighing.

There was no need for secrets, he thought. His own behavior was confusing him. Why had he not just told the woman where he'd been, where he was going to be spending all of his mornings from there on? Had he adopted her bad habit of withholding information to prevent her from worrying unnecessarily? No, that would not do. Since when had he started acting so _human_?

It wasn't until he tried to move and was sent sprawling onto the floor that he realized, with a frustrated groan, that he kind of-sort of _was _human. He glared back at his right leg, the bone having suffered multiple fractures from the strain of running so fast. With any luck, that sandal-hat guy would be able to fix him before Orihime came home.

Oh, yes. This job thing was definitely _not _going to remain a secret.

**/TBC/**


	9. The Rival

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Bleach or any other copyrighted material.

**Tell Yourself**

**By: Princess Kitty1**

**The Rival**

One fine spring day, when the cherry blossoms were blooming and Orihime was going nuts over the flowers – Ulquiorra did not understand their significance, even after sitting through an explanation – the former Espada decided that he would wait downstairs for the whimsical girl, who was due home from work at any minute. After returning from his own job, he'd picked up something that she called a 'graphic novel,' and had wondered why the characters periodically shrunk down and lost certain details of their bodies. This woman read the strangest things; perhaps this was why she was constantly daydreaming.

He stepped out of the apartment into the warm sunshine, patting his pocket with his free hand to make sure he had his key, then reached back behind him to close the door completely. His eyes still on the comic book, which had taken an admittedly interesting plot turn, he moved two steps forward before he noticed that he was not alone. Lowering the book marginally, his green eyes met two brown ones.

It was a boy, no more than eleven years old. With short black hair in a nasty bowl cut, he stood frozen in what Ulquiorra deduced to be shock, if the way his eyes were bugging out was any indicator. He said nothing; He merely stared, quite rudely, at Ulquiorra, with no apparent regard for those human manners that Orihime had mentioned once or twice. Well then, if this boy was not going to be polite, then Ulquiorra would spare him no etiquette either. He stared back, lowering the comic book entirely, using his thumb to keep his place.

At this display of bravado, the boy flinched and his gaze whipped down to his feet. Ulquiorra felt an odd mix of satisfaction and shame at his victory; really, these human emotions were so troublesome. But now that the boy was no longer staring, he'd cleared the obstacle, and could therefore move forward. He began walking towards the stares, passing the rude child without so much as a word of greeting.

"Wait!"

He stopped, having lifted the graphic novel halfway, becoming annoyed that he would have to further delay his reading, and looked back at the boy. He'd turned to face him, a livid expression twisting his countenance, teeth and fists clenched as if such a display of violent intent would scare Ulquiorra. "What is it, human? I'm very busy."

"What," said the child menacingly, "do you think you were doing in Orihime-chan's apartment?"

Ulquiorra didn't skip a beat. "I am the woman's roommate."

"Since when?"

"That is no business of yours." What in the world was wrong with this kid? He was almost as bad as Jinta, who had earlier asked Ulquiorra if he knew what motor-boating was. Television had taught him that a motorboat was a high speed water vessel, so he guessed that it had something to do with using one for transportation. Jinta had laughed as wickedly as Orihime had when her exam results had come back and she'd placed third in the class again. By the end of the work day, Ulquiorra had been taught more sexual innuendos than he'd cared to know. Even the sad-faced girl had provided a handful of definitions, though she'd mostly just stood to the side, her cheeks reddening with each passing explanation.

Now this boy, who Ulquiorra supposed was the grandson of the old woman who lived next door, pointed at him – another rude gesture. "Of course it's my business!" he cried, apparently without a care for the peace of the neighbors. "Orihime-chan is _mine_!"

Silence, and then a dog barked in the distance. Ulquiorra turned to face the boy completely, tucking one hand into his pocket, the other still keeping his place in the comic book. "Pardon?"

"What are ya, deaf? You heard me!" the boy sneered. "Orihime-chan is my delicate flower; more beautiful than any cherry blossom, kinder than a goddess! How dare you weasel your way into her apartment, you cad!"

Ulquiorra let the insults fly over his head. "Do you wish to have her in your possession?" he asked, both curious and irritated. "Would you like to lock her up in a tower where no one else can lay eyes on her, where only you may come to worship her alleged divinity?"

The boy sputtered. "No! D-Don't lump me in with your lot! I don't have such perverted fantasies with Orihime-chan; my intentions are pure!"

Now Ulquiorra was beginning to feel the urge to grab the boy by the shirt and hold him over the rail of the two-story apartment building, but he refrained. He had to admit that his pride had taken a decent hit just then. Wanting to keep her from leering eyes was a perverted fantasy? It had never even crossed his mind, though judging by Jinta's inferred knowledge of women, he must have missed another memo. A trip to the library was in order. "I see," he murmured, mulling over his past actions and thoughts for other accidental instances of perversion.

"What's the matter? Did I hit a nerve?" the boy jeered, pulling down his bottom eyelid and sticking his tongue out. The gesture went ignored by Ulquiorra, who was presently lost in his own concerned mind. What would the woman's take on the situation be? Would she find such situations to be 'perverted?' Had he unintentionally insulted her by wanting to keep her from being ogled?

"Hey," the boy said, snapping his fingers to get his attention. "I said, _hey_!"

Ulquiorra looked up at him, his eyes narrowing slightly. "What is it?"

"As I was saying," the child fumed, "Orihime-chan is _mine_. If you want her, then you're going to have to fight me for her, fair and square! Understand?"

The former Espada blinked slowly. This boy was immature as all hell, but he had made an interesting observation, one that would probably cause Ulquiorra to spend the rest of the afternoon justifying his desires. "Yes," he replied finally.

The boy grinned, beside himself with joy at the fact that an adult was taking him seriously. "Does that mean you see me as a worthy rival?"

"At the very least," Ulquiorra said, getting a strong sense of déjà vu, "I see you as someone who must be… removed." He amended his declaration to the shinigami, having been warned by Orihime that making death threats against innocent people – especially children and the elderly – was frowned upon in this society.

The sound of shoes scraping against the nearby steps and upbeat whistling caught the attention of Ulquiorra and the boy. A moment later, Orihime appeared on the landing, her schoolbag in one hand and a paper sack smelling of baked goods in the other, her work apron slung over her shoulder. "Oh!" she stopped, smiling at both of them, "What's going on here?"

The boy's entire face lit up like a Christmas tree. "Welcome home, Orihime-nee-san!" he cried, running past Ulquiorra to greet her. The former Espada watched in confusion and horror as the woman leaned down and embraced the boy tightly, seemingly unaware of the fact that her massive chest was mere centimeters from his chin.

"Good afternoon, Taro-kun!" she squealed, pulling back to ruffle his hair. "It's been a while since we've bumped into each other, huh? Are you getting taller?"

Taro grinned and rubbed the back of his head sheepishly, his cheeks coloring with joy. "D'aw, you noticed!"

"Duh, how could I _not_? You're going to be such a handsome man!" Orihime carefully maneuvered the paper sack open and reached inside, pulling out a jelly-filled donut. "Here! Let's help that growth along. But don't tell Obaa-san! She'll yell at me if she finds out that I gave you desserts before dinner. Our little secret, 'kay?"

The boy made a zipping motion across his lips. "Sure thing!" he said before taking a bite out of the pastry. Orihime then turned to Ulquiorra, who was dangerously close to dropping the comic book and losing his place.

"Going somewhere?" she asked, and behind her he saw Taro smirk at him triumphantly. His grip on the book tightened.

"No," he responded coldly, pivoting around and grabbing his keys out of his pocket, leaving the infuriating woman behind. _Taro_, eh? This boy would be an interesting opponent.

**/TBC/**


	10. Love Story II

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Bleach, any of its characters, or any other copyrighted material that I may mention in this fic!

**Tell Yourself**

**By: Princess Kitty1**

**Love Story II**

"Why do you have those strange tattoos on your face?" was the first thing that the trio of librarians asked Ulquiorra when he came in to return a stack of ten novels that he had devoured in less than a week. Having work to occupy him, it seemed, had increased his reading speed, though by all accounts it should have lowered it. "They make you look so sad," the one in the middle with the braids – her name was Kumiko, he'd learned – observed.

Ulquiorra stared at her. "Do they displease you?"

"Oh, no! I didn't mean it like that!" Kumiko waved her hands furiously, her cheeks flushing a nice shade of red. Ulquiorra blinked, nonplussed. But he decided not to pursue the subject further, as he was wondering what sort of book he should look for this time. In his explorations, he had discovered that each genre had an infinite number of different topics within it. For example, if he wandered into the art section, he could not only find books on classic artists, but also books on the at times undecipherable squiggles, which Orihime called 'graffiti', throughout the city.

The oldest of the librarians, named Rina, had a freckled face that scrunched up in concentration. "Hey, didn't we say we were going to find this nice young man a decent love story to read?"

"Oh yeah," agreed the third, a brown-haired woman named Yuri. "A _true_ story this time, correct?" Ulquiorra nodded once. "Very well, come with me! I've got one that a studious boy such as you would undoubtedly enjoy." He followed her away from the desk, hands in his pockets, thinking that for her sake, she had better be right.

This time, he was taken to the nonfiction section, where Yuri stopped in front of shelves lined with books on history. "Let's see…" she muttered to herself busily as she dragged her finger across the spines.

Ulquiorra waited patiently, his thoughts taking him elsewhere. His shoulder was still hurting from work earlier; he had ended up having a sparring match with Jinta, who was surprisingly strong for a perverted middle school boy, during his lunch break. Urahara had suggested that he try training with Ururu too, but the girl had vehemently refused and avoided him for the rest of the day, flustered for whatever reason.

But what would he do about his shoulder? It was an inconvenience, but the woman would be tired when she came home so he wouldn't ask her to spare some reiatsu for something so small. Besides, she would get suspicious about the injury, and despite swearing that he would not keep the job at Urahara's convenience store a secret, he hadn't exactly found an appropriate time to bring it up in conversation either. It would have to be soon, though. He was running out of places to stash his earnings. Earlier that week he'd run out of clean socks to wear due to using them as hiding spots.

"Here it is!" Yuri turned around, holding an open book in her arms. She rifled through the pages expertly until she came to a certain section, which she then pointed out to him before handing the book over. "This is an account of Marc Antony and Cleopatra, the queen of Egypt, two of history's most famous lovers."

An Egyptian queen, huh? That would certainly be more interesting than a hormonal Italian teenager. Ulquiorra took the volume and thanked the librarian, then wandered off to find a place to sit, beginning to read the historical tale.

Well, they had been what many would call a "power couple": land, money, status. They carried on their love affair in secret, as Antony had been married – which Ulquiorra frowned at; wasn't marriage supposed to be an everlasting human commitment? But as he read on, he found himself trying to imagine the two of them, going back and forth between continents to see each other. How happy that Antony guy must have been to see the woman he loved after so long.

Ulquiorra felt himself relaxing as he went through the paragraphs, enough to recline in his chair and prop his legs up on the table. This story was definitely better than Romeo and Juliet, he thought, turning a page and glancing up at the librarians. Kumiko had been watching him, and waved her hands when he frowned at her, motioning for him to keep reading. The other two were attempting to balance pencils on their noses. Didn't those women ever work?

There was war in this story, too, which always got his blood boiling. Leftover Espada instinct, he supposed. Unfortunately, the Romans seemed to be growing wary of them. He narrowed his eyes slightly. The Romans could keep their long noses out of Antony and Cleopatra's business. Really, why did it seem like when two people were in love, the entire universe was conspiring to drive them apart - ?

Ulquiorra lost his balance, falling backwards and taking the chair with him. The loud clatter caused several people, the librarians included, to look in his direction, but he was already scrambling to pick himself up before his hand slipped out of the book, as he had miraculously managed to keep his place while falling. Not even bothering to right the chair, he slammed the book down onto the table, his eyes scanning the page. No, no, _no_! What was that idiot _doing_? The rumor wasn't true! Cleopatra was still - !

Antony fell on his own sword.

From where he was kneeling on the floor, his chin resting on the table and arms out in front of him, holding the book up, Ulquiorra slowly lowered the thick tome to glare at the librarians. They blinked back at him, confused. He lifted the book again.

Wait, there was still hope! Antony was injured, but alive. He sighed. The librarians had been spared a merciless death… for now. Skimming the next few paragraphs, he felt his irritation growing and his hope dwindling. Oh, the man was not going to survive such a fatal blow.

But Cleopatra was still alive. What would the woman do now? Ulquiorra watched the drama unfold as Antony was brought to her chambers, where he finally succumbed to his injuries. Surely the rage-filled queen would take revenge against those who had caused the death of her lover, right? Without a doubt, she would use all of that power that she had to smite whatever messenger had confused the story of her – what was she doing with that poison?

Ulquiorra stared at the page for a long time, wondering if he had just read correctly. Then he closed the book and stood up, reaching behind him to pick up the chair and put it in its rightful place. There was an odd, queasy sensation in his stomach, and his temples were beginning to throb.

They had died. He'd killed himself for her, and she had in turn killed herself for him. Just like Romeo and Juliet, only these were _real _people. The book had come out of the nonfiction section, and while he knew humans were incompetent in most ways, he at least expected them to get their own history right. He grabbed the thick volume and walked back to the information desk, where the librarians were waiting for him, their faces eager.

"Well?"

"What did you think?"

"Tragic, huh?"

Ulquiorra placed it down in front of them, saying nothing. How long had it been since he had fired off a cero? His molecules were itching with excitement, wanting to burn off some frustration, and possibly take the heads off of these women who smiled at him as if all was right with the world. They were pranking him; he was sure of it now. Had they been his prisoners in Hueco Mundo, he would have been politely pleading with Aizen to allow him to at least hack off their legs.

But it was a _true story._

"Yes, tragic," he said slowly, turning around and heading for the exit without so much as a goodbye. He'd been working too much lately. His shoulder was still sore, and the world around him was tilted at an odd angle. Perhaps he was coming down with a cold. Yes, that would explain the reason that he felt so… so…

…bad? Was that what he was feeling? But the more he searched for the source of his illness, the more he was beginning to suspect that it was nothing physical at all.

His rational mind was already pulling together assumptions about human love, but he quickly dismissed them. These were just two stories: one true, one fictional. If so many millions of people were willing to give in to their hearts, to put themselves out to be judged and scrutinized by someone else, then there had to be something _good _about this love thing, correct? It couldn't all end in suicide.

That evening, as Ulquiorra and Orihime were eating dinner, a news report came on the television. Orihime munched on her rice, watching the TV screen as the anchorwoman covered a story about a man who had killed his wife, then killed himself. "How terrible," she murmured around a mouthful of food. "Ne, Ulquiorra, can you pass me some more…"

His dinner bowl and chopsticks fell loudly onto the table, food spilling everywhere as he stood up and went to change the channel.

"Ulquiorra?"

"Let's watch something else."

**/TBC/**


	11. If I Were the Rain

**A/N: **In today's chapter, we shall be rewinding in the timeline a bit, as I'm sure you are all wondering how exactly Ulquiorra came to live with Orihime. Figures I would leave this to be explained eleven chapters into the story.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Bleach, yada yada.

**Tell Yourself**

**By: Princess Kitty1**

**If I Were the Rain**

It was too noisy. Too colorful. Too vivid. The whole damn world was a bother. Still, he remembered the first time being much worse than today, where at least a thick cloud cover had blocked out the infernal sun, a steady stream of rain dampening the lush green grass of the park and enhancing the gloom of the city's gray buildings. He welcomed each droplet of water onto his burning skin, wishing it would do something to soothe the fire underneath. His head hurt. A passing flock of children with identical yellow hats made him groan.

This world was too much for him. So accustomed was he to the white sands of the desert, the void of eternal night, the pale glow of the moon that he couldn't possibly imagine staying here for long. But he had no place in the bleak and familiar anymore. His own companions had told him so.

"_You have regained your heart," said Nelliel with somewhat of a longing smile as she pushed an unwilling Grimmjow through a door to address his new army. "You don't belong in Hueco Mundo."_

The concept was foreign to him. How could he _not _belong in a place so fitting to his nihilistic nature? She had good reason to say such a thing; the other hollows would undoubtedly converge on the castle the moment they got a whiff of a beating heart – was that what that pressure in his chest was? – and the two remaining Espada could only hold them off for so long.

But where was he supposed to go? The silent dunes, the endless sky, the concrete slabs that comprised the many corridors and rooms of Las Noches… _that_ was home. It had been so for as long as he cared to remember, which admittedly wasn't very far back.

His life, his memories, the events of his Espada days… none of it had meaning, and without some semblance of significance, they were aptly forgotten. He needn't burden his mind with such trifles as days – or were they nights? – spent policing other hollows in the name of the master that he no longer had. In fact, the only thing that he could remember when he really put his mind to it was the day that he became an Arrancar, the day that the multitude of cries in the back of his awareness had finally faded. And after that…

"…_not…"_

His breath left him in a shudder. Small tremors afflicted his muscles. The rain and the cold were doing him no good, he thought. He needed to find shelter, but he would trust no strangers in this noisy, colorful, vivid world. Even with what was left of his power, he felt unsettled, vulnerable, like he had been robbed of his sword and shield in the middle of a battlefield… forced to hide, like the trash around him.

He had become trash.

Without reason, without a purpose or direction, with nothing to cling to and no knowledge of what to do, without a master to serve… he was worthless. He had no memories of a human life to return to, and even so, he had probably changed beyond recognition. The lines drawn from the edges of his eyes that he saw through a rippled reflection in a street-side puddle were proof enough of that.

He had no army to be a part of, no craving for souls to devour. What little had once defined him had been completely stripped away. He was an empty soul in a fleshy container, wandering aimlessly in a world full of creatures that he could never hope to understand – he'd tried, of course, but that had proven an impossible task.

He decided that he hated the way that he felt, but the fact that he had the capacity to feel was proof enough of what had changed in him. His green eyes swept briefly across the faces of those around him, some who were looking at him, their gazes laden with some disgusting emotion akin to worry or sympathy. He must have looked terrible.

What drove these people to do what they did? Where were they going and why? What made them wake up every morning to face their tragically human weaknesses?

Did they have nakama to protect? Did they have someone they needed to defeat? Some odd task randomly assigned significance to accomplish? Were they under orders? Whose?

He thought to ask them, but there was this gnawing at the back of his mind that made him anxious, a seemingly out-of-place fear that each human would have a different answer to his question. And if that were the case, what would become of him? Would he have to find his own mission, his own meaning? What did such a thing even look like?

"_I'm not…"_

He closed his eyes as his heart gave a nervous spasm. He'd reached an intersection on the top of a hill, the rain falling heavily onto the surrounding vehicles. But he could sense it, now. He could feel the warmth, the shelter that his feet had been ordered by his heart to seek before his mind could have any say.

And he knew, suddenly, why he had been pulled back together from dust in the wind. He couldn't understand it, though it had cemented itself as fact, like a child wondering how stars could actually be burning masses of gas and energy, held together by a magnetic core. But he wasn't a child in the literal sense; he knew that it was possible, as such a thing had happened to his disintegrated form.

The heart had formed atop the dome and had drawn the pieces together. On top of the world – yet still under the moon, unable to touch it no matter how powerful he was – he had come back into a purposeless existence.

Because that fist-sized organ pumping blood throughout his cold, weak and shivering body, knew what meaning looked like.

Meaning had a face, two legs and two arms. Meaning had hair the color of a fox's pelt, eyes the color of silver that shed tears like the rain that drenched his entire being, and fair skin that reddened easily. Meaning had a name that he could not, would not speak for fear of what it would do to him in such a pitiful state.

His body turned in the direction of the hill, his eyes seeking what he already knew was there. Down below, he found a playground comprised of a slide, a muddy sandbox, a large field and a swing-set on which sat a lone figure. Wearing a jacket with a hood decorated to resemble a rabbit's head, this person seemed to belong there in that childish setting, despite being far too tall to be a child. And as Ulquiorra Cifer, the former Cuatro Espada in all his pseudo-human splendor, carefully descended the slippery slope, he found it fitting that _this_ – whatever _this _was – would begin in such a place.

A gust of wind snapped the rabbit-hood back from the mane of red hair that, much like the rest of the world, was far too colorful for his tastes. Hands flew up to try and catch it, sending the swing off-balance, and suddenly Ulquiorra was running, using what was left of his energy to reach the girl before she fell.

For this woman, with three simple words, erased all that he had known of the world and the humans with whom he now shared a form. This woman, with the few words that they had exchanged in that dreary expanse of black and white, had prompted such horrible feelings as selfishness and envy to stir in him where there should have been nothing but a void. This woman, with what little strength she possessed, without once having to call upon the power that rested within her flower-shaped hairpins, had destroyed him and then made him new.

His arms separated from his sides, palms gently coming up to rest flat on her shoulders, steadying her as her fingers clenched the chains holding up the plastic seat. She was surprised; he sensed the tension in her back muscles as her body stiffened. He removed his hands as quickly as he had extended them, feeling the residual thrum of life tingle across his cold and wet skin: the warmth of her blood, the intake of breath, the skipped beat of her heart, her heart, _her heart_…

Her chin lifted, wide silver eyes meeting his, the raindrops hitting her face going unnoticed.

"_I'm not afraid."_

She had offered him forgiveness when he hadn't deserved it.

"_I'm not afraid_._"_

He had died before he could see her shed a single tear for him.

"_I'm not afraid_…_"_

He'd sacrificed his life for this painfully human woman, and only in that final moment had he understood why.

"U-Ulquiorra…"

She was the bright and unreachable moon in his hopelessly black sky, and he wanted to bathe in her light forever.

There was so much that he could have said to her; the fever was allowing stray thoughts to run rampant through his mind, things that he never would have considered had he been granted a proper hold of his senses. But his body was tired. It had carried him thus far and would go no further, and the stress of hearing his name from her lips flipped the off switch on his consciousness. He became prey to gravity, acquaintances with the ground. The cool wetness felt good against his smoldering skin.

Whatever came next – how the shinigami would react, what the woman would decide – these were things that his eyes could not see, and it was utterly unnerving. He hated that he had to leave his fate in the hands of his enemies, that he wouldn't be able to defend himself well enough should they decide to get rid of him. But he could hope, now that he had the ability to, that he had been right to come to Orihime Inoue assuming that she'd know what to do with him. She'd placed her heart in his hands, after all; she had given him the means to rise from the ashes. Surely she had a plan.

It had taken him a lot to get to where he was. She would understand. Where else could they possibly send him? He had nowhere else to go. He was helpless, he was human… but it didn't matter.

He was home.

**TBC**


	12. The Hostage

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Bleach!

**Tell Yourself**

**By: Princess Kitty1**

**Employee of the Month**

Sometimes, but very rarely, Ulquiorra had questions about his work. For example, the boxes labeled 'radioactive.' Should those be kept next to the refrigerator? The ones that were suspiciously shaped like coffins were for Halloween decorations, right? And surely the boxes marked 'skin' and 'hair' didn't refer to _actual _skin and hair…?

Ulquiorra preferred not to emerge from the storeroom, as people associated with the woman frequented the candy store as well: the shinigami's sisters and girlfriend, the Quincy, the behemoth that they called 'Chad,' the neighbors, and even the woman's best friend, Tatsuki Arisawa. Yes, it was much safer to just stay inside of the large garage, which Urahara had told him that he was more than welcome to lord over as his domain.

"How do I do that?" Ulquiorra had asked in response.

"Oh, you know." Urahara had waved his fan in a circle. "If the children come in here to pester you, feel free to send them away. In this place, you're the boss! Well, unless I'm in here."

The very notion of being in charge of anything had kept Ulquiorra up the entire night, pale with anxiety. He'd never been a boss before. What did one do when they were the boss? Then the woman had taken notice of how tired he looked the next morning and had spent all of breakfast worrying about him… not that he was complaining, as the attention was admittedly nice, but he would rather she not worry at all. Thus, the reason he was still procrastinating on telling her about his part-time job, though he had run out of socks to hide his money in and would neither invest in tennis shoes nor show his bare feet in public.

All that aside, he currently found himself staring at a pile of boxes that he wasn't quite sure what to do with. _Fragile _was printed across the top, but Urahara had written that he wanted them to be put with the rest of the heavy things. If Ulquiorra hadn't already been suspecting this man of conducting all sorts of illegal experiments in his underground training room, he probably would have asked what was in them, but he figured that in this case he didn't have to know _everything_.

Curiosity killed casts, apparently… and he despised cats – those ungrateful wretches – so he would let them question to their hearts' content.

Leaving the garage, Ulquiorra entered the store through the back door, peering into Urahara's office. He wasn't there. Come to think of it, the whole shop was a lot quieter than it should have been. Usually one could at least pick up the sound of Jinta bossing Ururu around. Even the tall man in the apron was missing, Ulquiorra noted as he checked the room where the more expiration-prone food items were kept.

_Ding!_

Ulquiorra's body stiffened, then he immediately cast himself onto the floor, dodge-rolling into the storage room with the ease of an action movie hero. Then he realized that he wasn't home, so that couldn't have been the sound of the oven, filled with whatever time bomb of a cooking experiment the woman had conducted, despite his attempts to dissuade her.

_Ding! Ding!_

Where _was _everybody? Surely they would have known where that hideous sound was coming from. Ulquiorra supposed that he would just have to investigate it himself.

But what if it was dangerous? His eyes landed on the virtual pet clipped to his belt loop, the dim lighting in the room enough to bring into focus the moving pixel-blob: Dame Henrietta Wainwright, Tobias the Fifth's daughter, a well-respected and recently knighted woman of the virtual community. He moved his fingers to the chain; putting her life at risk was simply out of the question…

…but then he remembered that she, like her predecessors, had inherited extreme paranoia, therefore causing her to suffer from abandonment issues that quickly led to suicidal ideation.

_DingDingDing!_

Ulquiorra's thumb applied pressure to the clasp. "I will only be gone a second," he promised the bird before, very carefully, extracting it from his belt loop, moving slowly to avoid startling it. He set it gently down on a packet of green tea bottles and glanced at the screen. Henrietta bounced happily in place.

_Ding!_

And then she was replaced by a tombstone.

"Shit."

_Ding! Ding! Ding!_

Ulquiorra glared at the doorway, getting to his feet. Alright, it was time to destroy whatever was making that wretched noise. He could hold a private funeral for the departed bird later, then replace it fast, lest the woman suspect him of having failed his caretaking mission _yet again_.

Stepping into the hallway, Ulquiorra shoved his hands into his pockets and strode into the main store, emerging behind the counter upon which sat the cash register. _Ding! _"Oh! Geez, I was beginning to think that no one was here." He saw the small yellow bell first, sitting next to a tiny note that read _Ring For Assistance_. Then he followed the hand resting atop the bell up to the orange face of a teenage girl that the woman would call a 'kogal': bleached hair, overly tanned skin and outrageously bright makeup. "You really ought to lock the door if you're going on a lunch break or something," she said, smacking her bubblegum loudly. "It'll make the rest of us look like idiots, standing here waiting."

Ulquiorra blinked. Obviously this girl had neglected to spend any time in front of a mirror that morning. "How may I help you?" he asked mechanically. The kogal stuck out the bag of candy she had plucked from the shelves. He took it from her and turned to the register. "Will that be all?"

She rolled her eyes. "Obviously."

Ulquiorra momentarily paused in his number-crunching, but resumed before the girl could notice. Such insolence. Didn't her parents ever teach her to respect her elders? She was probably the kind of girl from those soap operas that the woman liked to watch: antagonists who played innocent around their love interests and were conniving she-demons in front of everyone else.

He was annoyed by the death of Henrietta, the absence of his employer, the scratching sensation the bills stuffed into his shoes were causing his ankles, and this girl's attitude. But perhaps there was a way to salvage his afternoon. As she handed him exact change and snatched the bag of candy off of the counter, Ulquiorra discreetly pressed the button that automatically locked the doors of the shop.

The kogal reached the entrance and pushed a few times, then tried pulling, but the door refused to budge. "Hey," she said loudly in a complaining tone, "it was open a second ago."

"You're right."

She turned around and found Ulquiorra standing in front of the counter, hands in his pockets, his green eyes fixed on hers. "W-What gives?" she tensed as he took a step in her direction. "What are you doing? This isn't funny!"

"I agree. It's not very humorous at all," Ulquiorra stated flatly as he continued to advance upon the kogal, whose breathing was becoming a bit unsteady. He kind of wished he'd have turned the lights out before making his move. "Are you afraid?" he asked her, his shadow falling over her body as he got closer. "There's no one here to protect you." Gosh darn these human emotions, he was finding it so hard to keep a straight face. "It's over. You are going to die here, out of everyone's reach. Alone."

The girl pressed herself back against the door, her eyes as wide as her platform shoes. The candy in the bag she held rattled noisily as she began to tremble, hyperventilate, whimper. How pathetic. He wouldn't be surprised if she peed herself in a few seconds. "I'm asking you," his voice lowered even further as he stopped in front of her, close enough to feel her terror, "_are you afraid_?"

Tears slipped down the kogal's orange cheeks. Would she plead for her life, he wondered? Would she vomit, faint, fling herself down and start kissing his money-filled socks?

Had he not sensed Urahara's reiatsu coming down the street, he would have kept her there a little longer to find out. But instead, he reached past her and unlocked the door manually, getting his fill of amusement when the soft _click _made her jump out of her skin. "Have a nice day."

The girl wasted no time in throwing herself against the glass in her haste to escape. Ulquiorra watched her tumble onto the street, tripping over her platform shoes and falling face-first onto the pavement, her skirt flying up for any bystander – Urahara included – to see her underwear. Then she was on her feet again, sprinting away at a speed that would have made an Olympic runner envious, her candy left abandoned on the sidewalk.

Ulquiorra stepped out and casually retrieved the bag as Urahara approached, the other three in tow, his expression caught between amusement and fear. "Why was that young lady peeling out of here as if she'd seen the devil in my store?" he asked cautiously.

"The woman wouldn't have run."

"Pardon?"

"Perhaps all the chemicals that her body has doubtlessly absorbed got into her brain." Ulquiorra replied, handing the candy back to his boss. "Now then, I had a question about the boxes labeled _fragile_…"

…

"Ne, Ulquiorra,"

"What is it, woman?"

"I was watching the local news earlier, and some kogal claimed that she was held hostage at Urahara-san's convenience store,"

"You don't say."

"But Urahara-san and his employees were out on a break when it happened. The ice cream lady vouched for them and everything."

"That proves their innocence, then."

"Don't you think it's weird, though? The girl said that the guy threatened her life, then just… let her go."

"Hmm."

"Guess there are some pretty sick people out there, huh?"

"…"

"Ulquiorra?"

"…yes, sick."

_Chirp! Chirp!_

"Sounds like it's time to feed Boris."

"Indeed."

"Though I could have sworn you called her Henrietta yesterday."

"You should get your head out of the clouds."

**/TBC/**


	13. Lemon

**A/N: **Kukuku… welcome to this exciting installment of Tell Yourself… kukukukukuuu…. I do hope that you, the audience, finds this chapter to be quite… _pleasurable. _-laughs maniacally-

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Bleach or any other copyrighted material!

**Tell Yourself**

**By: Princess Kitty1**

**Lemon**

"Prepare yourself, woman."

Orihime shifted uncomfortably on her stomach as Ulquiorra leaned over her, the bed creaking beneath their combined weight. "A-Alright…" She closed her eyes, shivering when she felt his fingers touch her lower back. "Wait!"

Ulquiorra looked up at her. "What?"

Orihime blushed. She must have been annoying him, this being the fifth or sixth time that she had stopped him. "I'm just worried, I guess."

"Worried about what? You were the one who came to me. I assumed that you would be well aware of what was going to happen." Ulquiorra chided her. When she said nothing in response, he threw an exasperated glare at the drawn window shades. "There is nothing to fear. This should not take more than a few minutes."

"You're right. I'm being silly. Umm… give me second." She breathed in, breathed out, and snapped on a determined expression to hide the fact that her hands were shaking. "Okay. I'm ready."

"Are you certain?"

"Yes… wait, you have to promise that you won't look."

"…"

"Err, though I guess that's unavoidable, huh? Well then, let's do this."

Now it was Ulquiorra's turn to sigh. "Woman, if you don't want to…"

"Hurry up and stick it in before I change my mind!" Orihime snapped irritably.

His eyes narrowed. "Fine."

She frowned at the wall in front of her, resting her chin on her arms, feeling the mattress sink to one side again. "Everything alright?"

"Hmm," Ulquiorra inspected her body. "This won't do."

"What do you mean – _eek_!" Orihime screamed as he grabbed her hips and lifted them upwards so that she was on her knees, her upper body still resting on the bed. "Ulquiorra!"

"Much better."

"You could have given a warn- ! Eek!"

"Hold still. I do not wish to hurt you."

Orihime did as she was told, another tremor going through her body as she felt him push forward slowly. His palm laid flat on her lower back, applying pressure to readjust her position. Ugh, it was no good. She was getting impatient, couldn't breathe, and her back hurt in its current arched state. And so, pulling her arms apart and grabbing the sheets, she moved against him.

"Ah!"

Ulquiorra froze. "Woman, I told you to hold still… ah, you're bleeding."

"I am?" Her voice took on a higher pitch. "Oh no, is it bad?"

"It looks worse than it is. Shall I get you a damp towel?"

"No, no. Just finish what you started."

He shrugged. "Very well."

As he started to move again, Orihime gasped and wriggled, letting out the occasional whimper. "W-Wait, slow down!"

"What's the matter now?"

She glanced at him over her shoulder, her cheeks rosy. "It hurts…"

"You were the one who asked me to do this."

"I know."

"You've kept me waiting all afternoon, woman, but I will stop if you're having doubts."

"I'm not having doubts! I was just hoping you would be a little gentler."

"…."

"Ulquiorra?"

"Gentle does not yield results." Orihime felt a sharp tug on her abdomen and squealed in surprise. "Must you be so noisy?" he grunted. "This apartment has thin walls. What will your neighbors think?"

"It's not my – ah! – fault!"

"Then get used to it, because I will not stop for your complaints anymore." And with that he leaned forward, clamping a hand down on her shoulder to pull her back roughly.

"Ulquiorra, wait! Oww! Ah! _Anh!_"

"It's so tight."

"Aah! Oh God! _Oh God, Ulquiorra!_"

"Woman…"

_Snap!_

Orihime collapsed against the bed, moaning in ecstasy and panting hard. Ulquiorra was right on top of her, his breath fanning out across her ear as he leaned in to whisper into it. "You're free now."

She nodded, smiling at him gratefully. "Thank you."

He removed himself from her and she sat up, turning around to get a look at the piece of torn yellow fabric hanging off of Murcielago's blade. Ulquiorra was staring at it too, still trying to catch his breath from the effort. "What a stubborn piece of clothing."

"And gorgeous to boot. Why couldn't it have been my size?"

"It looks like a lemon."

Orihime frowned, ignoring the comment. "And now it's beyond repair, so I can't return it."

"You told me to do whatever it took to get it off."

"I know!" She sighed. "I'm never ordering dresses online again."As Ulquiorra cast the ruined garment aside and sheathed his sword, Orihime wrapped the blankets around herself and slid off of the bed. "I'm going to get started on dinner. Want to help?"

Ulquiorra made no move to join her. "I'll be there shortly."

Once she had put a bandaid on the cut Ulquiorra's blade had caused her, then slipped on another shirt and left the room, he waited until he heard things clattering around the kitchen before he glared down at his lap in dismay. Stupid, easily-excitable human body. She really _shouldn't _have been making all those unnecessary noises.

**/TBC/**

**A/N: **…oh please. If this had been a real lemon, the rating would have changed to 'mature!'


	14. Heads Up

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Bleach or any other copyrighted material.

**Tell Yourself**

**By: Princess Kitty1**

**Heads Up**

Ulquiorra had to admit that he was rather pleased when the woman requested to come along to the library with him one afternoon. He'd needed to return a book, and since she had the day off from work and homework was boring her to tears, she declared that she was willing to join him on his trip. "Nonsense," he said, putting up a fight for the sake of hiding his pleasure, "your work needs to be completed."

"I need some fresh air!" she complained in response, stretching until she had ended up in some weird position where she had one foot on the table, but was lying on her stomach with her arms extended towards the couch. Ulquiorra wondered how she managed to twist herself in such ways. Perhaps that yoga thing that she followed on television really did make one more flexible. She pulled herself up, then, looking around for her shoes. "You can take Boris for a walk, too!"

Ulquiorra unconsciously pat the virtual pet clipped to his belt loop. He was becoming paranoid that the marshmallow bird was nearing the end of its life; according to Orihime, the fact that it had survived for so long was rather bizarre, as apparently "no one could keep those things alive for more than a few days." He glared down at the screen, where the winged blob moved about in a queer little dance. Was it a conspiracy, then? The pixilated creatures had died of natural causes and not neglect? …aside from Bento, but those were dark times that he preferred not to think about.

Soon Orihime had grabbed her shoes and joined him by the door, slipping them on at the entrance. "What book are you returning, anyway?" she asked him as he pulled open the door and the humid spring air smacked them in the face. Wordlessly, Ulquiorra handed her the thick volume, which she wrinkled her nose at. "Is this another one of those boring philosophy books?"

"Boring?" Ulquiorra inquired as they walked past the neighboring apartment. He glanced at the window and noticed a pair of narrowed eyes watching them as they headed towards the stairs. _Take that, child._ Stupid little boys couldn't escort women to the library, now could they? He turned his head back to Orihime and felt his stomach plummet past his shoes as his eyes measured the distance between her foot and the next step. The woman, with her nose buried in the book, had misjudged the number of stairs and was about to take a very nasty spill onto the concrete below. Dashing ahead, he stuck his own foot out for her to use as a step, and she landed safely on the next one, completely unaware of the danger that her inattentiveness had just put her in.

"Yeah," she said as she flipped to the next page, "I can never make heads or tails of half the things you read." Rounding the corner, her head would have connected with a street sign, had Ulquiorra not jumped up and used his superhuman strength to twist the sign downwards, then readjust it the moment Orihime had cleared it.

"Woman - " Ulquiorra would have scolded her further had she not stepped out onto the busy street, just as a car traveling far too fast came into view. He abandoned the now crooked sign and gave himself an extra boost of speed with his reiatsu, cleverly tripping the woman so that she would stumble enough to put herself out of harm's way. "Just because _you_ cannot understand them does not make them boring." The car screeched to a stop in time to barely clip Ulquiorra's side. He gave the driver a wilting glare that had the middle aged man shrinking in his seat.

"I guess not," Orihime, still walking ahead, frowned down at a paragraph. "I don't agree with what he's saying here, though." she said as she strolled right past a bright yellow warning banner: **Caution: Construction Ahead. Please use other side of street.**

Ulquiorra stepped back onto the sidewalk and felt a rush of lightheadedness when he noticed that the woman was going straight towards a large hole ripped into the walkway by a jackhammer. Ignoring the slight twinge of pain from the car's bruising nudge, he picked up momentum as he ran and jumped to the side to avoid Orihime's notice, kicking off of a brick wall and throwing himself over the hole, barely managing to catch the edge with his fingers and toes. "That's the point of philosophy - !" he said as Orihime unknowingly walked across his back – and stepped on his head – before clearing the hole. "You're supposed to disagree."

Seeing that she was safe, Ulquiorra let his legs drop, crouching against the edge of the small pit briefly before pushing off of it and somersaulting onto solid ground. The woman was a few feet away, walking the perimeter of a local park in which a group of children were playing soccer. Ulquiorra caught sight of her again at the very moment that one of the kids kicked the ball in the wrong direction.

"I don't know," Orihime grumbled as she turned another page, completely unaware of the checkered projectile headed towards her head, "it seems like nothing would get done that way, you know?"

Ulquiorra was at her side in a heartbeat, falling onto his hands and throwing his legs over his head, kicking the soccer ball with enough force to send it rocketing back into the goal on the other side of the park. The children, slack-jawed in amazement, began to cheer wildly, the hapless goalie staring at his deflating ball in dismay. "Well in the case of that particular book, the philosophers were not trying to get anything done."

Orihime sighed in frustration. "Then why even write the book in the first place?" Her eyes glued to the pages, she didn't notice the gang of five or so college boys leering in her direction. One of them motioned towards her and they deserted the spot in the alley in which they had been lurking, casually falling into step behind her.

Really? _Really_? Ulquiorra had his hand on the first guy's shoulder before he could even gather his proper bearings. Knuckles connected with mouths, shoes were acquainted with guts, elbows sent jarring blows into ribcages, skull slammed into jaws and sent broken teeth scattering onto the pavement. The men came at him in a disorganized mess, and he retaliated with the frightening rage of a provoked hornet swarm. Finally, once they had all collapsed onto the ground and seemed reluctant to try their hands at attacking him again, he gave them a chilling glare that sent the hoodlums scrambling for the alleys.

He was almost afraid to turn around to see what sort of danger he would have to protect the woman from next – because at this point he was expecting nothing less than her walking into the path of an asteroid – but when he looked, she was decidedly out of harm's way, and the library was just up ahead. He jogged over to join her, feeling more winded than he should have. "They wrote the book to show others that it was okay to agree to disagree."

Orihime approached the metal box labeled 'book returns,' closed the heavy volume and handed it back to Ulquiorra with a smile. "Like you and me?"

His eyes met hers as he accepted the book and nodded once "Yes. Like you and me." There was a shared moment of peace in which he felt his anger and tension melt away in the loveliness of the day, then he turned to drop the book into the metal box.

"Ouch!"

Ulquiorra shot a glance in the woman's direction. She was rubbing her head, searching the ground for something before she burst into a fit of giggles. "Wow! That acorn totally nailed me. I thought that sort of thing only happened in cartoons – hey! Ulquiorra, what–?"

But it was too late to stop him. The former Espada was upon the acorn, his patience gone, violently stamping it with his foot until it had become nothing but tiny, unrecognizable acorn bits. And once it was that small, he ground it down to a powder, his fists clenched, shoulders heaving in enraged snarls. Five uncertain seconds passed before he lifted his foot, examined the destruction that he had wrought, and allowed himself to relax. The perpetrator had been dealt with.

Orihime stared down at the remnants of the acorn. "Umm…"

And here Ulquiorra would have made an excuse for his appropriately violent behavior, but the moment he opened his mouth something struck him in the back of the head hard enough to knock him forward. Bright lights burst across his vision, and before he knew it, he had fallen onto the ground, clutching the back of his head and opening his eyes wide to try and stop the world from spinning.

"Oops! Sorry about that, Cifer-san!" the familiar voice of Kumiko the librarian called out to him apologetically. Apparently he had been standing right in front of the window when she had carelessly thrown it open.

Orihime's face appeared in Ulquiorra's line of sight, a sort of sympathetic concern causing her brows to crease, as if she knew exactly how he felt. "Geez, that looked painful!" She smiled sadly. "You really ought to watch where you're going."

**/TBC/**

**A/N: **Kubo-sensei has given us a few examples of Orihime's accident proneness… which led me to wonder, "How accident prone is she?" Enough to make Ulquiorra's blood pressure shoot through the roof, I'm sure.

Click the review button to let me know what you thought, and anticipate _Love Story III!_


	15. Love Story III

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Bleach or any other copyrighted material!

**Tell Yourself**

**By: Princess Kitty1**

**Love Story III**

Ulquiorra almost _didn't _approach the librarians on his next literary adventure, but seeing as there was no section in the building clearly labeled 'human love,' he wouldn't have known where to look on his own. Thus, he found himself standing in front of the information desk while the three women bickered over what would be best suited to his tastes, now that he'd gotten his feet wet, so to speak.

"You know, Cifer-san," said the freckled Rina, "your interest in these love stories is rather noteworthy."

"I do not see how," he replied impatiently as the other two grabbed each others' faces and began pressing down on their eyeballs with their thumbs. Wasn't that painful?

"I mean, normally when a guy's looking into such things," she continued as the other two yelped and grunted in the background – feet were becoming involved now, "it's because… well, because they're in love with someone."

The other two froze, their interest piqued. Ulquiorra stared at them as if he had just stumbled on a pack of wild monkeys throwing poop at each other. "Ridiculous." And with that dismissed, the other two resumed their battle, Kumiko complaining loudly that Yuri had suggested the book last time. Rina rolled her eyes and motioned for Ulquiorra to follow her.

"While they're distracted," she whispered with a secretive smile that he did not return. Together they strolled to the literature section, where Rina perused the shelf, her freckled nose scrunching up in concentration. "You're a pretty brooding guy," she noted off-handedly, glancing at him quickly to make sure she hadn't offended him. If she had, she wouldn't have been able to tell; he looked about as excited – and slightly pained – as someone sitting through a lecture on cell division. "So _I_ think that what you need is… is that a tamagotchi?"

Ulquiorra gazed down at the virtual pet clipped to his belt loop. "No," he answered bluntly, "it is a mission." Really, why did people keep asking him that? He'd had an unfortunate run in with the shinigami the other day, in which the trash had gawked at James Madigan – loyal assassin to His Majesty and keeper of the overall peace within the device, now responsible for the deaths of Boris and his lineage – as if it were making obscene gestures at him.

"Okay…" Rina turned back to the shelf, found what she was looking for, and withdrew it carefully. "This one's fiction, but you didn't seem to enjoy the true story we gave you last time, so I'm switching it up again. Is that alright?"

"If I learn something, then I do not care."

"Good!" She placed the book in his hands and Ulquiorra peered down at it curiously. _Wuthering Heights_. The cover itself was rather uninteresting, decorated by a landscape of scraggly trees and a clouded sky. He gave the librarian a doubtful look, but she seemed confident that she had made the right choice and pushed him off towards the tables. "You might wallow through the text a bit, but it's totally worth it."

The last time someone – that being Jinta – had told Ulquiorra that something was 'totally worth it,' he had ended up coughing up a piece of candy so sour that it had burned his tongue, resulting in his speech being somewhat slurred for the next few days. The woman had at first thought that he was having a stroke and would have called an ambulance had he not grabbed her ankle to prevent her from moving. Needless to say, he was beginning to grow wary of that phrase.

Having plenty of time to kill before the woman got home from work and school, he sat down at his usual table, one with the information desk in his direct line of sight, in case he needed to cero the librarians into oblivion. The other two were whining about Rina's apparent sneakiness, which he tuned out in order to properly get into the novel in his hands.

So there was a mysterious place with a mysterious back story. Being of an inquisitive nature, Ulquiorra figured that the book would be worth sticking through, simply to get the background of the estate and its inhabitants. Here began the love story, he assumed, with an orphaned boy being taken into a household and growing close to the young girl that resided there. They are raised together, wild and free, and fall for each other in the process, hooray for them. Ulquiorra's eyes narrowed. This was beginning to drag.

Ah… who were those siblings? He frowned as the book began to take another turn, as the Catherine character's interest began to shift to the other male in the equation, and the scorned Heathcliff became green with envy. Ulquiorra paused to feed Mr. Madigan, who had begun to chirp rather insistently, then went back to his reading. Okay, so he could understand the jealousy, but certainly a man like Heathcliff would have a way of making the silly woman pay attention to him again.

No, he overheard the wrong thing and left the estate. Ulquiorra was vaguely reminded of Romeo and Juliet, and took a moment to find hiding places for the librarians' corpses before he tentatively pressed onwards.

Now the woman was married, and not even happy about it. Oh! Heathcliff returned. Perhaps there was hope for the plot after all. No, wait, never mind. He married the sister of his lover's husband. Really, one would think that adults would be a little more mature about such affairs, but the man was acting like a pouting child.

Oh, and then the woman died.

Ulquiorra stood from the table. He grabbed the book, keeping his index finger within it and approaching the information desk. Rina, Kumiko and Yuri looked up from where they had been busily sorting a stack of returns. "Done already?"

He took in a deep breath, counted backwards from ten. If Yammy had been there, he would have told the gluttonous behemoth to devour their souls. "No," he replied, ripping a bookmark from a small stack of them, "I needed a placeholder." Slipping it between the pages, he put the novel on the desk. "I shall return shortly."

Urahara's shop wasn't far from the library. He went there, finding his hat-and-sandal-clad boss talking to Yoruichi Shihoin, the cat woman that came and went as she pleased. "Hey there," Yoruichi greeted him, unsure of what to call him.

Kisuke waved at Ulquiorra jovially. "What brings you in this afternoon, Espada-san? You don't work for another two days."

"_Work_?" Yoruichi cried.

Ulquiorra walked past her, not replying to either of them as he grabbed a plastic cup and went to the slushie machine.

"He works here now," Kisuke informed the woman happily, "something that you would have known had you not run off to go adventuring without me. It's a secret, though. I think he's saving up to buy Orihime-chan a neko girl maid cosplay, or something ecchi like that."

"Do not make up stories about me, trash," Ulquiorra hissed as the cup filled with strawberry flavored ice.

Kisuke leaned closer to the bewildered Yoruichi. "He's still shy about it. They're in, you know," he made lewd hand gestures, "one of _those _relationships."

"Orihime's too young!" Yoruichi screamed in a fit of protectiveness over the girl she had helped train.

"He is lying," Ulquiorra replied before Kisuke could throw in any more false information. He grabbed a bright red straw and stuck it into the slushie. With the two former shinigami watching, he downed the entire thing in one go… then immediately dropped the cup and seized his head in pain.

"Ooh, brain freeze. Hold your tongue to the roof of your mouth!" Urahara told him.

He didn't listen, however, and stumbled towards the counter, digging into his pocket and producing enough money to cover the slushie with a grimace. Then he tottered out of the store, leaving a smiling Kisuke and a flabbergasted Yoruichi staring at the cash. "I wonder what that was about?" Urahara drew his fan out of his sleeve, snapped it open and began cooling himself lethargically.

Meanwhile, Ulquiorra returned to the library, the painful grip the brain freeze had on his temples loosening as he walked. Now that he had distracted himself from his rage, he could finish reading the book. He'd made good time so far. There were still two hours before the woman got home.

Upon entering the building he went straight to the information desk and snatched the novel from its surface without so much as a greeting to Yuri, who had been manning the station while the other two shelved books. He took up his usual seat again, settling down rather grumpily. This story had _better _have some redeeming qualities.

Catherine was dead, having given birth to a daughter. Heathcliff was on a rampage. Seventeen years pass and the man has a son of his own, who he forces Catherine's daughter to marry, thus gaining control of both properties. Throughout all this he is haunted by the ghost of his beloved and desires to be reunited with her, which happens… eventually.

So in order to attain a happy ending, the two had to die, after acting like idiots their entire lives.

Ulquiorra momentarily forgot his anger in favor of contemplating the term 'soul mate.' He would have asked the librarians, but they probably would have launched into a morbid account that made this celebrated and apparently beautiful human term sound a lot worse than it might have been. So he returned _Wuthering Heights _to them, giving them his honest opinion when asked: "Heathcliff was almost likable."

Rina smiled triumphantly at the other two. "Told you he'd enjoy this one."

"I did not enjoy it in the slightest," Ulquiorra corrected her. He was about to turn away, but stopped suddenly, glaring at them. "Is there not one of these tales that ends without one or both of the lovers dying?"

The three blinked. Kumiko was the first to respond. "Well, looking at it from a realistic standpoint, _every _relationship ends in tragedy because we all die eventually," she said.

Ulquiorra's eyes narrowed further. That was technically true, but not the answer he was searching for. He departed from the library, considering stopping by at the store for another smoothie.

…

"So anyway, then she was like, 'Orihime, I just do not understand how you can _possibly _stand those weird foods you eat,' and I told her that she really couldn't knock something that she hadn't tried. But of course she wouldn't try it, because she's Tatsuki-chan and Tatsuki-chan is very stubborn. Rukia-chan tried it though! I was happy. Maybe it's a shinigami thing, because Rangiku-san liked my cooking too." Orihime paused in her theatric narrative of the afternoon's events. "Rukia-chan got a really bad stomachache, though. She was at the infirmary for a good hour and a half."

"It is because I do not aid you in preparing your lunches," Ulquiorra told her, and she made a face at him. They were enjoying a rather normal dinner – fixed by him, of course – with James Madigan occupying the seat next to her – she'd insisted that the pixilated creature was in need of female company. The television was on in the background, laughter bursting through its speakers. "Woman," Ulquiorra said at length, "what is a 'soul mate'?"

Orihime nearly dropped her bowl and utensils. She gaped at him, her lips clamped down on a long string of noodles, chopsticks poised to assist her in bringing them to her mouth. When he said nothing else, she slurped them up and chewed them thoroughly. "Uh sful mut," she murmured around her food before swallowing. "A soul mate is, uh…" A blush crawled to her cheeks. "It's hard to explain."

"Try," Ulquiorra half-ordered, half-asked. She had, after all, explained the heart to him in a way that had eventually made sense.

Orihime put her bowl and chopsticks down, waving her hands animatedly. "Umm! A soul mate! It's a, uh… it's a person, yeah. It's a person who you, uh, well…" She blushed even harder.

Ulquiorra waited patiently as she gathered her scattered thoughts."It is a person," he repeated, and she nodded furiously.

"A soul mate is a person that, basically, well, you wait your whole life to meet them, without knowing that you're waiting," she smiled a bit, "This is the person that you're going to be with _forever_." Orihime's chest swelled, and she let out a dreamy sigh. "They even say that you've been with this person in past lives. Throughout death and rebirth, you and that person's souls will be together. No matter who you are, where you are in the world… you'll always find a way back to each other, because you were just _meant to be_."

Compared to the answer Ulquiorra would have gotten from the librarians, this one was much more tolerable. Juvenile, but preferred. The expression on his face must have been telling, because Orihime lowered her head, smoothing her hands over her skirt. "That probably sounds stupid, huh?"

Ulquiorra lifted his gaze to hers. "You did not lie to me about the existence of the heart, therefore, I have no reason not to believe you."

Orihime's eyes widened, and the only sound left in the apartment was the television static and the occasional laugh from the audience. They held each other's attention for two long moments, and then the virtual pet beeped for companionship. She fumbled for it and obliged the creature with a game while Ulquiorra returned to his meal.

But neither of them spoke again, lost in their own silent contemplations.

**/TBC/**


	16. The Return of Taro

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Bleach or any other copyrighted material.

**Tell Yourself**

**By: Princess Kitty1**

**The Return of Taro**

The woman had a dentist's appointment.

This, she said, with an obvious note of displeasure that Ulquiorra's ears picked up like antenna. He knew what a dentist was, but having never experienced an encounter with one, he didn't know what happened during such appointments. Furthermore, what could be so upsetting about seeing a tooth doctor? Preventing cavities was a good thing, right? Regardless, it took only a few minutes of the woman's pouting for him to offer to go along with her.

"Are you sure?" Orihime pulled her bottom lip between her teeth and let it go. "You'll just be sitting in the waiting room, doing nothing. Totally boring."

"I do not mind," he answered. It beat staying home alone. He was finally beginning to take notice of why everyone called television 'mind-numbing,' having sat down to watch one program the other day and regaining control of his senses hours later. At least he was getting a decent idea of humanity now:

It was _twice_ as bad as he'd initially deemed it.

The woman had been pleased by his promise of accompaniment and had returned to her sunny disposition for the rest of the night. The morning of the appointment, however, she was back to pouting. She spent an hour in front of the bathroom sink carving into her pink gums with dental floss and vigorously scrubbing her teeth with a brush, then swishing that minty liquid stuff around before spitting it back out. Ulquiorra remembered the first day he had spent with her, when she had been teaching him human basics, like this teeth-cleaning ritual. Amidst her giggling at how awkwardly he'd held his toothbrush, and the faces he'd pulled as she had tried to show him _where _to brush, he had somehow learned the art. But seeing how much time she devoted to her teeth, he began to wonder if he'd been doing it wrong all along.

There was nothing particularly wrong about that morning, he observed as they stepped outside of the apartment together. It was beginning to grow warmer with summer months ahead of them. The woman had recently started her senior year of high school and was excited with the possibilities. But today, the mirth did not quite reach her eyes, which Ulquiorra didn't enjoy. It was strange for her to not be happy on a perfectly acceptable day.

The dentist's office wasn't far from their residence; two or three blocks along which the woman miraculously kept herself out of harm's way. She _really _must have been apprehensive about this if even her usual clumsiness had departed from her. This attitude of hers – the slight frown, the rare silence – was the beginning of Ulquiorra's tension. When he pulled open the office door for her and allowed her inside, something happened that made his blood pressure soar to unhealthy levels:

"Orihime-nee-san!"

"Oh, Taro-kun!"

Ulquiorra stood frozen in the doorway of the dentist's office like a malevolent presence as he watched the prepubescent neighbor boy catapult himself from his chair and into the woman's open arms. While pressed into her chest, Taro scowled at Ulquiorra, as if to say, "_You again."_ Ulquiorra returned the glare, certain that he would say the same had they not been in a crowded waiting room. His fingers tightened on the door handle unconsciously, leaving imprints in the steel.

The woman did not notice – of course, he thought bitterly – and ruffled the boy's short black hair affectionately. "Are you here for a dentist's appointment, too?" she asked, noticing his grandmother half-dozing in a nearby chair.

"Yup! I'm getting my teeth cleaned," Taro frowned, "though I don't want to."

Orihime smiled sympathetically. "Sorry, Taro-kun. It has to be done! You don't want your teeth to rot, do you?" At this, he clasped both hands over his mouth and shook his head. Putting on an act for the gullible woman's sake… this child was a demon.

Ulquiorra found an empty chair and sat down, keeping his attention on the pair. He would have rather ignored them, but considering that the Taro boy had a conniving streak, he would need monitoring. From what he could gather, their appointments were at the same time, and the boy was due to be called at any minute. "I'm scared," he whimpered, giving her a pleading look. "Obaa-san is asleep. I don't want to go back there by myself."

Orihime gazed at him sadly. "I'll be getting my teeth cleaned, too, though. Do you want me to ask the doctor if I can stand in with you first?"

Taro considered this, then shook his head. "No, it's alright." His eyes then landed upon Ulquiorra, and the evil brewing in their mud-colored depths could be comparable to that of Aizen's plans for Soul Society. "But do you think it would be alright if Ulquiorra-_oji-san_ could come with me?"

Orihime cringed at the title, wanting to explain to Taro-kun that she and Ulquiorra were roughly the same age, so he shouldn't have referred to the now wide-eyed ex-Espada as 'uncle.' But the door had just opened, an assistant in scrubs calling out Taro's name, and the boy looked more desperate than ever. She turned to Ulquiorra with a sheepish expression. "C-Could you?" she asked timidly.

Ulquiorra did not know what the child was up to, but this would be a good opportunity to keep him under his radar, as well as observe what went on during these 'dentist appointments.' "Yes," he stated simply, and let the woman have his chair. She smiled at him gratefully as he joined Taro, and together they approached the cheerful nurse holding the door open for them. Ugh, he even played sweet for _that _lady. How disgusting.

Slipping his hands into his pockets, Ulquiorra trailed the others, taking note of everything he saw. The floor was split into several small, identical rooms, each one sporting a strange chair in the middle, which he supposed was for the patients. He stood off to the side silently as the nurse gave Taro a cup of staining liquid to swish around in his mouth. Then the boy was instructed to brush and floss his teeth like he normally did in a sink down the hall. Ulquiorra followed him there as well.

They saw Orihime in passing, chattering animatedly with the dentist leading her to a room further away from theirs. "You've got some nerve," Taro said finally, his voice edged with razor blades as they reached the sink, "coming to Orihime-chan's appointment with her like a doting boyfriend."

Ulquiorra's guard settled into place as the boy ripped open the package of a new toothbrush. "The woman was nervous," he informed him, as if this were explanation enough.

Taro continued to scowl as he wrapped floss around his fingers and leaned forward, digging into his gums. "And what's the deal with you calling her 'woman,' anyway? I hardly believe that my beloved angel is playing kinky games with a mopey-faced loser."

"Mopey-faced?" Ulquiorra had heard this from Jinta as well, but hadn't given it much thought.

"Yeah," Taro mumbled, "you've got those lame tattoos on your face, and you walk around looking like a kicked dog half the time. Don't think I haven't noticed."

The fact that he was being watched by an eleven year old boy made Ulquiorra's stomach turn with revulsion. How had he been so careless? Enemies were everywhere. "What _else _have you noticed?" he asked, a particular worry beginning to gnaw on his awareness. The triumphant smirk that he received from the boy through the mirror was enough to confirm his fears.

"I saw the other day," he murmured sinisterly, "all that stuff you did to keep my angel out of danger." Taking in Ulquiorra's shock, he continued brushing his teeth with a confident air. "So what are you, anyway?" he continued around the brush. "You don't _look _like an alien, but who knows? Maybe you're wearing something that hides your real form from humankind, or you can manipulate minds."

This was bad. Ulquiorra imagined fastening his currently pocketed hands around the boy's neck and bringing his life to a quick and painless end, but he couldn't. Not here. There were too many witnesses.

Taro spit out a mouthful of toothpaste. "Whatever you are, it doesn't matter, I guess." He shrugged. "If you're not even _human_, then why am I worried?"

Now Ulquiorra's hands _did _leave his pockets, but what he would do with them, he wasn't sure. The boy had just told him that he wasn't human, something that Ulquiorra would have readily agreed to a few short months ago; something that his old self would have been proud of. Then why was he two seconds from killing this kid over pointing out the obvious truth? He had changed, he had gained a heart… but was he _human_?

Once again, the child had won, and Ulquiorra's tension continued to grow.

They made their way back to the room, where Taro sat happily in his seat, hands clasped behind his head, exhibiting none of the previous fear that he had used to sway the woman's heart. Swinging his leg listlessly over the side of the chair, he grinned when he noticed that the older boy hadn't retaliated to his comment. Had he struck a nerve?

The assistant returned then, pulling over her chair and grabbing the lamp above Taro's head. She directed her attention to Ulquiorra. "Cifer-san, I presume? Inoue-san asked me to tell you that she would be delayed a bit. Turns out that she has a cavity in need of filling!"

Ulquiorra nodded once, distractedly watching her examine the boy's teeth. Once she had probed around a bit, she reassured him that she would be right back and left the room again.

"A cavity, huh?" Taro murmured, deciding to have fun investigating just how inhuman his rival might be. "Oh, poor, _poor _Orihime-chan," he lamented dramatically. "A _cavity_? Man…" He glanced up momentarily and noticed that he had his companion's undivided attention. "Wait, you mean, you don't know?"

"I do not know _what_, trash?"

Taro threw in his full efforts, mustering up his most devastated expression. "It's just… cavities are the absolute _worst_. In fact, the only thing that could _possibly_ top them in pain and gore are the methods they use to fill them." He shook his head pityingly. "No wonder my dearest Orihime-chan looked so nervous when she saw me. She must have known, must have understood what she was going to be put through." Insert shiver here. "With these doctors, who knows what sort of torture she'll endure before…"

Ulquiorra waited. Taro sighed. Time to end his performance. "I sure hope you didn't get into a fight or something with her this morning, because with a _cavity_… well, to be completely honest, it would be a miracle if she came out of this alive." The spring had been wound so tightly, the rubber band stretched so far that all it needed was one more push. "Sure am glad that I was the last person to hug her before she left this world."

Ulquiorra was gone in the blink of an eye. Taro scrambled from his chair and ran to see where this would lead.

Down the hall, Orihime opened her mouth as the kind young dentist withdrew the thin swab that had coated her gums in a numbing gel. She'd gotten a little on her tongue, causing that to lose feeling in some places as well. But she was more annoyed with herself for having marred her perfect record with a cavity; the disadvantage of working at a bakery, she supposed. At least it would be over soon.

"Alright, Inoue-san. There's really nothing to be afraid of," the dentist told her gently as he prepared the injection of Novocain that would deaden the nerve in her tooth. "All you'll feel is one slight pinch, and after that, nothing."

"Oh, I know… my friend thold me about getting her fillingsh… ish justh the drill shound that bothersh me," Orihime could have giggled at the ridiculous sound of her voice. She sounded like Ulquiorra had that time when he'd burned his tongue on a piece of sour candy and she'd thought he was having a stroke.

The dentist laughed. "That's one of our biggest complaints, believe it or not." He turned to face her, lowering the needle towards her parted lips. "Okay, Ms. Inoue. Open up nice and wide…"

And suddenly, it was as if a tornado had blown into the room. There came a rush of wind, papers flying everywhere, followed by a startled cry, and Orihime blinked as she discovered no one where the doctor had previously stood over her. "Eh?" Straightening quickly, she found the terrified young man in the white coat pinned to the opposite wall by none other than her former captor. The needle had been taken from him, and was now positioned mere inches from the skin of his neck.

Ulquiorra's green eyes were alive with rage, though his face remained an impassive mask. "And where did you think you were putting this?" he hissed, his hand clenched around the needle so tightly that he was surprised it hadn't burst and spilled its contents all over his fingers.

"Ulquiorra! Shtop!" the woman yelled behind him, and his limbs locked on command. "Whath are you _doing_?"

He tore his livid gaze from the whimpering doctor, finding the woman with her hands planted firmly on her hips, awaiting an explanation. One horrified nurse stood frozen in the doorway. And all the while, he could hear the damnable Taro cackling in the hallway.

…

Orihime was not pleased. Between apologies to her dentist and bogus stories about Ulquiorra's nerves being twice as bad as hers because he was both a vegan and an extremist pacifist, she made sure to give him a proper scolding. Taro was neither discovered nor blamed.

The weather had turned gloomy throughout their ordeal; as they walked home, clouds hung in the sky above, rapidly blocking out the sun. The air was thick with the scent of coming rain and a cool breeze passed them by.

It was rather hard to take the woman seriously when her heavy tongue was impeding her speech and causing her to drool a bit, but Ulquiorra got the message loud and clear. He would not apologize for what had happened, particularly when it hadn't _really _been his fault. Waiting until Orihime had finished ranting and thinking of all the problems that could issue from this incident, he finally said his peace on the matter. "Perhaps," his voice betrayed no emotion, "this would not have happened if I were human."

Orihime withdrew her hands from her face. "Whath?" Before she could think better of it, she grabbed his arm to stop him. "Is thath whath you really think?" When he said nothing else, she sighed and shook her head. "No, no, Ulquiorra. Thas not it at all." Her silver eyes were wide, imploring him to listen. "People make misthakes. Acthually, you could pretthy much sthay thath it's _human _to make misthakes. Stho what if you didn't know thath the denthist wasn't trying to hurth me?"

Ulquiorra stared at her a moment longer, drinking in the sight of her concerned face, of the compassion that had pieced together the heart that now beat a little faster in his chest. Then he turned away, hands in his pockets, headed for home. "You sound ridiculous."

Orihime sighed and followed him glumly. "I know."

But because his back was to her front, she couldn't see the change in his disposition, the fire returning to his eyes. He'd almost lost to the enemy and his mind games that day, but he wouldn't allow Taro the advantage next time.

He would embrace humanity if it gave him the chance to win what he treasured most.

**/TBC/**


	17. The Art of Twisting Tongues

**Disclaimer: **Do not own Bleach or any other copyrighted material!

**Tell Yourself**

**By: Princess Kitty1**

**The Art of Twisting Tongues**

"_Tonari no kyaku wa yoku kaki ky… that isn't right_…"

It was Sunday morning, and Ulquiorra had woken up uncharacteristically late. For this reason he had been concerned that he would walk into the living room and find the woman eating cheese bread with pickles, as he was usually the one who prepared breakfast to prevent her from poisoning herself. But upon shuffling into the hall, he heard her talking to herself within her own bedroom.

"_Tonari no kyaku wa yoku kaki _kuu_ kyaku da! Ha! I got it!_" The door burst open and Orihime emerged in a cloud of strongly scented shampoo and soap, hair damp with a towel draped loosely over her shoulders, paying no attention to her surroundings and nearly colliding with Ulquiorra. She stopped herself just in time. "Oh! Good morning! I didn't wake you, did I?"

"No." He held his breath as she walked past, hoping not to inhale the clean scent, for fear of having indecent thoughts. "What were you saying to yourself, woman? Something about persimmons?"

Orihime turned to face him, walking backwards with a smile. "Nothing, nothing! It was a tongue twister."

And there went the indecent thoughts. "Pardon?"

"A tongue twister! It's a sentence that's hard to say quickly. Like…" She scratched her head, moving towards the kitchen. Ulquiorra went after her, deciding that he should fix something to eat before she did it herself. While he rummaged in the pantry, she leaned on the counter, tapping her fingers as she racked her brains. Then she smacked the surface with her palm, causing Ulquiorra to jump and hit his head on the shelf. "Got one! _Uriuri ga uri urini kite uri urezu uri uri kaeru uriuri no koe_."

Ulquiorra glared at her and moved away from the pantry, rubbing his head with one hand while the other seized her arm, turning her around to face him. Then he pulled down her jaw, inspecting her mouth. "Your tongue is fine, woman."

"Is is uhn uh oh hing hat aren suhos su vee daken iriuslee." He let go of her face. "This is one of those things that aren't supposed to be taken literally," she repeated.

"I see," Ulquiorra went back to the pantry. "Then what is the significance of the melon?"

"There's no significance."

"Then why say such a thing?"

"Because it's fun!" Orihime puffed out her cheeks. "You try it!" Of course, she got no answer, and he tried nothing. Crossing her arms over her chest, she decided to appeal to his competitive side. "What's the matter? Are you scared that you won't be able to do it?" The pantry door creaked as he pushed it forward so that she could see one of his eyes narrowed in her direction. "Is the great former Cuatro Espada afraid of making a fool of himself?"

Now the door closed completely, and Ulquiorra stood in front of the pantry – still without any food – his posture tense. "Say that again."

"You're a chicken."

"I have neither beak nor feathers," he corrected her, "and I meant the sentence, woman. You are trying my patience."

Orihime had a hand over her mouth to stifle her giggles. Ah, life with Ulquiorra was so much fun. "I'll start you off with an easier one: _bozu ga byobu ni jozu ni bozu no e wo kaita._"

"Why would the monk draw the picture on the folding screen?"

"Just repeat it!"

Ulquiorra opened the pantry door again, wishing she would stop distracting him. At this rate, neither of them would eat. "_Bozu ga byobu ni jozu ni bozu no we_…" He froze. That… that wasn't right. He pushed boxes of snacks aside, hunting for something breakfast worthy. "_Bozu ga byobu ni jozu ni bozu wo_…"

"Wrong!" Orihime cried, skipping towards the living room to get the television on. "I won't give you anymore until you say that one correctly."

Ulquiorra's grip on the pantry door tightened hard enough to leave welts on its surface. So she was getting haughty, was she? Fine then. Challenge accepted. He would make her regret having ever disgraced him.

…

"Tongue twisters?" Jinta and Ururu, sitting on the counter in Urahara's shop the next day and liberally eating from the candy supply that Ulquiorra was stocking – at least one of them plotting to blame him for it later – stared at him in confusion. "Yeah, we know 'em."

"How many are there?" Ulquiorra asked, taking a mental note of the amount of candies they were eating so that he could blame them for it later.

"Plenty," Jinta replied, turning his eyes skyward. "Like _atatakakunakatta_."

"What wasn't warm?"

"_Atattetatte_,"

"He said he guessed _what_?"

"Oh! And the one about the cat!" Jinta nudged Ururu, startling her. "You know that one, right? Say it!"

Ururu saw that Ulquiorra was staring at her expectantly and ducked her head, blushing furiously. She knew that if she didn't say anything, Jinta would only embarrass her in front of him, but tripping up on the tongue twister herself would be humiliating as well. What a world. "_Kono neko koko no neko no koneko kono koneko ne_."

Jinta smacked his hand against her back. "And _that's _how it's done!"

"That one was redundant," Ulquiorra muttered darkly, failing to notice Ururu's miserable look become even more so. He snatched the piece of candy that Jinta had just taken and threw it back in the box. "Is there some kind of trick to saying them correctly? Some deep hidden magic that makes them tricky – to you humans – to begin with?"

Jinta stared at him for a long moment. "Are you implying that you're having trouble saying them?"

"Are you implying that you wish for me to carve a new breathing hole into your throat?" Ulquiorra retorted.

"My, it sure is lively in here today!" Urahara commented as he wafted into the store, completely oblivious to the tense atmosphere and, for whatever reason, wielding two fans as opposed to one. "It's rare, seeing you all getting along so swimmingly. Must be all the warm spring weather we've been getting. Say, did you children know that love is in the air? Not that it applies to any of you. Jinta-kun and Ururu-chan are far too young and Ulquiorra-san…"

"Tongue twisters," the former Espada interrupted him. "Tell me what you know of them."

Urahara blinked, considering the man in front of him. He looked far too serious for this to be a joke, and as far as he knew, Ulquiorra didn't joke. Not on purpose, anyway. He snapped one fan closed and used it to scratch his stubbly chin. "Huh… is that when you tie a cherry stem into a knot with your tongue?"

Jinta snickered. Ururu brought her hands up to her face. And then Tessai appeared from the back room lugging two enormous boxes, the muscles in his arms bulging. "I believe that tongue twisters are word games played by human children."

"Ah, yes!" Kisuke snapped his finger. "Ururu and Jinta should be experts on those, huh?"

"Human… _children_," Ulquiorra repeated, feeling his irritation soar. "You mean to tell me that human _children _can recite these sentences without making mistakes?"

"Sure," Jinta shrugged and grabbed the candy while he was distracted, "they teach them to us in elementary school."

In the profound silence that followed, one could have heard photosynthesis occur.

…

A few hours later, Orihime sat at her desk, tapping her mechanical pencil against her paper in the hopes of straightening out a pointed edge that was making her handwriting thicker than usual. Eyes half-lidded, she found herself fighting to stay awake. The night before had been a long one; after working her shift at the bakery, she'd had a pile of homework to do, which meant less sleep in the end. If only there were some way that she could work fewer hours…

"Ah!" she screamed, quite literally, in the middle of her teacher's lecture, for she had just turned her head and saw Ulquiorra hovering in midair outside of her classroom window, hands in his pockets, glaring at her. He was gone now, of course, but the damage had already been done.

"Inoue-san," the instructor said in a tone oozing with irritation, "were you having a pleasant dream?"

Orihime pressed a hand to her chest. Curse her reputation of either dozing off or zoning out in class. "Y-Yes," she answered, her eyes roughly the size of soup cans. "I was, and I'm very sorry for it." Her teacher pointed out into the hall. "Right…" She stood up and walked past Ishida, who gave her a sympathetic smile. At least she could copy whatever notes she missed during her time-out from him.

Closing the classroom door behind her, she parked herself next to it, leaning back against the wall. There was a clock around here somewhere, one with which she could count off the standard ten minutes before she was allowed back inside. Scanning the hallway for it, she had to clasp a hand over her mouth to prevent a second outburst when she found Ulquiorra standing next to her. "I have figured out your childish riddle, woman," he announced flatly.

Orihime whipped her head in either direction, making sure that there was no one else in the hall. "How did you get in here?" she hissed. If anybody were to come out and see him there – _especially _without a uniform – there would be hell to pay. Rumors would fly about Orihime Inoue and her delinquent, tattooed boyfriend from High School X. She would never hear the end of it, couldn't imagine trying to fend off the copious amounts of questions that would be fired in her direction. And the teachers knew that she was on her own! What if they launched an investigation and found that she was living with him? There went her reputation! Kurosaki-kun would never -! Oh wait, he already knew.

Ulquiorra, hardly bothered by her frantic flailing, cast her a bored look. "The instructors were careless enough to leave the windows of an empty classroom open." He pointed in some vague direction.

Orihime bit her knuckles in panic. She couldn't push him into whatever classroom he'd come from. Someone would walk out and notice her absence for sure, and getting caught in an _empty room _with her delinquent, tattooed boyfriend from High School X would be far worse than being caught in the hallway. "And you came all the way here to tell me that?"

"I could not bear to let you go on thinking that you had won for another second."

She filled her cheeks with air, meeting his condescending glare with a challenging one of her own, then exhaled. "Fine. Let's hear it."

"_Bozu ga byobu ni jozu ni bozu no e wo kaita._"

Orihime clicked her tongue. "Not bad," she said with a nod. "Now then, how about the bamboo…"

"_Tonari no takegaki ni take tatekaketa_."

Her eyes narrowed. "The frog, then-!"

"_Kaeru pyoko pyoko mi pyoko pyoko awasete pyoko pyoko mu pyoko pyoko_."

"The peaches-!"

"_Sumomo mo momo, momo mo momo, momo nimo iroiro aru_."

Orihime's mouth fell open. His expression didn't change, but she could have sworn that he somehow looked twice as smug as before. "You're determined, aren't you?"

"I will not lose," Ulquiorra replied.

Her shoulders sagged. "Very well then, I'm afraid that you leave me no choice." Crossing her arms, she leaned back against the wall and went silent. He waited patiently for her thought train to finish, though if it was derailed, as it often was, he would be there for a while, and he was mentally aware of the fact that his break was almost over. "_English _tongue twisters," she said finally. Now it was _her _turn to smirk at him. "For example," then she switched to the best English accent she could muster, "_I thought, I thought of thinking of thanking you_."

Ulquiorra stared at her blankly.

"And, _if you're keen on stunning kites and cunning stunts, buy a cunning stunning stunt kite_." She lifted a finger. "Oh! And then there's, _how can a clan cram in a clean cream can_?" Grinning triumphantly, she daringly poked him in the chest. "Figure those out, and then come talk to me."

Ulquiorra grabbed her wrist, and for a moment it felt as if his green eyes would magically pierce through the back of her head. "I will not lose," he repeated slowly before releasing her and walking away. So it was English tongue twisters she wanted now? Fine. He would learn every single one and make _her _say them, and the humiliating punishment that he would put her through for getting them wrong would make her regret ever tempting him. But first, he had to go about accomplishing the task of saying them correctly.

To his dismay, when he returned to the convenience store and relayed the events to Urahara and his employees, Jinta howled with laughter. "_English_ tongue twisters? You're on your own, man."

Ururu lowered her head, blushing. "I-I'm afraid that I will be of no help, Cifer-san."

Tessai was silent, then shook his head once.

Urahara watched the annoyed Ulquiorra charge off in the direction of the storage warehouse. "Amazing. I never knew that Orihime-chan could be so spiteful."

**/TBC/**

**A/N: **A lot of research went into this chapter. If these things are hard for _us _to say, just imagine poor, Japanese Ulquiorra stuttering over "Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers." And now for rough translations!

_Tonari no kyaku wa yoku kaki kuu kyaku da_: My neighbor's guest is a guest that often eats persimmons. (Gin, much?)

_Uriuri ga uri urini kite uri urezu uri uri kaeru uriuri no koe_: A melon vendor came to sell melons, but no melon was sold; O, the voice of melon vendor who is back, selling melons.

_Bozu ga byobu ni jozu ni bozu no e wo kaita_: The Buddhist priest skillfully drew a picture of a Buddhist priest on a folding screen.

_Atatakakunakatta_: It wasn't warm.

_Atattetatte: _He said he guessed it.

_Kono neko koko no neko no koneko kono koneko ne_: This cat is the kitten of the cat here, this kitten.

_Tonari no takegaki ni take tatekaketa_: I leaned the bamboo along my neighbor's bamboo fence.

_Kaeru pyoko pyoko mi pyoko pyoko awasete pyoko pyoko mu pyoko pyoko_: The frog goes hippy-hop, hippy-hop three all together and hippy-hop hippy-hop six hippy-hop hippy-hop.

_Sumomo mo momo, momo mo momo, momo nimo iroiro aru_: Plums are a kind of peach; peaches are also a kind of peach; there are many different kinds of peaches.

And that's it!


	18. Popular with the Ladies

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Bleach or any other copyrighted material.

**Tell Yourself**

**By: Princess Kitty1**

**Popular with the Ladies**

It was a slow day at the Urahara convenience store. Ulquiorra had finished all of his work relatively early, but was still forbidden from handling customers, so he spent the better part of his time accomplishing tasks randomly assigned to him by Urahara and observing the others' interactions with the people who came in for candy and groceries.

It didn't look _that _hard, he thought as he sat behind the counter, watching Ururu bag things for a plump older woman. Why wasn't he allowed to talk to customers? Oh, right. The incident with the kogal came to mind.

Ururu glanced at him over her shoulder, then quickly faced forward. Oh God, he was staring right at her! With those piercing eyes, no less! She felt her hands shake as she handed the woman her groceries. "H-Have a nice day," she whispered, bowing politely. Then she looked back again. He was _still staring_! She unconsciously tucked a strand of hair behind her ear.

Meanwhile, Ulquiorra had gotten lost in his thoughts and wasn't focused on anything in particular. He was beginning to fear that the woman's custom of spacing out was rubbing off on him. How annoying. Human bodies were quick to pick up on the habits of those around them, he'd noticed. But it was a mutual thing: whereas he had started losing track of his mind more often, she had begun folding her clothes before putting them in the dirty laundry like he did, as opposed to throwing them carelessly aside.

And for whatever reason, this made him feel good.

"Cifer-san?"

The girl was addressing him. "Yes?"

"N-Nothing…"

The bell above the door chimed, announcing the entrance of another customer. Ururu snapped to attention and sent the person a greeting. Ulquiorra looked, too. Ah, it was the shinigami's little sister; the blond one… what was her name?

"Good afternoon, Yuzu-chan," Ururu said as the girl approached the register, loud enough for Jinta to hear from wherever he was in the store.

Ulquiorra saw the boy's head poke around the corner of an aisle where he had been arranging merchandise. It would appear that there was some kind of attraction there, but Ulquiorra hadn't really figured it out yet. The last time she'd come to the store, she'd left with a basketful of things that had been given to her free of charge, amidst lots of yelling from the obviously flustered boy.

"Hello Ururu-chan! You're working the register this… time…?" Yuzu trailed off as her eyes landed on Ulquiorra, sitting in the corner with a bored expression – or was it an annoyed one? Happy, even? She could never tell. Her cheeks burst into color. "C-C-Cifer-san!"

Ulquiorra, having been pondering the extent and implications of Jinta's attraction, came out of his thoughts again. He stood from his chair. "You are the shinigami's sister."

"Yes!" she squeaked, eyes widening, "I mean, uh, wait… yes. I'm Yuzu Kurosaki."

"Kurosaki Yuzu-san," Ulquiorra repeated, committing it to memory.

The girl's face went redder. "Yes."

Ururu stared at her.

Ulquiorra figured that now would be the perfect time to prove his competence. After all, this girl wasn't a _complete _stranger. "Is there anything that I can get for you?"

This simple sentence catapulted the girl into a fit of stammering and finger-poking. "Well, you see, I came here because… err, Urahara-san, h-he called Rukia-nee the other day and told her that he'd gotten some Chappy the Bunny pocky… from Soul Society, a-and she and Ichi-nii are still at school, s-so I thought I would do her a favor and c-come pick it up…"

"Very well," Ulquiorra said, having listened to the story if only because he'd been told that it was rude to walk away from someone in midsentence. He disappeared into the back of the store, leaving Ururu and Yuzu alone at the counter with Jinta watching them, distractedly putting things on the wrong shelf.

The clouds had darkened over Ururu's face. "Yuzu-chan," she said to the blond girl who shuffled from foot to foot in front of her, "do you like Cifer-san?"

Jinta dropped a bag of rice. He ducked back into hiding, picking it up quickly before Yuzu could come over to investigate. There was no way that his Goddess had a crush on that half-Hollow bastard! He waited a few seconds until the girls had undoubtedly forgotten about the sound and resumed his observation.

Yuzu had one of her pigtails in hand, curling one end around her finger. "I don't know," she muttered. "He's handsome, and smart… a-and he takes care of Inoue-san, and I heard that he was really strong."

Ururu's mouth twisted downwards. "But he's a Hollow."

"He was, but not anymore, really," Yuzu made a circular gesture on her own chest. "He's got a heart now."

Ururu let out a 'humph' and turned her back on the girl, pretending to busy herself with the merchandise behind the counter. "Do you even _have _enough reiatsu to see Hollows?" She plowed on before the girl could reply. "Could you hold your own in a fight? Inoue-san can. I'm pretty sure that Cifer-san wouldn't bother with someone who couldn't even protect themselves from enemy spirits."

Yuzu's brows came together. "Ururu-chan, do _you _have a crush on Cifer-san?"

Ururu dropped a package of candy onto the floor, but neither looked at Yuzu nor bent over to pick it up. "Even if I _did_, it's obvious which one of us he would pick," she declared almost haughtily. "My power's on par with that of a shinigami captain. What can _you_ do, huh? Cook? Clean? Sew?"

"I'm prettier than you!" Yuzu declared, pulling her hair out of its pigtails and shaking the locks until they framed her and fell down her shoulders. In his hiding place, Jinta nearly suffered a nosebleed. "So don't go talking down on me, you… you… _hag_!"

Ururu's head whipped around in her direction, her reiatsu flaring, a crazed look in her eyes. "_What did you just call me_?"

Yuzu slammed her palms on the counter and leaned over, glaring at Ururu in a style quite reminiscent of her older brother. "I called you a _hag_. You deaf or something?"

Jinta couldn't believe his luck. A girl fight! There was about to be a girl fight, right in front of him! He probably should have done something to stop it – taken sides with Yuzu so that she'd send an admiring glance his way – but his simple mind was locked on the fact that either female might swing a fist at any given second.

And then Ulquiorra reappeared from the back of the store, carrying several boxes of Chappy the Bunny pocky. Ururu and Yuzu dropped their hostility as if the heat of it had been too much for them to handle and quickly went back to their respective tasks: Ururu fussed with the merchandise on the shelf, Yuzu stared at her shoes, unconsciously pulling her hair back into its pigtailed state. Ulquiorra handed her the candy. "It's been charged to the shinigami woman's account."

"Thanks," Yuzu took the pocky and smiled at him shyly. Then she left the store the same way that she'd come, with Jinta eyeing her through the aisles until she was through the door and out of sight.

Ulquiorra resumed his post at the chair behind the counter, grabbing the device clipped to his belt loop to make sure that Napoleon the mouse-dragon wasn't starving to death while he dealt with trivial things. He vaguely wondered what had gotten the usually calm middle school girl riled up enough to unleash so much reiatsu, but soon decided that he didn't care enough to ask.

And for whatever reason, Jinta stayed clear of Ulquiorra for the rest of the day, sending him very malicious looks whenever he thought that he wasn't paying attention.

**/TBC/**

**A/N: **The job at the candy store intensifies! Oh, Ulquiorra. So handsome and you don't even realize it.

Yuzu's got the Kurosaki flare after all! I think it would be adorable if she ever got into a situation like this and started acting like Ichigo, pulling the same faces he'd make whenever he dealt with a thug.


	19. Peanut Gallery

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Bleach or any other copyrighted material!

**Tell Yourself**

**By: Princess Kitty1**

**Peanut Gallery**

With the weather growing warmer by the day, it was becoming increasingly popular among high school students to enjoy their home-brought lunches outside, basking in the sun. And it was on the roof of their high school, all sitting in a circle, that Ichigo, Rukia, Uryuu, Chad, Tatsuki, Chizuru, Keigo, and Mizuiro were eating their meals in relative peace – Keigo had been complaining about their exam scores again. This post-war tranquility was appreciated by all, even the ones who hadn't been directly involved.

But this afternoon, it was Rukia Kuchiki who seemed determined to destroy that peace. "Hey," she said suddenly, looking around the circle with a touch of a frown, "have you guys noticed… I mean, do you guys think that… Ulquiorra might have a thing for Inoue-san?"

Chizuru spit out her juice. Tatsuki offered her a napkin.

"You mean, like a _romantic _thing?" Mizuiro asked, having been filled in about the Arrancar and the war shortly after it had happened.

"Oi," Ichigo leaned closer to Rukia, a confused expression on his face, "what are you talking about?"

"He can't!" Chizuru cried angrily, slamming her fist down on the concrete.

Keigo shivered. "That creepy guy that lives with her? I don't know, Rukia-chan, he doesn't seem like the type."

"Hmm," said Chad, taking in another mouthful of food.

"I know he doesn't seem like the type, but think about it for a second." She focused her attention on Ichigo, Ishida and Chad. "Don't you remember what Urahara said? The day that Inoue-san brought him into the candy shop for the first time, he wouldn't stop asking where she was after she'd left. He pretty much refused to talk to anyone else."

Ichigo scratched his head. "But why would Ulquiorra have a thing for Inoue-san?"

"He _doesn't_!" Chizuru flailed her arms.

Tatsuki sat back on her palms. "Well, she _did _mention that he was the one taking care of her in that Las Noches place."

"He _was_?" Chizuru's voice went up two octaves.

Ishida stared up at the sky thoughtfully. "Kurosaki was out of commission, so he didn't really notice how hard Ulquiorra seemed to be fighting. Oh," he looked at Rukia, "and he never turned on her with violent intent, like he did to me." His hand flexed unconsciously, fingers wiggling to confirm their presence.

Rukia nodded, counting off the evidence. "He took care of her in Las Noches, he never hurt her, he's fixated on her, and from what I hear he's pretty attuned to her needs."

Keigo's face went red. "What _kind _of needs?"

"He buys groceries and stuff," Tatsuki muttered around her chopsticks, shooting down his fantasies.

Mizuiro put his empty bento down. "And let's not forget that Inoue-san seems to be, you know, _glowing _lately."

"There is no glowing!" Chizuru screeched, covering her ears.

"What the hell does glowing have to do with anything?" Ichigo asked.

Ishida, Tatsuki and Mizuiro shook their heads sadly.

"Dude, seriously? Women are said to glow when they're in love," Keigo filled in for him.

"Hmm," said Chad.

"I mean, haven't you noticed Rukia-chan glowing?"

"We're not talking about us!" Ichigo and Rukia cried, their faces burning.

"But," Tatsuki held up her hand, "Orihime doesn't have feelings for him. I mean, she might, and perhaps just hasn't noticed them yet – in typical Orihime fashion – but she hasn't told me anything about it."

The others leaned in closer to her – except for Ichigo, who was still flustered and confused. "What _has _she told you about him?" Rukia asked.

Chizuru chewed anxiously on her handkerchief.

Tatsuki ate casually, lifting her chin and assuming a sage-like air. "Well, she says that he hates pickles. Like, last weekend she took him to McDonalds and he sat there and glared at the burger because it had pickles on it. She had to pick them out for him because he didn't even want to touch them."

"He eats McDonalds?" Keigo's eyes widened in surprise.

"Sure, he's human enough. What, did you think that he preys on small children or something?"

"Maybe…"

Mizuiro whispered to him, "Yeah, and Inoue-san helps him by luring them in with sweets from the bakery." He grinned as the blood drained from Keigo's face.

Tatsuki ignored them and continued. "She also says that he has quite an imagination, which might be thanks to all the books that he reads. Umm… his socks keep disappearing, apparently. She thinks it's a conspiracy; little elves living in the washing machine or something, and asked him to buy mousetraps, which she then rigged with cookies."

"Did they catch anything?"

"Ulquiorra's foot." The others cringed. "He didn't take it very well; covered the entire apartment floor with mousetraps while she was at work, leaving only enough space between them for tip-toeing."

"_What_?" Ichigo, Ishida and Chizuru barked.

Mizuiro chuckled. "Not the nicest guy in the world, is he?"

"Orihime said she thought it was funny, even though she ignored him for the rest of the day." Tatsuki shrugged, popping in another mouthful of rice.

"That's it?"

"Pretty much."

Rukia crossed her legs and withdrew a stick of Chappy the Bunny pocky from its box. "If that's the case, then I feel a little bad for him." She paused in her chewing, an idea surfacing in her mind. "You think that maybe they just need a little push or something?"

"The guy filled her house with mousetraps! How can you still say that he likes her?" Ichigo demanded.

Everyone stared at him blankly, then turned back to their food. "Clueless."

"Imbecile."

"So slow, Kurosaki."

"Hmm."

"You too, Chad?"

"Honestly, Rukia-chan, how did you ever get a confession out of that guy?"

"I wonder about that myself sometimes."

**/TBC/**


	20. Love Story IV

**A/N: **Wow guys, over 500 reviews on this fic already! I can't believe it. :D Thank you so much for all the comments, the favorites, the alerts, etc. I love being able to make y'all laugh and smile (and cry, on the occasion).

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Bleach or any other copyrighted material!

**Tell Yourself**

**By: Princess Kitty**

**Love Story IV**

"Psst!"

Ulquiorra jumped, having just withdrawn a book from the shelf, only to find Kumiko the librarian staring at him from the other side. He had not come to the library seeking enlightenment that day. In fact, he'd been rather determined to avoid Kumiko, Rina and Yuri. There was no time for love stories; he was on a mission. The woman needed a math book to help her study for her upcoming exams.

"Cifer-san," she went on in a conspiratorial whisper before he could walk away, "I've found the perfect love story for you." Then she promptly stuck her arm through the gap, a novel in hand, and wiggled it enthusiastically until he plucked it out of her palm. The title read _Carmen_.

Ulquiorra looked up to ask if this one would also end unfavorably, but Kumiko had already scurried back to her post. Still wary, he placed the math textbook on the shelf and cracked open the novella, flipping through yellowed pages. He couldn't find a love story at first; just a traveler encountering and befriending a robber…

Oh, now there was a woman in the story. She seemed to be of the same occupation as the street psychic that Ulquiorra had encountered in the past, telling the traveler his fortune. He half-hoped that the traveler would call her out for her bogus magic, but he was, disappointingly enough, swayed by her so-called gift. And then the robber reappeared. Ah, so the woman was his wife, and they stole the traveler's watch.

Ulquiorra made a mental note to never trust anyone who claimed to have psychic powers.

Months passed within the story, and the traveler discovered that the robber was facing execution. So he ventured to the prison to hear the man's story. Ulquiorra vaguely wondered how the psychic thief woman was taking the news of her husband's imprisonment, so he pressed on, figuring he would find out later.

The thief, named Don José was originally from Spanish nobility, apparently, and joined a group of soldiers in Seville after killing a man. There he met the gypsy woman Carmen while keeping guard of a cigar factory where she worked, and was teased by her for being the only man to ignore her charms. But the woman, Ulquiorra was interested to discover, had a bit of a violent streak. She was arrested for cutting up the face of one of her coworkers during an altercation. However, she managed to deceive Don José into letting her go, and the idiot was arrested and demoted for it.

Ulquiorra didn't get how the soldier could fall so hard for a crooked woman. She wasn't very trustworthy, nor did she seem all that committed to him. Oh, now he was killing people in fits of jealousy.

His mind very briefly flashed back to Hueco Mundo. Jealousy? No, he'd done that for the sake of protecting Las Noches, right?

He pushed it out of his thoughts.

Whoa, wait a minute. The gypsy woman was _married_? Didn't humans regard marriage as a sacred institution? Wasn't it bad for her to be frolicking with Don José when she had a man that she was already – never mind, Don José killed him. And now _he _was the one married to Carmen.

Huh. Nothing wrong with being a little forward, Ulquiorra supposed…

His frown deepened as he continued to read. The gypsy woman was claiming that she loved Don José less, and formed an attraction to a bullfighter named Lucas. And then Don José begged her to come back to him and forget all the other men; they'd start anew in America. That didn't sound too bad. But now she was saying that she hated herself for falling in love with him, and so he…

Ulquiorra felt the muscle in his jaw twitch. He very calmly closed the novella and replaced the math book with it on the shelf. Then he began walking towards the trio of librarians, who were carrying on a very animated conversation in whispers.

Stabbed her to death, eh? That wasn't anywhere _near_ as bad as what he was about to do to _these _women.

His reiatsu spiked. The negative energy gathered in his palm, surged towards his finger. He almost smirked as he pointed in their direction –

"_Wait_!"

And then he was on the floor, the textbook flying out of his hands and landing in front of the help desk. Kumiko, Rina and Yuri peered over the edge of it, eyes wide. "Err… good afternoon, Ishida-san!"

Uryuu Ishida, growing paler with the realization that he had just tackled Ulquiorra Cifer to the ground, scrambled off of the slightly shorter and doubtlessly irritated male. He gave the librarians a nervous smile. "Good afternoon," he replied with a short bow. Only now Ulquiorra was glaring at him over his shoulder with a ferocity that could have rivaled that of the look he'd given him before severing his hand.

Sensing tension, Rina cleared her throat loudly. "Ishida-san, shouldn't you be in school?"

"Ah, I should, but my father and I were out of town attending a funeral and just got back this morning." Ishida pointed behind him, to a number of books that had been dropped in his haste to stop Ulquiorra from killing the librarians. "I came to pick up some study material for finals."

"You tackled Cifer-san," Yuri noted, and the other two glared at her for the woman's inability to read the atmosphere.

"We're friends! That's how we always greet each other!" Ishida awkwardly clapped the livid Ulquiorra on the arm. "You fell very gracefully!"

Ulquiorra's gaze slowly turned to the hand that was touching him. Obviously the Quincy did not value it too much, this being the second time that he was putting it in danger of being sliced off. Ishida immediately withdrew it and got to his feet, dusting off the seat of his pants. "So, uh, _Cifer-san_… what are you doing here?"

Ulquiorra realized that the Quincy was making an effort for some damage control, for _his _sake especially, but that didn't lessen the desire to kill him. However, soon that longing would be shifted onto a new target, because before he could open his mouth to reply, Yuri spoke for him. "Cifer-san has been coming here for quite a while! He asked us for some love stories to read."

Ishida's face went completely blank. Ulquiorra's entire body stiffened. The ensuing silence was so intense that one would have expected a tumbleweed to blow across the library. Then Ishida looked down at Ulquiorra, who was no longer glaring at him. In fact, he'd turned his head away entirely, and it was then that Ishida remembered something that Inoue had told them a few months earlier:

_Ulquiorra never lies_.

"Really?" he finally responded, deciding to test that statement and watching the back of the former Espada's head for a reaction. "And which books have you given him?"

The trio turned thoughtful eyes to the ceiling. "Oh, let's see… _Romeo and Juliet_ was the first one."

"Then we gave him the history of Antony and Cleopatra,"

"And then _Wuthering Heights_,"

"_I _suggested that we give him a break with poetry, like _Annabel Lee_, but these two didn't listen to me."

"So I gave him _Carmen _today."

Ishida's mouth fell open. Crap. It was worse than he thought. "You _do _realize that the lovers in all of those books die, don't you?"

More silence. The librarians looked at Ishida, looked at each other, looked at Ulquiorra – who had yet to pick himself up and was staring very intently at the floor – and then back at Ishida. "Huh. They do, don't they?"

Ishida brought a hand up to his face. No wonder Ulquiorra had been on the verge of blowing them to smithereens. He knew Kumiko, Yuri and Rina fairly well, and they were rather airheaded. But a guy like Ulquiorra would probably suspect them of trying to insult him. Shaking his head, he retrieved his pile of books from the floor, then walked over and picked up the one that Ulquiorra had dropped. A study guide, for someone who didn't even attend school?

It appeared that there was truth to Rukia's suspicions after all.

With the librarians bickering over their story selections, Ishida approached the frozen male seated on the ground and held the textbook out to him. No move was made to retrieve it. He sighed. "Look, if you're… I don't know, _curious_… I might have something better suited to your situation."

"I do not need your help."

"You were about to kill three innocent women."

"This world would do better without their stupidity."

"I'm not doing this because I want to, you know. You're not the only one who…" Ishida trailed off, bit his tongue, and held the math book out further. "If it's for the safety of Karakura Town and its citizens, then I have to intervene. You may be less of a threat than you once were, but Soul Society still doesn't trust you. Do something stupid and they'll have you killed, no questions asked. And how do you think that'll make Inoue feel?"

Ulquiorra remembered the look on her face when she'd extended her hand towards him, when she'd been unable to do as little as touch his fingers. It had been so pained that, in the end, he'd had to turn his gaze away from her. The last that he'd felt before death was the horrible sense that he'd hurt her again.

He stood from the floor. The glare that he directed at Ishida was nowhere near as violent as the previous ones, and he accepted the textbook with an annoyed grimace. Ishida forced a smile to his face, but it ended up looking like he was getting a tooth pulled. "You are sure that you have something _better _than the stories those bookkeepers gave me?"

"Nobody dies at the end."

Ulquiorra tried not to appear interested. "I will… examine it, then."

…

"There is a hollow in my house," Ryuuken Ishida declared from the living room the moment that his son entered with a former Espada in tow, borderline numb with shock.

"Yes, Ryuuken, there is a hollow in the house," Uryuu echoed dryly as he directed his guest past his father, not too happy about it himself.

Ulquiorra glared at Ryuuken. The man's eyes narrowed challengingly. "Do not think that I didn't sense your outburst earlier."

Just for the hell of it, Ulquiorra let his reiatsu flare again. "Knock it off," Uryuu yelled. "Ryuuken, don't you have a hospital to check on?"

"Don't you have an ounce of Quincy pride left in your body?"

The harsh comment went ignored. Uryuu led Ulquiorra up a flight of stairs and down a short hallway, grumbling under his breath as he grabbed the knob of a nearby door and pushed it open marginally. "Wait here," he instructed, then slipped inside. But Ulquiorra had yet to stop feeling antagonistic, and so, with hands in his pockets and textbook tucked under his arm, he lifted his leg and kicked the door open.

Ishida dropped the stack of books he'd checked out in surprise. "I said to wait out there!"

"And I never agreed to do so," Ulquiorra shot back, examining the room. It was definitely not what he'd been expecting. Here he had thought the Quincy would have covered the place in weapons and paraphernalia relating to his hollow-slaying trade. Instead, there were sewing kits, fabric and designs in several places… not unlike the woman's bedroom.

Ishida pushed the books aside with his foot and moved to a shelf above his desk, lined with CDs and movies. He scanned the titles momentarily, then picked out a case and went back to the doorway where Ulquiorra stood. "Here," he held it out to him.

Ulquiorra inspected the cover. "This is a cartoon," he said flatly.

"I'm aware of that," Ishida grumbled in response. "It's short, only thirteen episodes."

A pause. "And nobody dies at the end."

"Nobody dies," he promised.

…

Orihime burst into the apartment that afternoon as if she'd been fired through a cannon, was thrown off balance by her own momentum and the weight of her school bag, and fell flat on her face. She picked herself up immediately, kicking off her shoes and stumbling in the direction of the hall. "Ulquiorra!" she yelled, tripping over herself again and crashing into his bedroom door. It swung into the wall, having already been partially open, then hit her arm as it came back on its hinge.

Ulquiorra, sitting on the floor with a book in hand, glanced at her, only mildly concerned. "Welcome home."

Orihime scrambled forward, half dragging herself towards him. "I came back as fast as I could! Is everything okay?" she panted, chest heaving. "Did you and Ishida-kun have a fight?"

Ulquiorra slipped a bookmark into the novel and set it aside. "No. We were merely greeting each other."

Her brow furrowed. "But you felt angry."

"I am alright, woman," Ulquiorra reassured her. Then they stared at each other for a moment as Orihime collected herself, sitting up on her legs.

"Then I'm sorry for my rude entry!" she cried, bowing her head until it touched the floor.

"It is your apartment. You may enter as rudely as you like." Though he did wish that she would drop the habit of being noisy. "Your job, woman. Don't you have to work at the bakery today?"

Orihime lifted her head, still panting, and laughed sheepishly. "Oh, err… I called in sick."

"Are you feeling ill?"

"No! I, uh," she glanced at him, "I was worried about you."

Ulquiorra watched her fidget as she tried to get her school uniform and hair back in order, letting her words sink in and do weird things to his stomach. Had Orihime been paying attention, she might have noticed his green eyes soften. "I am fine," he replied, deciding that the Quincy had been right to tackle him.

For her sake, he would watch his temper from then on.

**/TBC/**


	21. The Price of Beauty

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Bleach or any other copyrighted material!

**Tell Yourself**

**By: Princess Kitty1**

**The Price of Beauty**

Orihime's hair was the envy of classmates and underclassmen alike. With every step she took, with every toss of her head, the auburn locks rippled and gave off a dramatic sheen. One would have thought that the sheer length of it would prevent such meticulous maintenance, but she never seemed to have a hair out of place. It framed her unfairly cute face, adding to her already stunning beauty. Girls fantasized of having hair like hers. Guys fantasized of burying their noses in it, because surely such a wonderful head of hair smelled delicious and feminine.

Ulquiorra did not think much of Orihime's hair, perhaps because he got a front row seat to the war that she had with it every morning. He would hover nearby and watch her wrestle with the curling iron to get the ends just right, then battle the flat iron to get the front part right, then yell at the machines when she burned herself. It seemed like far too much trouble.

So it happened that one evening they were watching television together, and she was scrutinizing the ends of her hair with a frown. "Looks like it's time for a trim," she announced, and turned her gaze to Ulquiorra. "You could use one too, you know. Your hair is getting pretty long."

Was it? Ulquiorra hadn't noticed. But it was true that it was arriving nearly at his shoulders, well on its way to becoming segunda etapa length.

Orihime beamed. "Don't worry! I'll schedule an appointment for this weekend."

"Appointment?"

And that was how Ulquiorra ended up in Murasaki Hair Salon, his expression a mixture of anger and extreme reluctance. Fear? No, he wasn't afraid. He just didn't know what to expect. The place was full of elevated chairs, mirrors, and the same contraptions that the woman used to treat her own hair. It was also full of _women_; not a man in sight.

"Orihime-chan!"

"Eri-chan!" She ran and embraced an older woman with black hair cropped short and highlighted blond, dressed in a black apron with what looked like a pair of scissors and a comb sticking out of the pocket.

"How are you, girl? I feel like I haven't seen you in ages! But," the older woman took a strand of Orihime's hair in her hand, "looks like you've been taking good care of this mane. And this shine! Is it the silk I gave you last time?"

"You know it!" Orihime tossed her hair around to capture the light from several angles. "Makes it nice and strong, too!"

"Good, good!" Then Eri noticed Ulquiorra standing near the reception desk with hands pocketed, a dark and malevolent presence in the otherwise cheerful hair salon. A chill ran down her spine; she half expected the flowers in the pot beside him to wilt, he gave off such a menacing aura. "Err… Orihime-chan, do you know that guy?"

"Huh? Oh, yeah! This is Ulquiorra," Orihime motioned for him to come forward, but he didn't budge. "He's shy."

Eri leaned closer to her. "Is that his first name that you're calling him by?" When Orihime nodded, she gasped. "A boy that you're on such familiar terms with… can it be?" Her eyes widened. "Is he your _boyfriend_, Orihime-chan?"

Orihime smiled, pleasantly confused. "Boyfriend? No! Ulquiorra and I are close, but we aren't dating."

"Then why is he here? Most guys wouldn't step foot into a hair salon unless they were dating or married to their companion, or…" Eri covered her mouth with her hands. "He's gay, isn't he?"

"He isn't!" Orihime squeaked, shaking her head furiously. "I scheduled him an appointment because his hair was getting long, and I figured that since I was coming in, I might as well knock out two bowling pins with one ball!"

"Your word choice is as strange as ever, Orihime-chan."

Ulquiorra stood his ground with a sour expression, too far to hear most of the conversation and wondering why the woman had become so flustered. The place smelled bad – like burnt hair, chemicals and fruity things – and was quickly giving him a headache. A group of middle school-aged girls sat gawking at him in the waiting area. The receptionist didn't seem too keen on making eye contact. And then… "Ulquiorra, come this way!" Orihime had returned, grabbed him by the arm, and began dragging him towards the forest of chairs and mirrors. He followed reluctantly.

"Who'd you schedule him with?" Eri was asking.

"Mitsuko-san, I think," Orihime answered, keeping her hand clamped on Ulquiorra's wrist to prevent him from running away. She'd come here once with Rangiku and Yumichaka; Ikkaku had peeled out of there the moment he'd realized what the place was, and she was afraid that Ulquiorra might do the same, judging by the disgruntled look on his face.

"Good choice. Here she comes now!"

Approaching them was a woman with thick, bleached blond hair, a very full set of lips and practically nonexistent eyebrows, wearing a heavy amount of makeup and far too much perfume to mask the smell of cigarettes clinging to her clothes. Her low-cut top gave the salon a perfect view of her cleavage. Ulquiorra noticed that her nails – fake, and decorated with little stars – were almost as long as his claws. "Orihime-chan, it's been _ages_," she spoke in a husky voice, putting both hands on her wide hips. "We were beginning to think that you'd gone off with another salon."

"Never, Mitsuko-san! You're the best in town," Orihime answered, tightening her grip on Ulquiorra's arm when she felt him tense.

Mitsuko gave him a once-over. "Is this your boyfriend?"

"No, we're just friends."

"Woman, I am not your friend."

Eri and Mitsuko looked at each and rolled their eyes. "Tsundere," they declared before Eri pushed Orihime in the direction of the salon chairs and Mitsuko had Ulquiorra follow her further into the back. He went along sulkily, mostly because he hated strange humans, partially because this woman stank, and marginally because he felt like he had been insulted but didn't know the meaning of the word that they had called him.

"This your first time at a hair salon?" Mitsuko asked with a coy smirk, to which she received no reply. An _uptight_ tsundere. Or maybe a kuudere? Oh, she was going to have fun with this guy. She stood to the side of a low chair and hit the back of it once. "Sit."

Ulquiorra narrowed his eyes at her, not keen on taking orders. Mitsuko arched an eyebrow. "Do I need to get Orihime-chan back here?" she asked, playing off of his assumed nature. "You don't want to disappoint her by being difficult, right?"

On such occasions, Ulquiorra really wished that he could bring Murcielago along. This woman wouldn't be anywhere near as cocky if she had a sword at her throat. But he had no choice; he sat in the chair wordlessly. It shouldn't take too long, right? Though he wondered why he had been taken back here when the woman was –

"Shampoo time!" Mitsuko declared, pushing down on his shoulders without warning. The way his eyes shot open in alarm made her devilish smile grow. "Relax, hon," she said as she grabbed the hose and tested the water temperature against her palm. "You won't die, I promise. Those are some interesting tattoos, by the way. Extreme new trend or something? God, I'm so behind."

Before Ulquiorra had realized it, he was gripping the armchairs as if they were his tethers to sanity.

Mitsuko hummed cheerfully as she went on with her work. Such a shame that he wasn't the talkative-when-nervous type. Where had Orihime found this guy, anyway? He was too old to be in high school – a college guy, maybe. And he was kind of handsome. Disappointingly short, but his eyes were a nice green color, and he looked like he had some muscle on him. One would have thought he'd never seen a hair salon by the way he was acting, though.

Now that the novelty was wearing off, Ulquiorra found himself twice as irritated as before. He was in an uncomfortable position, the salon lady's chest was practically in his face, his throat was completely exposed, and his head was wet. Furthermore, he'd been separated from the woman. If a hollow came crashing through the wall right that moment, it could easily dispose of him, then go after her. He needed to find a way out of this chair.

But suddenly the water cut off, easing his tension somewhat. Good, that meant that she was done, right? He tried to sit up, but Mitsuko pushed him back down. "Not yet," she scolded him, taking a nearby shampoo bottle and squirting a liberal amount onto her palm. "Don't worry, I picked out something that wasn't too girly."

Ulquiorra didn't have time to wonder what the smell was before there were hands and nails in his hair, massaging and scratching and pulling. _No_, he thought, feeling his grip on the armchair loosen, his eyelids growing heavy. _Damn it_…

Meanwhile, Orihime sat perfectly content in her chair, watching Eri snip the loose ends from her auburn locks. "I'm surprised you didn't go for the shampoo treatment today," the woman said, pulling a section towards her and snipping carefully.

"Eh, my budget's a little tighter these days," Orihime tried not to talk about her financial worries; it wouldn't make them go away. "I'm fine, though!"

Eri smiled good-naturedly and changed the subject. "So… that boy that you've been crushing on since God knows when. Kurosaki-kun, was it?"

"Yeah? What about him?"

She paused in her snipping. "I don't know. You tell me," she frowned, "because usually you're talking about him nonstop, but you haven't brought him up once so far. Didn't you mention last time that he got a girlfriend?"

"Mmhmm," Orihime stared at her flats, clicking her feet together. "He and Kuchiki-san are doing well. They fight a lot, but you can tell that they're happy!"

"You're taking it surprisingly well. Then again, I suppose I haven't seen you in a while, and you _have_ gotten older." Eri checked to make sure that she'd cut in a straight line. "It's very mature of you, Orihime-chan."

"Haha, you think so?" she replied, not taking her eyes off of her shoes. How strange… she really _hadn't_ brought up Kurosaki-kun. She hadn't even thought about it, about him. What was her mind focused on, then? Financial matters, the exams coming up that week, and Ulquiorra somewhere in the back of the salon, suspiciously quiet.

"_Mitsu-tan!_"

Orihime's eyes widened in horror. She met Eri's gaze in the mirror. "Oh no. Katsuya-san is working today?" she asked as a tall, redheaded male wafted past them, practically skipping, headed for the back of the salon.

It definitely would not be quiet for much longer.

Two rows away, Mitsuko was grinning at the sight before her: the dark-haired male was barely lucid, looking oddly vexed as he struggled to keep his eyes open, and only managed to squint at the ceiling every five seconds. "Sleepy? How cute. We're almost done." She glanced up at the approaching redhead. "Katsu-chan, there you are. Wanna help me out with this guy? Male cuts are more your specialty anyway."

Katsuya, who regularly plucked his eyebrows and wore a touch of eyeliner to "make his eyes smolder," tilted his head to better scrutinize the figure in the chair. Handsome, nice body, impeccably dressed, and deliciously vulnerable. A grin spread across his face. "What's he in for?"

"Orihime-chan brought him along. Claims that he isn't her boyfriend, but you know how kids are. He's got a bit of a tsundere streak in him." Mitsuko clapped Katsuya's back with a wet hand. "Just the way you like them!"

"If that's the case, then it would be a sin to pass this up. Quick, give him a towel already… ah! There's our adorable client now. Yoo-hoo, Orihime-chan!" Katsuya waved cheerfully as the panicked teenager rounded the corner, the left side of her hair an inch shorter than the right. "You don't mind if I take over for Mitsu-tan, do you?"

"Uh, I don't think that's a good idea!"

"Eh? Why not?"

Ulquiorra, free of the cool water and sitting upright, stared ahead blearily and struggled to reorient himself. Why so much commotion? And what was that awful sound emanating from the man standing with a hand on his jutting hip? His _voice_?

"It's just that - !" Orihime tried, but to no avail. Katsuya had noticed that Mitsuko was finished with Ulquiorra, and happily yanked him to his feet before he could completely snap out of his drowsiness.

"This way!" he cried, skipping off in the direction of his chair with his prisoner.

By this time, Eri had caught up to Orihime. She grabbed the terrified girl by the shoulders and steered her back in the direction of her work station. "It's too late for us to intervene, Hime-chan."

"He's never going to forgive me!" Orihime replied in a squeaky whisper, unable to imagine even a fraction of the wrath that Ulquiorra would unleash upon unsuspecting Karakura Town – no, on Japan in its entirety. By the time he was through with them, they'd regret having sent Godzilla away.

A row ahead, Ulquiorra wasn't even sure what was happening. One moment he'd been sitting defenseless in the blond woman's long-nailed clutches, the next he was being pushed into another chair by a fragrant man, and a strange sheet was being thrown over his body and fastened around his neck. No, this wasn't good. They were taking aim at his throat, weren't they?

Katsuya held Ulquiorra in place with one hand and grabbed his comb with the other. "You sure do squirm a lot. So how did you and Orihime-chan meet, anyway? It's weird that she disappears and comes back with a boyfriend after spending, oh, I don't know, a year or two fawning over what's-his-name. Ah, that got you to hold still! Does it piss you off or something?"

Ulquiorra glared at his reflection. Even these insignificant people knew about the woman's attraction to the shinigami?

"Hey, don't worry about it. If she's with you, then she's obviously over the guy. Want my opinion? You're much more – my God! Your _hair_! Mitsu-tan, did you _feel _these luscious locks? Untouched by heat and chemicals and oh, so delightful!"

Ulquiorra sensed the reiatsu boiling beneath his skin. He was supposed to keep a check on his anger, supposed to stop himself from killing dimwitted humans so that the woman would not be troubled. But if this man molested his head _one more time_…

"Done!" Katsuya announced cheerfully. Had Ulquiorra noticed the hair dresser coming at him with a pair of scissors, he probably would have delivered a cero without hesitation. But Katsuya was an expert; he knew just how to distract a client while he finished his job. A tsundere would be sensitive to information regarding his romantic rival, and this one hadn't failed to disappoint. "A trim, right? Not too long, not too short."

Eri had just finished with Orihime as well, and both came over to see the aftermath. Katsuya was fawning over his masterpiece and singing his own praises. Ulquiorra sat rigidly, his hair back to its original length, wearing an expression suggesting that they all had ten seconds to run before he blew up the place.

Orihime breathed a sigh of relief. No one was dead… yet. She suddenly remembered the mousetraps and began to dread what would happen when they got home.

…

Twenty minutes later, they walked down the street side by side; Orihime's hair shimmering in the afternoon sunlight, Ulquiorra's air-drying as they walked. Neither of them had spoken since leaving the salon. They came to a stoplight and waited patiently for the pedestrian signal to turn green.

Oh, what could she possibly say to diffuse the situation? She chewed on her bottom lip, then chanced a look at him. His face was impassive again, hands in his pockets… not unlike the night that he had brought her to Las Noches. She couldn't help smiling at the memory, at how far they'd come since then.

He noticed her staring out of the corner of his eye and turned his head in her direction. "What is so humorous, woman?"

"Nothing's funny." She reached up and touched the short, slightly damp ends of his hair. "It just looks good."

Ulquiorra remained motionless as her fingers moved through the strands. But then the light changed and she retracted her hand, stepping out into the street, still smiling. He watched her retreating back, her naturally flowing hair, her upbeat step. His anger had dissipated within seconds, replaced with the burning pain of restrained longing.

**/TBC/**


	22. The Things They Carry

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Bleach, the song "Still Burning" by Sixpence None the Richer, or any other copyrighted material!

**Tell Yourself**

**By: Princess Kitty1**

**The Things They Carry**

"_You are the burning, the flame that is turning_

_my smoldering ash into a bird."_

"There's history, and then calculus and English…" Orihime muttered to herself as she poured over the books stacked on the coffee table in the living room. She had been there since early morning, so concentrated on her studies that she hardly noticed the fact that Ulquiorra had disappeared for a good chunk of the day. When he returned and found her hunched over the library book that he had picked up for her, he frowned.

Her posture was tense, eyes red and barely open, the hand with which she wrote trembling. Had she even eaten anything since his departure for work? Had she even realized that she was home alone? "Woman," he addressed her, but she didn't even look up, "have you left that table once in my absence?"

"Can't leave," Orihime muttered, "have to study. I have to keep my grades up. Can't afford to slack off now."

Ulquiorra chose not to press the subject, left her to her intensive training and went to his room. He would make dinner soon enough. There were other things to take care of. For starters, the pixilated blob known simply as Sicily – it was a codename; for what, he wasn't sure – had gotten into trouble and needed to be reprimanded. Then there was his latest paycheck, which had to be stored somewhere. He gave it some thought before slipping it into the virtual pet's instruction manual.

With that done, he went back to the living room, where the woman was talking under her breath and writing on the notebook in front of her. He watched her for a minute or two, taking in her rather haggard appearance. Were these tests really so important that she would neglect her health to get a better grade?

Orihime whined and took up her eraser, rubbing it across her notebook as if she were trying to start a fire. "That's not right!" she hissed, glaring at the math problem again.

Ulquiorra approached the table and sat down opposite the frustrated girl. He could make little sense of the symbols and numbers on the textbook page; he'd learned many things about humans and their world in Hueco Mundo, but algebra and calculus were beyond him. It seemed like a colossal waste of time to someone who wasn't going into a mathematically inclined career, anyway.

"Woman, I was under the impression that you already knew this material."

"Huh?" Orihime looked up from the page. She wore the expression of one wandering through the desert with an empty canteen and no promise of water on a horizon shaped by dunes. "Oh, I do. I just want to make sure that I _really _know it. Like, there are still some things that are confusing, and if they're on the final then I'll be in trouble."

Ulquiorra checked the time on the DVD player. It was close to eight. "If you do not take a break, you will not retain any of the material."

Orihime shook her head. "I _can't_," she muttered, rewriting the problem and going through it step by step.

"I do not see why."

"It's complicated."

He inclined his head towards her cell phone. "Could you not call the Quincy for assistance?"

"Oh, I could, but I don't want to bother Ishida-kun. He has to study, too."

Ulquiorra scowled. "You are being unnecessarily stubborn."

Orihime met his scowl with a smile. "But what good is it if I can't solve my own problems?" She saw his eyes widen marginally and tapped her pencil against the notebook. "You know, before I went to Las Noches with you, I had promised myself that I would become stronger so that I wouldn't burden Kurosaki-kun anymore. In the end, I really let myself down…" she laughed. "I haven't told this to anyone but you, but that's what was going through my mind when he hurt you and Ishida-kun. 'If only I were stronger. If only I could have taken care of the hougyoku on my own.' Things like that."

"And this somehow relates to taking an exam?"

"It relates to a lot of things, really. Making good grades, living on my own before you came. There aren't many people who have faith in me. Even I didn't have faith in me for a little while. But it's okay! If I work hard enough, if I just keep fighting I'll… I'll…."

Ulquiorra reached across the table when she suddenly slumped forward. "Woman," he steadied her with one hand, placed the other on her forehead. "You have a fever."

"I'm fine," Orihime whispered, grabbing the textbook to pull it closer to her.

Ulquiorra knocked it and the other study materials off of the table with one sweep of his arm. He glared at her startled face. "Go lay down."

"But my exams…"

"Do it, or I will carry you there and tie you to the bed."

"My exams…"

"You will fail all of them if you lose consciousness in the middle of a problem."

"But…"

"Get up."

Orihime knew that attempting to fight with him would get her nowhere. She simply had no energy left to argue. And so, a few minutes later, she was sliding into bed and pulling the blankets up to her shoulders with Ulquiorra standing by the door, hands in his pockets, in case she decided to run. Taking in his unreadable face and tense posture, she burrowed a bit further beneath the covers. "Are you mad at me?"

Ulquiorra answered without thinking. "No."

Orihime looked away. She had no reason to disbelieve him, but she felt a bit sad anyway. "I'm sorry." The only sound in the apartment was the air conditioner humming. "You probably think that what I'm doing is silly."

"There is nothing wrong with wanting to prove your strength." He thought of the occurrence at the library. "However, there is also nothing wrong with occasionally asking for help."

"I can't," Orihime whispered. "I don't want to burden anyone with my problems, no matter how small. I want to make my friends happy, not worry them."

"And you think that pretending to be alright while shouldering your troubles will make them happy? When all of that weight finally accumulates to the point of making you ill, will they be happy then?"

She was silent, then, but he could see that she was still being stubborn. Orihime sighed when Ulquiorra left the room, the door cracked open and letting in some of the light from the hallway. She'd definitely annoyed him. Her eyes closed, exhausted mind high strung and unwilling to let sleep claim her.

A minute later, a nearby sound made her jump. She peered out into the room again and squealed in surprise, bolting upright and scrambling away from the small stack of money sitting on her pillow. "What… how?" She looked up at Ulquiorra, who gauged her reaction with the same deadpanned expression, as if he were conducting a science experiment. "Where did this come from?" Her panic heightened. "Did you rob a bank?"

"Must you assume the worst of me," came the question in statement form.

Orihime continued to gawk between them. "But…"

"That is from a month of work at the ex-shinigami's convenience store." Ulquiorra suddenly found the wall more interesting. "And there is more."

Orihime allowed his words to sink in, the weight of them pushing tears to her eyes. "No… no, Ulquiorra, you… you didn't have to do this," she whimpered, burying her face in her hands. Why would he…? She'd never asked him; would never dream of demanding anything from –

"There is a difference between obligation and desire, woman."

She was so moved that she couldn't respond. Guilt, anxiety, shame; all of the negative emotions that she should have been feeling were washed away by a flood of relief so cool and refreshing that it made her dizzy. She couldn't be happy about this, not yet. But she could offer him the only words that came to mind. "Thank you."

…

"Ganbatte, Orihime-nee-san!" Taro yelled from the top of the apartment stairs, waving at Orihime with both hands over his head. Ulquiorra stood beside him – albeit at a safe distance away from the boy. "You can do it!" Orihime, dressed in her school uniform, stood below and waved at both of them before heading off in the direction of the school. Once she was far enough, Taro turned to Ulquiorra with a sour face. "What did you do?"

Ulquiorra did not return the woman's greeting, keeping his hands in his pockets as usual. "I have done nothing."

"You're lying! She was _glowing_. Women only glow when they're in love. Or pregnant."

"You are a fool."

"And you're an alien! Keep your slimy tentacles away from my angel!"

"I do not have tentacles. The former numero seis did, however. Tentacles with spikes, for severing the flesh of idiotic human children."

Taro's face went pale. He gulped nervously. "Y-Yeah?"

Ulquiorra nodded once, sparing the boy a bored glance. "In my case," he removed a hand from his pocket, revealing a large, black claw, "'talons' would be accurate."

"Wha… wha… _waaaaa_!" Taro screamed, bolting for the front door of his home, throwing it open and all but jumping into the safety of the apartment.

Satisfied that he was gone, and certain that no one would believe him, Ulquiorra looked back in time to catch the woman skipping in the distance, before she disappeared around the street corner. He didn't think much of what he'd done. Easing a financial burden wasn't that different from fixing meals, getting groceries, listening to her chatter about her day.

The end result was all the same: she would smile more. Her heart would not be troubled. Her mind would be at ease; she would do better on her exams because of it.

And his intentions would remain a mystery.

**/TBC/**


	23. What Would Freud Do

**A/N: **I'm having too much fun with this story lately… The title of today's chapter alludes to "Sigmund Freud", the quack psychologist who wrote the book on dream analysis and said that all males fear castration and all women want to sleep with their fathers. …what, you think I'm joking?

**Warning: **Foreign language ahead! Do not refer to the end of this chapter for the translation, because then you'll spoil the end of the chapter. XD Read it through first.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Bleach or any other copyrighted material.

**Tell Yourself**

**By: Princess Kitty1**

**What Would Freud Do**

One fine afternoon, Orihime rode through a hilly countryside on a covered wagon pulled by a team of braying mules. She didn't think much of it at first. It was a beautiful day: blue sky, not a cloud for miles, and the temperature was warm, but cool enough to keep her from breaking out into a sweat. A huge relief, really; her attire – high boots, long pants, a blouse over what felt like chainmail, and a long sword strapped to her waist – was neither for comfort nor hot temperatures.

To her right sat Ulquiorra, holding the reigns and steering the donkeys with the same deadpanned expression as always. "Hey, where are we going, Ulquiorra?"

"Ya verás," he answered without so much as a blink.

"Ah." Orihime blinked. "Did you just speak in Spanish?"

He looked at her. "Cuál idioma esperabas? Francés?"

"No need to get sarcastic. I was just making sure." Orihime blew out her bangs. "Jeez. Grumpy, much?"

"Tu eres la que tiene los brazos cruzados."

"I do not!" she cried, uncrossing her arms and sitting on her hands. They rode the next few minutes in silence, passing a small village with relatively little traffic clogging its streets. An old woman on back of an orange elephant waved at Orihime enthusiastically. Others glared at Ulquiorra, who didn't seem to notice.

How unfair. It wasn't his fault that his father had been a tyrannical leader, his reign of terror ended by Orihime's blade. Besides, Ulquiorra had been raised in the palace with her. He followed the laws and the customs of the land as if he were native to it. His black hair and green eyes were the only evidence of his being a foreigner.

Once they had cleared the village, it was more green hills, with the occasional farm. A flock of notebooks flew overhead. Excited, Orihime reached back into the covered wagon – which was full of seaweed and hamster-shaped marshmallows – and withdrew a bow and a protractor. She loaded the plastic instrument onto the bow. "Steer clear of potholes!" she instructed Ulquiorra.

"No, es que _quiero_ que se rompe nuestra rueda. Hay bastante dinero para comprar otra, y todo el tiempo en el mundo a perder cambiandola," he muttered, voice loaded with sarcasm.

"Yeah, yeah," Orihime shot the protractor at one of the fatter notebooks. It fell from the sky with an alarmed squawk. "Stop the wagon!"

"Mujer, no me oíste?"

"It's only for a second!" And with that, she jumped down and went running into the bushes, where she retrieved the notebook. Then she scurried back to the halted wagon, ignoring Ulquiorra's annoyed glare. "For dinner," she told him.

"Entonces porque cargamos con esta compra?" he asked, pointing into the back of the wagon.

"I don't know. You tell me." They stared at each other a moment, then Orihime grabbed another protractor and shot down a notebook from a passing flock. Ulquiorra watched it go down several yards away.

"Vas a cojerlo?"

"Nah. That was just target practice. Onwards!" Orihime cheered.

It took another twenty minutes of clomping hooves and creaking wheels for them to reach their apparent destination: the outskirts of a ruined village, still burning in places. Orihime couldn't believe her eyes. This wasn't a remnant of their recently ended war. There were _corpses _littering the ground! "What…?" She leapt off of the wagon, taking a few hesitant steps into the wreckage. "What happened here?"

"Quien sabe? Los generales creen que era alguien de Hueco Mundo."

"But all of them were executed along with your father! We made sure that there were no survivors!"

"Si?" Ulquiorra came down off of the wagon as well. "Estas completamente segura?"

"I'm positive! There was no one left!" Orihime turned to face him. "No one except… except _you_, Ulquiorra."

Then, to her horror, a cold smirk spread across his face. "Muy bien, _princesa_." She sensed the killing intent just before the attack that could have ended her life, had she not drawn her sword at the right moment to block his. "Porque pones esa cara tan triste? Es tan difícil creer que pude traicionarte?"

"Of course it is!" Orihime blocked another swing and forced him back. She'd created an opening to his throat, but she couldn't take it. "Why would you do this, Ulquiorra?"

"Quieres la verdad?" He rushed at her again, catching her in a deadlock that brought them face to face. "Porque es mi destino," his green eyes narrowed wickedly. "Te estuve engañando desde el principio."

"No… no, it isn't true!"

"Te prometo que es la verdad. Ahora, muérete con dignidad, princesa. No quiero dañar tu cuerpo demasiado. Tengo que ponerlo donde la gente pueden verlo," he waved his hand, "tu sabes, como un ejemplo de que puede pasar a los que tratan a resistir."

With angry tears in her eyes, Orihime let out a savage cry and fought Ulquiorra back, her heart breaking for so many different causes: those who had died in the slaughter, her lost friendship with the boy that she had grown up beside. It didn't seem real. All the times that they'd shared together, all the promises that they'd made… that night at Melonfest when she'd thought that he was going to kiss her, but he was actually getting a leaf out of her hair…

The sword went flying out of Ulquiorra's hand. She hit him with the broadside of her blade, knocking him onto the ground. Amidst the burning village, she thrust the tip at his neck, stopping short of puncturing his Adam's apple. More frustrated tears blurred her vision, spilling over her cheeks. "How could you?" she whimpered.

"Ya te lo dije. Era el plan de mi padre."

"And you listened to him? That… that crazed dictator who didn't even _care _about you?"

"Y tu?" Ulquiorra spat, the flames casting shadows on his face. "Vas a pretender que yo te importo?"

Orihime sobbed. "I don't have to pretend!" She cast the sword aside, dropped onto her knees in front of him and threw her arms around his neck.

"Q-Que haces?"

"I care more than you think, Ulquiorra," she whispered, holding onto him as if he would disappear at any given moment. "I…" her heart leapt into her throat, her cheeks colored, "I love you."

He didn't respond, and the sound of the raging fire was growing distorted and clashing together in a cacophony of noise that became louder and louder, until it roared at the same volume as deafening silence…

"Is that so?"

Orihime's eyes flew open and she bolted upright, scowling at the scenery in front of her. It was her bedroom. Teddy bears in place, nothing burning, everything in order. Ah, and there was Ulquiorra, standing at her bedside with a look on his face clearly suggesting that he wasn't amused.

She smiled brightly. "Good morning, Ulquiorra! Err… I didn't wake you, did I?"

"No," he answered flatly.

"That's a relief! For a second I thought that you were made at me for – _what time is it_?" There was a decent amount of sunlight coming in through the window. "I'm late for school!" she screamed, attempting to free herself from the covers and get out of bed at the same time. Her legs got tangled in the sheets and she fell heavily onto the floor.

Ulquiorra glared at her flailing limbs. "It is summer vacation," he reminded her.

The movement stopped, and Orihime's head popped out of the blankets, hair in disarray. "Oh yeah." She sat up cross-legged, staring up at him. "Do you want breakfast, then?"

"What were you dreaming about, woman?"

"Eh?" Orihime's smiled widened, and she thought about it for a long while, chasing the tails of the dream as it slipped into her subconscious. "You know what? I don't remember. But I think you were speaking Spanish."

"Spanish,"

"Yeah! Pretty cool, huh?" She stood up and threw the sheets back onto the bed, then skipped off in the direction of the kitchen.

Ulquiorra stared after her. He may not have known what his dream self, as portrayed by the woman, had been saying – in Spanish, no less – but he was a hundred percent sure of what he'd heard _her_ say. And now he was experiencing a new emotion, as if he'd come to the top of a rollercoaster, only to discover a flat track on safe and solid ground. He was coming down from… something. It made his heart feel strange. Pained, even.

Ah, this must have been what the humans called 'disappointment.'

**/TBC/**

**A/N: **Just to spite y'all, I should leave everything that dream Ulquiorra said un-translated. Hmm… but I made the end of this chapter kind of depressing, so, here it all is, in order, separated by sections for you guys:

"You'll see." "What language did you expect? French?" "You're the one who has her arms crossed."

"No, I _want _our wheel to break. There's plenty of money to buy another one, and all the time in the world to waste changing it." "Woman, didn't you hear me?" "Then why are we carrying all this food?" "Are you going to get that?"

"Who knows? The generals think it was someone from Hueco Mundo." "Oh yeah? Are you absolutely sure?" "Very good, _princess_." "Why such a sad face? Is it that hard to believe that I could betray you?" "Want the truth? It is my destiny. I've been lying to you from the beginning."

"I promise you that it is the truth. Now, die with dignity, princess. I don't want to damage your body too much. I have to put it where the people can see it… you know, as an example of what could happen if they try to resist." "I already told you. It was my father's plan." "What about you? Are you going to pretend that I matter to you?" And finally, "W-What are you doing?"

Orihime sure has some interesting dreams, huh? Now I'm off to eat more of these delicious Twix ice cream bars. I've had the box for two days and I've already eaten… oh, nine of the twelve in there.


	24. Victory at Sea

**A/N: **Hello everyone! I would like to take the time to thank everyone for the 700 reviews. Not many of my stories have done this well, and it never fails to bring a smile to my face when I read all of y'all's responses. So please, don't be shy! I actually love long reviews, so if you've got something to say, I'm all ears.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Bleach or any other copyrighted material.

**Tell Yourself**

**By: Princess Kitty1**

**Victory at Sea**

Orihime Inoue stood with arms behind her back, her hair swept back into a low ponytail, her expression unreadable past the visor of her admiral's cap (which sported a golden flower in the center). One only had to look as far as her stiff posture to tell that she was displeased; never mind the scowl on her face, hidden partially by the dim lighting in the tight space. Around her were various screens and panels with a vast array of buttons, levers and knobs.

A sudden tremor jolted the room, and an alarm began to sound from one corner, sending a panicked Shun'o running to assess the damage. "Captain," he cried, "we've been rendered incapable of movement!"

"Are we taking on water?" Orihime asked calmly.

"No," replied a timid Ayame, "we haven't sustained that much damage yet."

"And what of the surface ships?"

"We've lost the battleship, the carrier and the destroyer," Baigon leaned forward to get a better look at the screen, "but the cruiser is still functioning at near full capacity."

Orihime nodded and stepped up the periscope, where Hinagiku was keeping lookout. "Here, let me," she told him, and slid into his spot. Grasping the handles of the instrument, she peered into it, searching the surrounding ocean. She was nearly blinded a second later by the explosion to their left, the force of it pushing the submarine through the murky depths. "Tsubaki!" she yelled.

"Keep your pants on, woman! I've got him!" The ill-tempered sailor laughed wickedly as he pressed a button, launching a torpedo into the darkness.

Orihime watched through the periscope eagerly. There was a heartbeat of nothing, and then a fiery explosion in the distance. "That's it! We got him!"

A cheer went up in the submarine as captain and sailors celebrated their victory with high-fives and confident smiles. Above them, however, standing in the control room of the _S. S. Murcielago_ – the largest aircraft carrier in the opposing navy's fleet – was Ulquiorra Cifer, hardly perturbed by his loss. Dressed in a black uniform decorated with an untold number of shining medals, sword at his waist, and cap sporting the insignia of golden bat wings, he glared at the radar indicating the supposed location of the submarine. "Well played, woman, but I am up here."

Sitting in the chair in front of him was a fearsome creature, its uniform straining to cover its scaly hide. It turned to Ulquiorra, long tail twitching, a row of sharp teeth revealed when it opened its snout to speak. "We have a lock on their position, Captain. Would you like us to take them down?"

"Not yet, Bento. The woman wants to play games. Let us indulge her for a while." Ulquiorra's sight landed on the cruiser sitting on the horizon. "Get Tobias on the line."

Minutes later, Tobias Wainwright the Third, his son, his grandson, and great-granddaughter Henrietta – a family of hawkish beings – took off into the sky, talons loaded with heat-seeking missiles. Ulquiorra kept his eyes on them as they became dots in the blue sky above, considering his losses. The sub didn't bother him too much; it was great offense, but he'd stationed Boris there, knowing the man was a traitor. He wouldn't forgive the loss of his cruiser, though. Napoleon – Bento's cousin – had been on it. He knew that the dronkey was out for blood.

"We're receiving a message from James Madigan, on the _S. S. Luna_. He says that they've taken a hit, sir."

"Hmm," Ulquiorra felt a great sense of satisfaction when he saw the ship on the horizon go up in flames. "Well. She is out of vessels, so she cannot fight much longer. Shall we see if she wishes to pursue this mission?"

Down below, Orihime chewed her gloved thumb anxiously, pacing the length of the floor. What was she going to do? There was no doubt in her mind that Ulquiorra had a lock on the submarine's position. They could no longer move, so retreating would be out of the question…

"Incoming transmission from the _Murcielago_, Captain!" Lily announced.

Orihime stopped her pacing. "Let it through."

A holographic image was produced between her and Tsubaki, Ulquiorra's expressionless face glowering at her from beneath his visor. "_Captain Inoue, this has gone on long enough. You are out of ships, and I imagine that your submarine is not in the best shape either. Will you and your crew surrender peacefully and come aboard as hostages?_"

"Like hell we're going to do that!" Tsubaki barked, only to be silenced by Orihime's hand lifting.

She stood for a moment, considering her options. If she was captured, there was a good chance that she would be tortured for information regarding the movements of the rest of the military – she could picture herself in chains already, made to sit on a grimy cement floor in a dungeon somewhere with Ulquiorra snapping a whip across her back. Her sub, the remains of the ships… all would be confiscated, their technological secrets unraveled. There was far too much at stake.

"Sorry, Captain Cifer," she smirked at him, "you either come for me yourself, or you let my crew and I go down with the ship."

Ulquiorra lifted his chin an inch or so, his green eyes cold and holding no promise of mercy. "If that is how you want it…"

"By the way, I suggest that you brace yourself."

"For what?"

An explosion rattled the aircraft carrier, actually sending Ulquiorra off-balance. The windows shattered, glass and seawater flying up into the command center. He put a hand out to steady himself on the console, and looked back in time to see the woman and her crew pull down their eyelids and stick their tongues out at him before the transmission was cut off. "They got in a good hit, Captain!" Bento yelled.

"Kill them," Ulquiorra growled, straightening his cap. "Send every last one of them to the bottom of the Pacific."

A sadistic grin spread across Bento's snout. Ulquiorra stared out at the dark blue ocean as a barrage of firepower was sent towards the submarine, smothering the feeling of regret welling up in the pit of his stomach. That woman was the enemy. He would not save her if she did not cooperate. Besides, they had plenty other hostages to get information from.

And so, he closed his eyes and turned away when the shrill scream cut across the transmission…

…and still got a face full of water.

"Ugh!" Orihime cried, dunking her bikini-clad body so that only the top of her head was visible. Frustrated bubbles rippled the surface between her and the game board, held up by a small footstool that had been placed in the center of the bathtub where she and Ulquiorra sat. The latter wore a pair of black jeans that he hadn't minded getting wet, but was otherwise shirtless.

"She will drown," he said to the spirits of the shun shun rikka, who had abandoned Orihime's shoulders and were now perched in a row on the edge of the bathtub.

"Oi, woman! If you're going to be a sore loser, then don't offer to play!" Tsubaki cried, flying over and grabbing a strand of Orihime's hair to pull. She abruptly surfaced, launching him back into the wall, which he hit with a loud _splat_.

"It isn't fair! Ulquiorra, you never told me you were so good at Battleship."

"It is my first time playing," he reminded her, eyeing the game pieces with interest. "However, I am quite proficient at putting together strategies." The virtual pet sitting on his side of the tub's edge beeped as if in agreement. He picked it up and pressed the feed button, causing Jackson the armadillo-bear to dance happily, a pixilated musical note appearing above its head. "What I do not understand is why we had to do this… in here."

Certainly the woman had noticed their proximity. Surely she was aware of the fact that her naked legs were almost touching his, that the indecent pieces of fabric she was wearing only covered a quarter of her chest and even less of areas that Ulquiorra was disciplined enough to not look at. He would have accused her of using such sordid tactics to distract him, but he still wasn't sure if that part of her brain functioned or not.

Orihime crossed her arms. "The game is supposed to have a function that sprays you with water when you get hit, but it stopped working, so…"

"I see."

"Yo punk, what do you think you're staring at?" Tsubaki's voice cut in.

"Hmm?"

Suddenly the air in the bathroom began to ripple, and a large shoji door appeared next to the sink. But rather than slide slowly open as it normally did, it was thrown apart by Rangiku Matsumoto, who wore a cheerful smile as she stepped through with Captain Toshiro Hitsugaya approaching cautiously behind her.

"Matsumoto, I don't think that this is the living room."

"Yoo-hoo, Orihime-chan! We've come for your pet Arrancar's monthly behavioral assessment!" Rangiku called out in a loud, sing-song tone.

It was then that the two noticed Orihime and Ulquiorra, half-dressed and sitting in the bathtub with five curious spirits and one colorful game board between them. Ulquiorra paled so much that his skin almost resembled its former tone. Orihime's, on the other hand, became quite rosy. "Oh… was that today?"

"God!" Hitsugaya yelled, throwing his arm over his eyes and running back through the door.

Rangiku's hand covered her mouth, her eyes narrowing cattily as she giggled. "We'll just come back later!"

The shoji door slammed shut and disappeared. Orihime shrugged and pulled her legs up to sit on top of them. "Later, huh? That gives us time for another game!" she cried, then noticed that the space in front of her was vacant. "Ulquiorra?" She leaned over the game board, staring at the mop of black hair that marked where her opponent was submerged. "Ulquiorra…?" She poked the top of his head, but got no reaction. Had he drowned himself?

The gossip that spread through Soul Society in the next week was bawdy enough to make Byakuya Kuchiki's eye twitch.

**/TBC/**

**A/N: **…because we all know that Rangiku can't keep her mouth shut.

Was it nice seeing Ulquiorra's pets again? I had fun with them. What did y'all think?


	25. Love Story V

**A/N: **Greetings readers! I am wafting in on a cloud here because only two of you managed to guess the right anime! Some background: If you were tuning in to Cartoon Network's Adult Swim back in 2003, you might have caught glimpses of this series. If you live in Hawaii, you might recognize it as the anime interpretation of a Japanese Power Rangers-style super hero show called…

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Bleach, the song "Can't Get You" by Fallbrooke, or any other copyrighted material!

**Tell Yourself**

**By: Princess Kitty1**

**Love Story V**

"_I can't get you_

_and I want you so bad._"

Because Orihime had never seen Kikaider: The Animation, she sat attentively next to Ulquiorra on the rainy afternoon that he decided to watch the series. With knees drawn up to her chest, eyes open wide and no attention paid to the snacks that she was shoveling into her mouth, she found herself in tears from the very first episode. But she tried not to blubber too loud, for Ulquiorra's sake. He seemed to be devoting a special amount of attention to what was going on.

The story followed an android named Jiro, who was created to look human and given a conscience circuit that produced human emotions within him. Coincidentally, he had a 'release' form of sorts – in which he was more powerful but lost his human characteristics – and android 'siblings' who had no conscience to prevent them from carrying out the deadly orders of their master.

Ulquiorra did not see the love story in it at first. Then the daughter of Jiro's creator, a woman named Mitsuko, came into the picture. She had been entrusted with the task of taking care of Jiro, but her hatred and fear of androids had initially driven him away. As the episodes went on, however, she became the first to see him as human, and fell deeply in love with him. She repaired his arm after it had been broken – a scene that Orihime blushed all the way through because it was made to look like they were doing _something else. _She kissed Jiro before leaving him to fight his opponent. She cried for him when she thought that he had died.

But, as the Quincy had promised, neither Jiro nor Mitsuko ended up dead.

The conclusion of the series _should_ have left Ulquiorra dissatisfied. With Mitsuko and the others left wondering what had happened to Jiro, the final scene showed the melancholy protagonist glancing over his shoulder before walking off into the misty forest, away from the woman he loved.

"I don't get it," Orihime said quietly, wiping her cheeks, "why did he leave her?" She turned a questioning look to Ulquiorra, who stared silently at the television screen as the credits rolled. For a moment, she wondered if he'd become so lost in thought that he hadn't heard her, but then he responded.

"He did not feel human enough."

…

There wasn't much to do on rainy days. Orihime wanted to go out and splash in the puddles, but she'd put herself at risk of getting sick. She then tried to get Ulquiorra to play checkers with her, seeing as he had a tendency to indulge her in the games that involved either war or strategy – he would not go anywhere near Pictionary – but he seemed preoccupied.

"Ulquiorra!" she yelled from the living room, upon receiving a text from Rukia. "We've been invited on a weekend trip to the beach! Want to go?"

When there was no response from his bedroom, she crawled along the carpet on all fours until she reached the door and peered inside. He was there, staring vacantly at the ceiling, the virtual pet in his hand. "Did you hear me?" Orihime asked, and tilted her head. "You can bring Jackson along. I wouldn't suggest letting him get wet, though." She saw him blink. "I'm taking that as a yes."

"Woman," Ulquiorra addressed her before she could crab-walk back into the living room, "I do not ever wish to be in the extended company of your nakama."

Orihime let out a loud whine. "But… but I'll be there! And it'll be fun!" She entered into his gloomy domain, getting close enough for him to notice her batting eyelashes. "Wouldn't you like to feel sand beneath your feet again?"

Ulquiorra stared at her for a long time, thinking. Over-thinking, really. It was absurd how much he had let that story get to him.

Did the woman see him as human? Had she ever hated him for what he'd done to her and her friends in the past? He had never heard her talk about these things before, but he had assumed. Another human act. _Was_ he human? He walked the line somewhere in between. And this woman, whatever ambiguous feelings she held for him…

Would he be better off leaving her, too?

Orihime frowned. She couldn't quite place it, but there was something different about the way that he was glaring at her. Was he sick? "Ulquiorra, you don't look so good," she said, reaching out to feel his forehead.

He caught her wrist in a tight grip before her fingers could even touch him. She gasped, but he ignored the surprise on her face, the confusion. In the end, it had come down to _this_, correct? The answers to the questions that he sought couldn't be conveyed through words. No, words had the potential to come out wrong, to be misconstrued.

It was _this_… the pulse at her wrist, the warmth of her skin, that brought together the thousands of ways in which she could have said that she _did _see him as something similar to herself, that she'd forgiven his inhuman actions, or else she would have never offered him that which she'd held in her palm.

Orihime sensed that something strange was going on, but she didn't pull away from him. Not when he was scrutinizing her hand in such a way. And then, the lights went on in her mind. She knew what was happening. It almost made her laugh.

The universe was giving her its rarest gift: a second chance.

His hold on her wrist loosened, and she gratefully seized the opportunity. Her arm lowered ever so slightly. She touched solid skin, not scattering ashes. Fingers straightened, moved upwards until her palm and his palm lay flat against each other. Her hand was slightly smaller than his, so the lines didn't match up exactly, but what did it matter? She raised it more, lifted it so that their fingertips would touch, like the reflection in a mirror.

Only, there was warmth there, not the coolness of glass. Nothing divided them. And Orihime remembered her original intent, her reason for reaching out to Ulquiorra even when there was no hand left for her to grab onto, the feeble plea fighting the lump in her throat.

_Don't go_.

Her fingers slipped between his, closing down over his knuckles. He felt the pulse between their palms. Whether it was his heart or her heart, he couldn't tell. Perhaps it was both, moving in sync. So different, yet able to come to an understanding, without a single spoken word. His fingers closed over hers, securing the connection, and their hearts skipped a beat.

Maybe Jiro wouldn't ever return to Mitsuko, but Ulquiorra was never leaving Orihime again.

…

When the weather cleared on Monday, Ulquiorra turned up at the Ishida residence, surprising both father and son when they opened the door and found him there. "Ah, umm…" Uryuu began uncertainly, while Ryuuken willed Ulquiorra's head to spontaneously combust.

Ulquiorra held the DVD case out to him. "I am returning these."

"Oh." Ishida took it and stared at the cover for a moment, then looked up at Ulquiorra, who was fiddling with – was that a Tamagotchi? "Did you find it better than the books?"

It was strange; Ulquiorra's facial expression didn't change in the slightest, but Uryuu suddenly sensed that the former Espada was in a very good mood. Like he was recalling something pleasant behind that impenetrable poker face. "It was not displeasing."

"That's… good."

"And if you were trying to get rid of me, it was a thinly veiled attempt, and will not work."

"What?" Uryuu's mouth fell open as Ulquiorra walked off down the street, looking entirely too pleased with himself. "I wasn't!" he yelled, turning to his father with wide eyes. "I wasn't!"

Ryuuken held up his hands. "I didn't say anything."

**/TBC/**

**A/N: **If y'all want to see Android Kikaider: The Animation, it's online somewhere. I think it's dubbed on youtube. Just watch the opening theme. That alone will give you an idea of how terribly depressing this show is. And it's filled with symbolism! Human blood on gears, wires used as puppet strings, Jiro's shadow turning into a complex system of machinery… ah. It's beautiful. But so sad. So very, very sad. It's always raining and gloomy and the romance is a tragedy without the death… augh.


	26. Over Thinking

**Warning: **This experimental chapter is brought to you in fabulous Ulquiorra-Vision! Meaning, it's in his point of view, and writing in his point of view makes me nervous.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Bleach, the song "Over Thinking" by Relient K, or any other copyrighted material.

**Tell Yourself**

**By: Princess Kitty1**

**Over Thinking**

"_I was thinking, over thinking,_

_about exactly how I'm not exactly him._

_I'll break my heart in two more times than you could ever do,_

'_cause you're my dream, please come true."_

Shinigami, you do not know how good you have it.

Because you do not know, I cannot act on this childish human impulse to resent you. It would be a waste of time and energy. Pettiness at its finest. I will not lower myself to that.

I have been in this world of color, of noise, of changing seasons, long enough to have gotten a better grip on my emotions. Whereas in the beginning I was overwhelmed by the smallest sentiment, I am now becoming closer to what I used to be: composed, controlled, dominant over these erratic thoughts and unexplainable whims.

And yet, I find myself caring about useless things from time to time. For example, the well being of this device that the woman has given me to "nurture" (her words). I do not have to waste my time with it. The woman is no one who can force me to do that which I do not want to.

However, there are underlying reasons for my compliance with this task: a motivation to prove my worth in this weakened state, in a world where no one needs me; and, of course, a determination to keep from troubling the woman more than necessary. I can take care of myself. She has enough to worry about.

Strangely, Shinigami, this includes you.

I thought that I would be able to understand the heart better once I had attained one, but this is not the case. The heart of every human being is different. That which drives them, the things that they live for, what compels them to leave their beds every morning and continue to exist… they are as unique as their fingerprints.

The woman's heart, as well. It yearns to make a connection with yours. She follows your retreating back, even if she stumbles, even if she is hurt along the way.

Why?

What are you, Shinigami, that you can influence her so profoundly? How is someone like you able to eclipse her light, and why must I reside in your shadow?

It would seem that this year of observation has not been sufficient in finding an answer. The mystery remains, and is destined to linger, for I am certain that if I were to ask the woman directly, she would not be able to respond.

Ah, here is the anger again.

Are you blind to it, Shinigami? How can you be? She has offered you her heart. She has pressed it into your palm. Do you not feel it before it slips from your careless fingers? Do you not hear it break a little more every time it hits the ground?

Oh, but I suppose that you are not to blame. You already hold the heart of another, and hearts are such heavy burdens; I cannot imagine weak human bodies being able to carry two.

This little piece that I have been given to keep was powerful enough to change my entire being. It has become a part of me. It holds me together. Perhaps this is why I am so in tune with its pain. A strange notion, but a true one, nonetheless. Another element of the heart that the textbooks neglect to mention.

Could the desire to ease that hurt be considered a selfish one?

Is it wrong of me to want to fix a mistake that cannot even be called yours?

In the past, I would have been able to blame _her_. How easy it would have been for my hollow self to point a finger at her and say that she is the cause of her own suffering.

A rational response to a situation that does not call for it. How foolish I would be to think that the human heart is something that can be pinned down and dissected.

It is unpredictable, unexplainable. Its behaviors cannot be compiled and listed for intelligence's sake.

And because I know this now, I cannot say that the woman is at fault. If I did, this world could call me out on my hypocrisy, for I do not blame myself for _my _suffering.

…

Being human is the most difficult mission that I have ever faced. Quite strangely, there are humans out there who would probably agree with me.

But I do not share these thoughts with the woman. They would doubtlessly trouble her, and I have already expressed my determination to keep from doing that. In the mean time, I will do what I can – what _you _cannot, Shinigami. Even if it is impossible, I will continue to work to understand her decisions, as well as my own.

Perhaps, if I can find the answers to these questions, if I can crack this unsolvable human mystery…

I will be able to quell the pain in this heart that whispers her name with every beat.

**/TBC/**


	27. It Was Her Idea

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Bleach or any other copyrighted material!

**Tell Yourself**

**By: Princess Kitty1**

**It Was Her Idea**

"I-shi-da-san!" Orihime's voice had a musical quality to it this afternoon, Uryuu noted as he turned to face her. It was vacation time, but they had volunteered to help tutor summer school students who had failed their exams, resulting in this fateful hallway encounter.

He saw that Tatsuki and Chizuru were hovering behind Orihime, and the three of them wore equally mischievous expression. They reminded him of the fox-faced shinigami that had worked for Aizen. _This can't be good_, he thought. "Ah, hello Inoue-san. Did you need something?"

Orihime came to a stop in front of him, rolling back and forth on her feet, one hand fiddling with the hem of the skirt and the other twisting the curled ends of her hair. "Funny that you should ask!" she giggled. "See, I was hoping that I could, err, borrow something from you." He said nothing, encouraging her to continue. Her cheeks colored. "It's like this! Ulquiorra is coming in a little while to bring me lunch from Urahara-san's store, and he doesn't usually eat lunch so he's starving by the time I get home."

"Uh-huh…"

"And Tatsuki-chan, Chizuru-chan and I were talking and, well…" Her grin widened, then she leaned forward, cupped her hands around his ear, and whispered into it.

Uryuu was so flustered that he almost didn't catch what she said. _Almost_. "You want to do _what_?"

Orihime pulled away and clasped her hands together. "Please?"

"No! It's too dangerous, Inoue-san! Something like that has never been tested! We don't know of any possible repercussions!"

"But it'll be funny!" Orihime whined, and stuck out her bottom lip as far as it could go.

Ishida would have reprimanded her again, but he was beginning to notice the stares of the other students around them. More like glares, actually. Here was big, bad, _heartless _Uryuu Ishida, ignoring a plea from the cutest girl in school. If she worked up some crocodile tears for effect, he would be chased out of the building for sure. "If this goes badly…"

"I will take full responsibility for it! You're the best, Ishida-san!" She threw her arms around his neck, then drew back and flashed a wicked grin. "Bring it to me in ten minutes, okay? I'll be in the courtyard with Tatsuki-chan and Chizuru-chan!"

Uryuu stood staring after them as she scampered away, Tatsuki and Chizuru cheering and slapping each other high fives as the trio walked off. His glasses had slid so far down the bridge of his nose that they were about to fall. _She hugged me_, he thought, allowing himself a rare smile that he quickly retracted when he remembered that people were watching him. Pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose, he turned to the gawking students. "Whatever you're thinking, you are mistaken. Inoue-san and I are not dating."

Oh, if only he weren't such a good person. But he had to admit that he was a little curious about this himself. Now he'd have to make a quick run home…

…

"_Look! Here he comes!_"

"_Shh! Act natural, you guys_!"

Ulquiorra wondered what the woman and her friends were whispering about as he approached the school gate, one hand in his pocket, the other holding a plastic bag. They had assembled themselves at the entrance: the woman had the same wide smile as always, the tall girl was looking at the sky and whistling, the overly friendly girl was glaring at him.

He stopped walking, sensing a familiar reiatsu signature, and looked up to find the Quincy watching them from a third floor window. When Ulquiorra's eyes met his, the boy flailed his arms and fell backwards. Nearby students rushed to his aid. "Huh."

"Ulquiorra! Thank you so much for bringing me the bread!" Orihime skipped forward, leaning to the side and giving herself a whack on the head. "Sorry I'm such a nuisance."

"It is in your nature," Ulquiorra replied, handing the plastic bag to her. "The curry bread was out of stock, so I went to another store to get it."

"Really? How considerate of you!" Orihime took the bag gratefully, her smile widening. "You know, I bet you're hungry after walking all this way."

Tatsuki snorted. Chizuru elbowed her in the ribs.

"Hungry," Ulquiorra repeated, suddenly remembering that Pinto the Sea-Raccoon had clamored for food earlier. He instinctively grabbed the virtual pet and fed it. "Yes."

Orihime grinned. "Perfect! Because I got you something to repay the lunch favor!" She dug into the breast pocket of her uniform shirt and withdrew a tiny white disc. "Here!" She held it out to Ulquiorra.

He eyed it warily. "And this is…?"

"A chip! You know, like a potato chip! Only this one can take away all of your hunger by itself. No need for a whole bag!" Orihime placed it into his palm. "Economical, right?"

"Indeed," Ulquiorra held the disc up for inspection. It _looked _innocent enough. No scent, hardly any weight. His eyes slid up to the woman and her friends. Orihime's smile was unusually tiny, as if she were trying to contain her good humor. Tatsuki had put on poker face, and Chizuru was holding onto her shirt sleeve. Ulquiorra returned his gaze to the disc. "Hmm." He lifted it to his mouth, but noticed that the three of them leaned closer as he did so, eyes simultaneously widening. He lowered his hand again. "Woman, what are you scheming?"

The smile dropped from Orihime's face. She lowered her head, putting on a downright pathetic façade, and began poking at the ground with her foot. "You really _do _see everything, huh? Well, you caught me." Her lower lip trembled. "Chizuru's never seen you eat before. I was just trying to reassure her that you enjoyed human food."

Ulquiorra glared at Chizuru. She glared back.

"Please forgive me, Ulquiorra. I didn't mean to embarrass you." Orihime went on.

"I am not embarrassed, woman," he replied as he slipped the disc into his mouth.

The three girls gasped. "He's eating it!" Chizuru squeaked.

They proceeded to watch his face for any change in expression. He chewed for a while, then swallowed… then nothing. They stared at him, he stared at them. A group of students walked past, curious gazes capturing the tense moment between Ulquiorra and Orihime, whispers flying as soon as they were out of earshot. Ulquiorra spoke fast. "If she is satisfied…"

Orihime's shoulders sagged. "Uh… you don't feel funny or anything?"

"Why would I feel 'funny'?" Ulquiorra's eyes narrowed. "Although, I must say that my hunger was not satisfied at all."

"Eh?" Orihime held up the plastic bag. "Do you want some bread?"

"_No_," Ulquiorra snapped, startling the three of them with the abrupt sharpness of his tone. He checked his temper, then continued. "Another one of those 'chips' will suffice."

The smile crept back to Orihime's face. "Sorry, that was my last one."

"Where can one purchase them?"

She shrugged. "Ishida-kun was the one who gave them to – _me_!" Orihime squealed as a rush of wind blew her hair back and kicked up a dust cloud in the courtyard. When she looked up again, Ulquiorra was gone. "Wha-!"

"Orihime!" Tatsuki cried, pointing to the third floor window that Ulquiorra was now perched on, a fistful of Uryuu's shirt in clenched in his hand.

"_Where_?" he hissed, knowing that the Quincy had been watching them.

Uryuu's skin was almost as white as his shirt. "I-Inoue-san!" he yelled, hoping that she could hear him. The students behind the two of them were in uproar.

"I believe that I asked a simple question, Quincy," Ulquiorra spat venomously.

"Oh my God, who is that?"

"Did he _climb _up to the third story?"

"Look at those face tattoos! So hardcore! He must be a yakuza!"

"No way! Ishida-san is caught up with the mafia?"

Ulquiorra had a finger pointed at Uryuu's nose, energy gathering at the tip. "_Well_?"

"_Inoue-san_!"

A bright shield appeared between them just as Ulquiorra fired the cero, resulting in the attack being launched back at him. He was catapulted through the window, his back hitting a second shield that brought him safely to the ground. But he wasn't down yet. He tried to get back up, only to find himself staring at another shield. In fact, he was surrounded on all sides. He turned to glare at Orihime. "What is the meaning of this, woman?"

Orihime, her hands outstretched to support the shield, smiled sheepishly. "Uh… just stay put for a while, okay? Promise me that you'll be good!"

"I was asking the Quincy a question," Ulquiorra growled.

Urahara showed up at the school gate then, Tessai and Jinta and Ururu on his heels. He took one look at the chaos – a good two dozen students gawking at Orihime's shield, and hundreds more watching wide-eyed from the building – and sighed. "Alright, children. Time to seal off the area. Don't let anybody escape," he said, handing the three of them memory-substitution instruments. "We're going to be here for a while."

…

Several hours later, Orihime and Uryuu sat next to each other in Urahara's shop, heads bowed as Urahara, Isshin and Ryuuken talked at and around them. Behind those three, Rukia was on the phone with Soul Society, and Ichigo… well, he just looked downright annoyed. "Really, I would have expected more from two high school seniors."

"I would have expected more from my worthless son."

"Oh, come on! It was all in good fun, right?"

"What were you thinking, Uryuu, giving hollow bait to a potential threat?"

"It wasn't his fault!" Orihime interrupted. "I-It was my idea."

"He could have said no," Ryuuken reminded her.

And lying behind Orihime and Uryuu was poor Ulquiorra, wrapped up in a blanket, his whole body shaking. Ururu dutifully dabbed at his flushed skin with a handkerchief, mindful of his feverish complaints. "No, Cifer-san. We cannot give you another one. It would be too dangerous. You caused quite a commotion today and… eh? Oh." She looked up at Ichigo. "Kurosaki-san, can you bring an empty bucket from the storeroom?"

"What? Why?"

A sickening retch caused all of them to go silent. "That's why," Ururu whispered.

Orihime sniffled miserably. "I'm so sorry…"

**/TBC/**

**A/N: **800 reviews? You guys are awesome! I love you all!


	28. You've Got Your Debts to Pay

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Bleach or the song "Tsuki No Ie (House of the Moon)" by Akino Arai, or any other copyrighted material. Happy birthday, **DMWM **and **Becksatiger **(yours is tomorrow, lol)**!**

**Tell Yourself**

**By: Princess Kitty1**

**You've Got Your Debts to Pay**

The effects of the hollow bait were unfortunately going to last longer than anyone had expected. After all, Orihime's little prank had been the first time that anybody had experimented with feeding one to a pseudo-human Arrancar. About the only thing that they knew for sure was that he wasn't dying.

And so, that evening, Chad had helped bring Ulquiorra back to Orihime's apartment, where the shivering and fever-stricken man was put to bed. "Thanks Sado-kun. I-If he'd been conscious I could have managed, but…" She poked her fingers together, averting her gaze guiltily as she walked Chad back to the front door.

"It's no trouble, Inoue-san. Take care, both of you," he said with semi-awkward shoulder pat before leaving.

Orihime closed the door behind him, then leaned back against it and groaned, sliding to the floor. She buried her face in her hands. Was Ulquiorra _really _going to be alright? Urahara had seemed sure when he'd said that his life wasn't in danger, but Orihime had never seen him look so weak, not even when he was dying.

And she'd done it to him.

She let out another miserable whine, then dragged herself over to the portrait of her brother. "Nii-san… I've made a mess of things again." The picture didn't respond. "He's going to hate me for sure. I bet he'll even leave! Oh, what do I do now? How can I possibly make it up to him?"

She was not greeted by silence this time. Two beeps came from the direction of the hallway, and she lifted her head, wondering what it could be. "Oh!" She remembered, then. It was the virtual pet, probably demanding food from its incapacitated master.

Orihime swallowed her nerves and stood up, making her way towards the sound. She hesitated at the door of Ulquiorra's room, knocking timidly, though he most likely wasn't conscious enough to hear her. "I'm coming in," she whispered, just to be safe, then tip-toed inside. It was dark in the room; the sun had almost completely set by then, and soon she would need to bring in a lamp or something. There was no way she'd turn on the overhead light when he could have been suffering a massive headache.

She searched the floor of the entire room before realizing that the device was still clipped to Ulquiorra's belt loop. She'd actually been hoping to avoid looking at him directly, too. The guilt would eat her alive. She'd start crying for sure, which would wake him up and trouble him further. No. She'd hold it in. Steeling herself, she lifted her eyes and –

Oh, he really _did _look pathetic, lying there with the covers drawn halfway up his chest and breathing so deeply while his body continued to shake. Orihime chewed her lower lip. Was he cold? Was he thirsty? She imagined that throwing up the way he had would have dehydrated him.

_Beep, beep!_

Right. The pet had to be fed so it could stop making noise.

Orihime kneeled at Ulquiorra's side, raising her arms and wiggling her fingers. How to go about this without waking him up? He usually wore it on his left side, so… She inched forward, leaning over his body, and very carefully pinched the edge of the blanket. So far, so good. Then, just as she was pulling it away…

"What are you doing?"

"Eep!" she squeaked, falling back on her butt. Ulquiorra was awake, staring at her through half-lidded eyes. She guessed that he was annoyed, despite the fact that he had no energy to make himself look annoyed. His eyes had a tendency to speak more than he did. "Ah! I was, uh… I'm sorry to disturb you! But, you see, the virtual pet was… and I wanted to… before you…"

"Must you make such a fuss?"

Orihime closed her mouth, fixing her gaze on the floor between them. "Ulquiorra, I'm so sorry. I had no idea that I'd hurt you like this. I didn't mean to." Her voice was thick, tears quickly surfacing.

"Hmm."

She wiped her eyes. "You're mad at me, aren't you?" To this he said nothing, choosing instead to stare at the wall. Yes, he was mad. She was almost positive that, had he the strength to get up and walk, he'd march right out of the apartment in search of someone _safer _to stay with. In fact, she was going to tattoo "danger to herself and others" on her arm, where everyone could see it.

The virtual pet chirped again, and this time Orihime managed to retrieve it. She unhooked the device from Ulquiorra's clothes and held it in her palm, pressing the 'feed' button. The creature – she couldn't tell what this one was – made a happy sort of sound, a musical note appearing above its head. _Much better_. "Do you mind if I watch it for you? You know, until you feel better?"

"That would be ideal," Ulquiorra replied to the wall.

"Okay." Orihime held the device close to her chest. "Is there anything else you need? Water? Pain killers? Extra blankets?"

"No."

It was such a cold and blunt response that she actually flinched. "Oh." She slowly pushed herself off of the floor. "Umm… I'll let you be, then." Her voice wavered. "I-If you think of something that you want or need, don't hesitate to call. I'll keep the TV on low so that I can hear – _I can't take it anymore_!" she screamed suddenly, and threw herself back onto the floor, bowing so low that one would have thought she were trying to stick her head underground. "I'm sorry Ulquiorra! I'm so, _so _sorry! You have no idea!" she wailed.

Ulquiorra turned his head in her direction as she continued to apologize through agonized sobs. All he could see was a mop of auburn hair, her hands flat in front of her, and her backside sticking straight up into the air. "Woman,"

"Please! I'll do anything, _anything _for you to forgive me!"

Was it her imagination, or did the atmosphere suddenly grow much warmer?

"That is quite the promise, woman. How do I know that you will keep it?"

Orihime looked up at him, but he'd focused on the ceiling again. "You can order me to do something right now!" she cried, feeling an inkling of hope. "Go ahead!"

Ulquiorra pretended to think about it, all the while cursing both his human and his hollow sides for giving in to weakness. How long would he be without energy? He would have to miss work, and Urahara – the lazy bastard – would probably let the boxes and things accumulate in the storeroom until Ulquiorra came back.

Oh well. At least he'd found a way to keep busy. "Woman," he scrutinized her momentarily, as she had straightened with a powerful sniffle, "pat your head and rub your stomach at the same time."

Orihime blinked. Was he serious? Well, he certainly _looked _serious, but when did he never? "Uh, sure." She raised her arms, stared at her hands. "Let's see, how did this go?" She began to pat her head, then tried to rub her stomach but ended up patting that, too. Switching tactics, she started over. This time she ended up rubbing her head and making a mess of her hair, twirling it about her scalp like spaghetti on a fork. "Wait, I've got this," she insisted, sticking her tongue out in concentration as she tried once more.

Ulquiorra sighed. "Enough," he said, disturbed by his sudden urge to laugh. "We will try something easier."

Orihime ceased immediately. "Anything you want!" she reminded him.

What _did _he want from the woman? There were plenty of things, but she had no opponent in front of her, so she couldn't show off her strength to him. The shinigami wasn't around, so he couldn't ask her to verbally declare that she was giving up on him. And she'd already volunteered to look after Paco.

Orihime's expression brightened. "Are you hungry, Ulquiorra? I could fix you a late dinner-!"

"_No_," he growled, and quickly added, "You are not supposed to enjoy your punishment." Never mind the fact that whatever she cooked would have finished what the hollow bait hadn't.

"Right. Silly me!"

Ulquiorra gave it more thought. "Answer this question: Why do you continue your pursuit of the shinigami's heart?"

Orihime stared at him, but he kept his eyes on the ceiling. Three seconds passed before she leaned over and put her hand on his forehead. "Your fever must be higher than I thought."

"Answer the question," he grumbled.

"I'm not in pursuit." She withdrew her hand and pulled the blankets up to cover him a little better. "That would imply that I'm trying to steal him from Kuchiki-san, and I would never do something so terrible. It's not like I could, anyway. The heart forms bonds with whoever it comes in contact with, but it only has one other half."

"I do not understand."

"Err, how do I explain this?" Orihime fidgeted nervously. "Okay, so it's like this! I saw this quote once that said – well, I can't remember exactly how it went, but, in a nutshell: humans have two arms, two legs, two eyes, two ears… but only one heart, because the other one was put into someone else, and we have to go find it. Or something like that." She hit her palm with her fist. "That being the case, the bond between those two hearts must be indestructible, because they were made for each other!"

_Made for each other_. Ulquiorra's own heart skipped.

"Sing something," he ordered, wanting to change the subject.

Orihime blinked. Had she made him uncomfortable? It was hard to tell; he still wouldn't look at her. "Sing what?"

"I do not know many human songs. Choose."

Orihime took a deep breath, opened her mouth, and began to sing about tomatoes. Ulquiorra lifted a hand to stop her. "On second thought," he said irritably, "there was one that you were singing the other day. Something about an eclipsed moon."

"Ah! Okay!" She crossed her legs and started over. "_Sora, tooi sora, tsubuyaita koe; anata no yume wa ima hoshi no sharin wo mawasu. Watashi itsumo doko ni mo inai, sou kanjite'ta sono hitomi shiru made wa. Mune no katasumi kaketa tsuki ga hitotsu aru dake… demo donna ni hosoi michi mo terasu you ni hikari…_" She paused, and peered at Ulquiorra. His eyes were closed, breathing even. Had he fallen asleep?

"I didn't tell you to stop," he muttered.

Orihime smiled. "_Sotto, hoshi-tachi ga yubisashite-iru, anata no yuku saki wa suishou no mori ni naru. Watashi itsuka, kono te no hira de, anata no koto subete kara mamoritai. Atatakai yoru mada chiisa na tsuki no sumu ie, demo anata ga nemuru toki wa yasashii akari tomosu no…_"

Now she was positive that he had fallen asleep, and he didn't complain again, but she carried on anyway. "_Mune no katasumi kaketa tsuki ga hitotsu aru dake… demo donna ni hosoi michi mo terasu you ni hikari_…"

…

When Ulquiorra woke up the next morning, he was no longer shaking, but he still felt nauseous. Thankfully the window blinds were shut, so only a little bit of sunlight was allowed into the room; enough for him to see the woman lying asleep on the floor next to him, using one of his winter jackets as a pillow.

He watched her for a moment, wondering if he would still order her around today.

She twitched, frowned, and muttered something about having to save the high school musical.

Nah. Her guilt would be sufficient.

**/TBC/**

**A/N: **And now I get to translate the song for you guys:

_Sky, far away sky, a murmured voice; your dream now turns the wheel of the stars. I felt like I would never be anywhere, until I felt your eyes on me. There is but one eclipsed moon in the corner of my heart… may it shine enough to light up whatever narrow path you take. _

_Quietly, the stars point the way, and the path before you becomes a forest of crystals. Someday, I want to protect you from everything, cradled in the palm of my hands. On a warm night as you sleep, a gentle light lights up a house where a small moon still dwells._

_There is but one eclipsed moon in the corner of my heart… may it shine enough to light up whatever narrow path you take._


	29. Shopping

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Bleach or any other copyrighted material.

**Tell Yourself**

**By: Princess Kitty1**

**Shopping**

With Ulquiorra almost fully recovered from his hollow bait detox – he still had random bouts of fatigue, in which he would ask Orihime for another (for the sake of his nerves) and she would politely tell him no – the decision was made, with the beach trip just around the corner, to put his earnings to good use. "Bring me everything that you've been saving," Orihime had instructed him, "I want to get an idea of what you can afford."

Ulquiorra had then left the living room, and returned five minutes later with an armful of… socks? He dropped them in front of the very confused Orihime, then departed again. Meanwhile, she had lifted one of the socks and peered inside of it. By the time Ulquiorra came back into the living room with another armful, Orihime sat stupefied, surrounded on all sides by small stacks of money.

"What… when… how did… is this where… I…"

"There may be a few more. I have misplaced them."

Two hours after that, Orihime was staring dumbly at a mountain of bills on the table, while Ulquiorra separated them into manageable piles and reminded Orihime that nothing would get done if she didn't start counting.

That had been the night before. Today found the pair in a local shopping district, with Orihime stretching happily in the summer sunshine. "Okay! We have a lot to get done and only a few hours to do it, so let's decide on what should happen first. My stomach is growling, so I vote lunch. But it's really up to…" She trailed off and turned around.

Ulquiorra, hands in his pockets, stood glaring at Chizuru, who was half-hidden behind an annoyed Tatsuki and glaring at him with enough fury to make a baby cry.

"Something wrong?" Orihime asked pleasantly.

"Why did _he _have to come along?" Chizuru demanded, pointing rudely at Ulquiorra.

Tatsuki, who had long-since grudgingly accepted Orihime's new living arrangement and possible romance – and was serving as a spy for Rukia and the rest – shrugged Chizuru off of her arm. "We're here because Orihime wanted second and third opinions on her shopping decisions." She shot Ulquiorra a look. "And because we are very sorry that we encouraged her to poison you."

"_I'm _not sorry about it," Chizuru muttered, only to recoil, with much arm flailing, when Ulquiorra leaned a bit closer to her.

"Thank you!" Orihime beamed at her two friends, oblivious to the ill-will. She dug into her shoulder bag and retrieved a list written on girly pink stationery. "Alright! First and most importantly is closing the communication gap!"

"Meaning?"

Ten minutes later, they stood in brightly lit store, rows of thin, shining cell phones stretching from wall to wall. Chizuru and Orihime were off to the side, admiring a new smart phone, while Ulquiorra and Tatsuki analyzed the advantages and disadvantages of each phone and its available plans. "You're not much of a talker," Tatsuki was saying, "so I doubt you'll run up the bill chatting with Ichigo."

"Why would I 'chat' with the shinigami?"

"Exactly. You know what? I'd bet that you would be more interested in one of those." Tatsuki pointed to the model that Orihime and Chizuru were drooling over. "It's pricy, but with all the money that you've saved you'll probably be able to keep up with the bill."

Ulquiorra stared at the hand-sized brick on display. "I do not understand what makes that device more enticing than the others."

"_That _is a smart phone. Meaning, it can do anything except make you a sandwich. Wait, scratch that. It can have a sandwich delivered to your house." She reached over and grabbed a brochure for the phone, flipping it open to the section of features. "See? You've got internet access, a GPS navigation system so that you'll never get lost, tons of applications ready for downloading at their online store, an 8 megapixel camera with video recording option, e-mail… oh! You can multitask with this thing, too. Like, say that you promised Orihime you would take her on a date but neglected to make a dinner reservation, but you're on the phone with her because you're on the way to pick her up. Press this button and you can put her on speaker, then navigate to your GPS and find the number of a fancy restaurant to call as soon as you hang up. Or, e-mail Ishida to make the reservation for you."

Ulquiorra blinked once, then looked at her. "First of all, I do not see how this phone can do any of the things you claimed. It has no arms or legs, so it cannot walk to the store and order a sandwich to be delivered to me. Second, I was informed that the internet was accessed by computers, not cellular devices. Third, what is a GPS navigation system, and how does it know where I am? Fourth, I have no interest in cameras. Fifth, I would not be careless enough to forget to make the dinner reservation and finally, I would not lower myself to asking the Quincy to make the reservation for me."

Tatsuki's eyes narrowed. "You're missing the point. And was that a confirmation that you like Orihime enough to ask her out on a date?"

"Hmm?"

"Ulquiorra, have you found one that you want?" Orihime asked, having managed to dislodge her attention from the smart phone.

He examined the ones along the wall again, then picked up one of the silver, rectangular models. "What does this one do?"

"It makes phone calls, sends e-mail, and takes pictures."

"This one will suffice."

…

With the cell phone safely crossed off of the list, Orihime poured over the remaining items, then directed them into a large department store. "We need swimwear for the beach," she said as they approached the escalator.

"Orihime, I thought you already had a bikini," cooed Chizuru.

"You _would_ remember," Tatsuki grumbled.

Orihime giggled sheepishly. "Mine, err, doesn't fit me anymore. I think I might have grown in some places."

A doggish grin spread across Chizuru's face. Tatsuki rolled her eyes. Ulquiorra blinked, wondering what places she was talking about. He trailed behind the three girls, looking around at the dazzlingly bright clothing displays, the herds of humans milling about, fashion styles more outrageous than that of his former kogal hostage making him cringe. He'd been out shopping with the woman before, but never to such a large place. Then again, he hadn't had money when she'd taken him to get human clothes, so he supposed that their choices were limited back then.

Within minutes, they had reached the men's department. Chizuru put on the most bored frown that she could muster. "Can't I go look at the cuties in the junior section?"

Tatsuki glared at her. "They should post wanted signs with your faces on them."

"No, no," Orihime motioned for Ulquiorra to come closer and scrutinized the swim trunks on the racks. "I told you, I need you guys to help me pick out what looks best!"

"But Orihime-chan, isn't your opinion the only one that matters?" Chizuru asked, her voice dripping with sugar-infused jealousy.

Tatsuki snorted.

"Eh?" Orihime smiled, pleasantly confused.

Ulquiorra eyed the colorful trunks disdainfully. He cautiously dragged a finger down one, eyes narrowing in disgust at the scratchy feeling of the material. "What are these for, exactly?"

"For swimming!" Orihime turned, grabbed a darker pair off of the rack and held it up to his waist. "Err… you do know how to swim, right?"

The three stared at the silent ex-Espada, and overhead, a woman with a pleasant voice announced an ongoing sale in the shoe department. Then Chizuru howled with laughter, and Ulquiorra turned away, refusing to let any of them look at him, for he felt oddly the same as the day the Quincy had discovered him in the library.

…

In the end, Orihime and the girls had agreed that a simple black pair of trunks would look the best on Ulquiorra. She'd insisted that he try them on, but Chizuru had screamed no, thus impeding Tatsuki's research on Orihime's reaction to a scarcely clothed Ulquiorra. She'd sent Rukia an e-mail describing the incident, and had received an angry bunny emoticon in reply.

Luckily for them, it was now Orihime's turn to buy a new bathing suit, and she'd been enthusiastic enough to grab at least ten bikinis off of the rack. Tatsuki took one large step in Ulquiorra's direction, standing oh-so-casually next to him. "So," she pretended to examine her nails, "you're awfully relaxed."

"Should I be nervous?"

"Take your time, sweetie!" Chizuru was yelling towards the dressing room. "I'll take pictures of you in each bathing suit with my phone so we can decide which one is best later!"

"Aww, Chizuru-chan, thanks! That's so nice of you!"

"_You will do no such thing_," Tatsuki and Ulquiorra hissed at her simultaneously.

Orihime did take her time. Twice they heard her yelping and muttering something about the straps. Chizuru bit her lip with anticipation, wearing an expression like a child waiting for Santa Claus to come down the chimney. Soon Tatsuki remembered that Ulquiorra had asked her a question. "I mean, Orihime's going to be walking out of there in like two straps of fabric. Doesn't that make you feel…" she tried to find the right word, but gave up when none came. "How _does _that make you feel?"

"Nothing new. I have seen the woman in what you call a 'bikini' already."

"_What_?"

"Ready!" Orihime burst out of the fitting room, wearing an orange and pink two-piece that could barely contain her bust. "I had a little trouble with the straps," she said, pointing out the fact that the bottom piece was tied together by flimsy strings, "so I don't know. It might be more trouble than it's worth… Chizuru-chan, your nose is bleeding!" she squealed.

"I'm fine! It happens in warm weather! Please, try the next one!" Chizuru cried, holding a hand up to her nose.

Tatsuki grabbed Chizuru and started pushing her away. "That's it! You're done!"

Orihime, left alone with Ulquiorra, turned to get his opinion. "What do you think?" she asked, completely undaunted, and struck a model pose.

Ulquiorra slowly lowered his gaze to the shopping bag he held, in which his new swim trunks were contained. He then stretched his arm out, offering the bag to her. "Buy one of these."

…

By late afternoon, they had finished their shopping excursion and said goodbye to Tatsuki – who was still annoyed – and Chizuru – who had a dreamy look on her face as she was pulled away. Orihime hummed cheerfully as she and Ulquiorra headed for home. She was glad that they had been able to get him some new clothes as well, and it had all come out to a price that barely put a dent in Ulquiorra's wallet. "We should get Urahara-san to open you a checking account, like Kuchiki-san's."

"Checking account?"

"A place where you can store your money! You know, so you don't have to keep hiding it in your socks."

Ulquiorra's eyes narrowed. That bastard hadn't told him anything about an account.

Orihime turned curious eyes on him. "Why did you hide it from me, anyway?" she asked. There was a long pause, in which she saw his jaw clench, his brow furrow.

"I do not know."

A smile lit her features. "Well, that's good enough for me."

They walked on in peace for a little while, then Orihime gasped and ran into a small store towards the end of the shopping district. Ulquiorra followed her inside, taking in the various items on the walls and shelves. They all seemed to be accessories for cell phones. "Look!" Orihime said to him, pointing at something on a display. He stood next to her and observed the diverse, miniature items hanging from strings. "Cell phone charms!"

"What do those do?"

"Nothing! They're for decoration." Orihime picked out one of a camera and placed it in his palm. While he turned it over in his hand, she fished his new phone out of its bag and removed it from the box. "See this little hole right here? That's where you get the string through."

"Hmm."

"Do you want one?" She put the camera charm back on the display. "They have tons! I've never gotten around to buying one either, so we can both pick out the charm we like best."

Ulquiorra eyed the charms on display. None of them really appealed to him, though the woman had several hanging from her fingers like dangling rings, including a robot and a donut. He looked again. This time, his attention was captured by the afternoon sunlight glinting off of a small charm, far less complicated than the rest.

It was a small, perfect circle. He took it off of the display, examining it closely. There really was nothing spectacular about it. Shining, like a tiny moon. Round, like the hole that no longer existed in his chest; completely filled in. And when he turned it just a little to the side…

It reflected the woman, who smiled as she admired the charms in her palm.

Orihime looked up at Ulquiorra, and for a moment she completely forgot what she had been doing. The way that he stood there, staring at that perfect circle, she could just tell that he'd found exactly what he had been searching for.

"Ulquiorra?"

He closed his fingers around the charm. "I will get this one."

"Sweet! I'll get this one, then." Orihime separated a small heart-shaped charm from the others, which she replaced on the display. "Kind of basic, but I like it!" She held her hand out, and Ulquiorra, confused, placed his charm onto her palm. "I'll buy it for you! Consider it a gift," she said, and went to the register to pay.

Ulquiorra came up behind her and watched her put both charms on the counter, then fish into her shoulder bag for her coin purse. But at the last moment, he took the heart-shaped charm from the counter and divided Orihime's pile of coins in half, putting his own money there instead. She gazed up at him quizzically. "Consider it a gift," he said in reply.

And so she presented him with the circle, and he put the tiny heart into her hand.

**/TBC/**

**A/N: **I'm melting. Partially because I'm a sappy romantic, and partially because my black heart is making me squeal like the wicked witch in the Wizard of Oz: "I'm melting! I'm melting!" Unfortunately, the next chapter is inspired by Ulquiorra's background story, so it's going to be _even sappier_.

And yes, I totally did slip a Kimi ni Todoke reference in here, since Kazehaya and Ulquiorra share a voice actor.

900 reviews! I'm kind of in shock! Thank you all so much for the feedback! I will continue to try my best to make y'all smile, especially since Kubo-sensei is giving us doujins but no Ulquiorra.


	30. What's in a Name?

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Bleach or any other copyrighted material!

**Tell Yourself**

**By: Princess Kitty1**

**What's in a Name?**

It's not like it was a problem or anything. Really, he didn't know why it had occupied so much of his thinking time lately. But Ulquiorra was getting used to the idea that being human meant that he was bound to become fixated on things that shouldn't have mattered.

"Ishida-kun and I are supposed to do tutoring today, but it won't last as long as it normally does, since we have to prepare for the beach trip." Orihime's lunch hour found her in Urahara's store, sitting on the stool behind the counter while Ulquiorra tried to figure out how best to organize the candy, and Ururu rang up a customer's purchases. Jinta and Tessai apparently had the afternoon off. "You get out of work early too, right?"

Ulquiorra nodded once, deciding to go by flavor. Sweet candies over there, the bitter ones over there, the saltier ones in the middle…

"What are you doing this week, Ururu-chan?" Orihime asked the melancholy girl politely, failing to notice the way Ulquiorra paused in his work. "Do you have any summer plans?"

"Mmhmm. My parents and I are going to visit relatives in the north. That's not this week, though. I'll be here at the store working."

"Oh. Well, at least that'll be fun, right?" Orihime hopped down from the stool and let herself out from behind the counter. "I'll be home before five. If I'm not, feel free to come looking for me. Do you want anything from the bakery, Ulquiorra? I'll see if I can sneak something out."

"Do not get yourself in trouble with your superiors," Ulquiorra answered tonelessly.

Orihime scoffed and rolled her eyes. "I won't get in trouble!" she said in a way that clearly suggested she would. "See you later, Ururu-chan." She leaned over the counter. "Bye Yoruichi-san, Urahara-san!"

The two poked their heads out of his office, waving. "Inoue-san, how many times have I told you to call me Kisuke-kun?" Urahara whined.

"Shut up," Yoruichi growled, knocking his hat off of his head. "Don't listen to him, Orihime-chan. Have fun at the beach!" she said, and for reasons unknown to Orihime, let out a diabolical laugh. It appeared that she, too, had been sucked into Rukia's romance theory, and she'd read enough shoujo manga while in the human world to know that high school kids routinely hooked up during overnight trips.

Ulquiorra was far too distracted to notice the conspiracies swirling around him.

…

Getting the hang of a cell phone wasn't too much trouble. It was just like the phone at home, only it had a screen and a menu. Ulquiorra spent his free time exploring that menu, determined to master the device in a timely fashion, and wandered into his list of contacts on his way to the apartment after work. Several numbers had been provided for him, in case of emergencies, and he went down the list as he walked: Cat, Giant, Home, Pervert Woman, Quincy, Shinigami, Shinigami Woman, Soul Society, Woman, Woman's Friend, Work.

"Eh? What's this, Soul society lets the Espada stomp around town like they own the place now? Gettin' sloppy, if you ask me."

"Nobody asked you."

Ulquiorra looked up from his phone. Two blonds – a tall male with chin-length hair underneath a cap and a grin that could rival Nnoitra's, and the speaker, a short girl with her hair in two pigtails and light freckles – were standing in front of him, holding ice cream cones. He could sense that their reiatsu was unique from the rest of his acquaintances, and remembered the information gathered in Las Noches. "Vizards, I presume?"

"What about it?" the girl snapped.

"Be nice, shorty. Didn't you hear? This one's on Soul Society's side. Completely tame," the male corrected her, whacking her on the head with his free hand.

Ulquiorra narrowed his eyes. "I am on nobody's side, trash."

"Right, of course. Neither are we!" He stuck out his hand. "Shinji Hirako, at your service. This here's Hiyori. She has no idea what manners are."

"Like I'm gonna show manners to a guy whose masters nearly killed me!" Hiyori growled.

Ulquiorra made no move to shake Shinji's hand. He snapped his cell phone shut and pocketed it. "Is there any particular reason for this meeting? I am busy."

Shinji's grin widened. "Nah. Just introducing ourselves – well, I'm introducing us, at least," he amended when Hiyori let out a loud 'hmph!' and turned her nose up, taking a bite out of her ice cream. "Number four, right? Ulquiorra Cifer? Heard a lot about you." Shinji and Hiyori began walking past, and as they drew side-by-side, he whispered, "Better be taking good care of Orihime-chan."

Once they were a safe distance away, Ulquiorra heard the blond girl grumble, "What was _that _about?" and her companion answered that it was nothing, nothing at all. He remained perfectly still as his temper soared to incredible heights, worried that if he moved even the slightest bit he would be tempted to blow a hole through the nearest building.

_Orihime-chan_. Why had that annoyed him so much? Spoken by the cat woman, he hadn't minded at all. But this Vizard, this complete stranger… The anger was almost unbearable. He wanted to pursue the idiot and rip his tongue out, wrap it around his neck and strangle him with it.

How familiar did that Vizard have to be with the woman to call her such?

"Ulquiorra?"

And now he was about to come face to face with the last person that he ever wanted to see. He cast a look over his shoulder. "Kurosaki Ichigo." The shinigami had apparently just come from Urahara's store, as he was holding a plastic bag decorated with their logo. On either side of him were his sisters, the black-haired one giving Ulquiorra a bored once-over before dismissing him, the blond one looking like she was about to faint. "Kurosaki Yuzu, and sister."

"Karin," the black-haired one filled in.

"Hi," Yuzu squeaked, her face going completely red.

"What are you doing standing in the middle of the sidewalk?" The shinigami asked, eyes narrowing in suspicion.

Ulquiorra blinked slowly. "Breathing."

"I can see that."

"Then you did not need to ask."

Karin, who was watching people stroll across the street, snorted with laughter. Yuzu had a terrifying, spiteful smile aimed at the ground – no doubt she was planning on gloating about this meeting to Ururu later.

Ichigo, exasperated, decided to redirect the question. "Where's Inoue?"

Yuzu's demented smile faltered.

"She is at school, assisting the intellectually inferior." Oddly enough, Ulquiorra felt his temper beginning to settle. But then it shot straight up again, because no way was he going to let the shinigami, of all people, make him feel better.

Ichigo nodded stiffly. "Cool, I guess."

"Are you going to the beach too, Cifer-san?" Yuzu blurted out, cutting into the awkward moment.

Ulquiorra directed his attention to her. "Yes," he replied, which made her face redden all the more. Karin was staring at her now, one of her eyebrows pulled up high, her mouth slightly open. While Yuzu latched onto Ichigo's arm for help standing, Ulquiorra turned around. "I am leaving."

"Yeah," Ichigo grunted, clearly uncomfortable with making conversation. As Ulquiorra went one way and the Kurosaki siblings another, Karin elbowed Yuzu in the ribs.

"What's the matter with you? He's Ichigo's enemy!" she hissed.

"Eh?" He looked back at them.

"Nothing!" both sisters chirped.

…

A commotion outside of the apartment an hour later caused Ulquiorra to look up from the television, where two wide-eyed cartoon characters were talking about common courtesy. He listened closely, hearing the woman's voice beyond the front door, accompanied by…

He scrambled to his feet and crossed the living room in record time, throwing the door open.

"Ah! It's Ulquiorra-o_ji_-san!" sneered the neighbor boy, Taro, his arms fastened tightly around the woman's waist.

"You don't have to call him uncle, Taro-kun. He's my age."

Ulquiorra glared at the boy, then held up his hand, flexing his fingers suggestively. Taro went pale and let Orihime go, but he didn't run inside; he figured he'd be safe with her there. "Orihime-nee, is it true that you're going to the beach for the next few days? Obaa-san told me."

"Yup! Ulquiorra-kun is coming – " Orihime abruptly snapped her mouth shut. She looked quickly at Ulquiorra. He was staring at her. "…too. He's coming too."

Silence. Taro blinked slowly. Obviously he had missed something.

"Indeed," Ulquiorra murmured absently, and retreated into the apartment. He left the door unlocked on his way in. It took less than fifteen seconds for Orihime to burst in after him.

"I'm sorry! It was a slip of the tongue!" she said to Ulquiorra's back, as he was almost to the hallway by then. He stopped walking.

"You are on first name basis with that boy?"

Orihime blinked in surprise. "What? No, Taro is his family name. He is Masaru Taro-kun, and his grandmother is Eri Taro-san."

"Ah."

She launched into another apology before he could move. "Ulquiorra, I'm sorry. I remember that the suffixes annoy you. I didn't mean to make you angry." She clasped her fingers together, then pulled them apart. "It was a mistake. I-It won't happen again."

"It's alright."

Her head lifted. "Eh?"

"You do not have to apologize." Ulquiorra kept his hands in his pocket, not sure what else he would do with them otherwise. Why were they suddenly shaking again, as if he were sick? "It's fine. You… you can call me that."

Orihime's heart missed a beat. Was she hearing things? Not that it had ever been impossible for something like this to happen, especially considering his human state, but… He hadn't moved; still had his back to her, waiting for a reaction. She opened her mouth.

"Ulquiorra-kun."

She saw the tension leave his posture, as if he had been relieved of something troublesome, a persistent fear. His head turned in her direction, green eyes finding her gray. "Yes?"

"O-Oh! Nothing, I just… I wanted to try it."

"Do not address me if you have nothing to say."

"Right. Sorry." And then he was gone.

Orihime fell back against the front door clumsily, dropping her schoolbag on the floor and bringing a hand up to her chest. Had that _really _just happened? She brought her other hand up to her cheek, which was rather warm. But something else was bubbling up in her stomach, something that swept pleasantly throughout her entire body. She was happy. "Ulquiorra-kun," she said again, and an enormous smile spread across her face.

They were making progress. Slowly, but surely.

**/TBC/**

**A/N: **Let us now share a collective "d'aww." Yes, that was very good. A little more enthusiasm from the group on the left, please!

Well! Now that Ulquiorra is human to an extent, it should be perfectly acceptable for Orihime to refer to him as such, huh? AH! For those of you who missed the point of the chapter, please, _please _go find Ulquiorra's comic from UNMASKED! It changed so much between Ulquiorra and Orihime! Oh, Ulqui, you weren't emotionless! You were just afraid of being happy, of having something to lose! And you lost her anyway! Damn it Kubo-sensei! Why! Why! -cries hysterically- She became your happiness! Oh God my heart!

Let me know what you thought of the chapter… I will be sitting over here, sobbing and clawing at my chest.


	31. The Study of Human Beings

**A/N: **So on Friday, I finished reading the Harry Potter series for the first time in my life, and then went with my friends to see the last movie in IMAX 3D. Goodness, if the theater hadn't been so unbearably quiet… I was _sobbing _after Snape's memory sequence. Oh my God. Just… I don't even… I'm suffering emotional blockage because I haven't cried enough. This is ridiculous. Give Alan Rickman an Oscar.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Bleach or any other copyrighted material!

**Tell Yourself**

**By: Princess Kitty1**

**The Study of Human Beings**

Getting to the beach was almost as exciting as what everyone expected lay ahead of them.

By the time the day came, it was Orihime Inoue, Ulquiorra Cifer, Ichigo Kurosaki, Rukia Kuchiki, Tatsuki Arisawa, Chizuru Honsho, Uryuu Ishida, Sado Yasutora, Keigo Asano, Mizuiro Kojima, Renji Abarai and Rangiku Matsumoto that stepped onto the train headed to the shore. Renji had been invited by Rukia; Rangiku, on the other hand, had invited herself, claiming that she had business there that Orihime somehow knew about and kept very quiet.

And so the group had crammed themselves into the compartment and selected seats relatively close to each other. Ulquiorra had the choice to sit on either the right of Orihime – in which case he would be sitting between her and Ishida – and to the left of her – in which case he would be sitting next to a drooling baby.

He chose the baby.

"Don't take it personally. I'm sure he's just curious about human children," Orihime whispered to the slightly offended Ishida.

Meanwhile, Ulquiorra stared down at the infant, which had taken to gaping at him with wide eyes. A string of sticky saliva was hanging from the child's fat bottom lip, lengthening and thinning as it stretched and, finally, dripped down onto the baby's equally fat leg. It made an odd noise; some kind of cross between a coo and a watery gurgle. Ulquiorra looked away from it, so overwhelmed by disgust that he felt the need to shower.

Once luggage had been tucked away and everyone had been seated, the train took off, hurtling towards the seashore. Orihime was practically glued to the window, and when she wasn't, she was taking turns chatting with everyone while Ulquiorra glared into space.

It was uncomfortable. He did not like the woman's friends, and thus, would have preferred not to be spending time with them. Especially since the blond shinigami kept giving him looks. He'd have understood glares, as Soul Society was still too nervous to trust him completely, but these were borderline maniacal smiles. As if she knew something that he didn't. He had half a mind to ask her what she found so humorous about his face, but knowing the character of the woman's friends, that kind of question could have seriously backfired, so he kept his mouth shut.

He leaned over to Orihime, who had been chatting with Chizuru. "Why is the blond shinigami accompanying us?"

Orihime glanced at him, smiled, scratched her cheek and put on a determined expression. "Well, I'd tell you, but then I'd have to kill you!" she said, and waited for his response. She got none, but a weird look came over Ulquiorra's face, as if he were about to sneeze. "You okay?"

"Yes," he answered, and looked back at the baby to kill the sudden urge he'd gotten to laugh.

All of the sudden, the air in the cart rippled and filled with malicious spiritual pressure. Ulquiorra lifted his head, seeking out the hollow that had just slipped into the area, and spotting the many-legged creature scuttling up a building. He turned back to the others, curious as to what they would do, and was surprised to see them alert, but otherwise unbothered.

Ichigo groaned. "Damn it, I'm on vacation!" he grumbled as Rukia pulled on a fingerless glove.

"What are you complaining about? It looks like a small fry," she told him with a grin. "Shouldn't take more than a few minutes for you, right?"

"Whatever. Don't draw anything on my face this time."

And then Rukia pulled him down towards her shoulder, as if urging him to take a nap, and his body went slack as his soul departed from the train, advancing on the hollow. No one on the train seemed to notice; not even their group of friends, who went on with their conversations as if there hadn't been any interruptions.

Ulquiorra watched the fight in the distance. The shinigami appeared to be having difficulty with the hollow, and still no one took notice – save for Rukia, who was struggling to shove Ichigo's limp body into a normal sitting position.

"…and there's going to be a tanabata festival, too! I can't wait! With the extra income I was able to buy myself a new – eep!" Orihime glanced up at Ulquiorra, who had just poked her arm. "Yes?"

Ulquiorra gestured to the fight. "Is no one going to assist him?"

Orihime seemed surprised by the question. She observed Ichigo getting thrown through a building by the angry hollow, shrugged, and turned back to Ulquiorra. "Nah, Kurosaki-kun can handle it. We have faith in him."

"So, Orihime," Rangiku leaned forward, her gaze flickering between the redhead and her sulky companion. "Are you excited about going to the beach?"

"Definitely! I haven't been in a long time! Nii-chan used to take me every few years when he was still alive, and we'd collect seashells and he'd help me turn them into necklaces for – "

Ichigo went flying through the train car, pursued by the hollow. The baby next to Ulquiorra began to wail.

" – myself and Tatsuki-chan. Hey, Tatsuki-chan, you still have that old shell bracelet I made for you, right?"

Ulquiorra was now staring at the baby in horror as it continued to emit its ear-splitting cry.

"Sure do!" Tatsuki answered cheerfully.

"Ooh, make me one, Hime!" Chizuru yelled.

Was no one going to silence that child? Why on Earth was its mother talking on the phone?

"_Getsuga tenshou_!"

"But you know," Rangiku moved closer, her cleavage on display for all to see, including Keigo (who stared openly and hungrily) and Renji (who tried desperately not to look), "the beach can be pretty _romantic _too."

The wailing baby's spell was broken, and Ulquiorra's glare shifted to the blond shinigami. Unfortunately, she appeared to have been expecting this, because her smile widened a fraction as she kept her attention on Orihime, whose response was being monitored by a number of nosy friends. However, they may have well just told her that donuts were delicious. "It is! I've seen so many romantic beach movies!"

Rangiku tried a more direct approach. She hit Orihime playfully on the knee, laughing out loud. "Who knows? Maybe you'll find yourself a boyfriend while we're out here, huh?"

Orihime didn't respond immediately. In fact, her smile faltered, and she lowered her head a bit… then laughed along with Rangiku. "You're kidding, right? I'm way too busy for boyfriends!"

"You can never be too busy for romance," Rangiku said with a wink. Then she and Orihime snickered in a way that made Ulquiorra suspicious, but he had just taken notice of his ringing ears in the wake of the baby's silence. Glancing over his shoulder to see what had become of the tyke, he found that it had successfully shoved its entire porky foot into its mouth and was gumming its sausage-toes to death.

"Wow, look at that kid go," said Mizuiro, watching the child attentively.

Ulquiorra did not want to; he had felt the unfortunately familiar sensation of nausea at the sight of the dirty little urchin's uncouth behavior.

Ichigo's body sprang to life again, panting. "Thanks for the help, guys!"

"You're welcome," the rest chorused distractedly, at different times.

Ulquiorra could not believe that these people had managed to defeat Aizen.

**/TBC/**

**A/N: **The beach saga has begun! Yes, there will be a totally delayed tanabata chapter, I promise. You'll have to forgive my recent lack of inspiration. I'm entering my last year of college, so my brain is completely wasted.

By the way, did y'all see that color spread in the last Bleach chapter? Featuring Orihime in her work uniform, and Ulquiorra _right behind her_ – like, seriously close proximity – and _staring straight at her? _Oh, if only Kubo-sensei would bring him back and stop teasing us…!


	32. Beach Bums

**Disclaimer: **Ownership of Bleach is not mine!

**Tell Yourself**

**By: Princess Kitty1**

**Beach Bums**

With all the fun-in-the-sun activities that the beach provided, Orihime was quite unsure of where to begin. She stepped out of her cabin – rentals courtesy of the Kuchiki family, as Byakuya not-so-secretly enjoyed the beach – and breathed in the salty air. What to do first?

She turned around, her white summer dress wafting around her thighs, and found Ulquiorra looking very reluctant to leave. "I'm going to collect seashells! Want to come?"

"No."

"Alright! I'll see you later then!" She hopped down the steps with a wicked grin. In the past year, she had learned that Ulquiorra could sometimes be tricked into doing things if she left with no apparent regard for his feelings. Whether it was a pride issue, or that he was as predictable as a child, she wasn't sure. But after five minutes of walking she looked over her shoulder and saw that he _had _left the cabin, though he was scowling and keeping his distance.

By midmorning, the others had woken up and clambered out onto the sand. Rukia, who had somehow convinced Ichigo to give her a piggyback ride (he appeared quite tempted to drop her), began making suggestions. "How about a sandcastle building contest?"

Rangiku snapped on her sunglasses. "You do that. I'm going shopping," she said, winking at Orihime before departing for the boardwalk. "Catch you losers later!"

"I see that Matsumoto is as cooperative as ever," Ichigo commented dryly.

"I'm up for sandcastles," Renji said with a competitive glare at the other males. "Winner gets first pick at the watermelons."

Ishida, who was particularly fond of watermelons, pushed his glasses up his nose. "You're on, shinigami."

"Oh, so it's humans versus shinigami, is it?" Tatsuki grinned. "In that case, you lot are pretty outnumbered, don't you think?"

"Hey, quality over quantity!" Renji snapped.

"You're still screwed, Mr. Funny Eyebrows! We've got Cifer on our side!"

"I did not volunteer to assist you."

"Please, Ulquiorra-kun?" Orihime tried with a pout. When he didn't respond, she switched tactics. "Do you really want to give them the satisfaction of saying that they're better than you?"

"…."

"That settles it! Whoever builds the best sandcastle in an hour wins the first rights to the watermelons!"

And so the two teams drew a dividing line in the sand and set off to their respective sides to begin construction. The idea of allowing the shinigami bragging rights seemed to inspire Ulquiorra; when the group met in a huddle to decide on what to build, he took up a stick and began drawing up an intricate floor plan in the sand. Meanwhile, Ishida divided the group into smaller teams based on skill.

"Asano, Yasutora and Arisawa, you're muscle, so you bring in the wet sand. Mizuiro, you're good at following instructions, so you're on the construction team with Honsho-san and I."

"What do I get to do?" Orihime asked, accidentally kicking sand over part of Ulquiorra's plans. He gave Ishida a pointed look.

"You can collect seashells for exterior design."

"Roger!"

"Are you sissies going to draw all day, or are you going to build a castle?" Renji taunted from across the line, where a sandy lump was already beginning to take shape.

Ulquiorra pointed a finger at the lump and blasted it apart with a bala. "Ah, what a shame."

"Hey! That's not fair!" Rukia cried.

"Life is not fair," Ulquiorra said, hardly bothered, and Orihime stuck her tongue out at them.

By the end of the hour, Ichigo, Rukia and Renji had built a medieval fortress complete with moat, a draw bridge made of candy wrappers and string, and a Chappy the Bunny sentry standing in one of the turrets. The human team, on the other hand, had created a replica of Las Noches, complete with sand guardian, Espada stationed in various locations, and damage in the places where battles had occurred.

Rangiku had come back with a shopping bag slung over her arm, disappeared into her cabin, and emerged wearing a brand new dress and looking quite determined to sneak off again before they flagged her down to judge the sand structures.

"Hmm…" She walked a slow circle around the Las Noches replica, then went to the castle, examining it from all sides. "I'm amazed by the amount of detail that went into each piece. Both leave little to be desired. However, I will have to give the victory to the Las Noches team. While the castle is impressive, the Chappy knight is looking pretty bored. Having him fend off a dragon would have been much more exciting."

"What did _they_ have that was so entertaining, then?" Ichigo demanded.

Rangiku pointed out a little sand figure added to one of the walls, marked by a tiny twig jutting out of the tower. "This miniature Arrancar, hanging by a Quincy arrow. Look, they even painted the stick blue with nail polish. You have to admit, that's pretty clever."

…

Since it was still early, the group decided to hold off on the watermelon until after noon and hit the water instead. Ulquiorra kept to the dry sand, watching the woman and her nakama splash around in the waves. Amazing how they could have been violently competitive and insulting each other one moment, then friends again the next.

"Hey there,"

Ulquiorra reluctantly tore his gaze from the sea. A scantily clad girl with creamy skin, brunette curls and round eyes framed by long lashes was smiling at him, two aesthetically inferior girls standing behind her at a distance. She looked like one of those so-called idols on the covers of glossy magazines that the woman brought home regularly.

She tilted her head in a clear attempt to be cute. "You here with your friends?"

"No."

"Your girlfriend?"

"No."

"So you're here by yourself?"

"No."

The confusion that his answers brought about caused her mask to slip slightly, but she recovered quickly enough. "Oh, well, my friends and I are playing volleyball over there… if you wanted to join us?"

Out in the water, Orihime waded around Tatsuki, who was seeing how far she could walk into the water before the ground gave out beneath her. Chizuru, who was lazily clinging to an inner tube, had spotted Ulquiorra and the brunette. She watched the exchange with interest. "Oi," she said to Orihime, pointing back towards the shore, "looks like your roommate's found himself a girlfriend."

Tatsuki slipped and fell beneath the water, coming up seconds later, coughing and spluttering. Orihime swam over to Chizuru's inner tube. "What do you mean?"

"Over there. See that cute girl he's with?"

"Huh. You're right."

Tatsuki joined them now, and spoke in a croaking voice. "She's probably one of those girls that like to think they're cuter than everyone else."

"Like the kind that used to bully Orihime-chan in middle school?"

"Yeah, that." They both looked to Orihime for a comment on Ulquiorra's company and were surprised to find her frowning, cheeks puffed out. "O-Orihime?"

She let go of the inner tube. "I'll be right back."

As she swam for the shore, a huge grin spread across Tatsuki's face. "Oh my God! Hold on, I'm going to get Rukia!" she said, kicking away from the tube and nearly knocking Chizuru into the ocean. Within seconds, the two had returned, along with the rest of the group. Ichigo and Renji seemed to be the only ones who had no idea what was happening. "Sorry. The peanut gallery wanted to watch."

"Where's Inoue going?" Ichigo asked, only to be shushed by Rukia.

"Think she's jealous?" Tatsuki hissed, holding onto Chad.

"Oh! There she goes! Show 'em who's boss, Inoue-san!" Keigo cheered.

On shore, Ulquiorra was becoming irritated with the strange female and her tittering friends. They seemed to find his blatant refusal of their company amusing. Well, he thought as he finally stood from the sand, he supposed he would have to show them just how _amusing _he could be…

Wet fingers clasped his hand. "There you are, Ulquiorra-_kun_," came a familiar, saccharine voice.

Ulquiorra turned to look at the woman, who was smiling brightly up at him. "You were aware of my location," he reminded her. But her presence seemed to have shaken the other females; the curly-haired brunette, for example, had surveyed Orihime's face, her chest, then the rest of her body. She must not have found it very threatening, because she maintained her cute expression.

"And who are you?" she asked Orihime, as if she were entitled to know.

Orihime mirrored her head-tilt. "Who are _you_?" she shot back, not waiting for an answer before she began pulling Ulquiorra towards the water. "Come on, Ulquiorra-kun. Let's swim!"

"Woman, I do not want to." Yet he went along with her anyway.

"Holy crap, that girl is _pissed_!" Tatsuki cackled.

"Quick, scatter! They're coming this way!" Rukia pushed the males through the water, ignoring Ichigo as he continued to ask questions about what they had just witnessed. Renji, at least, seemed to have gotten the idea, and was now demanding to know if the rumors he'd heard from Matsumoto in Soul Society a while ago were true.

Tatsuki and Chizuru welcomed Orihime back to the water. "Hey, hey, what was that all about, huh?" the former asked, still giggling over the scandalized scowls of the girls.

Orihime gave them blank looks. "What was what all about?"

"That!" Chizuru pointed back to where they'd been standing.

Ulquiorra was staring at his wet feet gloomily.

"Oh, _that_!" Orihime laughed, finally catching on. "It's nothing. Girls like them really annoy me, you know? And they get mad over the silliest things! It's fun to pick on them sometimes." She whacked Ulquiorra on the back lightly. "Thanks for playing along!"

Tatsuki and Chizuru watched her run off to join the others in passing around a beach ball, leaving them with Ulquiorra, who continued to glare at the water swirling around his ankles. "It's _got_ to be subconscious," Tatsuki said finally, shaking her head. "Sure she's been gutsier lately, but that was a clear display of jealousy."

"As much as I don't like it, I can't deny it," Chizuru muttered. Then they both cringed and looked at Ulquiorra, who hadn't spoken a word since Orihime had dragged him over. "Umm…"

"The texture of this sand is fascinating," he stated flatly, and they immediately held off on excuses that they could have made on Orihime's behalf.

…

Kisuke and Yoruichi were sitting in the candy shop's office, fanning themselves and watching television. "It's _so hot_," the store owner whined. "Yoruichi, can you give me an ice massage?"

"No."

"_In other news, beachgoers were surprised today when an unpredicted gale struck up two water spouts off the coast earlier this afternoon. While many ran for the shelter of their hotels and cabins, as instructed by the local authorities, others stayed outside to catch the spectacle on film. We interviewed one such witness about what she saw_."

Rukia appeared on the screen, a smile plastered to her face. "_Oh yeah, it was really impressive! Completely unexpected! It sure didn't have anything to do a group of idiots getting carried away with watermelon smashing! Oh no, definitely not!_"

An onscreen Ichigo covered her mouth and dragged her away.

Yoruichi grinned at Kisuke. "That explains the call we got earlier about reiatsu spikes."

**/TBC/**

**A/N: **Looks like Ulquihime and Co. are having their share of fun at the beach! Ah, poor Ulquiorra though, never quite getting what he wants from Orihime. XD Oh! As of last chapter, this story has reached over 1000 reviews! Thank you so much, everyone! Your feedback and encouragement is greatly appreciated!


	33. Tanabata

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Bleach, or the song "Carry This Picture" by Dashboard Confessional, or any other copyrighted material.

**Tell Yourself**

**By: Princess Kitty1**

**Tanabata**

"_Color the coast with your smile,_

_It's the most genuine thing I've ever seen._

_I was so lost, but now, I believe._"

The beach, Orihime thought, was the perfect setting for a tanabata festival. The shopping district had been transformed overnight; streamers and colorful decorations hung from storefronts, lampposts and signs. And the best part was the cloudless sky: no chance of rain to dash the hopes of the celestial lovers for their annual meeting.

Ulquiorra had agreed to dress up for the occasion, though he still didn't understand what the humans were celebrating. From what he had gathered, two people were going on a date, everyone was cheering them on while simultaneously asking them to grant wishes.

And to think that there were celebrations for a fat man breaking and entering into their homes.

"No, no, it's nothing like that. Chizuru, what did you tell him?" Tatsuki demanded as they walked behind Orihime, who was dragging Rukia toward a food cart.

"I told him that Orihime and Hikoboshi get to meet tonight!"

Ulquiorra stopped walking. "What?"

Tatsuki and Chizuru stared at him questioningly, looked at each other, and instantly the realization dawned on them: he thought they were talking about _their _Orihime, not the sky princess of the legend. Tatsuki motioned for Chizuru to stay quiet and carefully approached Ulquiorra. "You mean you didn't know? Orihime and Hikoboshi meet every year on this day."

"It's the only time they can. He lives very far away," Chizuru added on a whim. "Across the ocean."

"America?"

"Sure!"

Ulquiorra looked at Orihime, who was sampling a treat from the stand. Is that why she had gotten so dressed up? Why she seemed to be so happy? "I was not informed." And wasn't she in love with the shinigami? Was the Quincy aware that this was happening? How many suitors could one human woman possibly have?

Tatsuki and Chizuru watched him walk over to Orihime, stifling giggles. "Oh no, this is bad. We've gone too far this time! Come on, let's tell him," Chizuru hissed.

"No! No. We'll tell Rukia and see where it goes. Come on."

Orihime, blissfully unaware of the evolving scheme, suddenly sensed a presence directly behind her. She turned around and found Ulquiorra scowling at her. "Hey!" She offered him a stick of beef. "Want to try some? It's delicious!"

"I am not hungry."

"Silly, you don't have to be hungry to sample something! Here!" Orihime lifted it up to his mouth. Ulquiorra didn't even spare it a glance. Her smile faded, concern pulling her eyebrows down. "Is something wrong?"

A few feet away from her, Rukia had just got done listening to a rushed explanation from Tatsuki and Chizuru. She whirled around in time to see Ulquiorra open his mouth to respond and, deciding that an intervention was needed, she grabbed Orihime by the arm and yanked her away. "Oh, look over there, Orihime!" she cried, taking off at a jog. "They have Chappy the Bunny toilet seats! Isn't that the funniest thing you've ever seen?"

"Umm! Yeah, I guess!"

Ulquiorra let out a barely audible sigh. He would have to ask later, it seemed. But why would the woman refrain from telling him something like that? Were they not… companions, in the most conservative sense of the word? Was he not usually the first that she would come to when something had excited her?

Then again, he _had_ blown a hole in Kurosaki Ichigo's chest.

But she couldn't possibly know how he was feeling.

How _was _he feeling, anyway? He recognized irritation, and offense, and anger. He knew that he was curious about who this Hikoboshi person was, what the man's affiliation and intentions with the woman were, and that he was getting the wild urge to punch holes into things.

Ah, wait, he'd read about this phenomenon before. Was this not the same thing that caused Don José from the _Carmen _novella to kill the woman's husband so that he could have her instead?

"You look like you're in a bad mood, _oji -san_."

Ulquiorra froze.

"Feeling left out because aliens don't celebrate tanabata?"

He turned his head and found the irksome neighbor boy, Taro, standing beside him, hands sticky from a cake that he was eating. "I was under the impression that children are discouraged from wandering around on their own."

"Granny's over there, talking with an old friend of hers," Taro replied, looking smug. "Anyway, when I heard that my beautiful angel was coming to the beach, I just _had _to come too. At least for the festival."

"Your first name is of such little importance that it escapes me frequently, but it would not happen to be Hikoboshi, would it?"

"What? No."

"That's disappointing."

"Ulquiorra-kun!" Orihime was coming towards them, a Chappy the Bunny paper fan in her hand. At the sight of Taro, her smile widened. "And Taro-kun, too? You didn't tell me that you were coming!"

Ulquiorra narrowed his eyes in disgust as the boy threw his undeserving arms around the woman's waist. "Orihime-nee!" he squealed in his prepubescent voice. "How lucky! Obaa-san is over there talking with her friend and warned me not to run off by myself. But if she knows that you and Ulquiorra-oji-san are here, she would definitely let me explore!"

Orihime nodded eagerly. "That sounds like a great idea! I'll go tell her!"

Ulquiorra's urge to mutilate something became unbearable. He approached a cart at which an elderly woman was struggling to carve a watermelon, seized both fruit and knife from her, and gutted the melon in a beautiful display of savagery. The woman, oblivious to his foul temper, thanked him for his help and consideration.

…

As it turned out, Taro was more skilled at getting in the way than Ulquiorra could have ever imagined. With the boy dragging Orihime into every store to bond over food, funny masks, and other merchandise, Ulquiorra couldn't get a moment alone with her to ask who this Hikoboshi person was. And to make matters infinitely worse, it appeared that everyone present at the festival knew that she was meeting him that night.

By a stroke of luck, he overheard that rain was supposed to keep the meeting from happening. Thus, when he encountered strings of teru teru bozu, he casually flipped them upside down.

Unfortunately his ill will did nothing to the skies, which remained clear throughout the day. By sunset, the amount of people at the festival had increased greatly, causing Ichigo to lose Rukia in the crowd twice, Renji to scare a group of children for gawking at his tattoos, and Chizuru to swoon over the yukata-clad girls in every direction. They also lost Rangiku, but were growing accustomed to her frequent disappearances and refrained from asking questions.

Apart from the trio of girls aware of Ulquiorra's deception, Ishida seemed to be the only one who noticed how agitated he was. But his bets were placed on the child clinging to Orihime's arm, whose eyelids had been drooping in the last hour. "Hmm…"

"Hey, when are we going to be writing down our wishes?" Mizuiro asked as everyone came together again.

"Wishes?" Renji looked to Rukia for information, who in turn looked to Ichigo.

"Oh, yeah. You're supposed to write wishes down on strips of paper and tie them to trees."

"Why?"

"So they can be granted, of course!" Orihime chimed in, jolting Taro awake. Ishida seized the opportunity.

"Inoue-san, Taro looks like he won't make it much further. Would you like me to escort him back to his grandmother, so that you can go ahead to the beach with the others?" he offered kindly, patting the boy on the shoulder.

Taro scowled at him. "I'm wide awake!"

"Young boys need their rest, Taro-kun," Orihime scolded him. "Don't worry. We'll see each other when we get back home, alright?"

Ishida smiled at her, glared at Ulquiorra, then began pulling the disgruntled child back towards the crowded festival. He half-hoped that this generous act would earn him enough good karma for the near future. As for now, once they were out of earshot of the others, he addressed Taro directly. "It was a nice try, you know. But if death couldn't keep that guy away from Inoue-san, you're going to have to get a lot more creative than that."

…

Rangiku sat on the beach alone, a sake bottle open beside her, staring up at the sky. The last of the horizon's color was fading, stars twinkling in the vast darkness above her. She could hear children singing the traditional tanabata song and fireworks whistling as they were set off above the dark waters in the distance. "How depressing," she muttered, lifting the sake bottle to her lips.

"How so, darlin'?"

She looked up in time to receive a kiss on the forehead from Gin Ichimaru, yukata-clad, grinning, and very much alive. "Oh, you know," she smiled at him, "lovers having to wait to be reunited and all that jazz."

"That _can _put a damper on the spirit," he said, dropping down into the sand next to her. "But, I ain't complainin'. The fugitive life is fast and fun. You should try it sometime."

Rangiku stuck her tongue out at him. "I let the fugitive escape. I'm already on thin ice."

"Do you regret it?"

"Hmm... nah."

…

With the pesky Taro gone, Ulquiorra decided that now would be the best time to pose his question, lest the Hikoboshi person show up within the next few minutes. He was growing suspicious; it was already nightfall. When was the man planning to come? He'd read in a human magazine that it was rude to keep women waiting.

Much to his surprise, Orihime caught up to him before he could even turn in her direction. "Phew! I am _so_ sorry about that. Taro-kun can be a little demanding, but he's a good kid."

"Who is Hikoboshi?"

"Eh?" Orihime stared at him. "He's the cowherd from the myth. I thought Chizuru said that she'd already told you about it."

Myth. _Myth. _The humans were celebrating a _myth_. Like the fat man with the present. Ulquiorra's hole-punching urge came back with a vengeance. "She might have paraphrased."

"No problem! I'd wanted to be the first to tell you the legend anyway, since I know how much you like to read and stuff. Come on!" She took his hand and picked up the pace to catch up with the rest of the group, though she made sure that they lingered behind, since he never liked to be _too_ close to her friends. "Right, so, here's how it goes. Once upon a time, there was a princess named Orihime – like me! She was the princess of the skies, daughter of the king of the universe, and she wove beautiful cloth that her father loved very much. But because she worked so hard, she didn't have time to meet and fall in love with anyone, which made her really sad."

They stopped along with the others, who had found a place to write their wishes. "Orihime's father was worried about her, so he arranged for her to meet with a man named Hikoboshi. He was a cowherd who lived on the other side of the heavenly river and tended to heaven's herds. When Orihime and Hikoboshi met, they fell instantly in love and were very happy together, but it caused them to be kind of lazy. Orihime stopped weaving her beautiful cloth, and all of the cows got loose and started stinking up the place.

"Naturally, Orihime's father is angered by this, and decides to separate them for their own good. But then Orihime was too depressed to weave – it was a lose-lose situation for the king. So he reluctantly allowed Orihime and Hikoboshi to meet once a year on this day, if they were good and did their work. However, when Orihime got to the river, she found that she couldn't cross it to meet Hikoboshi, and cried so much that a bunch of magpies came and built a bridge for her out of their own wings! But if it rains, they can't come, which is why we pray for good weather on tanabata."

Ulquiorra stared at her. "Then, you are enabling two lazy celestial beings to meet each other by putting your faith in the weather?"

"You don't think it's romantic?"

"…"

"Besides, it's not like we don't get anything out of the bargain. If they're happy enough, Orihime and Hikoboshi will grant our wishes," she added, nostrils flaring with excitement.

"I see." So it all came down to human selfishness, then. He watched the woman's nakama chatter about the wishes that they would be writing down, and decided that if he was living among them, he might as well investigate the legitimacy of this legend. He glared at Tatsuki and Chizuru as they offered him a slip of paper as a peace offering, then stared at the blank strip and pondered what to write down.

What did he want more than anything else in the entire world?

Orihime had already finished hers, so he made his wish as brief as possible, then tied it to the tree. Curious as he was about what she had written, he didn't have time to look; the others had already departed for the beach to shoot off fireworks, and thus he was dragged away by the woman the moment his wish for _fewer distractions_ had been secured beneath her wish _to get to know Ulquiorra-kun better_.

**/TBC/**

**A/N: **Gee, I wonder what the combination of those two wishes will do for the two in the near future?

One of y'all asked what the deal was at the end of last chapter. Well! Funny story. Ichigo decided that it would be a brilliant idea to slice the watermelons with bankai, which got Renji excited, so he did it too, and the clashing energy generated wind and heat and… waterspouts. Of course, no one could really see what had caused it, so all they noticed was the wind and the waterspouts.


	34. The Awakening

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Bleach, "The Awakening" by Kate Chopin (from which the opening quote is taken) or any other copyrighted material.

**Tell Yourself**

**By: Princess Kitty1**

**The Awakening**

"_The years that are gone seem like dreams – if one might go on sleeping and dreaming – but to wake up and find – oh! well! perhaps it is better to wake up after all, even to suffer, rather than to remain a dupe to illusions all one's life."_

It was overcast all throughout their last day at the beach. Orihime, who had been hoping to soak up a little more sun, was a tad bit disappointed. But with all that there was to do, she forgot her troubles rather quickly. She went into the shopping district with the girls, leaving Ulquiorra behind with the men to do whatever manly things they could think of.

Rangiku had returned that morning and, after changing out of her clothes before anyone could notice that they were the same as the day before, had described to Orihime her romantic evening with Gin. She was very fond of the girl, so she'd trusted her with her true intentions of going along to the beach. Apparently, Gin was playing dead and evading Soul Society at every turn. Rangiku couldn't sneak out to see him often, as her behavior would be considered "more suspicious than usual," thus the outing had been a perfect cover.

Orihime thought it all very romantic, of course. She wondered, as they browsed a clothing store, what it would be like having a lover who was a fugitive, and having to sneak out just to see him.

The fact that her dream fugitive was faceless stirred an odd, uncomfortable feeling in her chest.

But there was no time to think it over. It seemed that everybody was demanding her attention. Chizuru wanted her to try on a bunch of cute outfits, to which Tatsuki was opposed for some reason. Rukia had eaten one too many Chappy the Bunny candies and was very hyper, which resulted in them having to chase after her to make sure she didn't accidentally say anything that the human shopkeepers might have found odd.

At the end of the day they met up with the guys and went out for dinner. After that, the group split off into smaller sections and everyone went their separate ways. Rangiku had somehow convinced Renji to go out drinking with her. Ichigo was dragging the hyper Rukia back to the cabins to see if television could get her to stay in one place. Chad, Mizuiro and Keigo were attending a wrestling match, and since the girls were going on a night walk down the beach, Ishida went along to the match to avoid being left alone with Ulquiorra.

Ulquiorra gladly retreated to the cabins as well.

"Somehow I get the feeling that he didn't really enjoy this vacation," Orihime confided in Tatsuki and Chizuru once they had set off down the shore. The clouds of the day had cleared, leaving a big and bright moon hanging above them. She played with the little heart charm on her cell phone, the waves occasionally lapping at her bare feet. "I thought the sand at least would remind him of Las Noches."

"Maybe it made him homesick?" Chizuru suggested.

Orihime frowned. Homesick, for Las Noches? "He's never talked about missing it. Come to think of it, he never mentions Hueco Mundo at all, unless I ask about it. And even then he doesn't say anything that'd make me think he liked it."

Tatsuki kicked at the wet sand, carving a gash into it that the water quickly refilled. "It's probably because all of us were here, too. If it were just the two of you he might have liked it better."

"You think?"

"Well, sure. He doesn't like us, remember? Having to be around Ichigo and Ishida, especially, means that his guard will be up, the tension super thick. They may not be a threat anymore, but the perceived threat is still there. Or something similar."

Orihime groaned miserably. "I didn't think of that."

Chizuru smiled and hugged her tightly. "It's alright, Hime-chan. Your intentions were pure," she said. "I'm sure that he knows that too, which is why he didn't start anything."

Orihime relaxed, but the thought continued to weigh her down. He'd even told her that he hadn't wanted to be near her friends, and she'd insisted anyway. As they circled back and approached the cabins, she decided that she would ask him about the matter, and express her apologies if the situation called for it. Ulquiorra was her guest; she wanted him to be comfortable.

She said good night to Tatsuki and Chizuru, then turned for her cabin, breathing in the humid ocean air. A few of the other cabins had their doors open, including that of Ichigo and Rukia, which came before hers. With a smile, she peeked in and slowed as she was passing to see if Rukia had finally been sedated.

And indeed, she had. The shinigami sat on the back porch of the cabin with Ichigo, the two of them gazing up at the moon as they spoke to each other quietly. It was a beautiful picture, really: Ichigo and Rukia, framed by the doors, with the starry sky in front of them and the city lights in the distance. Orihime would have loved to get it on film, to show it to them later so that they, too, could see what a pair they made. But she chose not to linger, and started to walk a bit faster just as Ichigo's hand slipped into Rukia's hair, pulled her closer and…

Orihime took off at a sprint, bridging the distance between the scene and her own cabin in seconds. Ulquiorra had left the door unlocked for her, which relieved her of having to fumble for the keys in near darkness, and she burst into the room, slightly out of breath.

Ulquiorra, who had been tending to his virtual pet, lifted his head to see what the commotion was about. The woman had come in like a thunderstorm, and wore a look as if she'd just discovered something startling. He was curious, but had a policy about not asking; she'd likely tell him whether he did or not.

Orihime swallowed, then settled her unfocused gaze on him. "Ul-Ulquiorra-kun, did you have fun these last few days?"

Ulquiorra stared at her blankly. "Fun?"

"Did you enjoy yourself?"

"The trip was not entirely unpleasant. I did not have to socialize with that bumbling fool, at least," he thought, Urahara's wide grin coming to mind and making him frown.

Orihime looked away. "Good."

"Something is troubling you." He'd told himself that he would not ask, but technically, it hadn't been a question. The woman seemed to still carry the mistaken notion that she could hide things from him when they spent so much time together, when _hardly _anything got past his eyes, especially if it involved her.

Orihime opened her mouth, her lips moved silently, and then she moved away from the door. She dropped her bag, came to sit on the floor beside Ulquiorra. How could she even begin to tell him how she was feeling, _what _she was feeling? It was something that she had never talked about with anyone before. Something, really, that she hadn't even given much thought to herself.

But to see Ichigo kiss Rukia, and to feel… completely fine?

Tears gathered on her eyelids. Ulquiorra waited, saw her bottom lip tremble, her throat move as she swallowed forcefully. She took a deep breath, and then, "I'm not in love with Kurosaki-kun anymore."

Ulquiorra remained silent and impassive as possible against the feeling that had intruded into his body. It was as if his heart had become lighter, his stomach nonexistent. Something similar to how he'd felt when she had reached for him before death. And then, he thought, how could her words have such a different effect on him than they'd had on her? The woman had her forehead against her knees, whimpering, crying, as if the statement had caused her pain.

It was… selfish of him to feel the way he did. But he couldn't help it. Humanity was such a troublesome state of being. Then again, he'd started losing control of his emotions while still an arrancar, thanks to her.

He pushed aside the thought and spoke. "I do not understand why that upsets you." Pause. "Is it not supposed to feel liberating? You have removed something that caused you pain."

Orihime didn't respond at first, too distraught to form a coherent sentence. She fought against the sorrow, wrestled for control of herself. "It is. But at the same time, I feel like I've lost something precious. Something that was important to me. A huge part of my life… gone."

"Then you are troubled because you do not know what to do with yourself?" Ulquiorra tried.

She shook her head. "I'm troubled because it feels empty," her hand came up to her chest, "in here." She took a deep breath. "I've parted ways with a piece of myself, and I'm not even sure when. It's very sad." The words left her in a whisper. "Saying goodbye… it's so sad."

She couldn't speak anymore. The sorrow gripped her so fiercely that she felt short of breath, and had to focus more on taking air into her lungs than worrying about what to say. It must have sounded silly to him. She'd have put money on the fact that she probably looked so stupid to him in that moment, crying over lost feelings. Or perhaps she was counting on him being able to relate somewhat, having formerly sported a hole in his chest.

Really… why _had _she come to Ulquiorra for such a thing? Why was she suddenly clinging to him, holding onto him so tightly, as if he were the only person on the beach that could have understood her feelings?

Ulquiorra closed his eyes. He was at the height of his selfishness, he hoped, because guilt was one of those emotions that he would have liked to avoid feeling at all costs. But for the moment, he decided to embrace it. Embrace _her_. To contradict himself yet again in order to yield to his heart. He held her against him, took in every sob, every tremor that went through her body.

_Finally_, his heart whispered, _I have her all to myself_. And how wonderful it felt. How horrible it would be when he had to let her go again, like when he had become ash on the dome. He could feel her heart beating against his skin. And she was so warm. So soft. So vulnerable. So _human_.

But… he wanted her to be strong.

"You're being unreasonable," he told her firmly. "You have lost something important to you – which, I am under the impression, happens to everyone." She quieted a bit; probably becoming angry with him for his detached tone. "However, you have not lost everything. There is no reason to despair."

Orihime pulled away to look at him, sniffling. His gaze was even, his expression serious. Another person would have offered her a reassuring smile. But the fact that she had gotten something reassuring from him at all was stunning, really. She was kind of at a loss for words.

Ulquiorra's grip on her loosened, albeit reluctantly. "I won't apologize if that was not what you wanted to hear."

"I know," she said, wiping her cheeks. "You don't have to."

Yes, she realized, that was the reason she'd come to Ulquiorra. Because she'd come to know that he would not feel sorry for her, wouldn't feed her sugar-coated words, wouldn't let her wallow in self-pity. He may have had a heart, but he was the same logical man as before.

"It still hurts," she whispered.

"I can only imagine," was his flat response, and she laughed because she knew that he meant it literally. For a second, she wondered what Ulquiorra would be like when he fell in love. _If _he ever fell in love.

She ended up falling asleep on the couch that night. Ulquiorra feared disturbing her, not because he didn't want to wake her, but because he'd learned that if she was bothered in the middle of a dream, she would start acting it out on her way to bed. Thus, he retrieved a blanket from the bedroom and laid it over her sleeping form.

But as he stood over her, the edge of the blanket still in his hand, he felt his heart give one more selfish plea.

He leaned closer, his gaze fixed on her peaceful face.

Closer still… the room, and him, and her, bathed in moonlight…

Close enough to feel her breath on his cheek…

To trace the shape of her lips with his eyes…

And then he pulled away. He couldn't do it. As much as he wanted to. As loud as his heart was clamoring for it.

When the time came, he would earn it. Fair and square.

**/TBC/**


	35. They Were So Young

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Bleach or any other copyrighted material. Also, I apologize if I overdo it on the fluff… wait, isn't that a good thing?

**Tell Yourself**

**By: Princess Kitty1**

**They Were So Young**

"Woman,"

Orihime could not recall a single one of her dreams. She'd had them, she was sure of it, but they had spent the night dancing just out of her reach. Would she ever dream pleasantly again, she wondered? Of course she would. It was only a matter of time. Wait, time?

"Woman,"

Her eyes snapped open. "What time is?" she demanded of the ex-Espada who stood over her. They were supposed to be leaving the shore that day. Had she overslept? Were they going to miss the train because of her? They were! It was written all over Ulquiorra's face! He had on an impatient frown; extremely rare for one who never hurried.

"It is early."

Her brow furrowed. She grabbed her cell phone and checked the time. 6:45am. "Eh?" If it was so early, then why was he waking her up? She'd slept on the couch; maybe he was just worried about her catching a cold. But his expression didn't change. He seemed to be waiting for her to gather more of her wits. "What's wrong? Did something happen?"

Ulquiorra held out his hand. Confused, Orihime mirrored his action, and he dropped a light object into her palm. The virtual pet. "Look at the screen," he said.

Orihime examined it closely. The screen was blank. She pressed the button that was supposed to take it off of sleep mode, but there was no response, not even a beep. She tried pressing the other buttons. The device flickered back to life momentarily, then immediately shut off again. "Oh no," She tapped it with her finger twice, tried again. Nothing changed. "I think it's dead, Ulquiorra-kun."

"I do not follow."

"Its battery drained. We'd have to go out and buy a new one, but I honestly have no idea where they sell them." They stared at the unresponsive device. "Maybe there's a number to call in the instruction manual. They could send a replacement, at least."

Ulquiorra's expression hardened. "A replacement would not be the same."

Orihime eyed him curiously, fighting hard to keep a smile from surfacing. Had he really gotten so attached to that little thing in the last few months? She decided to test the waters. "How would it not be the same? It'd randomly generate the same creatures, right?"

"There is an entire universe in that device – " He paused halfway through his sentence, as if he had realized what he was about to say, and closed his mouth. Orihime waited for him to continue. Instead, he plucked the device out of her hand and turned around. "I will dispose of it."

"Wait, Ulquiorra-kun!" She threw the blanket off of her body and stumbled after him, taking hold of the hand that held the virtual pet. That stopped him; he gave her a look that had been allowed a tiny measure of reluctance. She grinned. "I've got a better idea."

…

Half an hour later, the sun was peeking over the horizon, making the ocean glitter. Rukia had been awake for some time, her internal alarm clock still operating under shinigami training hours. She was sure that Renji and Rangiku would have been up too, had they not been hung-over. Thus, she was the first to notice Ulquiorra and Orihime leaving their cabin and heading for the sandy beach.

The temptation to sneak closer and find out what they were up to was so powerful that she had to wiggle in place to keep from running off. Her disappearance would undoubtedly get Ichigo riled up, as she was convinced that he was suffering mild post-traumatic stress from their last separation, and it was too early to deal with that. Besides, it wasn't like she couldn't see them from where she sat, but the curiosity was still killing her.

Closer to the water, Orihime stooped over and began digging a hole in the wet sand. The waves were far enough for her not to have to worry about losing progress. "Hey, Tsubaki, I need your help."

"Woman, it is too damn early," grumbled the spirit that had separated from her hairpins and sat on her shoulder. He glared at Ulquiorra. Ulquiorra glared back. "What's that guy doing here?"

"If you are too incompetent to help the woman, I can show you how a real warrior does his job."

"You want to die again, Pinocchio?" Tsubaki barked, then nudged Orihime's cheek with his elbow. "Ha, get it woman? Pinocchio, 'cause he's trying to be a real boy? Hahaha!"

Ulquiorra pointed a finger at Tsubaki. "How about leaving her shoulder to make this a fair fight, trash?"

"What, you can't even shoot me off of her shoulder with your oh-so-powerful eyes?"

"I could. It is the woman who is fond of moving unpredictably and putting herself in danger."

"Stop fighting!" Orihime cried, grabbing Tsubaki off of her shoulder and setting him down in the sand. "Would you _please _help me? I just need this hole to be deeper."

Tsubaki flew up a short distance. "Yeah, yeah." He shot down into the sand with incredible speed, kicking up enough to make Orihime back away for the sake of keeping her clothes clean. She clapped the dirt off of her hands and joined Ulquiorra, who had lowered his hand, but was staring at the hole with the temptation to bury Tsubaki in it.

"While that's done, let's start the ceremony!"

"I do not think this is necessary."

"We're gathered here this morning to say goodbye to Bento, Tobias Wainwright the Third, Fourth, Fifth, and Henrietta, James Madigan, Boris, Napoleon, Sicily, Pinto, Paco, Damien, Basil, Loki… who came after Loki? Ah, Corinth, Tama, Yoshi, Edith, and Garland. They were well-behaved, dedicated soldiers and – "

Ulquiorra interrupted her. "You remembered all of their names."

Orihime nodded, clasping her hands behind her head. "They were important to you, and they had such unique backgrounds that it wasn't hard to do. Though, I will say that some of them were quite horrifying. And the Civil War…"

"It was a revolution."

"So many lives lost." She shook her head sadly.

Tsubaki emerged from the hole in the sand, coughing and sputtering. He was covered in dirt from head to toe. "Deep enough?" he asked as Orihime ventured forward to look. "I could have kept going," he added, with a glare in Ulquiorra's direction. "I just didn't want to strike Earth's core or anything."

"This is perfect! Thank you Tsubaki!" Orihime pushed sand out of his hair with her index finger, and his eyes narrowed in self-satisfaction before he went back to his resting state. She turned to Ulquiorra. "Would you like to say any last words?"

"What would the use of that be?"

She blinked. "I don't know. Isn't there anything you wanted to say to them before they left?" The bland look on Ulquiorra's face told her enough. "Well, alright. Let the burial commence!" She watched him approach the hole. "Though," she said suddenly, causing him to stop, "I liked to think that they taught you something about caring for other creatures. Even if they weren't, you know, _real_ creatures. But you made them real enough with your imagination!"

"Woman," Ulquiorra's voice had gone cold, "I do not want to say anything."

Orihime's eyes widened in surprise. It wasn't her imagination this time. She'd learned in living with him that he often took that tone when he was trying to hide or subdue how he was feeling; reverting to his hollow nature, because emotion still troubled him.

Was it possible that he was sad, then? In a strange way, the virtual pets had become his companions. It would explain his unwillingness to replace them.

Ulquiorra dropped the device into the hole, then turned away from it. "We must prepare for our departure," he said. Orihime had expected him to walk off without waiting for her, but he stayed where he was until she had filled the hole with sand and joined him. She put a comforting hand on his arm. He didn't even blink.

…

On the train ride back, Rukia was showing off the gifts that she'd bought for her division, Rangiku and Renji looked like they had been pushed through a car wash on a skateboard, Keigo and Mizuiro were attempting to arm-wrestle Chad, Ichigo and Uryuu were bickering, and Tatsuki was trying to police the argument. Chizuru was oddly subdued, which eventually frightened everyone enough to ask her what was wrong. Wordlessly, she pointed a little further down the row, and the sight that everyone beheld was enough to subdue and sober them as well.

Both Orihime and Ulquiorra had dozed off in their seats. His arms were crossed and he was frowning, giving off the impression that he wasn't asleep at all; simply awaiting orders. Orihime, on the other hand, had looped her arm through his and had her head against his shoulder, lips parted, her expression at ease.

**/TBC/**


	36. Peanut Gallery II

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Bleach or any other copyrighted material.

**Tell Yourself**

**By: Princess Kitty1**

**Peanut Gallery II**

It was a beautiful summer day; nice enough for Rukia, Tatsuki and Chizuru to have lunch at a park with their friends Michiru Ogawa, Ryo Kunieda, and Mahana Natsui. They were waiting for Orihime to join them, as she was still tutoring at the school a few blocks away.

And the conversation had been going quite normally until…

"Hey guys," said Mahana, turning a sheepish yet curious look on the three who knew Inoue best, "does Orihime have a boyfriend?"

Rukia choked on her lunch, frantically clawing at her throat with one hand and hitting herself in the gut with the other until her airways were clear and she could breathe again, albeit in a raspy way. Chizuru sent Tatsuki a panicked look. So she was the elected leader, eh?

"What makes you say that?" Tatsuki asked patiently.

Mahana went on as Ryo handed Rukia a napkin. "It's really nothing. I mean, I think it's nothing, that's why I'm asking. But… I've _seen _her with someone," she said, dropping her voice to a near whisper. "A _guy_."

"Obviously," Ryo muttered.

Rukia sucked down a gulp of juice from the small box in her hand. "What did he look like?"

"Dark hair. Really pale, too, like he'd never been out in the sun. A little bit taller than her, and I'm not sure because I was kind of far away, but it looked like he had tattoos _on his face_."

Michiru gasped. "Wait a minute! That sounds like the guy who works at the candy store now!" She let her chopsticks fall back onto her lunch and leaned in closer to the others. "Please, tell me it's not that guy. I've _heard _things about him. A friend that I went to middle school with said that this kogal at her high school was _attacked _by the guy in broad daylight!"

"Face tattoos, eh?" Ryo mused quietly.

"You know who we're talking about, right Ryo?" Michiru asked her.

"Now that you mention it," Ryo took a sip of water from her bottle, the other two watching her with wide eyes. Tatsuki, Chizuru and Rukia had gone mysteriously silent. "My cousin works at the library. She says that guy comes in a lot, and that Orihime's been there with him."

"No way!" Michiru screamed, borderline hysterical.

"She also said that he's almost always in a bad mood, hasn't seen him crack a single smile, and that once, Ishida came out of nowhere and tackled him to the floor. It was a huge commotion."

"Ishida _tackled _him?"

"_Shit_," Tatsuki hissed, giving Rukia a pointed look.

"Oh my God, what are we going to do? I mean, what if she's dating this guy and he's a yakuza or something? I mean, tattoos on his _face_? That sounds like trouble!"

"I thought Orihime was saner than that, but since Kurosaki started dating Kuchiki – no offense, Rukia-chan – I've been kind of worried."

"None taken," Rukia said absently, digging through her purse.

"Do you really think she's gone nutty enough to date a yakuza? Though knowing Orihime, she could probably take him in a fight if things got ugly. But if she makes him mad and he sends his goons after her – "

"What if he tries to have Kurosaki whacked? Or Ishida, because he tackled him?"

"Tatsuki, Chizuru, you two are Orihime's best friends! You have to talk some sense into her!" Michiru said, practically in tears. "She could be in great danger!"

There was a beat of silence, and then to the complete shock of the oblivious three, Chizuru and Tatsuki burst out laughing. Rukia was grinning, too, though she continued to search her bag. "Orihime – in danger – _because _of him?" Tatsuki managed, holding onto Chizuru's shoulder for support, though Chizuru herself was doubled over with glee.

"What's so…?" Ryo began, but Mahana interrupted her.

"So she _is _dating him!"

Chizuru waved her hand. "Oh no, it's nothing _that _drastic. Not yet."

"Well, the living arrangement is kind of…"

"_Huh_?" the other three cried.

"Anyway, don't worry about Orihime's safety. Cifer would never lay a finger on her."

"Though he's broken the fingers of people who have tried. The poor bastards."

"Found it!" Rukia cried triumphantly, producing a small object from her bag. She gestured to her bewildered friends. "You three, look here please. Arisawa-san, Honsho-san, why don't you get us some more drinks?"

Tatsuki and Chizuru stood from their bench, straightening their clothes. "More drinks? Sure thing!" And a moment later, they heard Michiru ask,

"Kuchiki-san, is that a Pez dispenser?"

…

When Orihime got out of school later that afternoon, she went straight to Urahara's shop to pick up Ulquiorra, as he had informed her via a slowly written text message that he had finished his work early that day. Ururu was outside sweeping, and flashed her a tentative smile as she entered.

Ulquiorra was leaning against the counter, drinking something green and icy. "Is that a new flavor?" Orihime asked him, waving at Yoruichi, who for some reason was watching them from the office with a funny look on her face.

"Green apple," Ulquiorra replied.

"Let me try!" Orihime took the plastic cup from him and stuck the straw in her mouth, oblivious to the widening of Ulquiorra's eyes. "You know, lunch was kinda weird today – mmm, that's good!" She handed it back to him. "I got there and Ryo-kun, Michiru-chan and Mahana-chan were all asleep on the grass!"

Ulquiorra stared at the straw as if he weren't quite sure what to do with it.

"Isn't that weird? Chizuru-chan thought so too, but Tatsuki-chan said that it was so nice and warm outside that she didn't blame them for dozing off. I suppose she's right, huh? Kuchiki-san thought so too. But then when they woke up they couldn't remember what they'd been talking about."

Ulquiorra poked the straw uncertainly.

"Ulquiorra-kun?"

"There is nothing odd about being disoriented upon waking up somewhere unfamiliar," he said, before slowly sticking the straw back into his mouth, his heart turning in weird circles.

"Yeah, I guess you're right."

**/TBC/**

**A/N: **The memory chikan totally looks like a Pez dispenser… and oh my! Fandom calls that an indirect kiss, Mister Ulquiorra-kun.


	37. Telephone

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Bleach or any other copyrighted material.

**Tell Yourself**

**By: Princess Kitty1**

**Telephone**

With summer vacation drawing to a close, the employees of Urahara's shop noticed the mood of their newest worker growing steadily more sullen. A miracle, declared Urahara himself, for he'd thought they would never be able to distinguish Ulquiorra's bad moods from his good moods. He knew not to comment about it, however. Last he'd tried to suggest that the former Espada might be suffering from the fact that soon Orihime would be a slave to school and the bakery again, he'd been threatened at finger-point.

And it was in the middle of one of Ulquiorra's melancholic states that he received a phone call from the woman in question. His sleek silver cell began to chime its generic polyphonic ringtone, _Woman _blinking on the display. No doubt she needed him to retrieve some odd ingredient for her food concoctions. He stepped out of the convenience store to answer it.

"Yes?"

"_Good afternoon Ulquiorra-kun_!" Her voice may have sounded strange over the speaker, but it wasn't robbed of its usual cheer.

"What do you need, woman?"

"_Eh? Need?_" She laughed. "_I don't need anything! I'm just having lunch and decided to find out what you were up to, how your day was going… you know, stuff like that._"

Ulquiorra held the phone away, gave it a puzzled look, then realized that she wouldn't be able to see it and brought it back to his ear. "Ah." This was followed by a silence, which he assumed was due to the woman eating between sentences.

"_So_," Orihime began, and sure enough, her mouth sounded a bit full, "_how _is _your day going_?"

Ulquiorra watched an ant march past his foot, unsure of how he was supposed to answer such a question. He settled for, "Slowly." That seemed reasonable enough. Time had a tendency to drag when one focused on it.

"_Ugh, same here! Not that I don't like helping people who need it, just… These three other senior girls were spreading some rumor about me and Tatsuki-chan wanted to go clear it up – and when she says 'clear it up' she means 'beat them up,' so I had to stop her, and it was a bit tiring._"

"A rumor," Ulquiorra echoed, remembering a book he had read in the library about females and relational aggression. "They were attacking you. Why?"

"_Beats me. I don't even know them! The whole thing was silly, and anyway, it's not the first time I've been bullied so it didn't bother me. What's going on at work? Is Urahara-san behaving? Is Yoruichi-san there? How are Tessai-san and the kids?_"

"Last I saw, the fool and the cat were murmuring endearments to each other in the office. The others are neglecting their duties in front of the store."

"_Whaaat? You're the only one working? That's not fair!_"

"Technically, I am not working either."

"_Then what happens if you guys get a customer?_"

"We will resolve the issue when it comes." He noticed that she was giggling, and had the odd reaction of frowning despite the fact that her laughter elevated his mood. "Have I said something humorous, woman?"

"_You said '_we_ will resolve the issue,' like you're part of the team. Know what I think?_" she asked, and he gave no reply, "_I think you like being in groups._"

"From where do you draw that assumption?"

"_You were part of the Espada, even though you didn't seem to like them all very much. And even though you tend to pull faces, you hang out with me and my friends._"

"I do not pull faces."

"_You pull faces, Ulquiorra-kun. When you're mad or annoyed you get these creases below your eyes, and when you're disgusted or disapprove of something you scowl. But when you're happy you look very relaxed!" _ She giggled again. He made no effort to defend himself. "_If you didn't have such an advantage over normal people, I'd say you should go out for sports. Competing is fun, right_?"

"What is the purpose of competing with anyone over a shining statue? One could even call it a form of idolatry."

"_Hmm… I never thought of it that way." _Orihime sighed. "_You're so smart. Can I have your brain_?"

Ulquiorra's eyes widened in slight alarm. "No," he said quickly, closing his mouth before he could voice the rest of his thought: _Do not ever become anyone else._

"_I didn't mean it literally! But I could sure use smarts like yours. Then maybe I could finally beat Ishida-kun for number one in the class!_" She let out what Ulquiorra figured was supposed to be an evil laugh; it sounded more like that Santa Claus character that human children worshipped. "_See? Competition is about reputation too! Or, just for fun. Doesn't have to be about survival in this world. If you don't want the trophy itself, then replace it in your mind with something that you _do _want. Like an enormous cake, or a box of donuts_."

Ulquiorra could only think of one thing that he wanted; the desire that haunted him every once in a while. He recalled the night at the beach, how close he'd been to stealing a kiss from the lips currently forming Orihime's words. "I see no fun in competition," he said, "for I seem to lose my patience far too quickly these days."

"_Really? – Oh! I gotta go! I promised sensei I'd come in early and help design a study guide for makeup exams. I'll see you at home, okay?_"

Ulquiorra nodded, forgetting again that she wouldn't be able to hear the gesture.

"_And, Ulquiorra-kun, there's nothing wrong with wanting to be around other people. We need each other; it's perfectly human, 'kay? Have fun at work!_"

The line clicked, and Ulquiorra snapped his phone shut, staring at the display screen. His first social phone call. As usual, he had a lot to process after talking to the woman. She'd been bullied, questioned the fairness of him having to work while the others goofed off – a show of concern, picked up on things he hadn't even been aware of.

Come to think of it, he'd never really asked her what she thought of him, save for the time on the dome. How strange, this human state of "being self-conscious." She did not fear him, which consequently meant that she was not disgusted by him. She had her own ideas about his personality, whereas he had never given it much thought before.

He walked into the store, past Jinta, who was being scolded by Tessai for something he had done to Ururu. The middle school girl herself was tending to the cash register, looking gloomier than usual.

It took only a few customer-less minutes for Ulquiorra's curiosity to get the best of him. "What do you think of me, girl?" he asked the unsuspecting cashier. "Am I frightening?"

Ururu's mouth and eyes grew slowly wider, and without meaning to she pressed the button that opened the register drawer, which had always been faulty and therefore launched out and hit the back wall, candy and change falling all over the floor. "Wh-wh-wh-wh-wha…" she stuttered, her face flaming. "What d-do I th-th-thi…"

Urahara poked his head into the back area, fan covering his mouth. "Is everything alright in here?"

"…think o-of…"

"No, everything is not alright. This machine is defective." Ulquiorra pointed to the register. "Please buy another, because next time it hits me in the stomach I will not be so forgiving."

He supposed it was no use asking the girl; she'd always seemed frightened of him, though he could not fathom why.

**/TBC/**


	38. Awkward!

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Bleach or any other copyrighted material.

**Tell Yourself**

**By: Princess Kitty1**

**Awkward!**

It was a perfectly normal September afternoon. School was back in session, summer was getting its last few kicks before being completely overtaken by the cold, and the green leaves were beginning to show their first signs of yellowing.

Likewise, the citizens of Karakura Town were engaged in their usual start-of-autumn activities. Kon had snuck into a toy store display window and was relishing the sight of the skirt-clad, beach-tanned beauties passing by. Ichigo was in class, ignoring Keigo's constant "pssts!" because he refused to get in trouble for something undoubtedly stupid. Next to him, Rukia, who still somewhat oblivious to school customs, was being just as loud. "_Ichigo! Hey, Ichigo! I think Keigo wants to tell you something!_" When she got no response, she wadded up a piece of notebook paper and tossed it at his head. "_Didn't you hear me_?"

In another classroom Uryuu was diligently taking notes. He hid a yawn behind his free hand, not wanting to look bored but unable to help it; his father had kept him up half the night testing his newest Quincy bow. "_You never know when that pet experiment of Soul Society's will decide to revolt_," was Ryuuken's reason. Uryuu sighed. If Ulquiorra was going to turn on them, he'd have done it –

A shriek caused him and everyone else in class to jump, wide awake. Their instructor gasped, putting too much pressure on the chalk so that it broke in half and hit him in the glasses. But the shriek continued a while longer, ending with a horror-stricken "Oh _God_!" as Orihime Inoue buried her crimson-shaded face in her hands.

For at that moment, completely out of the blue, she'd recalled a dream that she'd had a few months earlier. A dream in which she was a princess and Ulquiorra was speaking Spanish that she'd somehow understood.

A dream that had ended with her confessing love to him.

…

The apartment's front door creaked open slowly that evening. A moment later, Orihime's leg slipped through the crack, followed by an arm. Then there was a bit of a struggle with her chest, which ended in her losing her grip on the door and falling face-first into the living room. She army-crawled until the rest of her body was safely inside, kicked the door shut behind her, and scrambled back to her feet with a sigh.

Only to scream when her eyes landed on Ulquiorra, who was staring at her from the kitchen.

"Welcome back," he said slowly.

"Ulquiorra-kun! Hey! W-What are you doing in the kitchen?" Orihime asked, her arms flailing.

Ulquiorra felt exhaustion creeping in. It wasn't that he hated the woman's antics; they simply tired him out. Therefore his body had grown accustomed to becoming drained of energy the moment she started acting stranger than usual. In answer to her question he replied, "Making dinner." He made dinner almost every night. Had she forgotten that?

"For both of us?"

He stared blankly at the portions. It was enough for three, because the woman had the appetite of a cow. "Yes."

Orihime laughed – an odd, shrill sound. "You didn't have to do that!" she cried with an exaggerated 'pfft' and a slicing of the air with her arm. "I could've made my own dinner!"

Ulquiorra considered this. The few dishes she had to prepare said dinner with were dirty because he'd been using them. Furthermore there was no point in preparing an identical meal separately, especially if she was tired from her job at the bakery. Finally, if he let her have free reign in the kitchen, she would undoubtedly throw together some toxic concoction that'd have her dying of food poisoning, choking on her vomit in her sleep or dehydrating over the toilet bowl. And Ulquiorra didn't want her to die. "I do not mind," he said finally.

Then it occurred to him that, considering her clumsiness and odd questions, she might have fallen and hit her head on the way home. He abandoned the food and approached her. "Are you alright?"

Orihime backed away, bumping into the window and upsetting the blinds. "I'm fine!" she yelled in a completely unconvincing manner.

He stopped walking. Her retreat and defensive posture had made him uncertain. "You did not have any accidents after departing from work? No trauma to the skull?"

"That's kind of a rude question, isn't it!" Orihime giggled, and couldn't stop giggling, though her lips were pulled back in a grimace and her eyes were wide. She needed an escape. "I'm going to wash up for dinner! And change out of this uniform – don't come into the bathroom!" And with that she ran past him and into the safety of the hallway, where darkness could cover her humiliated expression.

Ulquiorra lingered in the living room. His hands slipped into his pockets, his tiredness forgotten. Something had changed the way the woman acted around him… and when he found out who'd said what, there was going to be hell to pay.

…

After an interesting night filled with Orihime's sleep talking and high-pitched whines, Ulquiorra decided to put his lunch break to good use by visiting the local high school. This time, it was Tatsuki who ended up screaming in class when she turned her head and found Ulquiorra hovering outside of the window, glaring at her. The teacher jumped, threw down the book from which he was reading and pointed out into the hallway – it appeared that he hadn't quite recovered from Orihime's outburst the day before.

Tatsuki hurriedly left the room and closed the door. She was about to check to see if there was no one around so she could sneak away to talk to Ulquiorra, but upon turning she found herself staring right at him. "Oh! God!" She gave his shoulder a hard shove, only to succeed in bruising her palm. "Don't _do _that, Ulquiorra!" she hissed, dragging him away from the door. "What is it?"

"I want to know what was said to the woman yesterday to make her so _tense_, for lack of a more accurate term."

"What are you talking about?" Tatsuki rubbed her sore hand. Wasn't he human now? What the hell was he made of?

"When she arrived back at the apartment, she acted very strangely toward me. Asking obvious questions, offering suggestions that had no practical value…"

"Doesn't she do that every day?"

"It is rude to interrupt someone, regardless of how right you are." Ulquiorra ignored the even ruder gesture that she flashed at him. "I thought that she might have had an accident and suffered a blow to the head on the way home. When I approached her, however, she distanced herself from me; almost as if she were afraid."

Tatsuki frowned. "No offense, dude, but you're kind of a scary guy."

"Orihime Inoue is not afraid of me," Ulquiorra snapped with such conviction that Tatsuki was taken aback.

"A-Alright, calm down. I'll talk to her for you." She crossed her arms. "Now is there something else you'd like to say to me?"

Ulquiorra scowled. "Thank you."

"I meant for getting me kicked out of class."

He turned to leave. "You should learn to express your surprise a bit quieter."

"Asshole."

"Trash."

…

It probably wasn't a good idea for Ulquiorra to wander through the school unsupervised, uniformless and "tattooed." Luckily he found Uryuu Ishida alone in the room where the student council would be meeting next period. He slipped in quietly, right as a group of girls rounded into the now empty hallway where he had once been. Crisis averted.

"Shouldn't you be at work?" Uryuu asked, not at all surprised to see Ulquiorra there. He figured that if there was something wrong with Orihime, the former Espada would blame everyone else before he thought to blame himself.

"I am on a break," Ulquiorra replied curtly.

"Hmm. Well I doubt you're here to learn about Japanese education, so this must be about Inoue-san. As far as I know nothing was done _to _her. We were merely in class when suddenly she started screaming, hid her face in what I could only guess was shame, and then got kicked out of the classroom. She was very distracted after that." He had the advantage of knowing that Ulquiorra wasn't very conversational; give him what he wanted and he'd leave.

"Do you suppose she could have had a seizure?"

"You should take her to the hospital and find out. I'm sure Ryuuken would come down personally for the opportunity to give both of you an MRI."

"Your sense of humor is as dry as the sands of Hueco Mundo."

"At least I've got one."

…

"So…" It was lunch period when Tatsuki finally got a chance to sit down with Orihime. She'd noticed immediately how distracted her best friend was, periodically shaking her head and having more clumsy moments than usual; no wonder Ulquiorra had been worried. They sat beneath Orihime's favorite tree in the courtyard. Hopefully that would pacify her enough to talk. "What's new?"

Orihime flipped open the lid of her bento. "Nothing's _new_."

"What was all the screaming about, then?"

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Yesterday. Ishida said you got kicked out of class because you'd freaked and started shouting at the top of your lungs." Tatsuki shrugged. "Not to mention, we heard it from our classroom."

Orihime covered her mouth with her hand. "Was I that loud?"

"Loud enough to send Chizuru's mind straight to the gutter."

She sighed, dropped her hand and picked at her bento. She could tell Tatsuki, right? Of course she could! Tatsuki was her best friend! She'd understand. "It's just that yesterday when I was taking notes, I remembered this really weird dream that I'd had a few months ago. I was a princess, and there was this war and Ulquiorra-kun was speaking Spanish and I was shooting notebooks out of the sky with protractors."

Tatsuki wasn't sure she wanted to know anymore. "And that made you scream?"

"No! No, see, at the end of the dream," Orihime began squirming, then abruptly shoveled a load of food into her mouth. "At vee env ov uh reem…" She swallowed hard. "Ulquiorra-kun betrayed me. And I was so upset and asking him why he'd do that for a father who'd never cared about him, and he said something in Spanish and, I told him…"

"You told him…"

Orihime covered her face, shook her head furiously, then peered out at Tatsuki from between her fingers. "I told him that I loved him," she squeaked. Judging by how large her best friend's eyes became, the news was more or less as embarrassing as she'd feared it would be. "And now I can't even _look _at him!"

"Orihime!" Tatsuki cried, her heart beginning to pound. Was it happening at last? Was she witnessing the birth of Orihime's feelings for Ulquiorra? Did she need to call Rukia to the scene?

"I'm such a horrible person, dreaming something like that!" Orihime said in an anguished voice. "It'd be one thing if it was true, but now I feel like I've lied to him! Though I guess it's fair because he betrayed me in the dream."

A needle went into Tatsuki's hot air balloon of hope. "So you _don't _have feelings for Ulquiorra?"

"How could I have feelings for anyone? I just got over Kurosaki-kun!" Orihime whispered.

And there went the balloon, crashing and burning against the mountainside of Ulquiorra's despair. Tatsuki sighed. "Listen, I think you should tell him anyway. He, err… sent me a text earlier, asking if something had happened to you. Seemed worried."

"Really?"

"Yeah. Besides, you know Ulquiorra! I doubt he'd be offended. Heck, he'll probably just say that dreams are as much bologna as horoscopes."

Orihime blinked. "But he used to think that horoscopes were real until I told him they weren't."

"Then explain that to him too!"

…

Ulquiorra had reluctantly returned to work at the end of his break, and was promptly condemned to the warehouse because his bad attitude was scaring away customers. He wasn't expecting anything after his visit to the school. All it had done was make it apparent that he needed to wait until the woman was ready to talk about whatever was bothering her. In the mean time he would take advantage of his humanity and consider every worst possible scenario.

"Cifer-kun," Urahara trilled from the store, "you have company!"

Ulquiorra sighed. The buffoon had become more daring lately – he'd have to correct that. Putting aside the inventory checklist he made his way into the store, down the administrative hallway (as the buffoon liked to call it), and into the register area.

Orihime stood at the counter, bantering with Yoruichi and Kisuke. She saw Ulquiorra and her mouth screwed shut immediately.

"Look! Inoue-san decided to grace us with her presence on her way to work!" Urahara said, noticing Ururu watching the older girl enviously from behind a stack of merchandise.

Ulquiorra effectively tuned out everyone else in the room. "Did you need something?"

Orihime inhaled deeply. "I wanted to explain my behavior yesterday. See, a few months ago I had this dream – and now that I think about it you woke me up from it because I'd been talking in my sleep and I fully apologize for disturbing you but anyway – it was totally bizarre. And you were speaking Spanish! Remember I told you that? Right, but at the end of the dream which had slipped my mind, I – or I should say, my character – told you – or I should say _your _character – that I was in love with you. Which is really weird. So I started freaking out yesterday and must have upset you if you talked to Tatsuki-chan about it… Uh, I guess I just wanted to apologize because I don't believe in being dishonest, even if it _is_ in dreams," she finished in a rush of air.

Ulquiorra stared at her.

Orihime breathed in again, a huge smile on her face. "There! I feel much better!" She dug into her schoolbag for her phone and checked the time. "Oh, gotta run before I'm late. I'll bring some bread and some leftover cake home from work. See ya at dinnertime!"

Ulquiorra watched her skip away, out the door, humming a spirited tune as she disappeared down the street. Urahara cringed behind his fan. Yoruichi and Ururu looked at Ulquiorra expectantly. After some time he leaned over and opened the entrance into the secret training ground beneath the shop. "Going somewhere?" Kisuke asked.

"To pick a fight with Grimmjow," Ulquiorra replied, shutting the entrance behind him.

Urahara shook his head sadly. "Poor guy."

"What? Does he _really _have feelings for Orihime?" Yoruichi asked incredulously.

"You mean you haven't noticed it yet? My dear, you _must _pay more attention."

**/TBC/**


	39. Bad Behavior

**A/N: **Happy birthday Orihime! A _Tell Yourself_ chapter for the occasion!

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach or any other copyrighted material.

**Tell Yourself**

**By: Princess Kitty1**

**Bad Behavior**

On a sunny afternoon in Soul Society, all hell broke loose.

If one were standing around in the slums, they would have perhaps wondered at the distant booms shaking their tenements, issuing from beyond gates they were prohibited from entering. If one had been looking towards shinigami territory, they might have seen a column of smoke rising from the east end.

Of course, if one was a shinigami, they would probably have been sprinting towards the cause of the smoke and explosions, no matter how terrified of Ulquiorra Cifer they happened to be.

"_After him!"_

"_Don't let him get away!"_

Ulquiorra, tuning out the orders being thrown over his head, pointed a finger behind him and launched a bala in no particular direction. The goal wasn't to hurt them, they knew that. All of this could have been avoided if they had just let him stayed home that day. Unfortunately, shinigami were punctual creatures, even if they had no regard for anyone else's engagements.

What was the use of behavioral assessments anyway? He wasn't like Wonderweiss or that beastly thing that Harribel's fraccion used as a weapon. No, he could be spoken to, reasoned with – a perfectly rational creature.

Today excluded.

He rounded a corner, expecting another throng of shinigami that could be outrun or outwitted. Who he found standing alone in the alley was twice as disdainful.

"You're aware that the point of a behavioral assessment is to behave, aren't ya?" Captain Shinji Hirako, blade drawn and pointed in Ulquiorra's direction, sent his opponent a toothy grin. Ulquiorra said nothing in response and turned to run. He stopped. The world had flipped on its head, sky and pathways, buildings and all. "Sorry!" Shinji laughed, "If you want to make a clean getaway, you'll have to fight me."

Outside the walls, curious Soul Society residents leapt in surprise at a bright green flash, which was followed by a rush of wind and the delayed sound of an explosion.

Momo found her new captain half-buried in a wall, blood trickling from a cut on his forehead. "Oh!" She sheathed her blade and reached forward to help dig him out. "Captain Hirako! Are you alright?"

"What the _hell _is that guy's problem?" Shinji cried, brushing debris off of his uniform. "Listen Momo, tell them to send Captain Hitsugaya after the fugitive. In his humanized state the effort it took him to do this much to me might have tired him out enough for capture."

"Yes sir!"

Meanwhile, the fugitive in question had dropped into the sewer system beneath his enemies. It didn't seem likely that they would find him there. He started walking, but almost immediately his legs buckled. "Damn it," he muttered, catching himself on the wall and lowering into a sitting position. His lungs strained to keep up with his throbbing heart, his muscles ached and his legs were shaking.

Was this human body of his really so weak? No. He tried to keep himself healthy. He simply could not fight and run like he used to, especially when his opponents were shinigami captains. But if Ichigo Kurosaki's heart had propelled him through Soul Society and Hueco Mundo, then the heart beating in Ulquiorra Cifer's chest could certainly manage one lousy escape.

Death was not allowed. Not until he'd gotten home, anyway.

After he had caught his breath, he pulled himself up and started walking again. He needed to get past the gates. Once out there he could use whatever strength he had left to open a garganta, and that meant freedom. Home. The woman.

…

Orihime sat at the table in her living room, her chin resting on its cool surface, her bottom lip forming a perfect pout. She'd perfected that pout in her younger years in order to get Sora to let her have a little more dessert after dinner, or more television time. But there was no one around to witness her pout, save for her shun shun rikka, and they were in no position to help her.

She sighed and checked the hour on her cell phone. What could be taking them so long? Ulquiorra's behavioral assessments were often done before dinner, and she'd put the leftovers in the fridge almost two hours ago. "I hope they aren't giving him a hard time..."

…

Food would have been nice. Even something made by the woman would have satisfied Ulquiorra at the moment, and that spoke volumes of his desperation. His thoughts of food were cut short by the need to dodge a stream of ice that had shot at him like a striking serpent.

"Stop!" Captain Hitsugaya had spotted the fugitive emerging from the sewers, and between him and Matsumoto, Ulquiorra was almost cornered. He was still able to move faster than they'd hoped, but they saw in the way he searched quickly around him that he was running out of options. One good hit and the pursuit would be over.

Rangiku jumped out of the path of a bala thrown at her when she tried to step closer. "Geez! What's gotten into you?" She may not have known Ulquiorra well, but even she knew that this behavior was out of character for him. He wouldn't have done anything that could possibly upset Orihime. "Oh!" she cried, as a few other captains and their lieutenants arrived to assist. "Captain, you got this? I need to make a phone c all."

"Matsumoto, now really isn't a good time!"

Rukia perched on the roof behind Ulquiorra, ready to help Hitsugaya with the capture. "Please don't take this personally," she said when he glared at her over his shoulder.

"Hello? Orihime! Yeah, I'm fine! How are you?"

Ulquiorra turned to Matsumoto, lifting a finger to blow the phone out of her hands. There was no way in hell he was going to let her tell the woman about his conduct. But his arm was rapidly encased in ice, which he also felt creeping up his legs.

Rangiku laughed. "No! Everything's fine! I just wanted to say hi on your big day!"

The captains were advancing on Ulquiorra, but Rukia had overheard Rangiku. She gasped, retracted her blade, and began flailing her arms at the others. "Stop! Get away from him!"

It was too late. Another bright green flash blinded half of Soul Society as Ulquiorra blasted his way through the ice. The shinigami cringed and shielded themselves. Ulquiorra made a break for it. He gathered up all the energy he had and burst into a full speed sprint, clearing the distance between himself and the gate in seconds. Jidanbo was so surprised by the velocity of the former arrancar that he barely had time to let down the gate.

Ulquiorra dove beneath it, narrowly avoiding having both his legs crushed as the wall fell between him and the shinigami. He allowed himself one triumphant smirk before his human body succumbed to the strain of his escape.

…

It was over. He'd burst from the heart of the Fourth Division, fought his way through grunts and captains alike, and made it past the gate guardian… for nothing. Surely he was restrained in Mayuri's lab somewhere; he couldn't move, and it was quiet around him save for a droning hum.

The strange thing was that the spiritual pressures of all the shinigami had disappeared. In fact, there was only one presence nearby. Back in Hueco Mundo he had realized that this presence was vital to his peace of mind. The lack of it made his behavioral assessments particularly intolerable, and he was always glad to come home to it.

"Ulquiorra-kun? Are you awake?"

He made a noise of affirmation, and basked in that presence which surrounded and restored his injured limbs.

"You were a bit of a mess when you came home. Did Kenpachi-san challenge you to a fight again? Really, you'd think he would know better! But Kenpachi-san is like that, I guess. Oh, Kuchiki-san called. She said that you'd passed most of your behavioral assessment, but they were going to – what were the words… ah, indefinitely postpone the last part. Something about damage to their facilities."

Ulquiorra's eyes opened. He was home. The droning he'd heard belonged to the dishwasher, and he was stretched out on the sofa being worked upon by the shun shun rikka. Orihime knelt on the floor by his side, smiling contentedly. "Welcome back," she said, and Ulquiorra was relieved that the physical exhaustion was there to prevent him from doing something very forward.

Instead, he settled for a familiar act, seeking her hand out with his. Orihime took notice and offered her hand to him. Ulquiorra closed his fingers over hers, satisfied, then looked her in the eye. "Happy birthday."

Orihime felt her heart give an odd little flutter. Her smile broadened. "Thank you."

Ulquiorra would have gone to sleep content with that much, had it not dawned on him, that thanks to Soul Society, he hadn't had time to buy her a gift.

He wished he'd wreaked a little more havoc before leaving.

**/TBC/**


	40. First Date

**A/N: **Happy birthday Ulquiorra! It pains me that you are dead while everyone and their dog is coming back. I miss your furry bat booty, and as much fun as it is to torture you, it would be so much better coming from Kubo-sensei.

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach, Regina Spektor's "On the Radio" or any other copyrighted material. In celebration of Ulquiorra's birthday, a long chapter today!

**Tell Yourself**

**By: Princess Kitty1**

**First Date**

"_And then you take that love you made, and stick it into some-someone else's heart, pumping someone else's blood."_

"Nice work, Arisawa!"

It was late afternoon, and Tatsuki was in the middle of soccer practice. A group of freshman girls was cheering for her on the sidelines, which made her blush, though not half as much as the fact that a certain handsome senior from the boy's team was jogging over to meet her. She grabbed her water bottle and tried to act casual. "Hey Arisawa," he greeted her.

"Hey!" she croaked, turned twice as red, and lifted the water bottle to her mouth. "What's up?"

His gaze sort of shifted past her. "Uh, the other guys elected me to, umm, come tell you that there's…" He leaned closer to her, sending Tatsuki's heart into her throat. "There's this creepy tattooed guy over there that's been staring at you for the past half-hour."

Tatsuki frowned, looked behind her and immediately spit her water out. It was none other than Ulquiorra, dressed in his work clothes, glaring at her from beyond the fence. She wiped her mouth, too bewildered to be humiliated. "Excuse me for a second. He's a foreign exchange student that my family's hosting from some village in Eastern Europe, and he doesn't really know… I-I'll be right back."

She ran over to the fence, yelling the few foreign words she knew and hoping that whatever wild gossip was birthed from this wouldn't affect her chances with her crush. "_What_?" she snarled at Ulquiorra.

"What do I get the woman for her birthday?"

The question threw Tatsuki's anger to the side. "Are you serious? Her birthday already passed, you know."

"I am aware," Ulquiorra confirmed.

"And you're asking for help. You're asking_ me _for help." It was so hard to believe that she was half-convinced she'd taken a soccer ball to the head.

"You are mocking me."

"Trust me, you'd know it if I was mocking you." Tatsuki leaned back against the fence and crossed her arms, thinking. Orihime had been swamped with birthday presents from both friends and admiring underclassmen alike – hell, even that pesky neighbor kid of hers had given her something. Ulquiorra had CDs and sewing kits, candies and stuffed animals to compete with.

Then Tatsuki remembered what Orihime had said the day after her birthday: _Too bad Ulquiorra-kun was in Soul Society most of the day._ A devilish grin spread across her face, hidden from Ulquiorra's view. "Hmm… I don't know. She got some _pretty awesome presents_."

"Now you are mocking me."

She whipped around, grabbing the chain-link fence and putting on her most serious expression. "This calls for drastic measures. Cifer, you're going to have to take her on a date."

Her declaration was followed by a lengthy pause, during which she convinced herself that she'd broken the socially handicapped arrancar. Ulquiorra stared at her, unmoving, saying nothing. Tatsuki became aware that her teammates were watching them. Finally, Ulquiorra managed an intelligent response. "Huh?"

"You were gone for like the whole chunk of her birthday, right? Remedy this with a date. Ask her where she wants to go, take her there, and give her everything she asks for."

Ulquiorra appeared to consider the suggestion. That, or he had gone brain dead. Tatsuki was still having difficulties deciphering his vast array of seemingly blank expressions. "Couples go on dates. The woman and I are not romantically involved."

"That's not the point! Look, Orihime _likes_ spending time with you, though I can't fathom why. If you devote an entire day to her, it'll mean much more than teddy bears and singing greeting cards. You'll have bested Ichigo, Ishida-san, and that annoying kid that always calls you uncle even though you're younger than that… I think. How old are you, anyway?"

"I will take the woman on a date," Ulquiorra said with little conviction.

"Atta boy."

…

"So then Ishida-kun and Kurosaki-kun started fighting _again_, and Rukia-chan commented that if they bickered anymore violently, she would start to suspect that Ishida-kun was out to steal her boyfriend. They started screaming in disgust, we all thought it was hilarious. Personally I think they would make a cute couple, but that's weird to say, isn't it? They'd probably get mad at me if I told them that, so I just didn't say anything. Besides, it would give Chizuru-chan ideas about the two of us, and no offense to her, but she's a little too forward for me." Orihime worried her bottom lip thoughtfully, then noticed that Ulquiorra had barely touched his dinner. He seemed to have been chewing the same bite for the past two minutes. "Are you feeling alright, Ulquiorra-kun?"

Ulquiorra swallowed. Better he get on with the question than lie to her and say he was fine, when he felt like someone was punching his stomach from the inside. "Would you want to do something together on Sunday?"

Orihime talked around a mouthful of food. "Like watch Disney movies?"

"If that's what you want."

She chewed, picked up her next bite, and realized Ulquiorra was gazing at her very intently. "Did _you _want to do something on Sunday?"

How was he supposed to respond to that? If he said no, she would think he was saying he wanted to stay home. If he said yes, she would think he was saying he wanted to go somewhere in particular. His eyes flickered to his bowl, searching for an answer among grains of rice. Luckily, Orihime was quicker on the draw. "Oh! You know that superhero movie that just came out? I want to see that! We should go to the theater! And after that we can go to that new café that just opened in the shopping district – they draw things in the drinks! Isn't that cool?"

Ulquiorra exhaled, relieved. "We will go to the theater, then." And he was so pleased with the arrangement that he had a harder time than usual following her thought train.

…

Sunday came at last, and the afternoon found them stepping off of the train and into a crowd of shoppers. Orihime was immediately drawn to storefronts, admiring the mannequins dressed in new autumn apparel. Ulquiorra lingered somewhat behind, and cast wary glances around him. He'd woken up with a bad feeling that morning, one that he couldn't identify. It could have been nervousness. It could have been foreboding. Regardless, he was convinced that _something _was out to ruin his day.

So he'd called in a favor.

"Why did it have to be us?" Yoruichi asked Kisuke, as the two of them sat on a bench out of sight of Ulquiorra and Orihime. Kisuke faked a yawn and draped an arm across her shoulders. She rolled her eyes.

"Because we're the most capable, Yoruichi! And I may or may not have done something to royally piss him off the other day," he replied. "He agreed not to lay waste to my store if you and I accepted this mission."

"Which is…?"

"Keep an eye out for any of Inoue-san's acquaintances, and forcibly remove them from the area if spotted."

"Ulquiorra's a paranoid guy, huh?"

"It comes with being human."

Ulquiorra spotted Kisuke and Yoruichi and allowed himself to relax. Between the two of them, they could have fought off a few Espada, so anything less wouldn't be a problem. He turned his attention back to Orihime, who was frowning at a set of sake cups and wondering if they would make a good birthday present for Rangiku.

"She likes drinking, but I'm not sure if I should encourage… oh well! I'll come back for them later." She looked at Ulquiorra. "Is there anything you wanted to do before the movie? We have an hour." He was about to say no when a nearby used bookstore caught his eye. The half-second hesitation was all Orihime needed. "Books! You like books!" She grabbed his arm and pulled him into the store.

The moment they disappeared from view, the sky above began to ripple. A garganta was opening. Urahara and Yoruichi looked up at it in time to see Grimmjow Jaegerjaques drop down, landing nimbly a few feet away from them, unnoticed by pedestrians. "Where is that asshole?"

Kisuke cleared his throat loudly. Grimmjow gave them an annoyed look. "Can we help you, Espada-san?"

"Ulquiorra's around here somewhere. I can sense that queer human-ish presence of his." He paused, reached into his pocket and withdrew Nel, who had been mummified in cloth, her eyes and nose the only parts of her showing. "Oh yeah, can you do something about her? She turned into a brat again."

He threw Nel at them with little interest in whether or not she landed safely. Yoruichi caught the bundled girl and got to work untangling her, while Kisuke put out his cane to stop Grimmjow from going anywhere. "Ulquiorra is busy right now. What do you need?"

"We found a weird thorny bush!" Nel said when her mouth was freed. "He's been around longer than us, so we thought maybe he knows something about it."

"And I still need to kick his ass for attacking me a few weeks ago!" Grimmjow barked, shoving Urahara's cane away. "Where is he? I'll see how he likes it when people sneak up on him!"

Inside the bookstore, several people jumped at the sound of an explosion. Orihime was unbothered, having sensed Grimmjow's arrival and assumed he was there to fight Ichigo. Ulquiorra remained tense until the presence of the arrancar had been removed, flipping through the pages of a book without seeing them.

Orihime plucked a volume from the history section. "Ooh, look at this. It's a firsthand account of the Hiroshima bombing. Have you read this one yet?" She knew that Ulquiorra was drawn to human history, though he'd never admit to liking it.

And Ulquiorra was once again struck by just how much she knew about him – he'd never thought himself transparent until he'd started living with her. It vexed him that more than a year later, he hadn't even been able to figure out what to buy her for her birthday. He followed her further into the store, watching her scan the shelves and point to things she thought he might be interested in, and became determined to fix this. "What sort of books do you like?" he asked.

"Me?" Orihime stopped, her face reddening. "Umm, not romance novels, if that's what you're thinking!"

She was lying. Ulquiorra would have called her out on it if he hadn't found her embarrassment so oddly endearing. "I do like action novels. Spies and secret agents, ninja stuff… I also really like children's books. It makes me happy, thinking of what they might be learning. And craft books – you know the one Tatsuki-chan got me for my birthday?"

"You're in the sewing club," he said, glad that he knew that much.

"Yeah! Ishida-kun is totally better than me, but he says my creations are more unique. I think he's just trying to cheer me up though."

Ulquiorra looked away. "You are good at putting things back together."

"Really?" Orihime's cheeks flushed with pleasure. Ulquiorra pretended to be interested in a book about gardening.

They ended up buying nothing, and left the bookstore with twenty minutes to spare until the movie began. Neither Kisuke nor Yoruichi were anywhere nearby, but Grimmjow hadn't returned, so Ulquiorra guessed that things were under control. They walked to the movie theater, which was, for whatever reason full of couples. Orihime didn't seem to notice that every other pair in line was holding hands. Ulquiorra mentally cursed them for it.

Unfortunately, he was so preoccupied with the palpable level of romance in the air, that he didn't see someone who had escaped Urahara and Yoruichi's blockade until it was too late. "Cifer-san?" Both he and Orihime turned their heads. It was Rina, the freckled librarian. _Of all the people in this wretched world_, Ulquiorra thought, narrowing his eyes in the hopes that intimidation would send her running.

No luck. She moved out of the way of an oncoming crowd, which only pushed her closer to them. "Long time no see, Cifer-san! We were beginning to think something had happened to you!"

Orihime smiled at him. "Friend of yours?"

"She's a librarian," Ulquiorra replied.

"Cifer-san used to come in all the time." Rina bowed to Orihime in greeting. "You must be his girlfriend, then! Coming to watch that new romantic comedy?"

Ulquiorra's homicidal urges were reawakening, and he wondered how angry Soul Society would be if he killed this human. "Oh, I'm not his girlfriend," Orihime corrected her. "We're here for the superhero movie."

"Eh? You two aren't together?" Rina was apparently unaware of the fact that she was being nosy. "But Cifer-san was reading all of those love stories…"

"The line is moving, woman," Ulquiorra cut in, and walked off without waiting for either of them to finish talking.

Orihime bowed apologetically to the librarian. "Err, sorry, can't hold up the line. It was nice meeting you!" She caught up with Ulquiorra, who was fishing bills out of his wallet to pay for the movie tickets, though they'd yet to reach the front of the line. "She seemed nice," Orihime commented, "but I guess you don't like her much, huh?"

Ulquiorra said nothing. She took that as confirmation of the fact.

The person at the front of the line was taking their time negotiating with the cashier. Orihime tugged idly on her purse strap. "Were you really reading love stories at the library?" she asked.

Ulquiorra prayed for some sort of cosmic event to occur that would interrupt this moment and delay the need for his response. Alas, the fates hated him as much as he hated them, and the silence was becoming awkward. "Yes."

He waited. Soon the questions would begin. Why had he been reading love stories? Why the interest in love? Why had he asked her out on a weekend? "Why…" Orihime frowned. "Why didn't you tell me?" she cried, moving in front of him. "I could have recommended a bunch of love stories! All of my favorites – and the Disney movies are chock full of romance!"

Ulquiorra stared at her blankly. "Huh?" She wasn't the least bit curious about anything else?

Orihime rolled her eyes. "I get it, Ulquiorra-kun. Love is a very powerful, very human emotion. You wanted to learn more about it, right? It's totally normal! I still don't understand everything about love myself. Then again, nobody does." She hooked her arm through his as they moved closer to the front of the line. "Love's different for each person, too, so that doesn't help. It makes you happy, makes you miserable, makes everyone around you miserable, you never know who you're going to fall in love with or why – unless you try super hard to fall in love with one particular person, and I don't recommend that because they could be _so _wrong for you."

She paused, looking up at him again. "You weren't embarrassed, were you?"

"A little," Ulquiorra admitted. He had largely been terrified of her discovering his motives, but it seemed that the idea that he could be in love with her hadn't even crossed her mind.

"Come on!" Orihime bumped her shoulder against his. "You know you can tell me anything." She snapped her fingers. "This changes everything! Let's watch the romantic comedy instead!"

"You wanted to see the superhero movie."

"Nah, I've had enough of superheroes. This'll be way more fun!"

…

The romantic comedy was shorter than the superhero movie, and Orihime provided comments on what the male lead was doing wrong in his attempts to win the girl over. She said that she'd once seen a soap opera where the main character had kidnapped the girl of his dreams, and had laughed at how unrealistic it was – then quickly added that their situation was completely different.

From there they went to the café. Orihime, delighted with the drinks and the atmosphere, was the picture of happiness. Ulquiorra couldn't take his eyes off of her. He didn't even realize that he was smiling until she stopped midsentence and pointed it out. "Did I say something funny?" she asked.

Ulquiorra shook his head and picked up his mug. He sat in silence, content to listen to her talk.

"Well I'll be damned! He's smiling," Yoruichi said to Kisuke. They were loitering outside of the café, standing in front of a trash can.

"What? Ulquiorra-sama never smiles! Let me see!" Nel cried, shifting in Yoruichi's arms. She let out an exaggerated gasp. "No. Way."

A groan came from the waste bin. Urahara whacked it with his cane. "Quiet, Espada-san. I'll let you out in a few minutes."

**/TBC/**


	41. Nakama

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Bleach or any other copyrighted material.

**Tell Yourself**

**By: Princess Kitty1**

**Nakama**

"I have to disagree with you there, Urahara-san," Orihime was saying to the shopkeeper. It was a Tuesday afternoon, and with no work to go to that evening she'd come straight to the store after school. Ulquiorra's shift was almost finished; she thought he enjoyed walking home with her, but she could never be sure. "Peanut butter is delicious with everything _except _bread and jelly."

The debate had long since derailed from its original topic, and had drawn in all the employees but Ulquiorra. He didn't complain. In his time working there, he'd come to understand that nothing short of threats of bodily harm could motivate his coworkers, and even then they knew that he wasn't in the business of hurting children.

So he did their work for them – it was obvious that he did it better, anyway.

Orihime's phone began to chirp. She excused herself from the conversation and answered the call. "Hey Tatsuki-chan!"

Ulquiorra reached past her to grab a stack of packaged crackers. He saw Orihime's smile fade, replaced first by a horrified look, then a frown. "You're coming over," she declared. "It's _absolutely _necessary! Ulquiorra-kun's shift is almost done. I'll pick up some food while I'm here. Give us an hour, okay? And you're going to tell me everything! Not one single detail left out!"

"Everything alright?" Urahara asked when Orihime hung up the phone. She turned a frustrated glare on him.

"Everything is not alright!" she yelled, but refused to elaborate.

Orihime ran around the store collecting snacks and sweets. Ulquiorra rang them up as his last task of the day, applying his employee discount while she was too distracted to notice. They walked home in relative silence; Ulquiorra carrying the bags, Orihime muttering under her breath and occasionally kicking a street sign. At one point she looked at Ulquiorra and said, "Have you ever just… ugh!"

Ulquiorra thought for a moment. "Yes," he replied.

"You're very good at not showing it."

"I'll take that as a compliment."

…

Tatsuki showed up thirty minutes later than promised, still in her school uniform, her soccer bag slung over her shoulder. She looked exhausted, and greeted Orihime with a wry smile. "Sorry I'm late. Coach suspended me for a few days."

"Suspended?" Orihime cried. "What for?"

"Do you want the full story or not?" Tatsuki threw her things down and took off her shoes. It was then that she noticed Ulquiorra sitting at the table, leisurely drinking a cup of tea. "Oh, _you're _here."

"I live here, trash," he replied without skipping a beat.

Orihime stepped between them. "Don't worry Tatsuki-chan, we can talk in my room! I stashed all the snacks in there anyway." She took Tatsuki's hand and dragged the girl down the hall.

Ulquiorra remained in the living room, having no intention of listening to their gossip. Last time Orihime had brought her friends over for snacks, they'd filled the apartment with boisterous laughter, talk about makeup, and comments rating the physical attractiveness of their male classmates – and female, as Chizuru had been present. He had to admit he was a little curious about the woman's anger, but she would fill him in on that after she'd spent her rage.

Ulquiorra enjoyed his tea at the table, allowing his thoughts to drift elsewhere. He'd become so _comfortable _lately. It was strange, but not altogether unpleasant. This was a kind of peace vastly different from his years wandering Hueco Mundo unmolested. It couldn't be compared to the time he'd spent tangled in that thorn bush, either.

There was no emptiness to this peace.

"_That jerk_!" No emptiness whatsoever.

His head turned in the direction of the hallway. The woman was on a tirade, it seemed. He'd been thinking of napping before making dinner, having been tired out after working since early morning, but the following parade of insults promised no chance of sleep.

In Orihime's bedroom, Tatsuki watched her best friend look around for something to take her anger out on. "Calm down, Hime." She popped a potato chip into her mouth. "It's not that big a deal."

"Yes it _is_!" Orihime yelled, grabbing an unopened bag of chips and ripping it in two, sending its contents in every direction. "How can you sit there so casually? You _liked _him. You got up enough courage to confess, and a rejection is one thing, but he didn't have to go and tell every guy on the team!"

"I know. Which is why I punched him in the face," Tatsuki said with a smirk.

Orihime grinned back. "Is that why you got suspended?"

"I broke his nose. He promised to sue, but come on, if I had a thousand yen for every time someone said _that_." Tatsuki laid back on the floor, legs bent, her own bag of chips resting on her stomach. She reached for another one and examined its shape. "It just sucks, you know?" she said quietly, all casualness and sarcasm gone from her voice. "I pride myself on being a decent judge of character, and then I go falling blindly for the biggest asshole in school. Guess people aren't as easy to read as I thought."

Tatsuki draped an arm over her eyes, and Orihime rested her chin on her best friend's knees. "Don't cry, Tatsuki-chan. He isn't worth it."

"I know," Tatsuki whispered. She took in a deep breath. "I really liked him, Hime." Orihime lay down next to her and wrapped an arm around her shaking shoulders. "I just feel so _stupid_. How could I fall for someone like that?"

"Because you thought he was different," Orihime said, stroking Tatsuki's hair soothingly. "And you liked his butt."

Tatsuki let out a half-laugh, half-sob. "I still do."

Orihime wiped away the tears that managed to escape past Tatsuki's arm. "Listen, guys who can't see ghosts suck. What would you have talked about with what's-his-face anyway? Could you imagine, being on a date with him, and suddenly Kurosaki-kun and Kuchiki-san come through fighting a hollow and you're like 'Whoa!' and he's like 'What?' and then you remember he can't see ghosts. And it's not like you could tell him that your friends fight evil spirits on a regular basis; he'd think you're crazy."

"You mean I'm not?" Tatsuki asked miserably.

"Tatsuki-chan, there's an ex-hollow in my living room. If you're crazy, then I fear for the rest of us."

That got her laughing, and soon she was able to stop crying as well. Together they devoured the rest of the snacks, Tatsuki taking advantage of her suspension to indulge in some unhealthy food.

Neither of them noticed, until leaving the room for soda a while later, that the ex-hollow in the living room had stepped out of the apartment.

…

When Orihime came to Urahara's store after school the next day, she was in much better spirits. She sang cheerfully, taught Ururu and Ginta new tongue-twisters, and even tried to help Ulquiorra straighten up the shelves – he refused her, saying that she shouldn't have to work on her day off.

"Had a good time at school?" Yoruichi asked Orihime, who was braiding Ururu's hair. "I was watching the news this morning. Apparently the head of the soccer team was found hanging from a tree or something?"

"Yup! He'd been there all night!"

Urahara giggled behind his fan. "That sounds like something Kurosaki-san would do."

"Doesn't it?" Orihime tied the end of the braid and sent Ururu on her way. "Kurosaki-kun only claimed responsibility for the black eye, though."

Ulquiorra was headed out to the warehouse to fetch a box of instant noodles. Orihime followed, leaving the adults confused as to why Ichigo would assault a member of the soccer team. She slipped her hands into the pockets of her jacket, all smiles. Ulquiorra gave her a wary look. "If you're thinking about assisting me," he said, "you may head right back indoors."

Orihime's smile widened, her eyes glittering in the afternoon light. "I know it was you, Ulquiorra-kun."

He turned away from her. "How can you be sure? I do not involve myself in petty human squabbles."

"It's not petty. Tatsuki-chan is your friend."

Ulquiorra pursed his lips. "Ridiculous."

Orihime looped her arm through his. "Don't worry. I won't tell her. You should have seen how hard she was laughing, though."

**/TBC/**

**A/N: **Happy New Year, everyone! I've returned somewhat tanned from visiting family in Puerto Rico. Unfortunately, I got sick the very day we left, and stayed sick the entire time. It would have been more disappointing if it didn't happen every single time!

A few quick announcements! I'm still in the process of **editing** every single one of my fics, so expect the next chapter to come with the announcement that either all or most of them have been finished. Secondly, I'll soon be **deleting My Soul to Keep**, as I've decided to take it on as an original story, in the hopes of eventual publication. Terribly sorry for this, but I'd rather do that than leave it up unfinished. And lastly – this is completely unrelated – I might be getting a cat soon! I've never had a pet before, oh my God. x.x

So what did y'all think of the chapter? Let me know!


	42. White Flag

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Bleach or any other copyrighted material.

**Tell Yourself**

**By: Princess Kitty1**

**White Flag**

Ulquiorra took grocery shopping very seriously. He often went while the woman was at work, so that he could gather healthy food without having to face her complaints. Buying the stuff and bringing it home was one thing; being in the store with Orihime Inoue's wide eyes and pouting lips and _Please-Ulquiorra-kun's_ was an entirely different animal. She would be home soon, though, so he figured he should hurry indoors and stash the food away.

He carefully made his way up the stairs of the apartment building with arms laden, keys dangling from his pinky finger. At least the groceries weren't heavy, he thought, tightening his grip as one bag threatened to slip. He was almost to the door. His wrist snapped upwards, bringing the keys into his palm, and he fingered his way through the ring for the right –

A ball hit him in the back of the head, sending the precariously perched grocery bag away from his arms. Ulquiorra stuck his foot out and managed to break its fall for the most part, but the momentum kept it floor-bound, and the bag flipped over, spilling and denting a few cans.

"Whoops," came the voice of the irritating neighbor child, dripping with sarcasm, "sorry about that, _oji_-san."

Ulquiorra set the other bags down and rescued the cans before he turned to face his rival. The boy wasn't alone today: two nervous-looking brats were staring up at Ulquiorra with wide eyes, half-hidden behind their bolder friend. They shrank in terror as Ulquiorra drew closer. "If you are thinking that numbers will save you," he said icily, "you are sadly mistaken."

And so, when Orihime approached the apartment building a minute later, she was greeted by two crying boys that she recognized as Taro's friends. "Orihime-nee," they shrieked, "come quick! You have to help!"

"What's the matter?" she asked, her heartbeat quickening.

"The yakuza is going to kill Masaru!"

Yakuza? Orihime allowed them to pull her up the stairs, ready to launch the shun shun rikka at whoever would dare to harm a child. When she discovered that it was only Ulquiorra – he had a flailing Taro-kun trapped in a headlock with one arm, and was using his free hand to pinch the boy's cheek – her panic was greatly relieved. Her anger, however, was not. "Ulquiorra-kun!"

He looked at her with about as much apology in his eyes as someone donating to a righteous cause. "Welcome back," he greeted her.

"Put him down!" Orihime yelled, the force of her words causing both Ulquiorra and Taro to freeze. Ulquiorra hesitated for only a second, then dropped the child, who landed on his feet and scampered to his friends for safety. "What were you thinking?" She approached him fast, snatching the keys out of his unmoving hand. "Assaulting a kid! He doesn't know any better!"

"But he – " Ulquiorra protested, pointing at the dented cans.

"Come _here_!" Orihime grabbed him by the arm and dragged him into the apartment, appearing a moment later to retrieve the grocery bags. "Sorry about that, Taro-kun. You guys have fun!" she said to the boy before slamming the door shut behind her.

Taro and his friends lingered outside, listening to Orihime's muffled ranting. "Dude," one of them said to him, "it was nice knowing you."

"I ain't scared of him," Taro claimed with a boldness he didn't exactly feel. He'd forgotten that he was dealing with some sort of alien life form, and as he led his friends away to play ball, he looked back over his shoulder, shivering at the thought of Ulquiorra coming to seek revenge in the night.

Meanwhile, inside the Inoue-Cifer residence, the irate ex-Espada sat sour-faced on the sofa. Orihime blew around the kitchen like a hurricane. "…thought I could leave you home and not have to worry about anything, but the minute I turn my back you're terrorizing children! What do you have against Taro-kun, anyway?"

"He started it," Ulquiorra declared, wanting the truth out there in case the woman decided she wanted to believe him. "Where are the trash's parents?"

Orihime closed the refrigerator. With the groceries squared away, she whirled around to face Ulquiorra with her hands on her hips. "For your information, Taro-kun's mom and dad died a few years ago in an earthquake that caused their house to collapse." She frowned sadly. "They gave up their lives to protect him."

"That is no excuse for him to attack unsuspecting pedestrians." Nor would it lessen the degree of Ulquiorra's vengeance, whenever he could get the kid alone.

Orihime sighed and walked into the living room, dropping down onto the sofa next to him. "In any case, I'm sorry for losing my temper like that. I get a little overprotective of Taro-kun, that's all."

"Do not apologize. You are entitled to a loss of temper." Ulquiorra didn't look at her.

"So you're not mad at me?"

"He threw a ball at my head."

"I believe you, Ulquiorra-kun. It was mean of him."

…

Later in the week, Ulquiorra found himself with nothing to do after Urahara gave him the day off. He ventured to the library, checked out a few books on space – its unfathomable size and many mysteries had become his latest hobby – and then took the long way home to enjoy the cool weather.

He wondered when he'd gotten so accustomed to the noise and the colors of the human world. He could even tolerate the smells, for the most part. There were other people out and about, and though some regarded the lines on his face with anxiety or distaste, the locals minded their own business. They knew him by sight, and no longer worried that he would bring trouble to the neighborhood.

As he rounded the corner, coming up to the apartment building from a different direction than usual, a familiar figure stepped into his path. Ulquiorra stopped walking. Taro stopped walking as well, his eyes widening. Ulquiorra shifted his books into the crook of his elbow. Taro screamed, abandoned his backpack, turned around, and began running.

_Oh no you don't. _Ulquiorra took off after him at an unhurried walk, deciding he could afford a few bursts of _sonido _to keep the kid in his sights, and himself in Taro's. It would be much more intimidating that way; the boy could run until his lungs burst and never put any distance between them.

Now then, what sort of revenge could Ulquiorra bring upon him? Nothing too traumatic, or he'd get yelled at by the woman again. But it had to be enough to teach the kid a lesson. He would _not_ be taking another hit to his pride…

Ulquiorra stopped dead in his tracks. He had sensed something, and apparently he wasn't the only one. The neighborhood dogs had struck up a chorus of frantic barking. Two stray cats went streaking in front of him, and a flock of pigeons went sailing overhead. Then he heard the rumble.

In a matter of seconds, the ground beneath him was rocking back and forth. Cars came to a stop, passerby stepped away from buildings and braced themselves against firmly-rooted objects, women and children let out surprised screams. Ulquiorra searched ahead for his victim, finding Taro swaying unsteadily in the middle of the sidewalk, his arms out at his sides. But it wasn't safe there; a window exploded three stories above him, sending down a shower of broken glass, and following a moment later with a few objects that had been placed too close to the window.

Ulquiorra forgot the pursuit, shot forward and pulled Taro out of the way, hissing as a shard of glass struck his arm. Both of them staggered backwards, narrowly avoiding the other falling objects.

Thankfully, that was the worst of it. The ground stopped shaking almost immediately after. Ulquiorra looked around. People were smiling with relief, frightened animals were being soothed by their owners, and shopkeepers were cursing the earthquake for their spilled merchandise. He stared down at his own bleeding arm with mild annoyance; the wound was nothing, but his shirt would need a wash and some stitching.

Then he thought to check on Taro, who had yet to move or say anything at all. "You are uninjured," Ulquiorra said, "so do not think that for one second that I will let you go sniffing after the woman for sympa–"

"Waaaaaa!" Taro sobbed, throwing himself at Ulquiorra and clinging to him for dear life.

Ulquiorra stood motionless in complete and utter horror. _The child was embracing him. _And _crying_. He was extremely uncomfortable. People were staring. Some noticed the broken glass and his bleeding arm and drew closer, asking if he and the boy were alright. He managed a nod in response. _What was he supposed to do_?

Reluctantly – _very _reluctantly – he pried Taro off of him long enough to pick him up off of the ground. The boy flung his arms around Ulquiorra's neck instead. Ulquiorra shivered with disgust and strode quickly out of the public eye, then made for Urahara's store as fast as _sonido _would carry him.

The buffoon was sweeping up fallen items, a dismayed expression on his face. "Figures we would have an earthquake the day Ulquiorra-san doesn't come into… oh!" He lifted his head at the sound of the shop bell, took one look at Ulquiorra – whose skin tone had gone hollow-pale – and the wailing child, tried his damndest not to laugh, and burst into hysterics after two seconds.

Ulquiorra's wide eyes narrowed marginally. "_Do something_," he growled.

"Yoruichi-san!" Urahara guffawed, stumbling towards the back of the store nearly doubled in half. "Yoruichi-san, come quickly! And bring a camera!"

…

If Yoruichi Shihoin found the situation half as hilarious as Urahara had, she at least had the decency not to laugh. She took Taro from Ulquiorra, calmed him down, and gave him a free carton of chocolate milk. Ulquiorra treated the cut on his arm the human way to avoid anymore unnecessary reiatsu use. He absolutely refused to help Urahara clean up the store.

"Are you guys aliens, too?" Taro asked once he'd recovered enough to speak.

Yoruichi and Kisuke looked at Ulquiorra questioningly. He sighed. "The woman is a werecat. The sandal-hat man is a common idiot."

"Cool."

…

Neither Ulquiorra nor Taro spoke much on the way back home. They paused once for an aftershock that had Taro clinging to his tattered shirt sleeve. Ulquiorra waved him off the moment it was over.

The boy's grandmother came hobbling quickly towards them as they neared the building. "Masaru-chan!" she cried, tears streaming down her cheeks. She opened her arms for him and Taro ran forward, enveloping his grandmother in a tight hug. "You naughty thing! Where did you go running off to? I came outside after the earthquake, found your backpack and no sign of you anywhere!"

"I'm sorry," Taro muttered, enduring a half-hearted pinch from the old woman.

"You'd better be! Oh, my sweet Masaru-chan, you must have been so scared!"

"It's okay, Obaa-san." He clasped her wrinkled hands. "Ulquiorra-nii-san took care of me."

Ulquiorra's horror was renewed. Had the boy just called him _big brother_? He was given no time to process this before the old landlady was embracing him, showering him with gratitude, calling him a hero, and apologizing for ever using his 'tattoos' as an excuse to misjudge him.

…

Orihime found him mending his shirt when she walked in later that afternoon. He welcomed her in his usual way, calm and with a look of acknowledgement before returning to his work. "That was some earthquake, huh?" she intoned casually, leaving her shoes by the door. Ulquiorra made a noise of affirmation. Orihime smiled. "I checked in on Taro-kun and his grandma just now. He said you saved his life."

"I did no such thing." Ulquiorra pulled at the needle. "A concussion, maybe. The child was in no real danger."

"He's finally stopped calling you uncle," Orihime said. When she got no reply, she leaned over the sofa and dropped a folded piece of paper onto Ulquiorra's lap. "That's for you. Top secret, apparently. I didn't read it."

Ulquiorra ignored the paper until Orihime had disappeared into her bedroom, singing about the food she was going to make for dinner. He unfolded it, turned it over, and read the sloppy handwritten message:

_If you make Orihime-nee-san cry, I'll never forgive you_.

He folded up the paper again and slipped it between his library books. It wasn't exactly a white flag, but it was his victory nonetheless.

**/TBC/**

**A/N: **And then I made Taro-kun a sympathetic character, and everybody cursed me for it. Or you're all too shocked by the fact that I updated again so soon. This was one of those chapters I couldn't wait to write. XD

Ulquiorra seems to be winning everybody's good opinion! Now when will Orihime start noticing his great and manly qualities? I've got a few ideas…


	43. Hypothetically Speaking

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Bleach or any other copyrighted material.

**Tell Yourself**

**By: Princess Kitty1**

**Hypothetically Speaking**

Orihime didn't spend much time in the local library. Ulquiorra, on the other hand, had made it his personal domain. He'd stopped visiting for a while for what he described as "various reasons." Orihime guessed that their run-in with one of the librarians a while back had reminded him of his mission to broaden his knowledge of humanity.

But it wasn't just humanity he was interested in anymore. No, he'd devoured his fill of anatomy, psychology, neuroscience, and sociology textbooks within two months of coming to live with her. Orihime had seen him through art and music phases, the cookbook weeks, and the never-ending literature binges. She suspected that he understood computers better than she ever would. One evening he'd taken her calculus homework, let out a _hmph_, and returned it to her twenty minutes later, completely done.

However, it was becoming apparent to Ulquiorra that he could not learn everything. His brain had limitations, preferences. Physics and landscaping bored him, and he could care less about how music was made, as long as the end result was pleasing to his ears. It had been frustrating at first, but he suffered fewer headaches nowadays.

That particular afternoon, Orihime had accompanied him to the library. He was working his way through Sherlock Holmes, complaining the entire time that the detective's methods of deduction were completely unrealistic – but he was hooked, Orihime could tell. She sat flipping through craft books, hoping to get some ideas for new projects, and occasionally daydreaming.

Then she noticed that she was being stared at.

A few seats down, a timid-looking girl had her eyes fixed on Orihime. She lowered her head the moment she'd been caught. Orihime shrugged, already accustomed to being stared at by classmates, and went back to her reading. Ulquiorra approached a moment later with a stack of novels.

"There are books here that dissect those farfetched detective stories," he informed her, looking rather pleased about it.

Orihime smiled. "Can't you just admit that you like them and be happy with that, Ulquiorra-kun?"

"I refuse." He took his armload of analyses to the checkout desk, where the librarian trio greeted him enthusiastically. Orihime took the opportunity to see how well he liked them. He answered their questions with words rather than monosyllables, so he didn't _hate _them, but their attempts at conversation were met with glares, so he probably wouldn't let them into the house if they came knocking.

"He reads a lot."

Orihime turned her head, surprised by the voice. It was the timid-looking girl from earlier. She had also been staring at Ulquiorra – was stillstaring at him, even as she addressed Orihime. "But he doesn't come by as often as he used to."

"No, he doesn't," Orihime agreed, wondering who this person was.

The girl shrank in her chair, frowning, her cheeks tinged pink. Her fingers fiddled with the page of the book she'd been reading. "W-What if he doesn't come back?" she said even quieter than before.

"Umm," Orihime tilted her head, "I don't think that'll happen anytime soon…"

"Are you his girlfriend?" the stranger squeaked, turning wide eyes on Orihime. "You came in with him, right?"

"I did, but he and I aren't-!"

"Then he wouldn't mind if someone confessed to him?"

Orihime's mouth dropped open, but her words got lodged in her throat. Yes, she thought, Ulquiorra _would _mind. He had no patience for strangers. He barely had patience for the people he knew. But this was a confession – a confession of _love_. As far as she understood, he'd never been faced with one of those before.

The girl immediately misinterpreted Orihime's silence. "You like him, don't you?" she asked, and Orihime once again found herself at a loss for words. "What do you like about him? Because if it was me, I could grow to like everything – "

"You've got it all wrong!" Orihime cried, loud enough that several people shot her dirty looks. Even Ulquiorra and the librarians were staring. Her face reddened, and she stood up, the craft book forgotten. "Please do not trouble Ulquiorra-kun with your feelings! He doesn't know you, and he won't accept them. You'll only be heartbroken," she hissed, walking briskly away before the girl could reply. She came up to the checkout desk and grabbed half of Ulquiorra's books. "I'm sorry for making so much noise," she said to the librarians, then made for the door.

Ulquiorra retrieved the rest of the books and followed, taking longer strides to keep up with her. It was warm outside, autumn battling summer for dominance. Orihime didn't slow down until she'd gotten at least a block away from the library. Ulquiorra caught up with her, and when she didn't volunteer to speak, he addressed her first. "Something has upset you."

"I'm not upset."

"You're lying."

"I'm fine, Ulquiorra-kun." She stared at the covers of the books she carried, not really seeing them. When he didn't press the subject, she sighed, knowing that he was probably annoyed with her for being dishonest. He had no qualms with her keeping things to herself, as long as she didn't pretend she was peachy.

But what would she even say to him? She was upset because some creepy stalker at the library wanted to confess to him? That wasn't any of her business. Ulquiorra was perfectly capable of articulating his own feelings.

_What do you like about him_? Orihime scoffed. What a stupid question. As if she could just prattle off some list!

_If it was me, I could grow to like everything_. Yeah, right. That lovesick girl wouldn't last a day; she wasn't tough enough. It'd take a special sort of someone to date Ulquiorra Cifer – someone who could butt heads with him, someone who wasn't afraid of him, someone who could interpret the various moods he was capable of hiding behind his stoic mask.

Someone like… her.

Orihime blinked.

_You like him, don't you_?

Her grip on the library books tightened.

_You like him, don't you_?

The crosswalk sign changed to a red hand. She stopped walking, fidgeted, stared at her shoes.

_You like him, don't you_?

Orihime lifted her head. "Ulquiorra-kun," she said quietly, and he glanced at her, expecting an explanation for her strange mood. "What… What would you say if," she swallowed, "someone confessed to you?"

Ulquiorra frowned. "Confessed what?"

"Feelings." Orihime tucked a wayward strand of hair behind her ear. "_Romantic_ feelings."

"You are asking what I would say to someone who confessed to having romantic feelings… for me," he repeated, making sure he understood. Orihime nodded. Ulquiorra had never once considered the possibility that someone could have romantic feelings for him. He didn't even know that many people. However, he wasn't ignorant. He knew that an ideal romance happened when there were two mutually interested parties. "It would depend on the person," he responded.

Orihime nodded again, but the answer had thrown her. Depend on the person? Did that mean… did Ulquiorra like someone? "Okay, new-ish question. What would you say if – hypothetically speaking – _I_ confessed to you?"

Ulquiorra's eyes widened. Had he heard her right? Was he dreaming? It had to have been a dream. She wouldn't just _ask _something like that out of nowhere. But he wasn't waking up, and she was looking straight at him, waiting. His heart had leapt into his throat. His arms and legs felt weak.

He knew what he would do if she confessed to him, didn't he? He had a very vague idea that involved a euphoric sort of happiness and her lips. But she wasn't confessing to him; she was asking a question. Hypothetically speaking. This wasn't a confession, and he couldn't say just anything. His thoughts ran from grasping hands. He didn't know.

"I don't know."

The traffic signal changed to green.

Orihime looked away. "Oh." Of course he wouldn't know; he wasn't in love with anyone. A laugh burst out of her mouth. "Sorry. I didn't mean to ask such a weird question. You'd probably be troubled, huh?" She stepped out into the street. Ulquiorra followed, so numbed by shock that he couldn't answer her.

Orihime felt like kicking herself. She'd made things awkward between them! Awkward was bad. She didn't want awkward; she wanted Ulquiorra to be comfortable. That's why she'd gotten mad at the girl in the library.

_You like him, don't you_?

Nothing more.

**/TBC/**

**A/N: **Am I sitting here, laughing maniacally at one in the morning? Yes. Of course I am. I'm a sadist, remember? _Stuff is happening guys_!

**Does this mean that you're off of your hiatus? **I can't make any promises. While my hands do feel better, ideas are still kind of hard to come by, and I need to keep resting these money-makers if I want physical therapy to pay off. Besides, I haven't been able to write romance well since I've discovered how nice it is to be single.

So… what did you guys think? I'm honestly afraid to ask. XD


	44. Two of a Kind

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Bleach or any other copyrighted material.

**Tell Yourself**

**By: Princess Kitty1**

**Two of a Kind**

Two weeks before Halloween, Orihime burst through the front door of her apartment, screaming. A series of loud crashes came from Ulquiorra's room. He appeared in the living room a moment later, Murcielago in hand. "What is it?"

Orihime ran to him, threw her arms around him, and lifted him off of his feet, not seeming to care that there was a very sharp sword between them. "Sora-nii is coming to visit!" she shrieked, dropping Ulquiorra and grabbing his shoulders. "_We have to clean_. This place is a mess!"

Ulquiorra sheathed the sword and surveyed the living room. It was spotless. "If you say so."

"He'll be here tomorrow afternoon! Thank goodness it's Sunday, or he and I might not have had time to – oh, I need to make all of his favorite food! Can spirits eat people food? I don't think he's coming in gigai. It might scare the neighbors if my dead brother suddenly turned up walking around Karakura Town, huh?" She gasped. "I need to make a phone call!"

Ulquiorra watched her skip down the hall, phone pressed to her ear, then he leaned back against the wall. Sora Inoue, the deceased older brother, was coming to visit? Was that even possible? He'd always been irrationally paranoid that the man's photograph was spying on him, alerting the woman whenever Ulquiorra did something wrong. Not that he'd done anything wrong lately. Sure, he'd accidentally vacuumed up a favorite gold anklet of hers, but he'd dismantled the machine, retrieved the anklet, put the vacuum back together, and cleaned up both the living room and the jewelry before she'd come home.

Maybe he should stay out of the house tomorrow.

"I can't wait for you to meet Sora-nii!" Orihime said to him as she passed by again, dashing his plans immediately. "Oh, hey Kurosaki-kun! Do you have Don Kanonji-san's phone number? Eh? Come on, I know he gave it to you! Aren't you his number one pupil?" Ulquiorra heard yelling from the other end of the phone. "I was just teasing, Kurosaki-kun! Hold on, let me find a pen."

Ulquiorra escaped to his bedroom, sat on the floor, and laid Murcielago across his lap. He would just have to suck it up, he decided. If tomorrow he was going to be accused of everything he'd conveniently forgotten to tell the woman, at least he would be there to defend himself.

…

The apartment was scrubbed from top to bottom. Orihime spent the morning making food, though she still wasn't sure if Sora could benefit from the meal or not. Ulquiorra watched her squirt liberal amounts of mustard into a pot of brown liquid. She looked at him. "You have something to say."

He nodded. "The good news is that your brother cannot get any deader."

Orihime grabbed a wooden spoon and Ulquiorra jumped out of hitting range. "For your information, Sora-nii was the one who taught me how to cook!" She used the spoon to get a taste of whatever she was making. "But it's nice to see that you're developing a sense of humor."

"I was not trying to be funny," Ulquiorra informed her.

She turned around, her eyes downcast, and sighed. "Do you really think my cooking is that bad?"

Ulquiorra mentally cursed his inability to lie. "You start off on the right track, but you have a habit of making questionable turns."

He waited for a reply. Orihime pressed her lips together, took two steps forward and jabbed him in the chest with the wooden spoon. "Well – " _jab _" – some people – " _jab _" – would call that creative!" she snapped with a final jab. She went back to the food. "There's a mustard stain on your shirt."

Ulquiorra stared at the fabric in dismay. "Yes, I see that." He dipped his hand in powdered miso and wiped it off on her shirt sleeve. "You've got miso on yours."

Orihime's mouth dropped open, but she recovered quickly. "You don't say?" she said as she grabbed the mustard bottle, squirting some onto her palm. She rubbed both hands together, whirled on Ulquiorra before he could run, and dragged her mustard-caked fingers through his hair. "Oops! My hands slipped! Sorry, Ulquiorra-kun. Looks like you're going to have to take another bath."

Ulquiorra would have retaliated, had the stench of the mustard not been making him nauseous. "This isn't over," he said icily.

"I'm not scared of you," Orihime shot back.

Not scared, indeed. It was one of her many wonderful qualities; Ulquiorra wouldn't have had it any other way. He departed from the kitchen, catching the sound of her giggling the moment he was in the hall.

…

When the shoji door appeared at last, Ulquiorra sat brooding on the sofa, still swearing he could smell mustard despite having washed his hair twice. "He's here!" Orihime screamed, yanking him onto his feet as she ran past. Ulquiorra pocketed his hands and lingered a safe distance behind her. The shoji door opened, a low-ranking shinigami wearing a fifth division badge stepping out first.

"This way!" he yelled into the door, then turned to Orihime – all smiles – and Ulquiorra – all scowls. "Another escort will come by before midnight to bring your brother safely back to Soul Society, Inoue-san."

"Thank you very much!" she said, bowing to the man. And then Sora Inoue emerged from the shoji door, and Orihime took two deep breaths before bursting into tears and startling Ulquiorra. "Sora-nii!"

The dark-haired man had an easy smile, comforting the way an older brother's should have been. "Are you going to cry like that every time I come to visit, Orihime?"

These visits were semi-regular, then? Ulquiorra looked away, wondering if willing himself invisible would make him harder to see. But he couldn't help stealing a look at the woman, who, despite her tears, was genuinely happy to see her older brother. She was radiant in a way he'd never seen before.

"A-And I made food! I can't hug you so you probably can't eat it, huh?"

"It smells delicious!" Sora told her, a hungry look on his face. "You just can't find quality miso-and-mustard soup in Soul Society."

Ulquiorra couldn't imagine why.

"Ah," Orihime frantically waved him closer. Ulquiorra hesitated, took two short steps forward, but remained behind. She grabbed his arm and pulled him beside her. "Sora-nii, this is Ulquiorra Cifer. He's usually not so shy."

Sora looked at Ulquiorra. There was no recognition, no hint of an I-know-what-you've-done glimmer in his eyes. "A friend of yours?"

"He's my roommate!" Orihime supplied happily.

"Ah," Sora nodded once, twice, thrice, then the smile abruptly dropped from his face. "He's your _what_? _Your what_?"

"Yeah, it's a long story – "

"_Your what_?" he yelled again, turning on his little sister.

Orihime laughed and nudged Ulquiorra with her elbow. "I think you should go wait while I calm him down," she whispered, keeping up her cheerful mood despite the fact that her older brother had a wild look in his eyes, and was flexing his fingers as if they were claws. "Sora-nii's been a hollow before, so I don't want to stress him out."

Ulquiorra left feeling mildly distressed. Perhaps he would keep Murcielago on his person throughout the duration of the visit, just in case.

It took about twenty minutes for Orihime to call him back into the living room. He put his sword in the hallway – for reassurance – and entered, hands in his pockets, trying to appear nonthreatening. Sora Inoue glared at him the way Ulquiorra glared at the shinigami and the Quincy: hostile, distrusting, but not quite ready to attack. "It's nice to meet you," Sora hissed.

"Likewise," Ulquiorra returned, matching Sora's tone.

"I was _just _telling Sora-nii what a big help you've been to me, Ulquiorra-kun!" Orihime said, offering him her bowl of soup. "Want some?"

Ulquiorra assumed that was meant to be a joke and didn't respond. He sat a safe distance away from the siblings, not wanting to provoke her brother's wrath.

"Isn't it so crazy that you both used to be hollows, and now you're not? I don't know, I think it's crazy, but maybe that's just me." Orihime waved her free hand uselessly. "So, Sora-nii, I called Don Kanonji-san yesterday. We're totally on for tonight!"

That seemed to cheer Sora up enough to stop glaring at Ulquiorra. "Are we? Perfect! I've been practicing just for the occasion. My neighbors say I'm pretty convincing."

"I bet you are! And Halloween's right around the corner; it's great publicity!" She turned to Ulquiorra, grinning. "You're coming with us."

He wasn't sure he liked the way they were looking at him. "Where are we going?"

…

"_This week's spontaneous trip brings us back to Karakura Town, where evil spirits have taken_…"

Ulquiorra stood, hidden out of sight, in a building that was being constructed a few blocks away from the high school. He wanted to think that he couldn't believe what he was seeing. However, this was on the woman's level of preposterous, so he shouldn't have been surprised.

"_Oooooh_," Orihime and Sora wailed, then broke off into snickers while Don Kanonji's introduction was made for the gathered audience. Sora had learned how to project his voice, making his tortured ghost wails even more fearful than his sister's. "Oh my gosh, this is so much fun!" Orihime whispered.

Ulquiorra stared at them. "You two are pretending to be spirits for that trash on television?"

"Technically, Sora isn't pretending," Orihime said to him, "and we did this last time he came to visit too."

"Send him away, sis. Your friend is being a killjoy," Sora whined, shooting a death glare at Ulquiorra behind Orihime's back.

Ulquiorra bristled. "I was just leaving." He turned away from them, ignoring Orihime's calls and pouty face, and made his way out of the building. What foolish behavior. He couldn't believe that someone like the woman could be so willingly immature. Too bad he found it endearing.

"Cifer-san!" He'd slipped behind the gathered crowd, where he had been spotted by Yuzu Kurosaki. She broke away from her siblings' side. "I didn't know you were a fan of Don Kanonji!"

"I am not," Ulquiorra corrected her. The shinigami approached them.

"He's probably just here with Inoue and her brother," Ichigo said, patting Yuzu on the shoulder. "Figured they wouldn't be able to recruit you for this scheme."

"I would never stoop to such childish antics." What happened in the kitchen hadn't been childish, per say; that had been an act of vengeance.

Yuzu looked disappointed. "Don Kanonji is a family friend of ours. He's a little over-the-top, but he isn't a bad guy. He can actually see spirits!" She sighed. "I wish _I _could see spirits. Then I could greet Orihime's brother properly."

"I'm sure they'd be happy knowing you wanted to get along with him," Ichigo told her.

"Of course! I'd be pretty upset if someone tried to treat you bad, Ichi-nii! Oh, hold on," she crossed her arms over her body with the rest of the crowd. "Bohahahaha!" the audience screamed as Don Kanonji went charging heroically into the construction site.

Ichigo rolled his eyes, shook his head, and turned back to Ulquiorra, who stared up at the unfinished building with an unreadable expression. "They'll be done in twenty minutes. It has to look convincing for the viewers."

Ulquiorra's eyes narrowed. "Convincing," he muttered to himself. "Excuse me." He nodded at Yuzu. "Kurosaki Yuzu," he glared at Ichigo, "trash."

Yuzu whacked Ichigo's arm as soon as Ulquiorra was out of sight. "What did you do to him?"

"I didn't do anything!" Ichigo snapped.

Meanwhile, up in the building, Don Kanonji was conversing with Orihime and Sora, walking circles around the latter. "No matter how many times I see it, I just can't get over it!" He took Orihime's hand, shaking it enthusiastically. "And I can't thank you enough for being so willing to help me. There hasn't been much to do in Karakura Town since my number one pupil and his crew took over."

"Oh yeah, Soul Society has been keeping a close eye on us since that whole mess happened," Orihime explained, neglecting to mention that Ulquiorra's presence made them twice as unreasonable. "Sorry about the lack of business, Don Kanonji-san!"

He struck a flashy pose. "I'd rather the people not need me at all, Inoue-san!"

And then suddenly, Don Kanonji was flat on his back. He saw the black tail wrapped around his ankle before he was dragged screaming into the shadows. Orihime and Sora watched as the television star was thrown from the building, spinning through open air like debris in a tornado. Orihime almost called her shun shun rikka, but a gust of wind had her grabbing a nearby beam to stay upright. A black blur flew past. Don Kanonji was caught in midair, hanging upside-down, arms flailing.

_Convicing_. Ulquiorra's spiritual pressure was draining rapidly, but his segunda etapa made a much more frightening monster than two siblings howling in an empty building.

And of course, the crowd was going ballistic. They followed Don Kanonji with pointing fingers, screaming in horror and holding each other. Ulquiorra lifted his captive to eye level. "Don't struggle so much. It is not my intention to hurt you."

"Ulquiorra-kun!" Orihime waved at him from her hiding place.

"Yes?" He threw Don Kanonji into the air again, catching him with his tail.

She broke out into a huge smile. "You're going to get tired!"

"He's going to kill him!" Sora cried.

Orihime crossed her arms. "Don't be silly, Sora-nii! Ulquiorra-kun would never hurt someone for no reason." She pointed into the sky. "Take him above the building! That'll really scare everyone!"

Sora was puzzled at first, but it didn't take long for him to see that Orihime was right; Ulquiorra did his part to look threatening, but Don Kanonji remained unharmed, save for a few scrapes and bruises. And it _did _make for a convincing show. By the time Ulquiorra grew bored and let the television star "exorcise the evil spirit," the audience was in an uproar. Sora was a little jealous – he'd rather not become a hollow again, of course, but he could see that the whole thing had made Orihime very happy.

Ichigo, on the other hand, not so much.

"Do you have any idea how pissed off Soul Society is right now?" he yelled, showing the guilty trio his Soul Society-issued cell phone. It was still ringing. "I had to explain to half a dozen different people that nobody was in danger!"

"That was amazing!" Yuzu cried, oblivious to the tense atmosphere. "Was that all you, Cifer-san? I couldn't see anything! How did you become invisible?" Her eyes were practically sparkling.

Her sister Karin snorted. "If you'd seen the form he took, you'd have had nightmares."

"I would not!" Yuzu insisted.

Ulquiorra sheathed Murcielago, which he'd stashed at the construction site in case Sora had decided to attack him while the woman wasn't looking. He opened his mouth to address Ichigo, but Orihime jumped in before he could. "They should have a little more faith in Ulquiorra-kun!"

"Maybe they would, if he hadn't destroyed half the fourth division last time he was there."

"That was _him_?" Sora asked, remembering the day of the green flashes and explosions.

"Ichi-nii, Cifer-san doesn't look so good."

Ulquiorra was short of breath, leaning heavily on his blade. He didn't get the chance to claim he was alright; segunda etapa had sapped more of his strength than he'd cared to admit, and he collapsed without another word.

…

"_...an amazing ability_."

"_You think so? I never thought I would be able to do something like this_."

"You don't give yourself enough credit. You've always been strong, Orihime. Even before you had that impressive healing power, your heart was a force to be reckoned with."

"Aww, you're making me blush. Look, he's awake!"

Ulquiorra sat up, effectively scattering Orihime's shun shun rikka, which returned to her hairpins. They were back at the apartment, and her brother was still there. He looked out the window. The sun had disappeared far below the horizon, leaving only a little bit of light at the farthest edges of the city. "You missed it, Ulquiorra-kun! Don Kanonji-san gave us a ride home in his limousine!" Orihime said. "I'd never been in a limo before. Can you believe that Kurosaki-kun turned the ride down?"

"You should give him a chance to get oriented before you start bombarding him with information, sis." Sora tapped his chin. "Come to think of it, didn't you have something you wanted to show me?"

"Oh yeah! Let me go look for it…"

Orihime departed the living room, leaving Sora and Ulquiorra alone together. Ulquiorra instinctively felt around for Murcielago. He couldn't find it. "Relax," Sora muttered. "You know, for a former hollow that supposedly isn't afraid of anything, you sure are paranoid. Or perhaps you've constructed some major significance to my visit." Ulquiorra said nothing. "Which tells me that there's something going on that my baby sister doesn't know about. Am I right?"

"Is there a point to your interrogation?" Ulquiorra demanded.

"I'm just curious about the man that Orihime trusts so absolutely. I'm her older brother, after all." He leaned forward. "But I'm also dead, which means that I'm useless to her if she gets in trouble. I need to know that she's safe."

"Orihime Inoue is perfectly capable of protecting herself."

The answer surprised Sora, particularly the degree of conviction behind it. He could hear Orihime rummaging around her bedroom still, so he decided he had time enough for another question. "What is my little sister to you?"

Ulquiorra looked Sora straight in the eye. "Everything." He lowered his voice, suddenly hyperaware of the apartment's small size. "There is plenty of truth to what you said about her heart. Had it not been for that, I would not have found the strength to continue living. You could say that she purified my soul without ever touching a blade." He gazed in the direction that Orihime had gone in. "I owe her a debt I'll never be able to pay. And surely if I were to tell her such a thing, she would insist that she's done nothing. The fact that I cannot do more than offer her companionship and help her pay bills causes me physical pain."

Sora stared at him. "You're in love with her, aren't you?"

"Don't be ridiculous," Ulquiorra spat. "This feeling is too much to be called something as simple as love."

…

When it was time for Sora to return to Soul Society, Orihime burst into tears again. She tried to stop crying as quickly as she could, though; she knew that her brother hated to see her upset. He promised to visit again in a few months. "I'll try to make it before your birthday this time," he said.

Ulquiorra stood away from the siblings, still tired from his generous energy spending. He made a mental note to only use segunda etapa in case of major emergencies.

"Ulquiorra,"

He looked at Sora, who'd been about to step through the shoji door. Orihime was watching them too. Sora turned to face him and bowed low at the waist. "Please take care of my sister."

To Orihime's complete and utter shock, Ulquiorra bowed back. She had never seen him bow to a human before. "B-Bye Sora-nii," she whispered as her brother disappeared through the shoji door. She was still gawking at Ulquiorra when he looked at her.

"Did you have fun?" he asked.

"Umm… yeah! Lots of fun!"

Ulquiorra nodded. "I am going to sleep," he said, leaving without waiting for a reply. He'd figured that the visit would help cure him of his irrational fear of Sora's photograph, but it had done the exact opposite. He would have to turn it to face the wall when he was home alone.

**/TBC/**

**A/N: **Stuff! Happening! This is the longest chapter of Tell Yourself to date! Never writing one this long again, omg! I gave myself too many feels with this chapter, so I'm going to go take a long reading break.

What did y'all think? Let me know!


	45. Love Story VI

**A/N: **Hello lovelies! I just wanted to let y'all know that fellow Ulquihime authoress and artist **keitoz** and I are collaborating on a special illustrated side-comic of Tell Yourself! Will be sure to announce it when it's done!

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Bleach or any other copyrighted material.

**Tell Yourself**

**By: Princess Kitty1**

**Love Story VI**

Since Orihime had learned that Ulquiorra was reading love stories at the library, she'd decided to contribute her own recommendation. After all, she hardly thought that Wuthering Heights, Romeo and Juliet, and Carmen depicted particularly _healthy _relationships. The question was, which book could she offer him?

"What are you looking for, Hime-chan?" Chizuru asked her as she scoured the school library's literature section. It was a quiet autumn afternoon, sunny and chilly outside, with hints of foliage visible beyond the window. Tatsuki, Chizuru and Rukia were studying for an upcoming exam, but now focused on Orihime, who they felt had been acting a tad bit stranger than usual lately. Of course, there was no real way to prove it, considering how odd she was on a daily basis.

"I'm trying to find a book for Ulquiorra-kun where someone doesn't die at the end." She hadn't told them about his research; if he'd kept it from her, it was obviously something that wasn't supposed to make it to the general public.

"Well, there go all of my suggestions," Tatsuki complained.

Rukia balanced a pencil on her nose. "He likes novels?"

"Mmhmm. He reads comics too. He doesn't always enjoy them, but he refuses to leave things unfinished, so he'll read the whole story and then throw it aside and sulk about his wasted time." Orihime crouched down to examine the bottom shelf. "It's around here somewhere."

"What is?"

"Found it!" She seized the book and ran to the checkout desk without telling them what she'd found. A quick glance at her phone told her she had enough time before work to leave the book at Urahara's shop. Would Ulquiorra like it, though? It was one of her favorites, so a rejection from him would a little heartbreaking.

Wait, what was she thinking of rejections and heartbreak for?

_You like him, don't you_?

"Stop that!" she whispered to herself with a furious shake of her head. She periodically slapped her cheeks on her way out of the school.

…

"So what you're telling me is that you're frustrated with Orihime because she won't cut back on her work hours, even though the money you earn here is enough to cover the bills and some of the groceries. How is she supposed to get into a good college if she's exhausting herself at the bakery, when she should be devoting most of her time to studying? But you don't have the courage to confront her about it because you're tsundere and don't want her guessing your intentions. Therefore, she ends up walking around half asleep, acting strange, and suffering an increasing amount of fevers."

Ulquiorra stared at Yoruichi blankly. She was leaning against the counter, waiting for him to ring up the bag of chips she'd brought to him alongside her unwanted analysis of his statements. "All I said was that the woman isn't getting enough rest."

"Yes," Yoruichi stood up straight, looking rather proud of herself, "but the meaning's layered on so thick that it's a miracle she doesn't know you're in love with her already."

"She perceives what she wants – " Ulquiorra stopped, scowling. "Why am I having this conversation with you?"

"Speak of the devil," Yoruichi cried as the shop bell rang, announcing Orihime's entrance. "Don't you have work today?" she asked her, shooting Ulquiorra a pointed look that he willfully ignored.

Orihime nodded. "I just came by to drop something off." She threw her bag onto the counter and flipped it open. "I was thinking of you earlier, Ulquiorra-kun, and wandered into the library after class to… where did it go? Ah, here it is."

Ulquiorra was so hung up on "_I was thinking of you_" that he took the book without looking at it. Why were they staring at – he was expected to say something. He glanced at the cover, which featured a picture of an elegantly dressed couple. _Pride and Prejudice_. "I will read it," he told her, slipping the book out of sight.

"Great choice," Yoruichi said, nudging Orihime with her elbow. "That Mr. Darcy, huh?"

Urahara stuck his head out of his office. "Yoruichi-san, are you swooning over other men?"

She glared at him. "Do you have a built-in radar or something?"

"Mr. Darcy's no greater than other guys," Orihime said to Ulquiorra, then wondered why she'd felt the need to explain herself to him, and finally turned away and hurried out of the store.

Yoruichi looked at Ulquiorra. He shrugged. "What you're saying is, that weird comment of Orihime's is a perfect example of what lack of proper rest has been doing to her. However, Mister Cifer, I have a different theory that I don't feel like telling you. So I'm going to explain what tsundere means instead."

Ulquiorra narrowed his eyes. "I don't like you."

…

Masaru Taro greeted Ulquiorra when he saw him coming up the stairs, but was ignored; his rival-turned-hero had been reading the entire walk home and wouldn't spare the child more than a grunt. Ulquiorra unlocked and opened the door without lifting his head, walked straight to his bedroom, and sat on the floor with the book.

The protagonist was a young woman named Elizabeth Bennet, who had four sisters, no fortune, and a mother who was desperately trying to get them all married. When a rich, single man named Bingley came into town with his sisters and his friend, the young woman was delighted to find him attracted to her sweet older sister. But Elizabeth was insulted by Bingley's friend – a Mr. Darcy – and became very determined to hate him.

And hate him she did, not knowing that her wit and her eyes had enchanted Mr. Darcy. He tried very hard to fight the attraction, but after every encounter with Elizabeth, he found himself falling deeper in love with her. At the same time he decided to break up his friend and Elizabeth's sister because the Bennet family was tragically embarrassing and lacking in self-control.

By the time Orihime came in, Ulquiorra was laying on the floor, frowning at the book, which he held above his head. "Have you eaten anything at all?" she asked him. He made a vague noise. "Good. I brought stuff home."

Ulquiorra read straight through dinner. Afterwards he sat on the couch with Orihime, reading while she watched her nighttime shows and laughed. He remained in the living room as she did her homework. She occasionally looked up to watch him flip through the pages, drawing his attention only when she slapped her cheeks for the third time. He eyed her suspiciously. She claimed she was tired.

Orihime went to bed just as Mr. Darcy told Elizabeth that he was in love with her. It was very ill-timed. Elizabeth gave the man such a tongue-lashing that he walked away from the encounter mortified, his pride all but destroyed. Ulquiorra kept on, wondering how this story could possibly end well for anyone involved.

When it was revealed that Mr. Darcy had been acting in the best interest of his friend, and that a man Elizabeth had put her trust in was a liar and a crook, Elizabeth was deeply ashamed of her conduct. However, she wasn't the only one whose behavior changed. When Mr. Darcy appeared in the story again, he was much improved, treating the people who were considered beneath him with respect.

Elizabeth discovered through a housekeeper that Mr. Darcy, who she had thought cold and proud, was a very generous and caring person – though perhaps a little introverted. She soon began to reciprocate his feelings, and hoped she hadn't scared him away after rejecting his proposal so rudely.

Eventually Mr. Darcy fixed the relationship between his friend and Elizabeth's sister, and even helped settle a family scandal. He confessed to Elizabeth that his feelings for her hadn't changed. She accepted his second proposal, convinced her father that she was truly in love with Mr. Darcy, and with the calamitous courtship over, they lived happily ever after.

Ulquiorra lowered the novel to the floor. He didn't even notice that it was dawn until he heard a noise outside of his bedroom door. Had he really spent the entire night reading a love story given to him by the woman?

His eyes widened. She'd given him a love story. One that she had chosen, consciously, while thinking of him.

It didn't mean anything, of course. It couldn't have meant anything. He seized the book and flipped through its pages again, scanning the text, replaying the sequence of events. What had that obnoxious cat lady said? Had she been insinuating that the woman was attracted to this Mr. Darcy? What made Mr. Darcy so attractive? He was just a chastised male.

Another noise came from the direction of the kitchen. Ulquiorra closed the book, stood, and crept noiselessly out of his bedroom. The woman was sleepily preparing an odd breakfast concoction, which appeared to consist of cereal, rice, and plums. She started at the sight of him. "Good morning Ulquiorra-kun! You look… rumpled?" She made hair-smoothing gestures.

Ulquiorra frowned and swept a hand through his hair. "I did not sleep."

"Nightmares?" He shook his head and held _Pride and Prejudice_ out to her. "Oh!" Orihime grabbed the book, her cheeks coloring. He'd stayed up all night reading? She held it against her chest and looked away from him. "Did you like it?"

Ulquiorra pocketed his hands. "It was a welcome change of pace." She seemed to be waiting for him to say something else; that, or she was falling asleep standing up, something he'd witnessed her do once or twice. "The outcome was enjoyable."

Orihime brightened at this. "Wasn't it? I was cheering for poor Mr. Darcy the whole time, but he _was_ in need of a serious attitude adjustment. Not that Elizabeth was any better! She totally prejudged him!" She giggled and pointed at the title. "Duh."

"You find the character of Mr. Darcy worth your sympathy?"

"Of course I do. He spends almost the entire book pining for Elizabeth and she doesn't even notice!" She reached for a plum, plopping it into her mouth. "Wouldn't you feel sorry for him?"

Ulquiorra spent the rest of the morning paranoid that she was onto him.

**/TBC/**

**A/N: **Many pardons for any awkwardness. My depression decided it wanted to visit right in the middle of this chapter and it took a few days to get back on track. But. _But. _Stuff is still happening!

What did you guys think of Ulquiorra's first no-death romance novel? 8D


	46. Haunted Houses and Hospitals

**Before You Read This Chapter: **Go to my profile page and follow the link for a** Tell Yourself special collaboration**! Story by me, drawings by the amazing **keitoz** (who writes stories here – you should check them out)!

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Bleach or any other copyrighted material.

**Tell Yourself**

**By: Princess Kitty1**

**Haunted Houses and Hospitals**

The apartment was filled with laughter on the afternoon of Halloween. In celebration of the dismal day, Orihime had invited everyone over to tell horror stories before they headed off to a local haunted house, which had sprung up in recent days. Naturally, the presence of so many people had Ulquiorra locked up in his bedroom. He was getting hungry, though; he'd have to go out there whether he wanted to or not.

The living room he found choked with the usual suspects, congregated around the Quincy, who was providing an account of some encounter with an unearthly creature in a low, dramatic voice. Ulquiorra exchanged blank looks with Tatsuki – a gesture of camaraderie – and glared at the woman who had latched onto Orihime, undoubtedly under the pretense of being scared.

If fear was such an unpleasant emotion, he thought as he pulled a package of sweet bread from the pantry, why did humans like to purposefully put themselves through it? And how could such inane stories scare people who had come face to face with Aizen?

There was a burst of shrieks, followed by laughter and applause. Ulquiorra headed for the hallway, almost free… "Ulquiorra-kun!" He sighed, turned, and gave the party a grimace. The woman either didn't notice his expression or chose to ignore it. "Do you have any horror stories to share?"

A laundry list of horrors witnessed in Hueco Mundo flitted through his mind. However, he didn't think it would do much to that particular group. "I do not know any," he said.

"You can make one up!" Orihime insisted, sending a dangerously dazzling smile his way.

Make one up? Now that he didn't have his virtual pets, Ulquiorra's imagination was generally employed by creating worst-case scenarios, daydreams that twisted his stomach into knots, and interesting ways to get back at Kisuke Urahara for managing to destroy Ulquiorra's neatly organized workspace on a regular basis. The others were waiting though, and he perceived any look from Kurosaki Ichigo to be a challenge, so he decided to try.

"You awaken in a room littered with debris. A glance out the window tells you that there has been some sort of apocalypse – buildings are crumbling, fires are burning, the sky is a blood-red color choked with ominous black clouds. You wonder how long you have been unconscious. You worry about your friends and family. Have they survived? Are you the only one left? You leave the room, thinking, anything is better than standing around with your suspense.

"As you walk along the cracked pavement, navigating rubble, you see movement up ahead. It is another person. They have seen you, and they are coming your way. Your mind floods with relief – only to be immediately replaced by horror. This person is missing at least half of their body, dragging along, with a scared smile on their face. You wish they hadn't seen you at all. It is a woman, you think. She asks if you've seen her children in a mournful voice. No, you answer, you have not. She moves along.

"You decide that since you survived the apocalypse sheltered in a building, perhaps you'll find more people – whole people – in the remains of the surrounding structures. There is a school up ahead. You walk into it, calling out for survivors. A door creaks open, catching your attention, but there doesn't seem to be anyone behind it. You walk into the classroom. It is filled with bones.

"And suddenly you hear the woman from earlier, shrieking. You close the door hurriedly and hold it shut, feeling it heave as the woman throws herself against it repeatedly. She accuses you of having her children. She demands to be let in. You realize that she was wearing a school lanyard, and you have wandered right into her homeroom."

Ulquiorra paused his narration. Orihime was holding onto Tatsuki, whose eyes were wide in an accusing, you-are-clearly-disturbed stare. Everybody else seemed equally surprised – the big guy named Chad had even gone pale. Ulquiorra turned away from them. "That is all I could think of."

Rukia let out a disappointed whine, but the others were freed of their tension and sagged with relief. Ulquiorra withdrew to his bedroom, where he stayed until the woman came by a while later to inform him that they were leaving. "Are you sure you don't want to come?" she asked.

"The so-called fun would be wasted on me," Ulquiorra replied. "I do not scare easily."

It was true; they'd watched horror movies that had given her nightmares, yet elicited no response from him. Orihime lingered by the doorway, feeling like she should say something else. Tatsuki called her from the living room. "I'll see you tonight, then."

Ulquiorra nodded, but a nagging sense in the back of his mind prompted him to open his mouth for once. "Enjoy yourself," he said.

A happy smile lit up Orihime's face. "Thanks. I will." She headed for the door, slapping her cheeks along the way. No, she thought, she wouldn't have enjoyed herself more if he'd been there to offer an arm for her to grab.

…

When Ulquiorra had the house to himself, he was prone to investigating things. He had gone through every single television channel, recoiling in disgust when he'd discovered that some of the higher numbers featured humans engaging in sexual intercourse. He'd pulled apart every electronic device in the house at some point. He'd even sucked the helium out of a balloon once to see if it really did drastically alter one's voice – he'd never done it again.

Tonight, however, he was filled with a restlessness that wouldn't let him investigate anything other than his own thoughts. He leaned against the back of the sofa, staring at Sora Inoue's picture. "She is acting strange," he told it, "but not in her usual overt and noisy way." He got no reply. "I have ruled out lack of sleep and illness. Had she been suffering from constant fevers, she'd have been bedridden by now."

Still nothing. He walked away from it, fighting the urge to go to Urahara's store. The cat woman had claimed to have an alternate theory. He'd thought that maybe she would tell him, seeing as she liked talking to him even when he didn't want her to, but she'd remained silent on the subject.

Ulquiorra sat on the sofa and stared at the television screen. How much simpler things had been in the beginning, when he'd been too busy figuring out his own behavior to worry about the woman's…

His cell phone buzzed. He picked it up and glanced at the display screen. _Woman's Friend_. Ulquiorra lifted the phone to his ear. "Hmm?"

"_Listen, you need to get down here now. Right now. Oh God._"

"Down where?" Ulquiorra asked, but Arisawa didn't seem to be paying him much attention. He heard someone else talking to her. The distant wail of a siren reached his ear.

"_Something happened. A gas leak, or… I don't know. Something went wrong. She hit her head. We got her out, but she hasn't woken up and…_" She was interrupted by another voice. "_Ichigo's dad is here too, so that's… she'll be fine, but you need to go to the hospital. Do you know where the hospital is_?"

Ulquiorra answered in the affirmative and ended the call. His thoughts had turned to static. He lowered his arm, staring unseeingly.

_She hit her head_.

He forced himself to stay in the apartment long enough to check that nothing was on or plugged in that didn't need to be. He couldn't understand. She'd been fine an hour ago. They were only going to a haunted house. She was surrounded by those friends of hers, the people who had fought through Hueco Mundo to save her – _how had she gotten hurt_? Were they really that incompetent? Had he been stupid enough to leave her in unreliable hands?

No. This was his fault. If he'd just swallowed his dislike of the others and gone with her, maybe she wouldn't have…

"Stop," he growled at himself. She was going to be fine, that's what Tatsuki had said. But the pesky thing about being human was that it was so easy to give in to the worst-case scenarios. For all he knew, the woman's condition had taken a turn and she was bleeding into her brain that very moment.

He ran out of the apartment at full _sonido _speed, not caring how much reiatsu was drained in the process.

…

The haunted house went up in flames after a gas leak had triggered a small explosion. Nobody had been killed, and those closest to the blast had been blown away from relative danger. They suffered cuts, bruises, some smoke inhalation, and ringing ears, but they were otherwise fine. This would have included Orihime, had her head not connected with the wall she'd been thrown into.

By the time Ulquiorra reached the emergency room, she was already awake, surrounded by the others, and asking questions. "But what happened?"

"The haunted house blew up," Ichigo told her. There was a small cut on his neck, the only part of him that hadn't been protected by clothing.

Orihime frowned. "Why were we at a haunted house?"

"It's Halloween."

She spotted Ulquiorra staring at her from the other side of the room. "Ulquiorra-kun!" she cried, waving him closer. He approached her, wary of the bandages wrapped around her head. Once close enough, she took his hand, gazing at him earnestly. "I'm sorry, I'm _so _sorry. I didn't think the hollow bait would poison you! It was supposed to be a joke."

Ulquiorra felt the stares of the others, waiting to see how he would react. "Woman," he said slowly, "that happened months ago."

Orihime's sorrow blended with confusion. "Really?" She looked down at their clasped hands, then lifted her head again. "Did I make it up to you?"

"Yes. Do not trouble yourself over that."

"She's suffering some memory loss. Ryuuken said it shouldn't be permanent, though. He's talking to her aunt and uncle on the phone," Uryuu filled him in.

Orihime looked at Ishida, her troubles instantly forgotten. "Are they going to stick me in an MRI machine? I've always wanted to lay in one of those."

"Orihime," Tatsuki sighed, shaking her head, "I know you're trying to cheer us up, but you should take this a little more seriously. We were really freaked out when you didn't wake up." She reached into her pocket, then held her hand out to Orihime. "Also…" She unclenched her fingers, revealing two broken hairpins. Orihime's smile wavered. "You crushed them when you fell."

Orihime lifted her hand, and Tatsuki dropped the pins into her palm. She poked at them sadly. "Oh, that's… that's okay. I can fix them, maybe. If not I can go see Hachi-san, and…" She trailed off, winced in pain, and turned to Ulquiorra again. "Did you read that book I gave you yet?"

"I did," he answered, wishing everyone else would leave. But at that moment, the Quincy's father arrived with a medical chart and an expression of perpetual annoyance.

"Inoue-san's aunt and uncle wanted to remove her to their home for looking after," he announced to nobody in particular. "I managed," his eyes narrowed at Ulquiorra and Orihime's hands in disdain, "to convince them that she would be better off in familiar surroundings, so she could recover her memories faster. Now then, she might not remember any part of today later on. Do remind her she's had a head injury."

On cue, Orihime tugged on Tatsuki's sleeve. "Why are we at the hospital?" she whispered. "Is somebody sick?"

Ulquiorra tried to take his hand back from her, not wanting to get evicted from the hospital on the Quincy's prejudiced whims, but Orihime held it tighter. She scowled at him as if he had no business pulling his own hand away.

"Who will be taking care of her?"

Chizuru scoffed and rolled her eyes. "Isn't it obvious?" She jabbed a thumb in Ulquiorra's direction.

"Are there any _humans _available to take care of her?" Ryuuken demanded.

"Ulquiorra-kun _is _human," Orihime snapped back almost frostily, yanking Ulquiorra's hand closer to her, "and perfectly qualified. Please do not insult him right in front of me. I'm brain-damaged, not stupid." The storm clouds passed from her face, and she beamed at Ulquiorra. "Besides, we need to get you a bathing suit for our trip to the beach!"

"It's October," he told her.

"What?"

"It's Halloween."

Orihime gasped. "Then we've missed the haunted house! What's everyone standing around for?"

Ulquiorra gave up on reclaiming his hand. "I will accept the responsibility of getting her well," he said to Ryuuken. After all, he still blamed himself for not going along with her, and he knew that she would have taken care of him, had the circumstances been reversed.

He was worried, of course. She couldn't go to her job if she couldn't even remember the day or the month. How long would she remain this way? What if she got worse? What if she hurt herself further because she couldn't remember something important?

The confused Orihime was whisked off for a number of exams and scans that showed no evidence of more serious conditions. She was observed overnight, then sent home with Ulquiorra, whose mood, she noticed, was in the pits. "Hey," she said as they waited to cross the street, "what's up?"

"I feel… guilty."

"For what?" Orihime smiled. "It's not like you were the one who knocked me in the head."

"I could have not stayed home."

"Oh no! Then both of our brains would be scrambled, and what would we have done then?" She gave him a sly look. "Could you imagine having to be taken care of by my friends? Being weaker than them? I mean, _I _don't mind, but…"

Ulquiorra's face darkened. "You are making fun of me."

"I figured I'd get away with it now, since you wouldn't dare seek revenge on a person who's as confused as I am." Orihime frowned. "It's October, right?"

"It's November."

"Close enough."

**/TBC/**

**A/N: **Happy Valentine's Day!I've been apologizing for this chapter on Tumblr since Tuesday, so I will apologize again: Sorry that I am a sadist and only know how to show affection by hurting people.

But, there is a silver lining! Ulquiorra gets to play doctor to an adorably injured Orihime. Let's just hope she hasn't forgotten anything important, eh?

**Q and A:**

_Will you be incorporating elements of the latest Bleach arc into this story_? Probably not. The canon of this fic assumes that everything was peachy after Aizen was defeated.

_Pride and Prejudice is one of my favorite books!_Mine too, friends. Mine too. I recently reread the whole book and made a farce of the story by translating it into subtext. Then I watched the movie and screamed over Mr. Darcy because he's such a lovable idiot. (If you haven't read Pride and Prejudice SHAME ON YOU GO DO IT NOW)

**This will probably be the last update this month **because I'm working on something important that's due on the 28th and I need all the time I can get for it. So unless inspiration strikes before then, see y'all in March!


	47. How Was Your Evening?

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Bleach or any other copyrighted material!

**Tell Yourself**

**By: Princess Kitty1**

**How Was Your Evening?**

Orihime's least favorite part of the day was waking up. There was something so depressing about leaving sleep, abandoning the warmth of her comfortable bed in order to venture out into the increasingly cold world. Of course, once she was up and dressed, she got past her sorrow and faced the morning with a smile.

She lifted her hand to rub her eyes, as she always did before opening them. Strange, her face had that salty, sticky quality left behind by tears. Her mouth stretched in a yawn, she extended her legs and toes, uncurled herself, and peered out of still-drooping lids.

Ulquiorra was lying next to her.

Orihime suppressed an audible gasp and quickly turned to her other side. What was he doing there? It wasn't the first time she'd woken up beside him – a memory of his sick day resurfaced, in which she had stayed by him in the night to make sure he didn't get any worse. This was, however, the first time she'd found him in _her _bed. At least, she thought it was.

She glanced over her shoulder. He was still there, his head resting on his folded arm, breathing like he was about to wake up. Orihime forced herself to face him, all the while trying to remember what had happened the night before. Her brain yielded no answers. The only thing she could tell for sure was that she'd been crying about something.

Ulquiorra's eyes opened. Orihime stared at him, tense, waiting for him to move or to say something in explanation. He seemed just as confused as she was. Then there was a flicker of comprehension, and he sat up quickly, not looking at her. "I will make breakfast," he said before quitting the room in a rush.

Orihime didn't know what to make of his reaction. She pushed herself up and tried desperately to recall any memories that would help her, but nothing came. Her mind was a moth-eaten tapestry full of holes, and even though it had only been two days since the accident – she still had a slight bump on her head – she was becoming frustrated with her inability to function at a hundred percent.

Since the night was lost to her, she tried instead to fetch back her memory of the day. Her effort yielded better results.

"_It looks like we have something in common now," Nel said to Orihime with a pleased smile. They were sitting together at the table with Yuzu Kurosaki, who had come along with her older brother to deliver a get-well cake to Orihime. Yuzu could neither see nor hear Nel, which left her squinting at the seemingly-empty-yet-occupied space across from her._

_Grimmjow had come along too, and was immediately placed in front of the television to keep him too distracted to wreak havoc. They'd been rather impressed by the power the machine held over him; Ichigo was sitting right next to him and he didn't even seem to notice._

"_The fuck is going on?" Grimmjow muttered, not seeming to want an answer despite his confusion._

_Ulquiorra stood beside the picture of Sora, radiating displeasure._

_Orihime tapped the bump on her head and winced. "The doctors said I shouldn't get any worse, but I feel like I remember less today than I did yesterday." Ulquiorra sent her a sharp look. "I don't think that's the case, of course! I just wasn't as aware as I am now. It's all very strange."_

"_Do you remember the show you did with Don Kanonji a few weeks ago?" Yuzu asked her._

_Orihime thought about it. "Sora-nii was visiting, and Ulquiorra-kun helped scare the audience, and Soul Society got really mad about it. The images are kind of fuzzy, but they're there at least." She'd been able to sort out the chronological order of the memories she did have, but the absence of others led to plenty of unnecessary distress. Just that morning Ulquiorra had reminded her that the battery had died on his virtual pets, which was why he wasn't attending to them. She'd delivered a speech at a funeral she couldn't remember._

The memory cut off there. Orihime changed into a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt, wondering why she was home and not at school. Nel and Grimmjow had appeared in the afternoon, so what had she been doing in the morning?

"_Inoue-san, we know that you want to keep coming to class, but if you're missing several parts of the unit…"_

"_We can help her," Ishida offered, and he was backed up by Chizuru's enthusiastic nod. "She isn't that far behind, and maybe some quizzing will refresh the material."_

_Orihime stood between them and the teacher, a deep sense of guilt gnawing on her heart. "It's fine," she told them, "I'll stay home and read the textbooks again. Not sure if that'll help me remember, but relearning it could only boost my grades, right?" She smiled and laughed, reassured them she was fine, and left school early._

Ulquiorra had been surprised when she'd turned up at Urahara's store, but he hadn't pressed her for details. She liked that about him, she thought… among other things.

Her face burned as she washed it in the sink. Of all the things she had to remember! So many more important memories gone, and her brain had chosen to hold onto those nagging sentiments. She tried not to think about it. For now, her principle concern was figuring out how he'd ended up in her bed the night before, and she had a feeling she'd worry him if she confessed to not knowing what had happened.

Ulquiorra paid her little attention when she walked into the living room. Yesterday, he'd asked her homework questions between customers and warehouse duty. When he hadn't been available, Tessai had taken over the quizzing. Urahara had declared homework to be boring and tried to coax Orihime into making an attempt to fix her hairpins.

It was distressing to see them in that state, shattered by the force of her hitting the wall after the explosion. She wondered if she'd be able to restore her own mind with their power…

Breakfast was prepared, and Orihime sat across from Ulquiorra, who ate silently. Urahara had given him the day off, presumably to keep an eye on her. She felt annoyed. She wasn't an invalid; they didn't have to supervise her, or worry that she'd set the apartment on fire – well, maybe she would. If she couldn't remember what had happened before she'd gone to bed, why would she remember putting something on the stove?

"Do not cry, woman. You will recover in time."

Orihime looked up at Ulquiorra. He was still eating, composed and quiet as he had been, only there were tears running down her cheeks that hadn't been there a minute ago. She wiped them off hastily. "I feel so stupid."

Ulquiorra put his chopsticks down. "Do you recall a conversation we had when you were overexerting yourself to the point of illness?"

"We've had a lot of conversations…"

"Stop making excuses and think. There is one in particular that I refer to."

Orihime twisted the bottom of her shirt around her fingers. Overexertion probably meant it had been exam time. She did remember that conversation, because that was when Ulquiorra had showed her the money he'd been making at Urahara's store. "You said that there's nothing wrong with wanting to prove my strength, but there's also nothing wrong with asking for help."

"You have not asked for help," Ulquiorra stated, "and already you have tried to dissuade your friends from going through the trouble."

"I know." Orihime bowed her head. "How are you always right?"

"I am not always right," he reminded her.

She cracked a smile at that, remembering the clash of ideals that had occurred in Hueco Mundo. "Thanks," she said, and would have added more had a memory not slid back into place.

_Ulquiorra had been about to go to his own room. It was close to midnight, and he'd stopped at her door to make sure that she didn't need anything. She beckoned him closer, then invited him to sit on the edge of her bed when he'd stood awkwardly beside it._

_Orihime said nothing at first, but after a moment, she took Ulquiorra's hand and occupied herself with examining his fingers. "You have become quite possessive of my hand lately," he noted._

"_Does it annoy you?"_

_"No. But I must confess that I do not understand why you are so interested in it." Orihime was so quiet that he had to prompt her to speak again._

"_My brain's a mess," she whispered. "So much is missing. And I know it sounds silly, but I feel like…" Her eyes filled with tears. "I'm afraid of forgetting any more of our time together. I'm afraid that if I let go of you, I'll lose more of those memories, and I don't want to do that. It's not fair to you, Ulquiorra-kun."_

_He scowled at that. "You are the one who is injured, and you're worried about being unfair to me?"_

"_I'm sorry I forgot."_

"_Enough. You did not do it on purpose. It doesn't matter."_

_"But it does matter! What if I forget about when you came back? What if I wake up tomorrow and I don't understand why you're here?" She began sobbing._

"_You're acting hysterical," Ulquiorra said over her crying. "The Quincy doctor said that you were not going to lose any more of your memory. And even if he was wrong, and you did start forgetting things, nobody would stand by idly and let it happen."_

"_I know that, but I'm scared!" she cried, pulling his hand closer and dripping tears on his skin. "I'm so scared…"_

_Ulquiorra gazed down at her. "You pick the strangest things to fear."_

_Embarrassingly, she kept on crying, unable to stop herself. She knew that it was completely irrational, but she had a right to be scared. Parts of her life were missing – important parts, irreplaceable memories and experiences. She couldn't lose anymore. She didn't want to go back to how things had been before Ulquiorra had appeared in the park that rainy afternoon._

"_W-Will you stay with me?" she asked him, realizing that she had never asked back then; she'd simply brought him home._

Ulquiorra's reply had been to settle down beside her. Perhaps he hadn't meant to fall asleep, which had explained his embarrassment that morning, but he'd stayed, holding her hand the entire night.

"Ulquiorra-kun,"

He looked up at her again. "Yes?"

"I've never really understood why you came to me all that time ago… but I'm glad you did."

She picked up her bowl and started eating again, leaving Ulquiorra with a flood of words on the tip of his tongue. No, he thought, it wasn't the time to say all of those things. Not while she could still forget them.

If he ever got the courage to tell her that she was the reason he was alive, he would need her undivided attention.

**/TBC/**

**A/N: **How do I romance? I don't even know what I'm doing anymore. I'm just word-vomiting Ulquihime feels and hoping they come out in a cohesive narrative because damn it all Kubo-sensei they deserve each other! -sobs violently-

Interactions becoming more meaningful! Things being said! Things needing to be said! I don't know, what do you guys think?


	48. Because of the Heart

**A/N: **And now, since Orihime's memory needs jogging, a companion chapter to _If I Were the Rain_.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Bleach or any other copyrighted material

**Tell Yourself**

**By: Princess Kitty1**

**Because of the Heart**

It was raining. The sky overhead was a tribute to every shade of gray, each color containing a little more or a little less moisture than the next. Added to the usual sounds of the day were the splashes of car tires kicking up small waves, children leaping in puddles, a symphony of percussion as the droplets landed on every sort of surface with no end in sight. It hadn't rained that hard in a while. She wanted to take full advantage of it.

She donned a pair of rubber boots that came up to her knees and set out into the gloom, stepping from puddle to puddle, making a game of it. She pretended that she was a water spirit, unable to travel on dry ground. The clouds had freed her from their prisons at last, but they had dumped her too far from the ocean, and she had to find her way back on her own. _Do water spirits wear bunny hoodies_? she questioned herself with a giggle.

It was a nice distraction from exams, work, her own thoughts. She'd tried wrapping herself up in them to avoid admitting that things had been rather unexciting lately. There was the usual classmate gossip: Ryo had won a race at another school, Ishida-kun had been voted student council president, Kurosaki-kun and Kuchiki-san had started dating…

She laughed at that. Exactly what she found so funny was beyond her, or rather, it was beyond what she wanted to own up to. Jealousy was an ugly feeling – surprise, an unexpected one. Perhaps she'd thought that things would stay the same forever. She couldn't even claim naivety. It was self-deception at its finest, and she felt like a fool.

To further prove her own childishness, her feet had carried her right into a small playground, which contained a slide, a swing-set, a field, and a sandbox that she'd absentmindedly trodden through. There were no kids to be seen; just her, in her bunny jacket, with mud caked to the bottom of her boots. She wiped rainwater off one of the plastic swings and sat down, rocking herself back and forth.

It was amazing, her ability to go from a good mood to a melancholy one in a matter of seconds. She'd tried breaking the habit several times, because she didn't want to be sad. No one wanted to be sad. But that wasn't fair to sorrow, which was itself a human emotion, and had a right to be felt. Plus, there were benefits to being sad. When one was sad, they sought the comfort of the people they cared about, thus forging stronger bonds with them. Crying relieved stress, and made sleeping easier. How long had it been since she'd let herself cry?

Suddenly a gust of wind blew back her hood and sent a spray of rain into her face and hair. She gasped, surprised, and let go of the swing's chain to recapture the hood, but the motion sent her off balance. She was falling.

Then two hands landed on her shoulders and steadied her.

Her heart skipped a beat. She took hold of the chains again, her hood forgotten. She lifted her head to thank the kind stranger who had surely gone out of their way to help her, and came face to face with Ulquiorra Cifer, a vision so startling that she briefly wondered if she'd woken up that morning.

"U-Ulquiorra…"

He stood behind her, staring down into her eyes with his own piercing green. At the mention of his name, however, his strength failed him. His eyes closed, his legs gave out. He collapsed in a heap on the wet ground, and the world, which had for that moment spun around Orihime in a deafening roar of rain, was quiet again.

She sat on the swing, half-twisted in his direction, too stunned to move. Was he dead? He'd certainly seemed to have died the last time she saw him, a memory that had brought her pain whenever it surfaced. Slowly, she stood from the plastic seat and lowered herself to the ground beside his unmoving body. He'd fallen on his side, which brought to her attention the alarming fact that the bone helm on the left of his skull was gone. She reached out and touched his face. The skin was flushed, hot beneath her fingertips. He had a fever.

With extreme care, she turned him onto his back, noting that the white Espada uniform he wore was soaked, as if he'd been walking in the rain all day. Why would he be wandering around in such bad weather? Why was he even there? She'd seen him die, she'd tried to grab his hand and…

The hollow hole was gone. Orihime saw it plain as day beneath his collar, and laid her palm on the place where the hole had been. She felt a pulse.

Her dreamlike trance was broken instantly. She seized Ulquiorra's wrists, turned around, and pulled him up to lay against her back. Her legs trembled as she stood up with him, but steadied once she'd gotten her feet planted. She had to get him out of the rain. She needed to take him to someone who could come up with a better theory for his sudden reappearance in her life.

"Hold on, Ulquiorra," she said, though she wasn't sure he could hear her.

The walk to the store was a tiring one, filled with inquiring stares from passerby and whispers made unintelligible by the rain. She had to stop once or twice to catch her breath, shoulder the unconscious Ulquiorra into a better position, or wait for traffic to clear enough for her to make her sluggish way across the street. But she made it all the same, and let go of Ulquiorra's arm to pound her fist against the door. "Urahara-san!"

A light came on at the back of the store. Rainy days made Urahara lazy; he had a bad habit of sending everyone home and closing shop in the middle of the afternoon. She saw him step out into the hall, glance in her direction, and then stick his head into the room he'd left before hurrying to unlock the door. Yoruichi emerged seconds later, and hovered next to Urahara as Orihime brought Ulquiorra inside.

"What happened, Inoue-san?"

"Come over here. There's a spare room. This way."

"Were you attacked?"

"But Kisuke, that's…"

"I know." Urahara flipped the light on in the spare room, where Yoruichi was already rolling out a futon. Once it was ready, Orihime stepped onto it and crouched down enough to set Ulquiorra down without hurting him. He let out a quiet groan, but otherwise, remained unconscious. Orihime turned to Urahara.

"Do you have any dry clothes he can borrow?"For some reason, the question drew nothing but bewildered stares from the shopkeepers. "He has a fever," she said, hoping that would prompt some action.

Urahara let out an amused chuckle. "I'll see what I can find. Come with me, Yoruichi-san."

They disappeared for a while, leaving Orihime alone with Ulquiorra, who breathed deeply and didn't stir. She grappled with the top half of his Espada uniform and managed to get it off, her eyes once again drawn to the place where the hollow hole had been. The rank number was gone as well. His reiatsu was different from before: not quite like an arrancar, but not much like hers either. With the soaked jacket still in her grasp, she bent over and pressed her ear to his chest.

_Thmp. Thmp. Thmp._

She pulled away from him. How had this happened? She closed her eyes and found herself back on the dome of Las Noches, watching him turn to ash, grasping futilely for a hand that was no longer there. She hadn't done anything then. She hadn't…

Urahara and Yoruichi walked back in. "Oh, Inoue-san! Don't worry about that. Allow me," the former said, and took over the changing process. Orihime turned her face away, but remained where she was. She wondered what they were thinking. Yoruichi was staring at her with a slight frown, though it appeared that her mind was elsewhere. "It's strange, isn't it," Urahara mused, "that he should come to Karakura Town seeking you out, Inoue-san. And in such a state! You can turn around now."

He'd found a plain robe for Ulquiorra – a size too big, but it worked for the time being. "Urahara-san, what happened to him?" Orihime asked, handing Kisuke the jacket as well.

"Your guess is as good as mine. I'd like to keep him overnight to do a full analysis of this interesting reiatsu, but I'm not sure how he'd feel about that." Urahara tapped his chin. "Ah, and I summoned Kurosaki-san. Hope you don't mind."

It took ten more minutes for Ichigo to arrive, and he wasn't happy. "Your bloody horror movie message broke my window!" he yelled. Behind him, Rukia was equally sour-faced, and covered in red paint.

Urahara tittered behind his fan. "Oh my, Kurosaki-san! But for Kuchiki-san to have been hit by so much paint, she would have had to be on your bed."

"Shut up! How do you know what my bedroom looks like, you pervert?" Ichigo cried, his face flaming. Then he saw who was on the futon, and his eyes went wide, his mouth falling open. Orihime looked up at him. "Inoue, what...?"

"Yes, why don't you tell us all what happened, from the beginning?" Urahara asked. Orihime explained it to them falteringly. They were looking for answers, but so was she. Nothing about this made sense to her. When she was finished, Urahara tapped his chin with his fan. "He didn't say anything?" She shook her head. "Well, there you have it, Kurosaki-san. It seems that our friend the Espada has returned from the dead in more ways than one."

Orihime considered this. He had a heart – where it came from, she couldn't say – which meant that he wasn't an arrancar anymore. She was so absorbed in her thoughts that she wasn't aware that Yoruichi had addressed her until she put her hand on her shoulder. "You can go home if you want to, Orihime. If you stay in those wet clothes, you'll catch a cold."

Orihime looked at Ulquiorra. "But…" _But he came to me._

"We'll call you if he wakes up," Yoruichi promised.

She left the shop reluctantly, glad that the rain had let up at least. It was rapidly becoming dark outside, and the clouds continued to pass overhead, threatening another downpour. She walked quickly, no longer interested in puddle-hopping. She was worried about Ulquiorra. Maybe it was crazy of her. Perhaps she was feeling the wrong thing, or acting on impulse with no real reason. But Orihime couldn't help herself. Being home granted her no peace, and she stayed up half the night with her thoughts.

She could guess why Ulquiorra had come to _her_. In Hueco Mundo, they'd had something of a… "friendship" was not the word. A cordial companionship? He'd been charged with keeping an eye on her, and she'd filled the empty spaces with conversation, which he had returned every once in a while. There was the strain of the situation between them. He probably wouldn't have even bothered talking to her if it hadn't been for that.

At least, that's how things had been in the beginning. Later he had sought her out specifically to ask her questions. Was that why he was there? Did he have more questions about the heart, now that he'd somehow gained one?

The phone did not ring the entire night. Orihime began to worry that he'd already woken up, and that the others had kept her away on purpose. She gave up trying to sleep, got dressed, and was out the door with the first light of the sun, having come to a decision.

When she reached the convenience store, she heard voices. "…must calm down, Espada-san! You still aren't well-"

"Where is the woman?" Orihime froze between two aisles. "Summon her at once."

"It's early morning. She's probably asleep, but – alright, there's no need to point fingers. Your situation is precarious so I would advise you not to make a scene. Rukia Kuchiki was sent back to Soul Society with a full report on – "

"The woman," Ulquiorra said again, and Orihime took a step closer. "Bring her here."

"You're in no position to be making demands, Espada-san."

"It's alright!" Orihime cried, jogging into the back room. "I'm here." She saw Yoruichi with a phone at her ear, which she then flipped closed.

"Ah, Inoue-san! You're as fresh as a mountain spring in the morning!" Kisuke said cheerfully. He had his cane in hand, though, and hadn't looked away from Ulquiorra. "Our friend has just woken up and he's been making an awful racket ever since. Thank goodness you've arrived!"

Orihime approached Ulquiorra, whose index finger was aimed at Kisuke while he surveyed the room. She crouched beside him, and he turned those bright green eyes on her, which were narrowed slightly with what she might have guessed was anxiety. "Good morning, Ulquiorra. Is there something you wanted with me?" she asked him gently. He stared at her, but he didn't say a word. After a few seconds, he lowered his arm. Orihime smiled. "Urahara-san," she said, "I'm going to take him home with me."

"Orihime…" Yoruichi began to protest, but a look from Urahara cut her off. "Soul Society might have a problem with that," she said instead.

"Then they can take it up with me," Orihime replied. "He can't go back to Hueco Mundo if he isn't a hollow anymore. There's room enough in my apartment for him. I don't think he would like staying with Kurosaki-kun or Ishida-kun, and he doesn't know anyone else."

"He isn't a pet, Inoue-san," Urahara threw in.

"Nor is _she_ as incapable as your tones of voice imply that she is," Ulquiorra said suddenly, surprising the three of them. He looked away, and spoke no more.

Orihime blinked. Had he just defended her? Was that his way of consenting to the arrangement? Obviously, he was there because he wanted something from her. What it was, she didn't know, but she could guess that he wasn't going to say anything in front of people that he didn't trust.

_Trust_. Ulquiorra trusted her, and no one else. The notion struck her hard, and resided in her mind and in her heart while she relayed to Urahara the basics of her decision. It was as wonderful as it was strange. She wasn't sure what she'd done to earn that trust, but she was glad that she had it. As silly and selfish as it was, she felt… special, distinguished.

It made her realize, as they left the store and headed towards her apartment, that she might have connected with someone after all.

**/TBC/**


	49. Proximity

**A/N: **My Ulquihime inspiration has been suffering as of late. Kubo's giving me nothing to recharge with, and other fandoms are sweeping me away. But I'm still trying! You will notice two new one-shots on my profile page: **Flinch **and **Unmistakable**. In other news, I adopted a cat! Also, my birthday is on May 24th! I'm turning 23, and I think it's time to start making attempts to get into graduate school.

**Warnings: **We're doing something different with today's chapter!

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Bleach or any other copyrighted material.

**Tell Yourself**

**By: Princess Kitty1**

**Proximity**

_November 7_

"Then Keigo-kun said that he wasn't imagining things, he'd _really _seen a ghostly woman in her late thirties wandering down the hallway. And Kurosaki-kun comes out with," Orihime lowered the jelly-filled pastry from her mouth and did her best impression of the shinigami, "_Keigo, you can see spirits, remember_? And Keigo-kun got upset and muttered something about it being creepy anyway."

Ulquiorra handed a bag full of groceries to the half-deaf old lady across the counter. "Woman," he said, turning to Orihime, "I thought you had to work today."

Orihime, who was seated on the counter in her school uniform, blinked at him. "I took the day off." She broke into a grin and flushed pink. "Actually, I couldn't remember the recipe for the sweet breads so I was too embarrassed to go in! I didn't want to cause them any trouble."

"Ah." In one syllable he somehow managed to simultaneously lecture her about her health and express his concern that perhaps she wasn't healing as fast as the doctors hoped she would. By saying nothing in return, she chided him for worrying too much.

Orihime watched Ulquiorra work the cash register, his hand habitually coming up to stop the drawer from shooting out and hitting him in the stomach. From what she'd heard, the machine had been malfunctioning since before he'd started working there, but Urahara had yet to bother replacing it. Orihime took a small bite of the pastry. "Ulquiorra-kun,"

"Hmm,"

"I know this may sound sudden, but I was giving it a lot of thought, and," she took a deep breath, "I want to cut back on my hours at the bakery." He looked at her again. "There's really no need for me to work so much. Your paycheck covers most of the bills, and when you add it to mine… we've saved a lot of money between the two of us."

Ulquiorra closed the register drawer. "You could have cut back earlier," he said.

She gazed at her hands. "I guess? I didn't want to take advantage of your kindness – eep!" Orihime squeaked when Ulquiorra grabbed her chin and turned her head to face him. He was glaring at her, annoyed, but more to the point, they were practically nose to nose. "Alright! I'll take advantage of your kindness!" she cried, her skin bursting into color.

She'd expected him to let go of her immediately, but Ulquiorra appeared to have come over distracted, and his hand lingered. What was going on? Orihime's heartbeat was accelerating unnaturally fast. Her thoughts flew into the danger zone, her eyes flickered to his mouth…

And then Ulquiorra wiped a spot of jelly from her cheek and pulled away from her. "You will be able to focus more on your recovery," he stated, before promptly disappearing into the back hallway. He needed to get one of those snacks for himself, so he wouldn't go searching the woman's lips for any crumbs she might have left behind.

_November 10_

"That one. Definitely that one," Orihime said, motioning with her finger for Ulquiorra to turn around. "See, it's not so baggy in the back like the other one was. There's nothing to do about the fact that you're naturally skinny. Any attempts to conceal it make you look like you're wearing hand-me-downs."

Ulquiorra straightened the long-sleeved shirt he was trying on. "I do not see why I need more sweaters."

"Because it's winter, and you've got like two that I bought you on a peasant's salary last year. Isn't this one much nicer? Look, the fabric is better so it won't come out of the washing machine a heap of thread." Orihime pushed him back into the changing room. "Next shirt!"

"We have been here for an hour," Ulquiorra complained, but she wouldn't hear it. She flapped her hand at him until he disappeared into the cubicle with a resigned sigh.

According to Tatsuki and Chizuru, going clothes shopping together was married couple behavior – which was, Orihime suspected, the reason they hadn't come along. They were totally on to her. She'd politely reminded them that Ulquiorra was her responsibility, which they'd railed against, claiming she made him sound like a dog.

The door opened and Ulquiorra stepped out in a white button-up shirt. "The sleeves are too long."

Orihime walked up to him and lifted his arm. "Yeah, but when that happens you just fold them back like so." She rolled the sleeve once, then did the same to the other, freeing Ulquiorra's hands. "There! What do you think?"

"It is perhaps more formal than necessary."

"What's wrong with formal? You don't have anything formal, and what if tomorrow you're summoned to meet the emperor? I'm not sending you to the emperor in a cheap t-shirt."

"Why would I be summoned to meet the emperor?"

"Humor me!" Orihime cried, reaching for his collar and fixing it. "You'll need a tie."

"Excuse us," a voice sang out to their right. Two employees pushing a wheeled clothing rack were trying to get through, offering them apologetic smiles. Orihime stepped closer to Ulquiorra without thinking, her hands sliding down from his collar to his chest in the process, evoking a sharp intake of breath from the former Espada. He remained motionless until the employees had passed by, then separated from Orihime as if she'd burned him.

"No ties," he said gruffly.

Orihime held up a finger. "Not even one?" The dressing room door slammed in her face.

_November 15_

"It's so cold!" Orihime drew her scarf tighter around her neck. "And worse, I think it's starting to rain."

The day had been a dreary one, breaking the marathon of sunny skies and tolerably crisp autumn weather. It was the kind of cold that snuck its way past fabric, penetrated skin, and chilled the very bones.

Ulquiorra had gone to work prepared, however. He carried an unopened umbrella that he handed off to Orihime without a second thought. "Protect yourself."

"What about you?" she asked, holding the umbrella in front of them before she opened it.

"We do not have long to walk, and besides, it is just a drizzle." But even as he said this, the sky broke open and the light rain turned into a downpour. Pedestrians ducked into shops and under awnings. Orihime frowned at Ulquiorra and thrust the umbrella back at him. "Keep it," he insisted.

Orihime put a hand on her hip. "You're going to get sick!"

"Not if you walked faster."

Her eyes narrowed. "Did you just sass me?" Ulquiorra kept his gaze averted in a way that suggested he had, but would never own up to such childish behavior. Orihime snapped the umbrella closed and used it to jab him in the ribs. He grabbed the tip and pushed it away. She tried to wrestle it from his grip, but appeared to have forgotten that Ulquiorra was a skilled swordsman; before she knew it she had her back against a cement wall and the tip of the umbrella pressing into her chin. "No fair," she grumbled.

"It was a valiant effort, "Ulquiorra assured her. He withdrew the umbrella, opened it, then held his hand out to Orihime. "You will have to stay close. It's not very wide."

She took his hand, hoping he would dismiss the blush on her cheeks as weather-related rosiness.

_November 18_

Orihime sat beneath the kotatsu as she stared at her class notes, chewing on the end of her mechanical pencil. She was falling asleep, if truth be told, but she wanted to get a decent amount of studying done before she turned in for the night.

Occasionally she would glance up at Ulquiorra, who was watching some kind of television documentary. Wasn't he cold? She'd invited him to sit under the kotatsu earlier, and he'd refused, for reasons unknown.

Come to think of it, he had been distancing himself since the rainy day. Or was she imagining things? She knew Ulquiorra well enough to tell his brooding from his good moods, and it seemed to her that he'd been taking measures to put a few feet between them at all times. Had she upset him? Intruded on his personal space a little more than he was comfortable with? Should she apologize?

"Ulquiorra-kun," she began, then wasn't sure how to proceed.

Ulquiorra looked at her. "Do you need help?"

Orihime shook her head once and focused on her notes. It had been almost a week since she'd last forgotten anything, and her memories were all in the right order. Her next doctor's appointment would probably confirm that she'd made a full recovery, so she could rely on her own effort to study for her upcoming English test.

To her surprise, she heard the television click off. Ulquiorra stood from the sofa and came to her side, disregarding the real-or-imagined barrier that had very recently sprung up between them. "I'm fine," Orihime said, but made room for him anyway.

"Something is troubling you."

"Not… really. I thought for some reason that you might be mad at me. You're _not_ mad at me, are you?"

"No," Ulquiorra replied, "I am not." He had simply been confused by the slight changes in her behavior. Because he was biased, he thought he saw more to her increased proximity to him than there probably was. And because it was too much to bear at times, he had imposed a little bit of distance.

Unfortunately, he was helpless against her pull; one glance and he'd come back to her side as if he had been summoned. The relief that he saw on her face made it that much harder to wander away. He realized that on some level, she wanted him to be near her, and the implications were haunting him.

He wondered how much longer his restraint would last.

**/TBC/**


	50. Love Story VII

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Bleach or any other copyrighted material.

**Tell Yourself**

**By: Princess Kitty1**

**Love Story VII**

Ulquiorra tried never to question Orihime's emergency trips to the fabric store. "It's absolutely necessary!" she'd yell at him whenever he asked her if she _really_ needed more. There was an entire stockpile of fabric in the apartment, and lately it had started taking over his closet, since hers had become full. It didn't help that she always kept some on hand in case the Quincy ran out.

But Ulquiorra had nothing better to do, so he accompanied Orihime out into the cold Saturday afternoon. December would be upon them soon. While she sifted through drawers full of colorful lace, he started composing excuses to get out of any social gathering she might later implore him to attend. This kept him entertained enough to miss the conversation between Orihime and the fabric store's cashier, who knew her by name.

"Oh, is that your boyfriend Inoue-san? He's handsome!" the young woman whispered.

Orihime shook her head quickly. "No! He's just a friend."

"But he must like you if he was willing to come in here with you."

"That's not true. I come in here with Ishida-kun all the time." The cashier replied with a yard-long stare. Orihime smiled at her, then took her bag of purchases and retrieved Ulquiorra from the display of Christmas-themed fabric.

They left the store, walking along in a comfortable silence. Orihime was just beginning to wonder whether she should ask him something when Ulquiorra lifted his head. "This route is familiar."

"Is it?" Orihime asked, then she realized why. "Oh! Look," she pointed down a hill of browning grass to their left, "that's the place where we met again!" She took off towards the playground at the bottom of the slope, and Ulquiorra followed, hands in his pockets.

Orihime set her bag down and claimed the first swing, dropping onto the plastic seat cheerfully. "How nostalgic!" she cried as Ulquiorra came over and sat on the second swing. "I haven't been here since that day."

"Is this a place you frequented before?" he asked her.

She hummed. "Admittedly, I ended up here once or twice whenever I was in a bad mood."

"Then you are… happier now."

Orihime heard the question in his tone. She rocked herself back and forth on the swing, her hands gripping the cold chains that supported it. "I am, though I couldn't tell you why I was unhappy before." She tilted her head skyward. "It was weird. Most days I'd be perfectly fine. Then other days I'd get home, do some chores, work on homework, and right in the middle of eating dinner I'd become sad."

"It sounds like loneliness."

Orihime considered that. Hadn't she recently cried herself to sleep because she didn't want things to go back to how they were before Ulquiorra had come to live with her? Was it loneliness that she'd been so terrified of? She looked at him. "What about you?" she asked, sitting upright, "Are you happier now?"

"Yes," he said instantly.

Orihime laughed. "You didn't even have to think about it."

"To me, it is a question that does not require much thought. I have lived longer than even I can recall, and there is not a single memory before the past year that I find worth cherishing." He heard the creaking of the swing slow to a stop, and found her gazing at him with open curiosity. "This should not surprise you, woman. Hueco Mundo is not a place one should go looking for happiness."

"Oh, I figured. It's just that you've never talked about it before," Orihime said, leaning awkwardly on the chain. "Guess you have your reasons, huh?"

"You haven't asked me," Ulquiorra pointed out.

She squirmed. "I didn't want to pry."

"If it is you, I would never consider it prying." He saw her eyes widen and mentally reprimanded himself; he'd been watching too much television. He tried again. "Considering all that you have done for me, it would be unfair to leave any questions you may have unanswered."

"I hope you don't feel like you owe me anything, Ulquiorra-kun, because you don't," Orihime said, her brow furrowing.

"On the contrary," Ulquiorra replied, "I owe you my life."

Orihime stared at him, her grip on the chains tightening. Her heart was skipping beats like stones. She knew him well enough to understand that it wasn't in his nature to say such things lightly; brushing his words off with modesty was out of the question. Luckily he saved her the need for an immediate response. "You mentioned the other day that you do not know why I came to you all that time ago." She nodded. "I did not fully comprehend it myself at the time; I was hardly lucid. The one thing that was certain was what I felt in…"

He wasn't looking at her, but Orihime guessed what he meant to say. "Your heart?"

Ulquiorra stared straight ahead. "I have no concrete explanation for how this heart came to exist. Before I died, I had reached an understanding about the heart in general, through your gesture. Whether or not that was powerful enough to create one in me, I cannot say… logically. It is what I felt.

"I came here, in part, for answers. But also because I felt that you were the only person that I could trust in the midst of my confusion. There was no guarantee, of course; you could have turned me over to Soul Society while I was still unconscious. The heart was the only guidance I had. Feel free to laugh at the irony."

Orihime leaned towards him. "I would never!" It took a well-timed look for her to realize that he had been kidding. The heat crept back into her cheeks. She wanted to tell him that he gave her too much credit, that she hadn't done anything – a fact that had chewed at her conscience more than twice before. But there was no way she could tell him that what he felt was wrong, when she knew that it was her own doubts that clouded her judgment. "I'm sorry. This is a lot to take in. I-I don't know what to say."

"You are not obligated to say anything."

"I want to, though!" she protested, standing from the swing. "I'm happy to have your confidence, Ulquiorra-kun! I haven't told you so before, but it's true. It makes me_ so_ happy. And if you feel like you owe me some kind of debt, then repay it by being happy too!"

Ulquiorra took in the sight of the woman before him, wondering how his desire for her could have possibly increased, unbearable enough as it had been. He stood up, taking a deep breath of cold air. "Your terms are fair. I will join in the human pursuit of happiness."

Orihime beamed at him, satisfied. At that moment a group of children came running into the park, squealing and headed straight for the slide. Orihime picked up the bag of fabric. "I suppose that's our cue to go!"

They trekked back up the hill, headed for home, each lost in their own thoughts. Orihime could concentrate on nothing save for the warmth that was spreading from her chest to every corner of her body. Her steps felt lighter, and her hands shook a little with nervous energy. The knowledge that Ulquiorra held her in such high regard filled her stomach with more butterflies than she could manage.

She even found herself hoping that someday that regard would turn into something deeper.

**/TBC/**

**A/N: **The alternate title for this chapter is "In Which Orihime is Oblivious About Men's Feelings." (I kid, I kid.) Did y'all enjoy the fact that Ulquiorra was telling the love story this time?

Thanks for the birthday wishes everybody! Also, to answer the question, **my kitty's name is Rogue**. She is a vocal black cat who likes to tear up the stairs, attack her toys after pooping, and eat things she shouldn't eat off the floor.

Now that some things are out in the open, will Ulquiorra and Orihime naturally gravitate towards each other until the inevitable collision? My brain says yes. She promises a relationship before chapter sixty.


	51. A Wish Your Heart Makes

**A/N: **It slipped my mind last chapter, but I'd like to thank you all for the 2000 reviews! Your comments and feedback are all cherished by me, and I hope I can continue to see this story through until its end! And now for a chapter that was requested ages ago. Sorry it took me this long!

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Bleach or any other copyrighted material.

**Tell Yourself**

**By: Princess Kitty1**

**A Wish Your Heart Makes**

"No."

"Woman, this is nonnegotiable. I have work today."

"Not anymore. I called Urahara-san and told him you wouldn't be coming in."

"That is all that you said? No explanation?"

"He didn't ask for one. He just giggled and said he wanted to hear all about it from you later, whatever that means. When did you two become so close?"

"We are _not close_," Ulquiorra growled, appalled at the very thought of it. He sat down on the sofa, where Orihime was perched with a stack of DVDs in her lap. "What is the meaning of this? I told you that I already know what Disney is."

Orihime's chest swelled like that of an angry hen. "I know you know what Disney is! But you said that _you didn't get it_, and what that means is that somewhere in the past year, I have gone horribly wrong in my attempts to educate you!" She rifled through the stack until coming to the movie she was searching for. "Therefore, the two of us won't be going anywhere until you're begging me to take you to Tokyo Disneyland!"

"You had better be prepared to flunk out of high school, then."

Orihime stood up and glared at him over her shoulder. "I'm not sure I like your tone, mister."

"It is the same as always," Ulquiorra assured her. "And for the record, in the future, you will refrain from telling the buffoon that I am indisposed unless I am truly indisposed."

"I didn't tell him you were indisposed. Now go make some popcorn! We're watching Cinderella." Orihime loaded the DVD and flopped back onto the sofa, grabbing a cushion to hug. Was Ulquiorra really mad at her? She watched him move around the kitchen and found no traces of annoyance in his body language, so either he'd already gotten over it, or he'd never been truly upset to begin with. Relieved, she settled back and started looking forward to spending the afternoon watching movies with him. Then it hit her that she would be spending the afternoon watching movies with him, on the sofa, eating popcorn, in the dark – Orihime did not half-ass movie marathons – and the butterflies in her stomach took flight.

How in the world had she acted normal around Ulquiorra before? How had she ever been so casual about sharing meals with him, dancing through the apartment in pajamas in front of him, being silly and ranting about her weird dreams to him? The memory of the time they'd played Battleship in the bathtub embarrassed her so much that she tried desperately to pretend it had never happened.

She shook her head. It was no time to be feeling humiliated! She had a responsibility, a mission! By the time Ulquiorra had returned with a bowl of popcorn – which he set down between them and ignored – she had fast-forwarded through the previews and paused just before the Disney logo appeared. Orihime faced him. "I know that you've probably read the fairy tales that many of these movies are based off of, but promise that you'll be receptive to the more," she waved her hand in a circle, "_fictional _parts."

"I was under the assumption that these stories were entirely fictional."

"They are! I meant the singing animals and stuff."

Ulquiorra gave her the unblinking stare that roughly translated to, "Why am I not doing something productive right now?" Orihime patted him awkwardly on the knee, then turned back to the television, grabbed the remote, and hit play.

Through Cinderella, Dumbo, and the The Aristocats, Ulquiorra looked like he was going to be sick. He fared better with Atlantis, however; Orihime got the feeling that it was the lack of singing. There was no way she was going easy on him, though. Singing animals were part of the Disney movie tradition, and if she skipped them for his sake, she would be depriving him of a crucial human experience.

At the end of The Lion King, Ulquiorra commented that Disney was promoting incest. "What? How?" Orihime demanded.

"In a true pride of lions, the dominant male mates with all the females. It is highly plausible that Nala is also Mufasa's daughter, thus making her Simba's half-sister. It is an incestuous relationship." He picked up a handful of popcorn. Orihime launched herself across the sofa and tried to wrestle it out of his grasp, yelling that he'd lost his snack privileges.

By the time they started The Little Mermaid, half of the popcorn had been spilled on the floor, and the rest Orihime had put in her lap with her legs wrapped protectively around the bowl. Ulquiorra seemed relieved that the movie didn't end with the death of the mermaid. "I have had my fill of tragic love stories," he explained when Orihime asked him.

"Fair enough," she said, and picked up a movie at random. "Next is…" Her eyes landed on the cover and she shoved it back into the stack. "Uh, maybe not that one. How would you feel about Pinocchio?"

Ulquiorra's eyes narrowed suspiciously. He reached over for the stack, and she pulled the movies away from him. He took her hand instead, effortlessly prying her fingers off of the DVD cases – he'd let her win the popcorn fight, if only to get her off of his lap, but this was different. She whined and complained halfheartedly, then made a point not to look at him when he retrieved the movie she'd put back. "We will watch this _Beauty and the Beast_," he stated, and stood to put it in the DVD player.

Orihime fidgeted. "I don't think you'll like it!"

"Woman, you forced me to watch a film about cats."

"The Aristocats is a classic," she grumbled. But the movie was underway regardless of her protesting, and her heart was thrashing around in her chest. Would he be offended by the presence of such a film in her collection? Would he draw any parallels to the beginning of their own friendship? Would that analytical mind of his make the connection between her objections to watching the movie and her own feelings for him? She sat paralyzed, waiting for a reaction from Ulquiorra.

His face had gone so blank that even Orihime couldn't interpret his expression. He watched as the girl took her place as the monster's captive so that her father could live, how she was willful and stubborn despite being at the beast's mercy, how she eventually came to see something human in her ill-tempered captor.

He saw how the beast was grieved when she left him, and how the villagers were mistrustful of the beast even though the girl insisted that he meant them no harm. Then the woman's love made the beast human again, and predictably, they lived happily ever after.

Orihime stared at her wiggling toes as a Japanese rendition of _Beauty and the Beast _played through the end credits. She didn't dare look at Ulquiorra. He hadn't bothered to press the stop button. They sat in complete silence, letting the singer make it all the way through her song. Then Ulquiorra spoke. "Why did you not want me to watch this movie?"

She shrugged. "I thought it would make you angry." She wiggled her toes faster. "Like you'd think that I was trying to…"

"I highly doubt that you are stupid enough to gamble your life to play out a role you saw in a children's film."

"Err, thanks."

"Besides," Ulquiorra picked up the remote, "it would imply that you intended to seek a romantic relationship with me, and that is obviously not the case."

Orihime knocked the popcorn bowl onto the floor. "Whoops!" she squeaked, "I'm such a klutz! Let me get that. No more movies for today, is that alright? I was going to recommend Pocahontas next, but its historical inaccuracy might bother you, and there's a singing tree in that one."

Ulquiorra stooped over to help her fill the bowl with the fallen popcorn kernels. "We may resume tomorrow," he said.

She blinked in surprise. "Really? You want to watch more?"

"I think I am beginning to understand their appeal."

**/TBC/**


	52. Peanut Gallery III

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Bleach or any other copyrighted material.

**Tell Yourself**

**By: Princess Kitty1**

**Peanut Gallery III**

One day after school, Ulquiorra was obligated to go to a fast food restaurant with the woman and her friends. They sat apart from the others; however, he did not fail to notice that the shinigami's friends had congregated around his table, and were speaking to each other in low whispers.

"Kurosaki, I hate to break it to you, but having a secret meeting about Inoue-san and Cifer-san when they're _right there_ kind of defeats the purpose," Uryuu said.

"Hey," Ichigo pointed at him, "shut up."

"What's this about, Ichigo?" Tatsuki muttered around a mouthful of French fries. Ichigo lowered his head, and everyone moved in closer. He shot a quick, paranoid glance over his shoulder.

"Have you guys noticed that Inoue's been acting… different?"

Rukia stole one of his fries. "What Ichigo means is that he's finally noticed that Ulquiorra has a crush on Orihime."

"Inoue, I said! Inoue's the one acting different!" Ichigo hissed.

"Different how?" Keigo asked. The group collectively glanced at the pair. Orihime was sipping her soft drink, kicking her legs back and forth and gazing absentmindedly out the window. Ulquiorra was staring back at them.

"She's more spaced out than usual. Sometimes even jumpy," Ichigo replied. "Do you think he's threatening her?"

"Yes, Kurosaki, the guy who played along with Don Kanonji to make her happy, and nearly destroyed Soul Society to get home in time for her birthday, is threatening her."

"I knew it," he growled.

Chizuru groaned. Rukia threw a fry at him. "Hold on a minute," Tatsuki wagged her finger, "I think he's on to something here. We all – well, most of us – know that Ulquiorra has a thing for Orihime. But what Ichigo's suggesting is that Orihime has a thing for Ulquiorra."

"Yes, thank you for getting my point across."

"Hold on," Keigo looked confused, "you mean they haven't been dating since March?"

"Orihime only recently got over her crush on… someone else," Chizuru answered.

Ichigo nearly spit out his soda. "Inoue had a crush on someone else?"

Uryuu took off his glasses and wiped a hand over his face. "Alright, since Kurosaki has given us his only bit of useful information, let's pretend he isn't here. You two," he pointed at Tatsuki and Chizuru, "are Inoue-san's best friends. What can you tell us about this alleged change in her behavior?"

"Now that Ichigo mentions it, she's been more withdrawn lately. Like she's got top secret plans of some kind," Tatsuki said.

"She reduced her hours at the bakery," Chad threw in, working on his third hamburger.

"Think she did it to spend more time at home with him?" Mizuiro suggested.

Chizuru's eyes widened with horror. "You don't think they're doing anything… perverted_, _do you?"

"Come on, Chizuru," Tatsuki rolled her eyes, "you know she cut her hours to focus more on her schoolwork. Ulquiorra pays a chunk of the bills, so it's not like she _had_ to spend all that time at the bakery."

Rukia sighed. "They're practically married."

"Oi," Ichigo knocked on her skull, "you've been watching too much television. What do you think, Ishida?"

Uryuu blinked. "Oh, don't mind me. It's not like I'm heartbroken or anything."

"You're not the only one," said Chizuru, putting a sympathetic hand on his shoulder.

"I mean, do you think we should intervene? It could be dangerous for her."

"Inoue can take care of herself," Chad stated.

"Cifer would blow off his own hand before he'd lay a finger on her," Uryuu added. "There's nothing to worry about."

Keigo straightened. "Well, I've heard enough! I'm going to go tell them to confess to each other."

"No!" at least four people shouted at once, several hands grabbing his clothes and pulling him back down. "Are you insane? If Orihime gets called out like that, she'll completely shut down and it'll ruin the whole thing! Let the situation resolve itself!"

"How long is that going to take?" Keigo whined. The group glanced at Orihime and Ulquiorra again. She was plucking the pickles off of his hamburger, dipping them in ice cream, and popping them into her mouth. Ulquiorra's face had gone slightly green.

"If he hasn't noticed by now that his window of opportunity is wide open," Tatsuki shook her head, "it could be years."

"Ulquiorra's problem," Chizuru said sagely, "is that he doesn't believe Orihime could ever have feelings for him. His confidence is in the pits."

"Which means, Orihime is going to have to confess to him."

"Can't I just plant the idea in their heads?"

"No, Keigo."

"Aren't we all operating on an assumption, here? We don't even know for sure if she likes him."

"Trust me, if _Kurosaki_ noticed, it's definitely there."

**/TBC/**


	53. Cliff Diving

**A/N: **After this chapter, Tell Yourself will be the highest rated Ulquiorra story on the site! Thank you guys so much. You've been a _wonderfully patient_ audience ah-hem heheheh.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Bleach or any other copyrighted material.

**Tell Yourself**

**By: Princess Kitty1**

**Cliff Diving**

Orihime was chewing on her chopsticks. Tatsuki watched her chew on them, wondering if her best friend had noticed that she'd already consumed the food. Seconds passed. Orihime continued gnawing on the utensils, focused intently on a point past Tatsuki's shoulder. "Uh, Hime?"

"Hmm?" She pulled the chopsticks from her mouth and gathered more rice. "What's up?"

"What's up with _you_? Are you even on this planet anymore, or did the Martians finally come for your brain?"

Orihime's face went rosy. She lifted the food to her lips, put it back down, poked at her lunch, then scratched her head. "There's no fooling you, Tatsuki-chan! Heh," she giggled, frowned, and made a fluttery hand gesture. "Umm… I mean, there's… you know, I… _lately_… hasn't it been absolutely freezing this week? I'm surprised we aren't buried in snow!"

Tatsuki's expression was deadpanned. "Orihime."

Orihime hunched her shoulders like she was trying to hide in an imaginary shell. She looked around, making sure their classmates were minding their own business, then she cleared her throat quietly. "Tatsuki-chan, I think I… have a crush on someone."

Tatsuki's eyes went wide. Was this it? Was it finally happening? Had Ichigo been right about her odd behavior – and if so, why the hell hadn't she noticed it first? "Who's someone?" she asked, trying not to sound too hopeful or hysterical. In reply, Orihime muttered inaudibly and lowered her head. Tatsuki leaned closer. "Huh?" Orihime muttered again, wiggling in her seat. "Hime, I can't hear you."

Orihime lifted her eyes and whispered, a little desperately, "Ulquiorra-kun!"

"Oh my God," Tatsuki breathed. It had happened. She only wished Rukia and Chizuru had been there to witness and react appropriately. Orihime looked panicked, like she'd uttered some forbidden phrase and would be unable to stop the coming calamity. Tatsuki took her hand. "Okay, okay, let's go over this one bit at a time. First of all, does he know?"

"No!" Orihime squeaked, her blush deepening. "I don't think – unless I did something to clue him in and – oh no Tatsuki-chan, what do I do?"

"Calm down! If he hasn't said anything, then he probably doesn't know." Oh, poor Ulquiorra. If only he _did_. What kind of reaction would he have to finding out that his feelings were reciprocated? Tatsuki couldn't help the manic smile that spread across her face. "You know what you should do?" Orihime shook her head. "You should ask him out on a date."

"I can't," she moaned, going from anxious to miserable in record time. "My relationship with him is very important, and if I suddenly blurt out that I like him and make him uncomfortable…"

"But what if he likes you?" Tatsuki couldn't help asking.

Orihime bit her bottom lip. "That'd be nice. But he hasn't shown any sign of having _those _kinds of feelings."

Tatsuki wanted to scream at both of them. She inhaled deeply. "Listen, ask him out. Don'tcall it a date, but make sure he notices that this isn't just another trip to the grocery store. Go Christmas shopping, or ice skating. Watch a movie. Whatever you do, do it together, and don't invite anybody else."

For a moment, Orihime looked like she was going to say no. Then she picked up her chopsticks and stabbed at her food. "Alright," she said, "I'll do it."

"Good! Now, on a scale of one to ten – one being 'oh he's cute!' and ten being 'I want his hands all over my body' – how much would you say that you like him?"

…

That night, Orihime and Ulquiorra sat on opposite sides of the couch with the television on. She had a textbook open on her lap and was whacking it with her mechanical pencil; he stared at the screen, his face blank, although Orihime could tell by the frequency of his viewing the show that it was a favorite of his. She shifted once, twice, and then again. Ulquiorra glanced at her. "Is something the matter?"

Was she really that easy to read? She took a deep breath and tried to sound casual. "Do you want to go out on Sunday?"

Ulquiorra blinked. "Where to?"

"I don't know. Wherever. Doesn't matter. You pick." Orihime whacked her textbook harder, pretending it was her head. Why was this so hard for her? And why was she having déjà vu?

Ulquiorra never usually had preferences about where the two of them went; he let her choose and went along with it – unless her nakama came, in which case he elected to stay home half the time. Orihime had expected him to defer the choice to her, so she was completely surprised when he picked up a book he'd checked out from the library and withdrew a slip of paper. "There is this," he said, handing it to her.

Orihime examined the sheet. It was an announcement of Karakura Town's Christmas Forest, which was a section of the park that the citizens annually decorated in lights, for people to visit and enjoy at night. "Really?"

"You did not attend last year," Ulquiorra said, "because you did not think it would be fair to leave me here alone."

Orihime blushed. The accuracy of his memory made her worry that he'd never forget her more humiliating moments, like the time she'd encountered a beetle in the bathroom and screamed until he came in and killed it with Murcielago. "Alright, we'll go Sunday night." He turned his attention back to the television. "Just the two of us." Orihime shifted in her seat. "I won't invite anybody else."

"That would be ideal," Ulquiorra replied.

It took ten minutes for him to realize that there was something odd about the woman's repetition of details, but by then she'd retreated to the shower.

…

Orihime spent the majority of Saturday agonizing over what she was going to wear the following evening. On Sunday morning she woke up thinking that she didn't _have _to dress up because this wasn't a date to Ulquiorra. She spent breakfast depressed, then decided she'd dress up anyway, because it was still a date to her. By mid-afternoon she was giddy with pleasure, and her hands shook so much that she kept messing up her toenail polish. Then she wondered why she was painting her toenails when she'd be wearing boots, and left them half-done to get her fingernails painted instead.

Her outfit was changed two more times, her hair was straightened and slightly curled at the bottom, her eyebrows were plucked, and her skin was dabbed with the perfume Michiru had gotten her for her birthday. Finally, she reached for lip gloss, felt all the blood rush to her face, slapped her cheeks several times, and shoved it into her purse without putting it on.

She checked herself out in the mirror: long-sleeved dress with tights, tall boots, scarf, simple jewelry, and a coat that was warm but not excessively puffy. "Perfect," she whispered.

They left the apartment after sunset, while there was still plenty of light in the sky. The ground was covered in patches of snow and ice from a storm on Friday. Neither of them volunteered to speak on the way. Orihime was too busy worrying that one of her friends would show up and offer to go with them. As a precaution, she'd told Tatsuki to call everybody and plan a group outing to the Christmas Forest later in the week, to relieve them of any temptation to go that evening.

Ulquiorra had not failed to notice the particular attention the woman had paid to her appearance. It wasn't altogether odd; she dressed nicer when she went out to places that weren't school or work. What _was _strange was that she hadn't asked him how she looked. She always asked him some variation of the question before she left the house, and accompanied the question with a complaint about some aspect of her outfit. But he decided not to bring it up. If there was something wrong with her, she'd either say so or do something to give herself away by the end of the night.

Soon they came to the start of the Christmas Forest, which was crowded with people and set up with merchant booths. Orihime gasped with delight. "It's beautiful!" she cried, admiring the many paths of lit up trees that wound deep into the woods. "And much bigger than the last time I was here."

"It is nice," Ulquiorra agreed, though by his tone one might've thought the opposite.

They bought hot chocolate from one of the merchant stands before starting out on the path. It was only wide enough for two people to go at a time. Orihime knew they'd done it on purpose; Christmas was a couple's holiday in Japan, after all. She kept up a stream of animated chatter to keep Ulquiorra from noticing how flustered she was.

"When I was little I came here with Sora-nii, and he told me that Karakura Town made the Christmas Forest so that Santa Claus wouldn't accidentally skip over us. After that, I insisted that we keep one of the lights on in our apartment on Christmas Eve, just in case."

"But there is no Santa Claus."

"I used to believe there was." Orihime sighed. "Then later I learned that it was Sora-nii buying all the presents, which explained why there was never very many. Oh, and to think that I haven't been able to fix my hairpins yet!"

They turned onto a less populated avenue. "Imagine that you are cliff diving," Ulquiorra said.

"Cliff diving?"

"It takes courage to leap off of a cliff, does it not? You may be standing there thinking that you will make a mistake and people will think less of you, although they will think less of you for backing down regardless. But you have leapt from smaller cliffs before, and you are confident that you can do this as well. You are simply afraid because it looks harder." Orihime gave him a bewildered stare. "I read most of the books in the library's self-help section," he explained.

Orihime bit her lip and grinned. Ulquiorra challenged her with a glare. She snorted and burst into a fit of giggles. He kept on walking without her. "Wait!" Orihime tried to follow, but she doubled over and screamed with laughter, so amused by the image of Ulquiorra in the self-help section of the library that she fell into a patch of snow off the side of the path. "Come back, Ulquiorra-kun!" she cried.

By the time he did return, Orihime was wiping tears of mirth from her eyes. She almost lost it again at the annoyed – and slightly embarrassed – look on his face. "Are you quite done, woman?"

"I'm done," she promised, containing her snickers. "And I'm sorry. It's very good advice! In fact," she sat up, reached into her coat pocket, and withdrew a handkerchief in which she'd wrapped the broken fragments of her hairpins. Ulquiorra helped her to her feet, and she checked to make sure no one else was nearby. But just in case, she stepped closer to him and lowered her head until, between his chest and the curtain of her hair, no one could see what was going on in her hands. "Like cliff diving, huh?"

Her perfume assaulted Ulquiorra's senses. "Correct."

Orihime took a deep breath, closed her eyes, and envisioned the jump before her. It was nothing. She'd done it a thousand times before. The only difference was the height of the cliff. She concentrated her power, focused on each of the fragments, and rejected the explosion, the impact, the injury, and all of her doubts.

"Ah! God, what the – _why is it so freaking cold_?"

Orihime's eyes flew open at the sound of Tsubaki's voice. He stood shivering in the center of her palm, along with Ayame and Hinagiku. Baigon was attempting to wrap Orihime's handkerchief around his broad shoulders. Lily flew straight into her scarf, while Shun'o darted back and forth. "Look, snow!" he cried, turning to the other sprites. "Who wants to have a snowball fight?"

"I did it!" In her excitement, Orihime flung the sprites into the air and threw her arms around Ulquiorra's neck. He would have kept his balance had there not been ice on the ground; his foot slipped, sending the two of them tumbling back into the snow.

"Oww," Ulquiorra said, though he'd hardly felt the pain.

"Oops!" Orihime loosened her hold on him so that he could sit up. "I got a little… carried away." She suddenly had the feeling that she was being watched, and turned her head to find six nosy sprites staring at her with great interest. She called them back, mentally chiding them to mind their own business. "Here, let me – ah!" Orihime tried to stand, but her foot hit the same patch of ice that had tripped Ulquiorra and she fell against his chest. "I am so…" she trailed off when she lifted her head and found herself nose to nose with him. "…sorry."

She was blushing profusely, and hoped that the Christmas lights weren't bright enough to give her away. Was it her imagination or was that Ulquiorra's heart she felt racing beneath her hand? He'd become distracted again, like the time in Urahara's store, but surely he would ask her to get off of him soon. Surely he wasn't having strange and wonderful thoughts about kissing her, like she was. Surely the reason his hand was slipping into her hair was to make some observation about the fact that it was wet, and all her hard work had gone to ruin because she'd laughed at him.

It would have been incredibly humiliating for someone to find them in that position, but no one was around.

She felt like she should have said something, yet no words came.

And if Ulquiorra had wanted an explanation, he would have asked.

His hand drew her in, and her eyes fluttered shut. She promised herself to worry about consequences and motivation later, because in that moment their lips met, softly and uncertainly, and it was like she'd tumbled off of an even higher cliff. How odd! Was that what it felt like to be kissed? Her imagination hadn't even come close to the real thing.

It didn't last long. They pulled back slightly and gazed at each other through half-lidded eyes, asking all the questions they couldn't say out loud for fear of breaking the spell. She wanted him to kiss her again; he seemed to want the same thing. She moved closer and his lips covered hers, this time long enough for her to figure out how to kiss back.

Then they heard distant voices, remembered they were at a public venue, and quickly broke apart. Orihime disentangled herself from Ulquiorra. He sat motionless for a few seconds, then stood and gave her his hand without a word. She accepted it, dusted the snow off of her clothes, and they continued down the path as if nothing had happened.

But they held hands the rest of the way, letting go only when they reached the end.

**/TBC/**

**A/N: **Haha whoops my entire body slipped and Ulquihime happened. Welp! I'm just going to leave this here and drown myself in Animal Crossing for a while.


	54. Now What?

**A/N: **Leaving on a ten-day trip to North Carolina! Thought I'd get a chapter out before disappearing. Well, more like, I whipped myself into such an Ulquihime frenzy that I started crying and the feels needed to be expressed somehow.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Bleach or any other copyrighted material.

**Tell Yourself**

**By: Princess Kitty1**

**Now What?**

**6:05am**

"Ulquiorra-kun?" Orihime stuck her head out of her room, fully dressed for school. The apartment was dark and silent. She tiptoed into the hall and approached Ulquiorra's door. It was wide open, the room within empty. She frowned and stepped into the apartment's main living area, but found that abandoned as well.

There was, however, a note on the kitchen counter.

_I have gone to work early. The rent is paid._

Orihime felt the strangest mixture of relief and disappointment that she decided to alleviate it by eating potato chips for breakfast.

**7:57am**

"Hey Orihime, how was your date?"

"Heheh!"

**9:20am**

Ulquiorra had been working long enough at Urahara's store for its employees to have picked up on the extremely subtle hints regarding his mood. Today, Yoruichi and Tessai were sneaking glances at him, exchanging looks with each other, and whispering whenever he was out of earshot.

"He's in a good mood."

"He's in _too _good of a mood."

"Perhaps he found a better job."

"I'm offended!"

"But Kisuke, weren't you saying that a great employee like him shouldn't be doing this kind of grunt work?"

"I only said that because I was thinking of otherwork for him to do!"

The three silenced themselves as Ulquiorra walked past, carrying a box from the storage out back. As soon as he was out of hearing range, they began whispering again. "You don't suppose something happened between him and Orihime, do you?"

Kisuke hid behind his fan. "Oh my."

"Not _that_, idiot."

"It is a possibility. How old were we when we started…?"

"I don't need to hear this," Tessai said.

**Noon**

"There are you are, Hime! You didn't tell me how your date went earlier."

"Could it really be called a date if one person wasn't aware that it was a date?"

"You're dodging the question."

"It was nice! We walked around and stuff."

"Uh-huh?"

"And, he motivated me to fix my hairpins, see? All better!"

"Yes, but did he say anything? Did _you _say anything? You know, about your feelings?"

"No." Pause. "I think he likes me, though."

"How do you figure?"

"Eheheh!"

"_Hime_!"

**3:17pm**

"Good afternoon, Ginta-kun! How was school today?"

"The hell's up with mopey-face?"

"Is he still glowing with happiness?"

"No, he looks like he's about to die."

"Eh?"

**4:25pm**

With school done for the day, Tatsuki invented an excuse to stop at the Urahara convenience store before heading home. She accompanied Orihime, who had been cycling between nervous energy and spacey smiles the entire day, and was now humming to herself as they walked. The girl was definitely hiding something. "So," Tatsuki began, "got work tonight?"

"Yeah. My relaxed schedule's helping me sleep better, but everyone says they miss me when I'm not there. I've been sneaking over on my days off to entertain the regular customers."

"But don't you want to spend that extra time with you-know-who?"

Orihime pressed her lips together to contain an enormous smile. "I don't know what you're talking about."

She entered the store behind Tatsuki, the welcome bell ringing pleasantly above them. At the front was Ulquiorra, who saw her and became as motionless as a piece of furniture. She busied herself picking out snacks.

Not far away, Kisuke, Yoruichi, Tessai, Ginta, and Ururu watched as attentively as Tatsuki did. Nothing seemed amiss so far: Ulquiorra stared at Orihime like she was everything he'd ever wanted for Christmas, Orihime paid more attention to food. When she and Tatsuki had gathered their purchases, they walked to the register. "Yo, Ulquiorra. Is Urahara going to make you wear a Santa hat the week leading up to Christmas?"

"If he tries, I will feed it to him," Ulquiorra replied. He glanced at Orihime. She smiled at him. He lowered his head. "Is this everything?"

"You want anything else, Hime?"

"Hmm? Oh, no! I'm fine."

They paid for their purchases and left. As soon as the door had shut behind them, Ururu's shoulders slumped. "I've lost," she said.

"What do you mean?"

"He smiled a moment ago. Don't tell me you didn't see it."

**/TBC/**


	55. Mission Ornament

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Bleach or any other copyrighted material!

**Tell Yourself**

**By: Princess Kitty1**

**Mission Ornament**

Ulquiorra sat on the living room sofa, his arm stretched over the top, relaxing after a day of working at Urahara's shop. For some reason the buffoon kept asking him if he'd found another job. At one point he'd thrown himself at Ulquiorra's feet and begged him not to go, calling him his most competent worker in front of a startled middle-aged woman and her small child. Ulquiorra had to assure him, in a clipped voice, that he had no plans to leave.

Between dealing with his eccentric boss, Ulquiorra's thoughts had been centered on the woman. A week had passed since their trip to the Karakura Christmas Forest, and nothing had been said by either party regarding what had transpired that evening. The memory of it made his insides feel like they were full of air.

But what about the woman? She wasn't shying away from him, nor was she making special efforts to stay out of the house. She smiled a lot and spaced out more frequently. Was she expecting him to bring it up? What was he supposed to say?

Orihime skipped into the living room then, and unceremoniously plopped onto the sofa beside Ulquiorra, close enough for her knee to bang against his thigh. She stared at him with wide, serious eyes. "We need to talk."

Ulquiorra had seen enough television to know that such a phrase usually had negative outcomes. "Yes?" he asked, wondering what he'd done wrong.

"It's about ornaments." Oh. He almost relaxed. Was she aware that his arm was a mere two inches above her shoulders? Had she done that intentionally? "You remember last year you asked why my Christmas tree ornaments didn't match?"

"You answered that your ornaments were hand-selected by friends and family."

Orihime nodded. "Since you were still new to everything back then, I didn't ask you to go out and find one. This year, there are no excuses. Your mission for today is to search the stores for a Christmas ornament that is to _your_ liking – not what you think I'll like, and not what you think will match. _It's not supposed to match_. Got it?"

"Woman – "

"No buts, no protests! Off you go!"

Ten minutes later, Ulquiorra had been kicked out of the apartment with a hand-drawn map of stores that sold Christmas ornaments. He sighed, slipped the map into his pocket, and headed for the train station.

…

Orihime let out her own sigh as soon as Ulquiorra was out the door. With him gone, she could finish all of her gift-wrapping and arrange the presents under the tree. She ran into her room and withdrew everything she'd bought and hidden in her closet. There weren't just Christmas gifts; Ulquiorra's birthday had recently passed, and since she hadn't thought of any presents to buy him then, she'd brought home a cake and used Christmas as an excuse to give her more time.

She sat down with a bag of wrapping paper, ribbons, bows, and name stickers. She reached for the first gift – which she'd made for Ishida – and had barely finished measuring out the wrapping paper before her brain was straying into dangerous territory.

They'd kissed. Ulquiorra had kissed her, and she'd kissed him back. They'd done it twice. She had yet to tell anyone – even Tatsuki, who suspected that something had happened and kept giving her I-know-you're-hiding-things-from-me looks at school. Orihime pressed her hands to her cheeks, feeling the warmth in her face and the flips in her stomach.

Ulquiorra hadn't brought it up. What if he'd simply done it out of curiosity? No, the look he'd given her… ah, that look! She grabbed one of the couch cushions and buried her face in it, falling over onto her side, kicking her legs.

But what if she'd interpreted it wrong? Her leg-kicking abruptly stopped.

She knew that the only way to find out for sure was by saying something, yet she was so scared of what he might reply that she kept choking on her words. His silence on the matter could mean one of two things: it was curiosity and he definitely wasn't interested in her that way, or he _was _interested in her that way and was waiting for her to bring up the kiss.

She'd have asked Tatsuki, but she didn't want to get her best friend's hopes up and later have to tell her that it hadn't meant anything to Ulquiorra – which would result in Ulquiorra's nose being broken, probably.

"Why are feelings so hard?" she whined into the cushion, and rolled around on the floor until she was focused enough to resume wrapping.

…

Ornament shopping was proving a challenge. Ulquiorra was still in the process of discovering his personal preferences, so being faced with thousands of choices made him anxious, and anxiety annoyed him. He had just left the second store empty-handed when a familiar voice stopped him dead.

"Ulquiorra-nii!"

_Shit_. The neighbor boy Taro came running up to him, wrapped up in coat and scarf, two of his friends lagging at a distance. He turned to them and waved. "It's okay, guys! I'll see you at school tomorrow!"

"It is rude to abandon your friends," Ulquiorra said, hoping Taro would take the hint. But the other boys waved back, and then it was just the two of them in the crowd of holiday shoppers.

"What are you doing out here?" Taro asked. "Wait, don't tell me," a sly grin spread across his face, "you're buying Orihime-nee a Christmas present, huh? Aha! I knew it. I'm looking for a present for my girlfriend too."

That surprised Ulquiorra enough to speak. "_You_ have a girlfriend?"

Taro's grin widened and he let out a sheepish laugh. "Yeah, this girl in my class named Hisa. She's really cute! Turns out that she liked me for a while, but I never noticed her because I was so hung up on Orihime-nee. It's a good thing you came along, eh?"

Ulquiorra didn't know how to respond, so he said nothing. In truth he had not bought the woman anything for Christmas yet, and aside from the ornament, he knew of no gift that would please her. Well, that was incorrect. The woman was easy to shop for; finding a present that stood out among the rest was the hard part. "You do not worry that your girlfriend will not like your gift?"

Taro snorted. "Of course I do! But granny says that the present itself doesn't matter much. Girls value the fact that you gave them something at all. Unless it's an ugly purse. Or ugly shoes. Or ugly clothes. Or ugly jewelry. Or ugly – "

"That's enough," Ulquiorra said, his anxiety growing.

"Hey, you're really shaken up about this, aren't you bro? It makes sense. Aliens are kind of stupid about human customs."

"I am not an alien."

"Here's an idea! You've heard of mistletoe, right? Why not just hang some up and give her a smoo– eep!" Taro was yanked off of the ground by a very annoyed and very flustered Ulquiorra. "What?" he yelled. "Don't tell me you haven't kissed her yet! I stood aside for you, and you still haven't seized your chance?"

"That is none of your business, trash."

"So you _have _kissed her, then!" Ulquiorra dropped Taro and started walking towards the next ornament store. He followed. "How was it?" Silence. "Was it nice?" Silence. "Was there tongue?" Ulquiorra turned on Taro so fast that the boy had no time to run away. Before he knew it, he was hanging from a street lamp by his coat's hood, flailing to get free, and Ulquiorra was walking briskly away. "Come back, bro!" Taro cried. "You can be mad at me all you want but I'm still happy for you!"

…

Orihime was splayed out under the Christmas tree, surrounded by wrapped presents, muttering into the carpet. She'd been practicing confessions for the past twenty minutes and still couldn't get the words out. "This is crazy," she said, crawling out of the tree's shadow and pushing herself up. "It's just three words, right?" A feverish excitement took hold of her. "All I have to do is say it! Ulquiorra-kun – "

"Yes?"

Orihime screamed at the sight of Ulquiorra taking off his shoes at the entrance. He paused and gave her a bewildered look. She rubbed her head sheepishly. "Welcome home! Did you, uh, find an ornament?" Ulquiorra held out a small bag to her. From within it she produced a silver teardrop-shaped ornament dusted with green flecks. "It's gorgeous!" she cried, "Let's hang it up right now!"

Ulquiorra noticed the piles of presents under the tree, but didn't comment on them. Perhaps he shouldn't have gotten rid of the neighbor boy; he, at least, seemed to have known what he was doing.

"It's long, so it shouldn't be too close to the floor… up here?" Orihime placed the ornament on a free branch near the top of the tree. "Perfect! What do you think, Ulquiorra-kun?"

He thought that the glow of the Christmas tree lights made her more beautiful still, and he could care less about where the ornament went as long as she was happy with it. "It is a suitable location."

"Ah, there's something else in this bag. Did you buy more than one?"

"No. That is a gift."

"A gift?" Orihime pulled out the long box, which was white and wrapped in a plain red bow. "For me?"

"For Arisawa," Ulquiorra said. Orihime stared at him. He stared back. "Is something wrong?"

"You got Tatsuki-chan a present."

"Was I not supposed to do that?"

"You two are friends," Ulquiorra cringed at the word, "so it's fine, but… I'm surprised, is all." Orihime blinked, examined the box at all angles, blinked again, and looked at Ulquiorra. "What did you get her?"

Ulquiorra headed for his room. "I will not say. Deliver it to her on the twenty-fourth."

Orihime was left standing by the tree, contemplating how she should feel about holding a present the guy she liked had bought for her best friend. She puffed out her cheeks. It was nothing, right? She set it down on top of her own gift to Tatsuki, gave it an annoyed look, puffed her cheeks out further, and went into the kitchen for a snack.

**/TBC/**

**A/N: **Orihime! That isn't jealousy, is it? You couldn't possibly think that your best friend is making moves on the guy she's been trying to hook you up with, could you? Besides, it's not like he wasn't hiding a present for you in his coat or anything…


	56. Setting the Record Straight

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Bleach or any other copyrighted material.

**Tell Yourself**

**By: Princess Kitty1**

**Setting the Record Straight**

Orihime had spent Christmas Eve with Tatsuki's family since Sora's death. Even the past year, with Ulquiorra in the apartment, she'd agreed to go in order to avoid arousing suspicion about her living situation. She'd have liked to spend Christmas Eve with him, but she had a reputation to protect. So she reluctantly gathered up Tatsuki's presents and put them into a gift bag decorated with a jolly Santa Claus.

Ulquiorra was reading _A Christmas Carol_, and did not spare her a glance as she got ready to leave. As she finished, Orihime cleared her throat. "Since I won't be here to check on you," she said, "you have to promise that you won't open any presents until the morning."

"You have foiled my plans," Ulquiorra said in a deadpanned voice.

Orihime grinned. She knew that he was curious about the gifts, having caught him sitting nearer to the tree and staring at it a few times. But she also knew that Ulquiorra was a guy who did things properly, and if it was tradition to wait until morning to open presents, he would wait.

She left the apartment feeling more than a little disappointed. He hadn't gotten her a gift. Not that she'd wanted anything in particular, but it would have been nice to have received a present from Ulquiorra. She'd have cherished it. Which reminded her…

The little white box with the red bow sat inside of the Santa bag, teasing her. She picked it up as she walked, holding it up to her ear and giving it a little shake. No sound. What was inside? Why had Ulquiorra bought a present for Tatsuki and not her? Why did he cringe whenever she used the word "friend" to describe their relationship? And hadn't he gotten a text or two from her before? Hadn't he shown up at school once or twice to talk to Tatsuki behind Orihime's back?

She thrust the gift back into the bag and shook her head furiously. No, she was being paranoid! Tatsuki had been very enthusiastic when Orihime had told her about her feelings. There was no way she was carrying on in secret with Ulquiorra. And besides, if she'd liked him before Orihime had, she would have said something.

But that didn't rule out the possibility that Ulquiorra could like Tatsuki. He did attack the guy who'd broken her heart, after all.

Orihime arrived at the Arisawa's doorstep with a manic smile on her face. "Merry Christmas!" she greeted them, a bit too cheerfully. Tatsuki caught onto Orihime's distress and dragged her off to her bedroom as soon as she'd bantered with her parents.

"Alright, what's going on?" she asked, closing the door behind them.

"Nothing! Nothing is going on," Orihime replied, removing her scarf and setting the Santa bag down. If something _was _going on, she was determined to find out immediately. She retrieved the white box from the Santa bag and handed it to Tatsuki with what she hoped was a normal, happy smile. "Merry Christmas, from Ulquiorra-kun!"

Tatsuki was momentarily distracted. "He got me a present?"

"Yeah, yeah, open it!" Orihime cried, wiggling with anticipation.

Tatsuki pulled on the bow. "That's good news. I got him a present too, so at least he won't feel like he owes me something." She paused, and looked at Orihime, whose smile was enormous. "You're excited. Is it awesome?"

"I don't know! He wouldn't tell me what it was. Now open it!"

Tatsuki shrugged, removed the bow, and lifted the lid off the box. There were two slips of paper inside. She picked them up and studied them for a moment, then her jaw dropped. "These are tickets to the Emperor's Cup!" she cried, her face a mixture of happiness and confusion. "This is… this is really nice of him! This is like, _stupendously _nice of him, Hime!"

Orihime's smile had a plastered on quality to it. "I keep telling everyone he's nice but no one believes me," she said quietly.

"Oh, well, I believe you. Trust me. I'm sorry I ever thought badly of the guy, even if he does keep calling me trash – "

"Do you think Ulquiorra-kun likes you?"

Tatsuki's smile faded. Orihime was staring at the floor. She put the tickets back in the box and came closer to her deflated best friend. "Hime," she put her hands on Orihime's shoulders, examined her face, then shook her violently. "_Have you lost your mind_?" she screamed. "Where the_ hell_ did you get that idea?" Orihime's eyes were full of tears. "Oh my God, you _actually think that_, don't you?"

"H-He got you a really nice present!" Orihime said.

"_And_?"

"He didn't get me anything!" Tatsuki just stared at her. "Then I got to thinking, he does seem to prefer Tatsuki-chan to everyone else, and it's like they have this understanding of each other, a-and maybe the kiss didn't mean anything and-!"

"What kiss?" Tatsuki demanded. "_Did he kiss you_? Is that what you've been hiding from me? And you're standing here crying because _you think he likes me_?"

"Well when you put it that way it sounds silly!"

Tatsuki shook Orihime once more for good measure, then buried her face in her hands and collapsed onto her bed. "My best friend is insane. She is completely out of her mind. Marbles gone. But, that's okay! We can fix this. Hime, Ulquiorra doesn't like me. You know him better than anyone, right?"

Orihime sniffled. "I guess."

"Then answer me this: do you honestly think he's the sort of guy who'd kiss a girl he doesn't have feelings for?"

She thought about it. "No." She sat next to Tatsuki and stared at the wall. Slowly, her cheeks began to turn pink. Her eyes widened. She brought her hands up to her face and looked at Tatsuki over her shoulder. "Wait, but that means…"

"I love you Hime, but you can be so dense."

…

Ulquiorra stared at the pile of presents over the edge of his book, which was level with him, now that he'd moved onto the floor. He hadn't wanted to admit that something as unimportant as wrapped, shimmering boxes could tempt him. But alas, he was human, and curiosity had been strong in him before. Waiting for the morning was causing him a considerable amount of agony.

He had taught himself to wrap gifts the year prior; perhaps if he was careful he'd be able to rewrap them without the woman noticing.

Ah, but he was being watched. His eyes shifted to the portrait of Sora, which had been moved next to the Christmas tree for the explicit purpose of standing guard. During his visit, Sora hadn't given Ulquiorra reason to believe that he could see him through the picture, but maybe he'd intentionally kept it secret? Ulquiorra's eyes narrowed. _Damn him_.

The woman had been gone for about an hour, and the sky had recently darkened. Ulquiorra wondered where he could go to resist the temptation of the gifts. It was Christmas, so the outside world would be full of couples holding hands and whispering endearments to each other.

Ulquiorra looked down at his book, feeling strange. Was it proper to be lonely on such a joyful holiday?

The front door opened, bringing in a gust of cold air – and the woman, who shut the door quickly and stood in the entrance with chattering teeth. Ulquiorra closed the novel and put it aside. "Welcome back," he said, though he didn't understand why she was there. Had she left a gift behind? She'd obviously left her scarf at Arisawa's house.

"Cold!" Orihime squealed. "It's super cold."

"Hmm," Ulquiorra reached for the blanket Orihime kept on the sofa to keep warm while watching TV. He stood and brought it to her, but she merely looked at him and shivered, so he draped it over her shoulders. "Did you forget something?"

She nodded once, and took a step closer to him. "I forgot," she shivered, her voice small, "that I wanted to spend Christmas with the guy I like."

The words gave Ulquiorra the same weightless sensation that kissing her had. His grip on the edges of the blanket tightened, and when he spoke, his voice was even quieter than hers. "Is this a confession of romantic feelings?" he asked.

Orihime nodded again, not looking at him, her shivers no longer having anything to do with the cold. A weight had been lifted off of her, but another still remained. Ulquiorra didn't respond, and for once, she couldn't tell what he was thinking. Had she and Tatsuki both been wrong in their suppositions? "I-If you don't feel the same way…"

Her chin was lifted, her eyes met Ulquiorra's, and she was struck dumb by the vulnerability in his expression. He appeared to be fighting for his words. His hands were shaking. "No," he said.

"No?" Orihime echoed uncertainly, leaning towards him. And then his lips were on hers, conveying in a kiss the things he was trying very hard to tell her, and she responded, her hands coming up to his chest. She thought her heart would fly away, escape right through her mouth between kisses. She didn't even feel the blanket slide off of her shoulders. His arms circled her waist, and she drew back just long enough to set the record straight. "Do you like me, Ulquiorra-kun?"

He would have used a stronger word. "Yes," he whispered, and kissed her again. He felt her smile against his lips.

…

"Such a shame that Orihime-chan couldn't stay past dinner. Did she say where she was going Tatsuki?"

"Hmm? Oh, yeah. She said she's spending Christmas Eve with her boyfriend."

**/TBC/**


	57. Celebrity Status

**A/N: Announcement! Announcement! **Please focus your attention here for a minute or so! Yes, hello! The announcement I have to make is that **I've** **written a new Ulquihime fic** that _will not be posted here on FanFiction_. Why? Because it breaks the terms of service for sexually explicit content. Hmm, yes, you read correctly: I've written smut!

Now that I've really captured your attention, **you will find this new Ulquihime fic on my profile page**. Scroll down to the news section, right above my outgoing links, and you'll discover a long passage describing the story and where to go to read it. I've enabled anonymous comments, so don't come back here to review it! (Warning: everyone who has read it so far has either cried, gotten angry, gotten depressed, or all three. Keep some chocolate nearby.)

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Bleach or any other copyrighted material!

**Tell Yourself**

**By: Princess Kitty1**

**Celebrity Status**

"I don't know why you're whining. You got twice as many presents as I did."

"Yeah, but you got a new phone! Quality trumps quantity."

The day after Christmas, the teenagers of Karakura Town were back in school, showing off – or complaining about – the gifts they'd received. Among the boasters was Tatsuki, who had half the boy's soccer team begging to go with her to the Emperor's Cup. "Gee, guys, I just _don't know_. If I didn't take my dear old dad, he'd die of a broken heart," she lied, knowing full well that her father was only a casual sports fan.

Orihime sat beside her, smiling at the spectacle. It was good to see that her best friend had recovered enough from her heartache to be taunting the guys. "Inoue-san, what did you get for Christmas?" asked one of her admiring classmates.

Orihime opened her mouth to reply, but was interrupted by Chizuru, who placed her chin on Orihime's shoulder and drawled, "A boyfriend."

"A _boyfriend_?" the girl shrieked, effectively turning all heads in their direction.

"_Inoue-san got a boyfriend_?" two boys cried in simultaneous horror.

"Is it true?" Michiru asked, grabbing her arm and shaking her.

Chizuru scoffed. "You think I'd lie about something like that? My heart is broken! Ishida and I will have to go drown our sorrows after school!"

Uryuu, who was writing something on the board as class representative, glared at her over his shoulder. "Drown them yourself. Please refrain from saying things that will get me in trouble."

Orihime was promptly swarmed by classmates and questions. Tatsuki snapped at them to give her space. "One at a time! Damn paparazzi," she muttered, though she was curious about the post-Christmas Eve happenings herself.

Orihime vaguely wondered why so many people were interested in her love life, but she indulged them nonetheless. "Uh, yeah! I have a boyfriend now, I guess. I don't think he'd like that word…"

"Who is he?"

"Yes! Who is the man who's captured the heart of our beautiful Inoue-san?"

"That's creepy!" Uryuu yelled.

"Eh? But aren't you the role model of us guys in Inoue-san's fan club?"

"Don't associate me with your stalker club!" he barked at them.

Orihime was digging in her bag for her cell phone, glad that class hadn't started yet. "Let's see… I've got a picture of him."

"Really? He actually allowed you take a picture of him?" Tatsuki asked.

"No, but he didn't try to stop me." Orihime flipped her phone open, navigated to her gallery, and scrolled through it while her classmates leaned closer. "That's Taro-kun and his grandma, that's from the Tanabata festival… this is October I think – ah! Found it!" She held the phone out for her classmates to see.

A supremely annoyed Ulquiorra glared at them from the screen. The excited chatter came to an abrupt halt, and several people exchanged surprised, worried, and fearful looks. "Uh…"

"Isn't that the guy who works at Urahara's store?"

"No, he's that foreign kid staying at Arisawa's place."

"Are those _tattoos on his face_?"

"Orihime-chan, is that guy safe for you to hang out with?"

"He's older than us, right?"

"Inoue-san is dating an older guy!" one of the fan boys repeated to fellow members who had gathered in the hallway.

"If Tatsuki approves of him, he's got to be a safe person."

"I didn't approve of him at first," Tatsuki said, leaning back in her chair. "I'd tell you why, but he got me these really awesome tickets, so I'm not allowed to talk bad about him anymore."

A timid-looking girl stepped forward. "How did you meet him, Inoue-san?"

Orihime's smile became panicked. She turned to Tatsuki and Chizuru for help, but the latter was fake-crying into another busty girl's bosom, and the former had eyes as wide as Orihime's. Tatsuki was quick to recover, though. "You guys remember back in our freshman year when Hime missed a lot of school because her grandma was sick in the hospital?"

She was referring, of course, to the time Orihime had spent in Hueco Mundo. "Yeah, yeah! I met him at the hospital!" Orihime said, whacking her palm with her fist. "He worked at the gift shop in the lobby, and I went there every morning to buy flowers for my Obaa-chan. Well, he took notice of how upset I was, and offered to bring me anything I needed when his shift ended."

"Oh my God, this sounds just like a drama!" someone squealed.

Orihime's cheeks colored, but it only served to make her lie more convincing. "So he and I would hang out in the afternoons – he was a great listener! Though one time he fell asleep on the sofa while keeping me company, which was just as well because he worked a lot, you know."

"But then what happened after your grandma got better?"

"He, uh…"

"He finished his bachelor's degree and came back to Karakura Town, where his family lives." Tatsuki shrugged. "Sorry, I lied about him being a foreign exchange student. Didn't want to get in trouble because Orihime's _twenty-one-year-old guy friend_ was asking me for birthday gift ideas."

"Inoue-san is dating a twenty-one-year-old!" the fan boy repeated to the others in the hallway.

"Didn't he turn twenty-two at the beginning of the month?" Tatsuki asked, nudging Orihime and making her blush further.

This restarted the calamity in the classroom. Orihime leaned closer to Tatsuki. "He came to you for birthday gift ideas?"

"I told him to take you on a date."

"Oh. But he didn't – wait. That was the weekend we went to the movies!"

"Exactly."

"This settles it!" Michiru cried over the noise. "We'll just have to go to the candy store after school so Orihime-chan can introduce us!"

Orihime and Tatsuki exchanged wide-eyed looks. Uryuu sighed, knowing that he would have to go along in the event of a disaster, and Chizuru extended her sorrow-drowning invitation to the members of Orihime's fan club.

…

Ulquiorra stood behind the counter, staring out at the store he'd spent the morning organizing, which was now overrun by teenagers in matching school uniforms. He was not blind to the stares – ranging from curious to animosity-filled – that he was getting from all of them. Neither was the woman, who had her head bowed on the counter in front of him. "I'm so sorry about this," she groaned. "I couldn't stop them."

"I do not understand why they are here," Ulquiorra said, narrowing his eyes at a trio of boys who flinched and hid behind a shelf.

Orihime straightened. "Well," she poked her fingers together, "they were curious about _you_."

"Chizuru announced to the class that Orihime was taken and I swear, you'd think she told them the emperor was coming to Karakura Town," Tatsuki said as she drained her water bottle. "By the way, thanks for the tickets. Seriously. I owe you."

"No, you don't."

"E-Excuse me! I'd like to buy this!" Mahana said, dumping more candy than she needed onto the counter. "I'm Orihime-chan's friend, by the way. Mahana Natsui."

Ulquiorra rang up the candy without saying anything in return. Behind him, Urahara had stepped out of his office and was cheerfully greeting all of the high school girls. "Christmas candy is on sale!" he said to them, though he hadn't advertised such a sale. Tatsuki figured that, like Uryuu, he was there just in case Ulquiorra decided to clear out the store by firing balas at their classmates. She didn't want to think that it was because there were so many teenage girls around.

But it seemed that no one other than Mahana built up the courage to talk to Ulquiorra directly. They loitered, whispered at each other, and tried to catch any sort of affectionate exchange between him and Orihime. When it became clear that they weren't going to get what they came for, they bought something and left.

Orihime was certain she'd hear all of their opinions the next day; for now, she was just glad Ulquiorra wasn't angry at her. "They're so nosy," she said when the last person had gone.

"As long as they understand that you are unavailable," Ulquiorra replied, with a brief glance at her. She smiled.

Urahara cleared his throat obnoxiously, and hid a mischievous smirk behind his fan. "I think Cifer-san has earned his keep for the day. Why don't the two of you head home?"

Orihime thought that Ulquiorra would complain about not having finished his shift, but he didn't. He simply retrieved his coat from the back room and left with a goodbye to Ginta and Ururu – who had cut her hair since last Orihime had seen her.

They walked home in companionable silence, happy to be together again after their first day apart.

**/TBC/**

**A/N: **PS, I'm sure you're all curious about what Ulquiorra got Orihime for Christmas, but you're just going to have to wait a little longer to find out! Next comes the couple stuff!


	58. On Holiday

**A/N: **My apologies about the wait. Messed up my hands again playing too many videogames, so here I am trying to update in pain. In case y'all missed the announcement last chapter, **I've written a new Ulquihime fic called** _**Eros**_. The link to it is on my profile page! Thanks to everyone who's read it and offered feedback!

**Warning: **Orihime P.O.V.! It's long overdue, don't you think?

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Bleach or any other copyrighted material and damn it I really need that dictation software because my arms just can't anymore.

**Tell Yourself**

**By: Princess Kitty1**

**On Holiday**

Eh? Where am I? And why am I naked?

Oops, I fell asleep in the hot spring. Easy to do – it's so warm! I can't stand it! I've died and gone to heaven! To think that Ulquiorra-kun would send me to an onsen for New Year's! The beauty of the surrounding mountains all covered in snow, escaping the hustle and bustle of daily life for a while, the buffet tables full of all sorts of yummy food…

Aaah, I'm never going home!

"Sorry! I didn't mean to splash you!"

Note to self: keep the excitement level to a minimum.

Sure was hard sneaking Ulquiorra-kun in here, though; spinning that elaborate lie about his facial markings in record time. It was my best work yet! I really don't like lying though. Hmm, but if I think of it as a prank, it's not so bad. All I had to do was draw over the lines with highlighter and smudge them at the right moment.

But now he's holed up in our room and refuses to come out! What he said makes sense though: "_Onna, it will not do if the hotel staff sees me again and realizes that these lines are permanent. Go and do as you please. I'll wait here_."

Really, that guy! After I went through all the trouble! Leave it to me to go falling for a guy like tha…

Falling for?

"_Eeeeek!_"

…

Serious note to self: Stop splashing the other patrons. No more baths for now! I'm going to hunt down some food.

What am I getting all shy about, anyway? Ulquiorra-kun is my… he and I are… we're together, right? I should be past all the flailing and the uncertainty! Then again, I've never had a boyfriend before, and I'm ninety-nine percent sure that he's never had a girlfriend before (hmph!). We're trying to figure all this stuff out at the same time, yeah?

Let's see, I should take some of this food upstairs to him. What would he like? Some of this, and some of those, and – ooh! his favorite! – and no pickles, or he'll throw all of it out the window. Geez, he's so squeamish about pickles. It's kind of cute. Heheh.

…hmm…

Thinking about it now, it's nice, being with him like this. Never in a million years would I have thought that I'd end up here with the guy from that time, who looked at me with such little feeling. It's almost like a dream.

I'm holding up the line. Get it together, Orihime! Focus on food, think about boyfr… boyffff… Ulquiorra-kun, later.

Which way was the elevator, again? This place is enormous! Ah, over there.

Tonight there's going to be fireworks to welcome the new year, and tomorrow morning we can visit the shrine before heading back. It'll be Ulquiorra-kun's first official shrine visit! I get to explain everything to him. Unless he's read it in a book somewhere; that wouldn't surprise me at all. Stop doing my job for me, Ulquiorra-kun!

"Hmm? Ulquiorra-kun?"

Room's empty. I doubt he left, so he must be in the buh…buh-buh-_bath_!

Calm down! What are you getting flustered about? You live with him! _He is naked in your apartment every day_!

…that didn't help in the slightest. I feel dizzy. I need to sit down and eat this delicious looking pork thing before it gets cold. What is this, anyway? Mmm… not bad. Needs relish.

Come to think of it, is that why everybody glared at Ulquiorra-kun when they heard what he'd gotten me for Christmas? How could they think such dirty thoughts? He wasn't even planning on coming with me until I convinced him to. Besides, he isn't the type to do that sort of thing. Is he? (_"Kyaaa, Ulquiorra-kun, stop!" _And then a hammer comes out of my cleavage, like Fujiko-san!)

Dummy, this isn't an anime.

"You're back."

I was right; he'd been in the bath. His hair is wet. Good thing this place has private baths in the rooms, too. I'd have hated it if I dragged him all the way here and he wasn't able to get some relaxation. "I brought you dinner!"

How come I never noticed how handsome he was before? Oh yeah, I hadn't been looking before. It's distracting… not like a Fabio or anything; it's more artistic than that. He looks like… like a rainy day, where you stand at the window watching the droplets run down its surface, getting bigger along the way. Even these lines on his cheeks add to that…

"Do you need something?"

"Eh?" When did I move my hand? Play it cool, Orihime! "I was just wondering why these markings never came off." Nice one!

"Do they displease you?"

Oh my God, is he self-conscious? Did _I _make _him _feel self-conscious? "Not at all." He's relived. I really _did_ make him self-conscious! "Sorry. I got distracted by your looks and my hand moved by itself. Err… that sounds like an excuse a pervert would make…"

Whoa. When did he get so close to me? "How do I look?"

This trip was most definitely a bad idea. Try to focus on something else. Would it be rude to stuff food in my mouth right now? Ugh, why can't I think straight when he looks at me like that? "Good. Like… handsome." If any more blood rushes into my head my eardrums are going to explode.

"I see." Oh thank goodness he moved over there. "I would have never thought so."

"Really?"

"It did not seem important at the time."

He throws me for loops when he says things like this. Do I envy his confidence, or pity him for having none? Guess it'll take a while before I can ask him such straightforward questions.

…

Ulquiorra-kun?

Where are you going?

Why are you looking at me like that?

Don't go.

Don't go.

_Don't – _

…

A dream? Why would I have a dream like…? Ah, it's almost seven in the morning. Guess I should get up now. Gotta freshen up, put on some clothes, and wake Ulquiorra-kun up before I get us breakfast.

Too bad we couldn't stay here longer. If we'd had another day I might have managed to get him to laugh some…how…

…

Don't cry, dummy. He'll hear you.

…

God, thank You for the new year. Please help me pass all my exams and get into the university of my choosing. Also, please let me and Ulquiorra-kun be together for a long, long time. Amen.

**/TBC/**

**Culture Note: **The reason Orihime had to sneak Ulquiorra into the onsen is because to this day, many of them do not allow people with tattoos to bathe there. The more you know!


	59. The Weekly Edition

**A/N: **For the past week I've been aggressively self-treating my hands, and the pain has been lessening! Unfortunately it's going to take much longer before I can write without pain at all, so please bear with me.

This story is nearing its end! As such, I'm going to try to go back to its roots for a while, which is cute little human moments in Ulquiorra and Orihime's lives. Then there's going to be one final conflict...

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Bleach or any other copyrighted materials.

**Tell Yourself**

**By: Princess Kitty1**

**The Weekly Edition**

"Ulquiorra-nii!"

After a long morning of putting up with Kisuke Urahara, the last person Ulquiorra wanted to see was Taro the neighbor boy. There was no avoiding it today; however. The child sat outside of his apartment door, an enormous book in his lap that Ulquiorra recognized as one of those weekly comic magazines. "You will catch a cold," he said to the boy, who beamed up at him happily.

Taro shrugged. "It can't be help. Granny thinks that comic books will rot my mind, so I have to read them in secret." He held up the thick magazine for Ulquiorra to see. "What about you, Ulquiorra-nii? Are there any comics that you like?"

"Not particularly," he answered, reaching into his pocket for the apartment key.

"Eh? Why not? An alien like you could benefit from the knowledge in these things. Especially the _romantic _stuff."

Ulquiorra paused with the key halfway in the lock and stared at Taro. "I do not believe that a comic book can tell me how to maintain my personal relationships more effectively," he said, then proceeded to unlock the door.

Taro heaved an exaggerated sigh. "Fine, fine. But you know, Orihime-nee reads a lot of these, and – her being human and all – maybe she's expecting the sort of stuff that's in them?" He lifted the magazine up around his face, pretending to read. After counting down three seconds, he peered over the edge. Ulquiorra stood in the doorway, half-facing him with a scowl. "Weren't you going inside?"

Ulquiorra let the door fall shut again. "If you are plotting against me…"

"I'm trying to help you!" Taro cried, the picture of offense at the accusation. He gestured for Ulquiorra to sit next to him, which he did, reluctantly, as if the ground would explode the moment he did. Taro put the magazine between them. "Look here," he said, pointing out a series of panels, "see this cool-looking guy? He's the protagonist. You can tell because his hair is better than everyone else's. He just got together with the girl of his dreams a few chapters back – it was pretty awesome, and a long time coming. But notice how he waits for her outside of the school gate to make sure no other guys are encroaching on his territory."

"Women are not territory," Ulquiorra said flatly.

"Whatever. You know what I mean." Taro snapped the book shut and narrowed his eyes at Ulquiorra. "How come you don't wait for Orihime-nee outside of the school? What if there are guys who think she's single and try to hit on her? Or even worse: steal a kiss from her? People do that in real life, you know."

Ulquiorra was going to say that the woman was perfectly capable of defending herself, but he did recall seeing men in comics, television shows, and books who stole kisses from unsuspecting girls. Trash. Were there people like that in the woman's school, lurking in passages, waiting for the right moment to swoop in and assault her? She did have that overly physical friend… Chizuru, was it?

"And to think you could easily prevent this by showing up at the gate every once in a while," Taro went on, shaking his head. "You've got a lot to learn, bro."

Ulquiorra knew that already; he didn't want to hear it from a child. Standing, he made for the stairs, slipping his hands into his coat pockets and reproaching himself for his paranoia. Then he thought twice and returned to Taro. "Give me that," he ordered, taking the magazine.

"Hey!" Taro cried, only to be silenced by a few coins dropping onto his head.

"Buy yourself a new one."

…

"…and I heard that you like giant robot movies, so I thought maybe we could go to one?"

Orihime was on her way out of the school building. Beside her, a senior from another class walked with his hands behind his head, trying to appear casual. She smiled at him, if only to ease the awkwardness of what came next. "Sorry Mori-san," she said, "I've already got a boyfriend. But you know, Eri-chan likes giant robot movies too, and I heard she might have a crush on you."

"Really?" Mori seemed a little disappointed; definitely not as much as some of the other guys Orihime had rejected in the past. "Eri in class C?"

"The very same!" she confirmed with a cheerful smile. "I think she was on cleaning duty so you should go – oof!" Orihime backed away from the person she'd run into, apology ready. "Ah, excuse me! I never watch where I'm… Ulquiorra-kun?"

Ulquiorra stared at her, then turned his attention to Mori, giving him a look that equated to a snarling wolf with foam around its snout. Mori put several feet of distance between himself and Ulquiorra. "C-Cleaning duty, you said? I'll go check! Thanks Inoue-san!"

"You're welcome!" she said, waving at him as he sprinted back into the building, screaming. Ulquiorra's expression had relaxed into its usual quiet disregard for anything that wasn't Orihime. She tried not to look too pleased about his being there. "What brings you all the way here?" Ulquiorra reached under his arm and brought out the magazine he'd taken from Taro, offering it to Orihime. "Oh! You remembered that this is the one I like!"

"It came out yesterday, didn't it?"

"Sure did! I was going to go buy it on my way home. Thank you." She didn't hold back her smile now, her cheeks rosy.

Ulquiorra nodded and took his place beside her as they began their walk home. He hated when the neighbor kid was right. It would appear that he'd have to show up at the gate more often… at least until hopeful human boys got the message.

**/TBC/**


	60. Battle on Snowy Hill

**A/N: **I suddenly remembered how to romance and had to write this chapter before I forgot again!

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Bleach or any other copyrighted material.

**Tell Yourself**

**By: Princess Kitty1**

**Battle on Snowy Hill**

Orihime Inoue threw her arms up over her head as a nearby explosion sent snow and half-melted sludge flying into the air. The situation was dire, she thought as she got down on her belly and crawled through the trench, keeping a firm hold on her hat. With the snow falling as fast and hard as it was, she had no way of locating her enemy's position; the last scout she'd sent out had yet to return. She feared the worst.

A few feet away, Ayame was huddled in the snow, whimpering. "Are you injured?" Orihime asked her as she approached. Ayame shook her head, and when she spoke her voice was tremulous.

"There's no way we can win," she said. "We have to surrender!"

"Get a hold of yourself, soldier!" Orihime cried, sounding braver than she felt. Another explosion hit the ground behind them and showered them with icy slush. Orihime threw her body over the tiny sprite to shield her. "We may have lost the sea battle, but we haven't lost the war!"

On cue, they heard a savage yell from Tsubaki, then a not-so-distant _boom_. This was followed by several rounds of fire, which Orihime and Ayame waited out before they made their way back to the ammunition pile, where Shun'o was waiting for them. Thanks to Tsubaki, they now had a general idea of where the enemy was hiding. "What are your orders, captain?" Shun'o asked, saluting her as she approached.

"Fire at will!" Orihime said, using her arms to shovel snow towards her. Shun'o and Ayame were too small to carry the weapons themselves, so they encapsulated the projectiles in shields and flew off into the battlefield.

More explosions. More snow. Orihime reached into her pocket for her cell phone, flipping it open with shaking, gloved hands. She navigated the menu until she found the voice memo application. "Captain's log," she breathed into the speaker, "J-January 15th, 3:12pm. The enemy has advanced beyond our established barrier. I've lost half of my men, and the remaining three are currently engaging the enemy in combat. Trying to replenish our weapons supply, but enemy is too fast. Need reinforcements. Too bad they were all _too chicken _to come out and fight alongside us!"

Beyond the trench, Orihime heard what sounded like a dying scream from Ayame. She didn't dare risk giving away her location to see what had become of her sprite. "If I don't make it out of here alive," she hissed into the phone, affecting a broken voice, "tell Chizuru to be strong!"

Tsubaki and Shun'o returned, breathing heavily. Orihime put the cell phone away and looked at them. "Ayame?" she asked. Shun'o shook his head sadly.

"Damn it!" Tsubaki cried, whacking the side of the trench with a small fist. "Is there nothing we can do?"

"We just have to keep trying," Orihime said. "We can't let her sacrifice, or Lily's, or Baigon's, or Hinagiku's, be in vain! They were brave soldiers. They gave their lives so that we could stand a chance of making it back home to our families! Let us honor them and give it our all, no matter how hopeless it seems! We won't surrender to – Tsubaki-kun, are you crying?"

"No! Who's crying?"

"_Look out_!"

It all seemed to happen in slow motion: Shun'o using his power to push Orihime out of harm's way, the bright flash above their heads, the loud explosion that helped throw Orihime several feet from where she'd been crouched, the mound of snow that collapsed on top of Tsubaki and Shun'o. Orihime screamed, forgetting the danger of standing, and ran to the site where her men had been buried. "Shun'o! Tsubaki!" She began digging, throwing snow in every direction, but more slid down to take its place. It soaked through her gloves, chilling her hands. "Someone, please! Answer me!"

A shadow fell over her body. Orihime froze, her fingers clenching into fists, rage causing her shoulders to shake. "You…" she whispered, whirling around with tears in her eyes and a snowball ready to fly. "You…!"

It was no good. Her wrists were seized, and a moment later she was flat on her back, staring up into the cold green eyes of Ulquiorra Cifer. "We met again, Captain Inoue," he murmured, his voice sounding loud in her ears now that the firing had ceased. "It would seem that you learned nothing after your last humiliating defeat, coming after me with such a weak army."

"_Hey!_" Tsubaki's muffled voice snapped from the pile of snow to their left.

"How could you do this?" Orihime demanded, hot tears spilling down her temples.

"As I recall, you were the one who declared war on me," Ulquiorra replied with no emotion. "Now then, will you surrender?"

Orihime turned her head away. "Never!"

"You are defeated, woman. Lay down your arms."

"You can take my soldiers, and you can take my life, but I'll never let you have my dignity!" she cried passionately. To her shock and indignation, Ulquiorra's mouth curled up into a humorless smirk.

"Those are brave words coming from someone in such an undignified position," he said, reaching for her jacket's zipper. "We shall see how brave you are in a moment."

Orihime's cheeks burst into flame. "What… what are you doing?" He unzipped her jacket in a slow, leisurely way, savoring her discomfort. When she noticed that he was eyeing her stomach, she began to squirm. "You wouldn't dare!" she cried, throwing her weight around. Unfortunately he had her pinned good, and the slippery ground wasn't helping her boot-clad feet find purchase. Her jacket came apart with a barely audible click, revealing the cream-colored turtleneck below.

"You only have yourself and your arrogance to blame," Ulquiorra declared, using his free hand to collect snow. "Any last words, Captain Inoue?"

Orihime twisted herself, arched her back, flailed her legs, but it was no good. She wasn't going anywhere. She looked up at the gray-white sky, at the snowflakes that continued to fall, preparing to bury her body the moment he finished with her. Then she closed her eyes and smiled. "It was fun, wasn't it?"

A brief pause. "Yes."

And then a well-formed snowball was dropped onto her exposed stomach.

Orihime screamed, squealing and kicking like a wounded animal. "Cold! _Cold_!" she shrieked, laughing breathlessly. "Let me up, Ulquiorra-kun, this is too cruel!"

"You will accept your death with honor," Ulquiorra said, keeping her there. He checked her for injuries while she wriggled around trying to escape the freezing touch of the slush on her belly. If she had that much energy, she must have been alright. He'd panicked when the last bala had nearly sent her flying. "Woman," his tone was scolding, "you are too loud."

"That's awful funny coming from the guy who was firing at us with his hollow powers," Lily shot back as she flew in from where she'd been playing dead. Ayame, Hinagiku, and Baigon appeared as well, shaking snow off of their clothes. Tsubaki burst out of the mound, shivering.

"I hate snow!" he complained, wrapping his arms around himself.

Orihime recovered enough to send him an apologetic look. "Sorry, Tsubaki-kun, I forgot." She recalled the fairies to the hairpins clipped to her pocket, then sat up, zipping her jacket back up while Ulquiorra put distance between them and sat against the wall of the trench. "You win again!" she said with a heavy sigh.

"I warned you that it was a bad idea," Ulquiorra replied, looking to the right, then to the left. "Even digging these did nothing to help."

"I've always wanted to hide in trenches during a snowball fight, though." Orihime would have been surprised that he'd agreed to it at all, had she not known his human side to be so competitive. She glanced at him shyly. "Thanks for indulging me."

Ulquiorra turned his head to say that it was nothing, only to come into direct contact with the woman's lips, soft and warm against his own. She pulled back quickly, the redness of her cheeks no longer having anything to do with the cold. It was the first time she'd kissed him since they had started dating, and Ulquiorra was so surprised that the only thing it occurred to him to say was, "This will make an enormous political scandal."

Orihime burst out laughing. Ulquiorra looked away, and was determined not to look at her again for the rest of the day.

**/TBC/**


	61. Tomorrow

**A/N: **It's been so long! I apologize. You know what it's like, trying to dig up inspiration these days? Have you ever seen the movie _Holes_? Enough of my excuses. On with the show!

**Announcement: **For laughs, I decided to crossover _Muse _and _Tell Yourself _by having the Orihimes of each universe switch places. The results were fantastic – I ended up shipping TY!Ulqui and Muse!Hime so hard that I still smile like an idiot at the thought of them together. It was actually supposed to be pointless smut between them but I don't know how to write pointless smut so it became emotional for everyone involved. Anyway, I won't be interrupting the current narrative with said crossover, so head over to my writing blog (will post link in profile) to read the summaries if that's something you're interested in! :D

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Bleach or any other copyrighted material.

**Tell Yourself**

**By: Princess Kitty1**

**Tomorrow**

With no work on his schedule, Ulquiorra Cifer was left to his own devices for the afternoon. It was warm enough for all the recently fallen snow to melt into a lovely memory, but it was still scarf and glove weather, and would be for a while. The end of January was fast approaching, which meant little to Ulquiorra. He was tired of the illnesses flying around; the neighbor boy had acquired some schoolhouse plague, and every cough spewed germs that could have snuck their way into the air vents, infecting the entire building. Luckily, neither Ulquiorra nor the woman had shown symptoms… yet.

The woman had, however, been a different sort of sick that morning. While the end of January meant the same to Ulquiorra as the end of any other month, it was a "matter of life and death" for Orihime Inoue – her words. That day, she was to undergo a trial that would decide the course of her entire future: a college entrance exam.

In his studies of human life and nature, Ulquiorra had come across a few paragraphs about the national exam taken once a year by thousands of students. According to the books, and the woman's ever-increasing stress levels, the last two school terms had been devoted almost exclusively to preparation for the exam. Many college-minded students attended cram schools to boost their chances of success. Social lives and relationships were sacrificed. Teenagers studied themselves straight into the hospital. The woman herself would have done so if Ulquiorra hadn't taken her books and ordered her to sleep.

He had attempted to remind her that she'd walked into battles with less preparation than she had for this exam. Orihime wasn't soothed in the slightest. She'd rambled on about her part-time job cutting into her homework hours, her inability to go to cram school, and even momentarily regretted all the fun she'd had while other students were studying hard enough to cough up blood. "_I don't deserve to get into university_," she had concluded, bowing her head to her breakfast in apology.

Yet her conviction of failure was not enough to deter her from going to take the exam. She'd put on her uniform, packed her materials, and given Ulquiorra one of those pitiful looks that begged for reassurance. His wisdom spent, Ulquiorra had allowed her to prolong her suffering by embracing him for half a minute.

He could have gone on letting her embrace him all day, but he had a self-appointed duty to keep her from losing to her fears.

That said, there was a reason Ulquiorra had been given the afternoon off of work: with the shinigami, the Quincy, and the woman trapped in such an important exam, Ulquiorra was the only person left who wasn't too lazy to fight off invading hollows. He was reminded of that when the sky above a nearby building began to ripple ominously.

With a bored look, Ulquiorra took himself up to where the hollow was coming through. Such a nuisance; had he been one of those hulking, dumb beasts at some point? But as he came closer, something compelled him to stop. The creature that was coming through the hole was much stronger than an average hollow – an adjuchas class, from the feel of it. He stepped backwards as numerous limbs pushed their way through the garganta, thinking, why would an adjuchas leave Hueco Mundo? Was someone pulling the hollows' strings again?

He wouldn't have time to work it out himself. Two of its arms lashed out at him before its main body was through, requiring him to take several more steps back. Could he fight this creature? Yes; he hadn't been _that _limited by his humanity. He'd have to be quick about it, though.

"_Sense… power…_" said the adjuchas as it crossed into the human world at last. Ulquiorra narrowed his eyes in disgust. The creature's form was that of a spider with a leering mask and an enormous, snapping mouth on its underside. "_Is that an arrancar, standing in front of me? No. Too weak, heheheh. But familiar somehow. Do I know you?_"

Ulquiorra pocketed his hands. "Why have you come to this world, adjuchas?"

"_Why? To eat – no, to look. To eat and to look. Why are _you _here, hollow thing? Do I know you?_" it asked again, and in the blink of an eye, it was upon Ulquiorra, its eight arms writhing around him. "_Sight is bad, pardon my closeness. I recognize you now! How fortuitous. You are Ulquiorra Cifer, correct? Cuatro Espada of Aizen-sama's?_"

At this range, blasting a hole in the hollow's mouth would have been no problem. But Ulquiorra held off, curious as to why this thing had come, and what it would do with the knowledge of his identity. To his surprise, it began to laugh.

"_So it's true! A former, proud hollow is living among humans! And it stinks of human, too – it looks upon me with revulsion, but has it looked at itself lately?_" Ulquiorra felt his patience for the hollow dwindling rapidly. "_Ah! Too funny. Too humorous. I have seen, now I can eat. But fear not for your safety; I do not want to eat you. I might get sick_."

Ulquiorra lifted his hand and blew off two of the spider's legs, sending it reeling. It scuttled away from him, screeching, its balance shot. But through its pain, the adjuchas continued to laugh. "_Still this strong, and living with humans! Posing as one of them! Even protecting them! Next it will say it has taken a human mate!_" Its mirth turned to agony as four more legs were annihilated by Ulquiorra's cero.

"That is enough of your amusement, trash," he said as he came forward to finish it off.

"_Ulquiorra Cifer_," the adjuchas gasped through its suffering, "_former arrancar, now human thing. Why a human thing? What is your reason for being_?"

Ulquiorra pointed at the spider's mask, energy gathering at his fingertip.

"_Why are you here?_" it asked him, with a mad giggle. "_Why are you still alive_?"

"Oi, Cifer-san! Do you need any help?" Ulquiorra blew off the hollow's head and watched it disintegrate before turning to face Urahara Kisuke. The shopkeeper sat cross-legged on the rooftop's edge, grinning from ear to ear. "That wasn't very nice. We could have called in a local shinigami to finish the job. How would you feel if you were blown away with no chance of soul purification?" He got no response, other than a withering glare. "Just making sure you were alright. Can't have my best employee falling in battle, or else the store would revert to the circus it was before you arrived."

"It posed no threat to me," Ulquiorra said flatly.

"Of course it didn't." There was something about the way the idiot was looking at him that he wasn't fond of. He slipped his hand back into his coat pocket and began to walk away. "Cifer-san," Urahara called out in a singsong tone, "give my regards to Inoue-san. This is a very important day for her."

Ulquiorra neither slowed down nor acknowledged hearing him. He descended the building, resuming his walk through Karakura Town, noticing again that everyone he passed was completely ignorant of the fact that their souls had been momentarily endangered. But it wasn't like he'd protected them. He only killed the hollow to serve his own interests; do some things for Soul Society, in exchange for being allowed to live in the human world, with the woman. Play along to make her happy. That was why he was there.

Not because he couldn't go back to Hueco Mundo. Not because _this _was home for him now. Not because he'd become human and couldn't change himself back – didn't want to change himself back.

_What is your reason for being? Why are you still alive? _

How could he call himself human and still act like he was superior to them?

The January sky was light blue, a pale sun following an invisible arc from horizon to horizon. At Karakura High School, Ichigo Kurosaki relaxed now that the presence of the adjuchas had faded away. Rukia Kuchiki took her time filling in answers, knowing that this exam had no relevance to her life whatsoever. Uryuu Ishida checked and double-checked his work before moving on to the next page. Orihime Inoue chewed on the end of her mechanical pencil as she frowned at a math question.

And several blocks away, Ulquiorra Cifer stood still, staring ahead, lost in a sea of humanity.

**/TBC/**


	62. Personal Space

**A/N: **This chapter is nothing but fluff. Disgusting fluff. Horrible fluff. Get it away from me. I'm going to be ill!

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Bleach or any other copyrighted material.

**Tell Yourself**

**By: Princess Kitty1**

**Personal Space**

The television was on, and the light it provided danced on the walls like that of a candle. With each new scene, the room was a little darker, or a lot brighter; pitch black in the second-long beat between programming and advertisements. Back and forth it went, from a woman dressed in a pink pastel lolita-style dress, to a man in comically huge glasses and an afro wig. They bantered about new video game releases that Orihime had been excited about for months.

The girl in question sat bathed in the glow of the television, her legs tucked beneath her, tightening and releasing her fingers around the sleeve of her oversized sweater. On the opposite side of the sofa, Ulquiorra held a book open with thumb and pinkie fingers, his head bowed to block out the distraction of the absurd variety show.

Orihime's large round eyes reflected the events on screen, but her mind had wandered elsewhere. Ulquiorra was likewise preoccupied; he'd been unable to keep focused on the print for more than a few minutes, and had not turned the page since the show had begun. Any other evening, Orihime would have noticed. She'd have turned to him with an amused smile and asked if he was falling asleep, to which he would either respond in the negative, or nod his head with a drowsy murmur.

Tonight, she was a touch self-absorbed. Her fingers flexed, relaxed. Her bottom lip was pulled between her teeth. She unwound her legs, stretched them, wiggled and popped her toes, then resettled, a little closer to Ulquiorra. Half a minute later, she decided that she was unsatisfied with that position as well. Her weight shifted, and she allowed gravity to move her into the center of the couch, where the two cushions met.

Ulquiorra lifted his left hand and flipped to the next page, his gaze never once leaving the book. The room and the television went black, then a hybrid vehicle zoomed across the screen, driven by a handsome man in a crisp suit.

Orihime's foot sunk into the gap between the cushions. She hated that gap; always feared that an insect, rodent, or gnome would crawl up out of the void and bite her toes. She swung her legs around, huffing. But within minutes, the opposite foot had found its way into the crevice, and her skin tingled with the sensation of imaginary ants crawling around her nails. She yanked the appendage free and pushed herself even closer to Ulquiorra. He glanced at her. She shrugged and made a can't-be-helped noise, then fixed her attention on the television.

The variety show returned with an as-promised gameplay demonstration. Orihime folded her hands across her lap, watching the colorful sprites rush into battle, empowered by the enthusiastic cries of the hosts. She was now acutely aware of how her elbow brushed against Ulquiorra's when either of them breathed. Her eyes cut to his profile, the television, the book, back to the television, his hand, the television again. Her chest rose as she inhaled deeply, fell as she let the air out in a rush. Her fingernails bit into the sleeves of her knit sweater.

Then, as the fight on the television screen came to a climax, she leaned ever-so-slightly to the right, and her side made full contact with Ulquiorra's.

The words on the page of his book scattered like tiny ink mice. His gaze slowly shifted from the jumbled nonsense of the paragraph, to the television, then to the woman using his shoulder as a headrest. She stared determinedly ahead, her expression arranged into one of casual interest in the variety show, which had somehow devolved into a pie-eating contest.

The book lowered towards Ulquiorra's knotted stomach, was half-closed before he realized that this would invite conversation – which was not ideal for one who was presently at a loss for words. So it sprang back open, and his eyes sought the words he'd allowed to escape in his surprise. He still couldn't make sense of them. The woman's gesture was a question in want of an answer, and he would have no peace until he gave one he deemed appropriate.

Orihime was beginning to suspect that she'd annoyed Ulquiorra. The tension that she'd caused by sidling up to him hadn't melted in the slightest; his posture was as rigid as ever. Moments later, he withdrew his arm, leaving her flustered. But before she could mutter an apology, he slipped his arm between the sofa and her back, rested his fingers over her waist, and pulled. The final inch of distance that had separated them was closed.

It was Orihime's turn to be rigid. She'd asked for his shoulder, and had been given his shoulder, plus her hip touching his hip and her knee bumping into his knee. His eyes were fixed on the page beneath his thumb – which, she noticed at last, he hadn't turned in a while. Then, as if pleading with her not to start up conversation, he idly dragged his fingers through the ends of her hair, winding and unwinding the silken strands.

Orihime had heard of women "melting" under their lover's touch, but hadn't understood what it meant until that moment. She fell against Ulquiorra, unable and unwilling to move, realizing too late that she hadn't caught a word of her show. And Ulquiorra, who was finally somewhat able to concentrate on what he was reading, flipped to the next page, feeling the reassuring beat of his own heart as it made a nuisance of itself in his throat.

**/TBC/**


	63. My Pride and Other Injured Things

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Bleach or any other copyrighted material.

**Tell Yourself**

**By: Princess Kitty1**

**My Pride and Other Injured Things**

"Hime, no offense, but I don't think this is a good idea." Tatsuki perched on the edge of her bed, wishing she had the energy to keep Orihime out of her closet. Unfortunately, she was still burnt out from the exams they'd taken that week. How her best friend managed to be so lively was beyond her. Maybe love had something to do with it?

Sitting beside Tatsuki, Chizuru was admiring the view of Orihime's wiggling rump, smiling with all the affection of a pet owner admiring their puppy. "Don't listen to her. She's a killjoy! You have your honor to defend, right?" she cooed.

"Right!" Orihime yelled back.

"Woman," said Ulquiorra, who was standing next to the bedroom door with eyes closed and hands pocketed, "I did not mean to insult your honor."

Tatsuki's parents were no strangers to the girls' liveliness. It wasn't the first time Chizuru and Orihime had stormed into the house with their daughter, bowed to them, and resumed their chatter on the way up the stairs. But it _was_ the first time the trio of girls had been accompanied by a man – more specifically, a man who was introduced as Orihime's boyfriend. And like any parent concerned about the welfare of their daughter's orphaned classmate, they passed frequently by the door, hovering a second or two in the hopes of catching snippets of conversation. Ulquiorra heard their footsteps from his post.

Orihime turned a full blown pout on him. "You said that you didn't believe I could break a board with my bare hands!"

"I have seen no proof of your expertise in the field of martial arts. You can hardly blame me for having doubts. Furthermore, I was not issuing a challenge, so I would advise you to listen to Arisawa and give up this pursuit." His words fell on deaf ears. Orihime was back in the closet, and Chizuru was minutes from a nosebleed. A second later, she let out a triumphant cry and whirled around with a wooden board raised in the air.

"Found it! See, I told you keeping some of these would be useful." Orihime handed the board to Chizuru, who dropped it in Tatsuki's lap with a frightened whimper.

Tatsuki groaned. "Do I have to?"

Orihime ignored her, pointing an unsteady finger at Ulquiorra. "Get ready to apologize!" she cried, loud enough to make him cringe. Tatsuki stood from the bed and moved to the center of the room. Orihime breathed in deeply and began to focus on the task ahead. The board was raised in front of Tatsuki, whose expression continued to relay her reluctance to Orihime in the hopes that she'd change her mind. It had been a while since the latter had put her karate skills to use, after all; the most likely outcome of this adventure was that she'd walk away with an injury.

"Go Hime!" Chizuru cheered, swooning as Orihime took her stance.

Ulquiorra's eyes were open now, curiosity getting the better of him, though he remained annoyed and unapologetic. He could also sense that one of the Arisawa parents had parked themselves outside the door, no doubt wondering why all the conversation had stopped.

Silence stretched between them. Nobody moved. Then, without hesitation, Orihime thrust her arm forward and, with a ferocious cry, split the wooden board in two.

Chizuru launched into thunderous applause. Tatsuki examined both sides of the board. "Geez, and I thought you were out of practice," she said, tossing them onto her bed.

Ulquiorra's face hadn't changed, but Orihime could tell that he was mildly impressed. She sashayed over to him, grinned, and poked him in the chest. "Got something to say to me?"

"For the last time, woman, insulting you was not my intention."

Her smile dropped faster than a cannonball. She stomped back to the closet and resumed her rummaging. "Oh, would you just say you're sorry? She's going to hurt herself!" Tatsuki snapped. She knew how stubborn Orihime could be, and coupled with Ulquiorra's stoic manner, it was a miracle the two of them didn't fight more often. Orihime walked over and pressed two boards into her hands. "You've already demonstrated for him!"

"Woman,"

"This is totally your fault," Chizuru said to Ulquiorra.

Orihime took her stance, emptied her mind, aimed at a point past the two boards, and struck with a shout. Both planks snapped in half. Tatsuki nearly lost her balance, but regained her footing before she could fall backwards. Satisfied, Orihime put her hands together and bowed to her best friend, with Chizuru whistling and clapping in the background. "Who's out of practice?" she teased.

"Not you," Tatsuki replied, dropping the wooden planks onto the floor.

Ulquiorra abandoned his spot on the wall and approached Orihime. Her manner had turned from pride to outright cockiness, and she straightened her posture to look him in the eyes. "What do you have to say now?"

As usual, his face remained the same, but there was such an aura of anger coming off of him that Tatsuki didn't know whether to get between them or move back. Ulquiorra reached out and gently took Orihime's arm, bringing her hand closer for inspection. The miniscule wince was enough to give her away. "You did not have to fracture your palm to prove a point to me," he hissed, his voice lower than Tatsuki and Chizuru had ever heard it.

Orihime's smile faded. She bowed her head. Her friends exchanged worried glances. Ulquiorra sighed, checked his temper, and smoothed his fingers over her palm. "Heal yourself, woman. There is no use moping when you split those boards so cleanly."

"I'm sorry," she whispered. "I got carried away…"

"You do not have to apologize for your personality flaws. I have long since accepted them."

"_Wow_," Tatsuki deadpanned, "what a charmer."

**/TBC/**

**A/N: **At this point I'm covering different aspects of their relationship, as well as getting the silliness out of the way, because Chapter 61 marked the beginning of _Tell Yourself'_s final story arc and things are going to get pretty serious from here on out. So enjoy all this while it lasts!


	64. Breaking Point

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Bleach or any other copyrighted material.

**Tell Yourself**

**By: Princess Kitty1**

**Breaking Point**

The vacant room that Ulquiorra found himself in was simultaneously foreign and familiar – foreign, because it did not belong to the human world, familiar because he had been there on five other occasions. It was located somewhere in the Fourth Division's headquarters, which made little sense to him. If they wanted to examine him, why not do so in the Twelfth Division, where that sadistic scientist captain would have him dissected in a matter of minutes? He hardly thought the braided woman threatening, but he seemed to be the only person who held that opinion.

The room was not comfortable, per say. It lacked furniture, and the single window, though sporting a lovely view of an inner courtyard, was barred. He was also constantly plagued by the feeling of being watched, but had yet to figure out how the shinigami's surveillance worked. The setup was meant to irritate him, he knew. They always left him alone for a period of time to see if he would succumb to paranoia and start firing holes into the walls. But, if he was correct, the isolation period should have been ending in a matter of –

There came the light _swish _of the door being opened, and in stepped Byakuya Kuchiki, whose expression mirrored what Ulquiorra felt behind his own poker face: displeasure at having his day interrupted by a pointless endeavor. The captain walked into the room and, without greeting or acknowledgement, took a seat opposite Ulquiorra. He produced a brush, paint, and paper; laid them out on the floor. He began to practice his calligraphy, sweeping the brush over the canvas with elegant strokes.

Ulquiorra watched the brush move. The captain was drawing the sign for infinity, beginning and ending it in the same motion. Again and again the sign was painted, filling the pages like some kind of code. At first Ulquiorra thought it _was _a secret message, but he could not fathom its meaning. Was it a signal to the outside world, perhaps? _Everything was fine_? Why not a more relevant symbol, then?

It wasn't until he realized how completely and utterly relaxed he was that comprehension dawned. Byakuya Kuchiki, who would not look at, speak to, or accept Ulquiorra in any form or fashion, was trying to keep him calm. The more Ulquiorra followed the movement of the brush, the better he felt. His tension was melting away.

How often did Captain Kuchiki use this technique for himself, he wondered?

The door flew open. Ulquiorra looked up, and his irritation slammed back into him like a malevolent spirit: the woman's boisterous shinigami friend was flouncing into the room. "Yo," she said to Byakuya, "you're done for the day. It's my turn to babysit!"

Byakuya gathered up his things and made a pitying face towards the garden before leaving. The door was shut, and Rangiku Matsumoto dropped down across from Ulquiorra, occupying the warm spot where Byakuya had been. She'd cut her hair since Ulquiorra had last seen her. "Been a while, uh… what do I call you? Cifer-san? Yeah? You can correct me if I get it wrong." Ulquiorra said nothing. The woman's lip curled. "Please, don't feel obligated to talk on my account." She reached into the folds of her clothing and produced a small bottle of sake, which she popped open and took a healthy pull from.

"Should you be drinking on duty?" Ulquiorra asked her.

"Huh? Oh yeah! I'm like a thousand times more useful when I'm sloshed, so says Captain Shrimp. Although I think he might have meant it sarcastically." Rangiku shrugged, drank more, and held out the bottle to Ulquiorra. "Want some?"

He leaned away an inch or two. "I do not drink."

Rangiku took the bottle back. "That's a shame. I can tell you'd be an entertaining drunk. But what _kind _of entertaining drunk?" She caressed the glass thoughtfully. "Me, I get angry. I start yelling at people and picking fights and crashing into things. It's a big mess. My favorite bar has a cleaning crew on speed dial, just for me. Can you believe it? Anyway, I'm usually the happiest person you'll ever meet – complete opposite of drunk me. So I'm going to guess that you'd be a conversationalist. Ooh! Maybe even a weepy conversationalist!"

Ulquiorra tuned out the rest of the shinigami's inane predictions, pondering instead what he could have been doing with his afternoon. Work was the obvious choice; the woman's exams cost money, and since she was paying out of her own pocket, the least he could do was cover the bills she usually took charge of. He'd also wanted to visit a local shrine, having read in a history book the story of how it had once served as the hideout for a famous –

"How are things going with Orihime?"

Ulquiorra transitioned back into attentiveness with perfected ease. "What do you mean?"

Rangiku removed her lips from the sake bottle. "You know, your relationship." To that, she got no response. She waited. Ulquiorra stared. "You're seriously not going to tell me?" The way he could go without blinking for so long unnerved her. She put the sake bottle down and fluffed her strawberry blonde hair. "Let me be up front with you, Cifer-san. I can see why Soul Society doesn't trust you. Our only understanding of hollows is that they devour souls, and it's our job to keep that from happening. I couldn't bring myself to trust you either at first. When Orihime defended you, I was afraid she'd lost her mind."

Ulquiorra remembered that day as clearly as if it had happened a week ago. He saw the woman standing in front of him, using her very spirit to shield him from Soul Society's judgment, risking everything on the off chance that there was some good in him. Even he hadn't known if there was good in him then.

"When things settled down after Aizen's capture, Orihime was called here to write an account of her time in Hueco Mundo. Captain Unohana gave her the assignment; told her to pretend it was a diary entry. The report was then analyzed for signs of psychological trauma, and when none turned up, it was read aloud to the rest of us. I didn't know what to make of it. I worried about Orihime, wondered if she was keeping her suffering to herself. It's a bad habit of hers."

"I am aware," Ulquiorra said.

Rangiku nodded in agreement. "Anyway, when you showed up in the human world, the alarms sounded in my head. Why were you there? Why did you seek Orihime out? Were you acting on orders, taking advantage of whatever relationship you two had formed in Hueco Mundo? And more importantly, how could she just accept the person who killed the guy she loved and injured one of her other friends? Did she believe that it didn't matter because everybody turned out alright in the end? I'll be the first to admit that I hoped that they _would _throw you in prison, just to get you as far away from her as possible.

"It took a long time for me – for most of us, really – to see what Orihime saw in you." Rangiku gazed out at the courtyard. "To her, you've been born again. Your heart gave you a clean slate. She wanted you to live, in the fullest sense of the word. Not rotting away in a jail cell, where your new heart would be filled with bitterness; but out in the world, where you had as equal a chance as anyone else to be happy." She laughed. "As for how she could want you to be happy after what you made her go through… well, she must have decided that becoming human was punishment enough."

Ulquiorra had no reply. Rangiku picked up her sake bottle and took a gulp. "She never gives herself enough credit, so make damn sure to remind her how special she is. Got it? We are _assholes_. Scum! Orihime's got more worth in her little finger than we have in our entire bodies!"

"You have not had enough to be this intoxicated."

"I _may_ have gotten a head start before I came in," Rangiku slurred, finishing the rest of her bottle. "Freakin' delicious." Whoever was watching must have decided that the vice-captain was too impaired to continue; the door opened, revealing the pink-haired Yachiru Kusajishi, sucking on a lollipop. "Whoops. Time to go," Rangiku muttered, climbing to her feet. "See you later, Cifer-san! It was nice talking to you." She pointed a nagging finger at Yachiru. "Don't be too hard on him, 'kay?"

"'Kay!" Yachiru cried around her lollipop. She plopped down in Rangiku's abandoned spot and stared at Ulquiorra, slurping loudly. He remained where he was. Yachiru maneuvered the lollipop to the other side of her mouth. "Did ya bring it?"

Ulquiorra reached into his coat pocket and produced a handheld video game system, which he slid across the floor to the girl. "Do not get it dirty. It belongs to the woman."

"Sweet!" Yachiru picked it up and flipped it open, looking around for the power button. "I am so going to win this time!"

Ulquiorra withdrew a second system, which he'd purchased upon the woman's insistence, and turned it on. "Don't count on it."

For the next thirty minutes, Yachiru screamed, button-mashed and chewed on the stick of her lollipop anxiously. Ulquiorra did not go easy on her. There was no reason to underestimate the vice captain of the most violent division, just because she had the appearance of a child. Besides, she was getting better with every match. He might have even lost to her if the door hadn't opened, signaling the end of her watch. Zaraki Kenpachi stood outside, scowling, but he didn't come in when Yachiru ran over to boast of her accomplishments. "Let's play again sometime!" the girl said before she departed with her captain.

There was silence after that, and Ulquiorra wondered if he was done for the day. But then someone else walked into the room – someone who had never been part of his behavioral assessments before. "We meet again, Mister Espada!" Shinji Hirako, dressed in captain's robes, strode forward and sat down across from him. "How ya been?"

Ulquiorra narrowed his eyes. He did not want to speak to the grinning Vizard, because it would undoubtedly lead to losing his temper. Unfortunately, Shinji wasn't deterred by Ulquiorra's silence, and continued to speak his mind. "I hear you've adjusted well to the human world. Got a job," he pointed to the systems Ulquiorra had yet to put away, "found some hobbies, started a relationship with Orihime-chan…"

"Do not address her so familiarly, trash."

"Why not? She was my first love!" Shinji protested, then leaned back and rolled his tongue piercing around with his teeth. "Fine, Inoue-chan. But only because you asked so nicely."

Ulquiorra imagined wrapping his pale hands around the man's neck. "What do you want?"

"Hmm? Can't a guy just come in for a chat without having his motives questioned?" Shinji lowered his head to look at Ulquiorra. "I want to know how you're doing. From one person who had to adjust to human life, to another. Don't you think we're kinda similar?" The venomous glare he received in response encouraged him to elaborate. "I had a lot of anger towards the person who changed me. Couldn't let it go. Still haven't let it go… not entirely. I assume that you weren't very pleased with Or– Inoue-chan in the beginning either, but if you're dating her, you must be over it. How do you feel about that, by the way? Dating her?"

"I do not have to answer to you."

"Must be nice," Shinji mused, examining the room disinterestedly. "Relationships aren't everything, though. There's much more to life than finding a partner. Just look at me! I'm single as can be, and I'm… bitter about it, but sure of my identity as an individual. I even got this tongue piercing! It was sort of a congrats-for-self-actualizing present, to me, from me, with love. Anyway, I suppose what I'm trying to ask is, have you done the same?"

Ulquiorra hesitated. "Pierced my tongue?"

"No, self-actualized. Achieved inner peace. Come to terms with your human identity, and made yourself some future goals, beyond petting Inoue-chan for the rest of your life. Lucky bastard." Shinji could see that he'd caught Ulquiorra off guard. "Allow me to present it another way. If Orihime Inoue were to die tomorrow – "

Cold steel bit into his neck. In the blink of an eye, Ulquiorra had retrieved Murcielago, unsheathed it, and positioned it at his pulse. The quiet restraint was gone; the look on Ulquiorra's face was full of animosity. Shinji raised both hands in a gesture for patience. "I'm not threatening her," he said carefully, "this is a hypothetical question. If Orihime Inoue were to die tomorrow – God forbid – _what would you do_?"

Ulquiorra refused to stand down. He didn't care if the Vizard was sending nonverbal cues to a fixed point on the wall. It didn't matter if his outburst would cost him the behavioral assessment. He'd been provoked. The woman would understand.

_What would you do_?

Shinji watched his face, waited for the change that would come when he'd allowed the question to sink in. It arrived a moment later. Ulquiorra's anger disappeared behind his usual façade, and his grip on Murcielago relaxed, but only slightly. "You don't know, do you?" Shinji asked.

_She wanted you to live, in the fullest sense of the word._

Ulquiorra lowered his blade. The door opened, Retsu Unohana standing on the other side. Shinji picked himself up and rubbed his throat. "Think about it, Ulquiorra Cifer." To Unohana, he gave a cheerful smile. "Don't worry. He passed."

Unohana did not look like she approved of anything that had transpired between the two, but she made no comment. Once Shinji was gone, she approached Ulquiorra, who had replaced Murcielago and had his back turned to her. He appeared, she thought to herself, very human. "Cifer-san, you're almost done. All that's left is the physical exam, and then you're free to go home." She did not wait for him follow, because she knew that he would.

Ulquiorra walked several paces behind, imagining infinity painted everywhere he looked.

**/TBC/**


	65. Are You Afraid?

**A/N: **When we think of Orihime as devious, we need only remember the days when she guilt-tripped Tatsuki into laughing at her stupid joke about the sleeping bag.

That said, Happy (early) Valentine's Day! If you're single like me, take yourself on a date, and tell _you_ how fabulous _you_ are, because being single is awesome. If you're taken, buy your lover and yourself Nerf guns, and have a shootout in the house. And whatever your relationship status happens to be, celebrate responsibly!

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Bleach or any other copyrighted material.

**Tell Yourself**

**By: Princess Kitty1**

**Are You Afraid?**

It was Valentine's Eve, and Ulquiorra had a fever. When Orihime had picked up on the change in both his complexion and his mental quickness, she'd put a wrist to his forehead, frowned, and sent him back to bed. He went with only mild, muttered complaints about work and being perfectly capable of functioning. That had been in the morning, before she'd gone to school, and when she'd come home from the bakery after classes she'd found him still asleep in his room.

What worried Orihime was not the fever, really, but the knowledge that Ulquiorra was very rarely ill. It didn't escape her notice that he hadn't been himself since returning from his last behavioral assessment. But, figuring that he'd bring it up on his own, she had left the subject untouched.

Now as she stirred the pot of chocolate on the stove, she wondered if she'd made the right choice. Whatever was plaguing Ulquiorra's mind could have made him sick. She wanted him to confide in her, but at the same time, she worried: what if it was something that she didn't have a solution to? So far she'd been fortunate enough to be able to help him when he came to her with questions, but it couldn't last. She was only human – and one with limited experiences at that.

A faint hollow presence in the kitchen alerted her to Ulquiorra's wakefulness. She gave him a smile, deciding then that if she was going to confront him, she'd wait until after Valentine's Day. "Good evening! Are you feeling better?" she asked, using cheer to mask her concern.

There was a very brief pause in which he picked up on that concern despite her attempt to hide it. "You are preparing the chocolate," he said, his voice still affected by sleep.

Orihime nodded, turning down the heat. She'd known early on that there would be no way for her to surprise Ulquiorra with Valentine chocolates; he'd be home from work by the time she returned from the bakery and started making them. So, she had stayed late and baked him a little special something, with permission from her manager. She couldn't wait to see the look on Ulquiorra's face. He'd probably request that she feed some to Taro-kun to make sure it wasn't poisonous.

Ulquiorra came up behind her and stared into the pot. "I was approached by two of your nakama and asked to supervise the process. There were health and safety concerns."

"Oh really? Give me some names so I can make sure their chocolates get an extra pinch of salt."

"Anonymity was requested," he said, and Orihime figured that if Ulquiorra wasn't going to betray their identities, one of them must have been Tatsuki. She couldn't salt Tatsuki's chocolate; she loved her far too much for that. "Furthermore, a threat of revenge should not be made while wearing a colorful rabbit apron. It is hard to take seriously."

Orihime turned. "Ulquiorra-kun, are you saying that people who wear bunny aprons aren't capable of doing bad things? On the contrary, it's the ones that look sweet and innocent that no one suspects when somebody goes missing or turns up dead." She poked him. "You need to watch more murder mysteries."

"I will do no such thing." He eyed the chocolate pointedly. Orihime sighed and moved past him to the refrigerator, where she'd stashed two samples that she'd made ahead of time. They were small milk chocolate squares, unremarkable and undecorated. The others she planned to draw cute shapes on with white chocolate.

"Here," she muttered, pressing the square into his hand. She watched him lift it to his mouth and, feeling mean, waited until it was on his tongue before she added, "I used pickle juice for that one." Ulquiorra spat the chocolate out immediately, his fine-tuned cool lost to panic. Then he heard Orihime snicker and his eyes narrowed. "Like I said," she wagged a finger at him, "it's the people in bunny aprons you have to watch out for."

Ulquiorra dropped the chocolate square into the sink. "Your jokes do not impress me, woman."

"Good! I wasn't trying to impress you." She retrieved the second sample square and handed it to him. He took it, but didn't eat it right away. Orihime waited. Ulquiorra turned the chocolate over between his fingers, inspecting it for signs of foreign entities. It appeared innocent enough. He sniffed it, tested its weight, shook it to hear if anything rattled inside. Then he lifted it to his mouth and looked at Orihime again, but she'd lost interest and gone back to the counter to prepare the molds.

If it_ did _contain pickles, he thought, inducing vomiting would be the simplest remedy. Should that fail, he'd have to go to Soul Society to get his stomach pumped. That decided, he put the chocolate on his tongue and, after determining that it was safe from satanic vegetable juice, bit down on it.

Orihime glanced over her shoulder and saw him chewing. "Has it passed your inspection?"

Ulquiorra's usual expression was in place, but she could tell that he was in a strange mood. "One chocolate is insufficient for forming a proper opinion," he stated, as if it were the most obvious fact in the world.

Orihime turned away, a smile creeping onto her face. "You threw the other one in the sink."

"I acted hastily."

"Sorry, Ulquiorra-kun, this batch is for my friends, and the next batch is for Rangiku-san and the others in Soul Society, and the next is for my coworkers at the bakery, and the one after that is for the people at school… I simply don't have any chocolate to spare." She tapped her cheek thoughtfully. "I suppose I _could _let you lick the spoon, but that would be degrading, huh?"

"There are worse things in the world," Ulquiorra replied.

Orihime carefully poured the melted chocolate into the mold. "Wasn't your job to check to make sure I didn't throw in any weird ingredients? One chocolate square should have been enough to judge."

"That one was prepared separately. You could have put any number of things into this new concoction."

"You can watch me make the next one, then."

"And let the others go unchecked? It would be a job poorly done."

Orihime raised the mixing spoon and licked off some of the remaining chocolate. "Seems fine to me. Ah, but now I have to wash this before I use it!" she giggled, carrying the spoon over to the sink.

Ulquiorra grabbed the wooden handle. "You were the one who said there was pickle juice in the chocolate."

"And you should know how to tell when I'm joking by now," she said airily, pulling on the spoon to free it from his grasp. "Let go, it needs to be washed."

"There is still some left," Ulquiorra argued. "Food should not be wasted."

Orihime lowered her head and, after two failed attempts that ended with chocolate-smeared cheeks, stuck the spoon in her mouth. "Problem solved! No food wasted," she laughed, taking advantage of his shock to wrestle the utensil from him. He recovered quickly, however, and made for the spoon again. She tossed it in the sink, turning on the water faster than he could grab it. "You'll just have to wait, Ulquiorra-kun!" His reaction to the chocolate had been perfect, she thought with pleasure; if he liked these, he'd love the cake she'd baked him. "Can you please put the mold in the refrigerator? I'm making caramel for the next batch so I need the counter clear."

He did not do as he was asked. Instead, he turned Orihime around, which effectively curbed her amusement when she saw his annoyed frown. She giggled, but it was a nervous one. Color was spreading from her cheeks, to her ears, to her neck. Ulquiorra extended his arm past her and cut off the sink. "There is chocolate all over your face, Orihime Inoue."

Her eyes widened. If she'd ever doubted the presence of butterflies in her stomach, she could feel them now, whirling around like they'd been caught in a wind storm. When was the last time he'd said her name? "Y-You have a fever," she threw back, thinking it a proper response.

"Hmm," was all he had to say before his mouth brushed her cheek. At that proximity, Orihime could do nothing but hold his penetrating gaze as his tongue moved over his lips, tasting the chocolate he'd kissed off of her. She suddenly felt the need to put her head in the sink as well. But Ulquiorra wasn't done. "Here, too," he pointed out, and kissed the corner of her mouth. Oh, she shouldn't have teased him, she thought as his lips swept over hers briefly and –

Her cell phone began to ring.

They simultaneously gave the offending object an exasperated look. Ulquiorra, with I-don't-want-to slowness, picked it up from the counter and checked the display. "Arisawa," he said, holding the phone out to Orihime.

She stared at it, but her arms remained down at her sides. It rang twice more before she spoke, her voice strange. "I can't..." Ulquiorra blinked. "I can't pick up the phone," she clarified, playing with her hanging apron strings. "My hands are full with the chocolates… I can't talk right now." She shrugged. "And you're asleep."

Ulquiorra took in her fidgeting and averted gaze, and the meaning behind her dishonesty became clear. "I see." He put the phone down next to the sink behind her. "Then it cannot be helped."

Before Orihime could even reflect on what she'd gotten herself into, Ulquiorra's hands were in her hair, and he was kissing her. There were two competing thoughts in her mind: she had to put the chocolate in the refrigerator, and the way his lips moved against hers was anything but shy. The former thought faded quickly under the soft touch of his fingers on the back of her neck.

Ulquiorra, for once, wasn't thinking very clearly. His mind had already been muddled by the fever, and when he discovered that the woman's lips tasted like chocolate, it was hard to focus on anything else. His racing thoughts were quieted, peace standing in the place of the creeping anxiety he'd been trying in vain to escape from all week. The way her mouth yielded to his, and her hands resting lightly on his chest, all served to bury the dead-end realization he'd been hitting since he'd left Soul Society:

The woman was not the answer.

The chill of the statement reached him through the mental fog, causing him to draw back, but not far. With his forehead touching hers, she could feel that he was still burning up, and he could see the questions hidden behind a thin veil of disappointment.

"Ulquiorra-kun?" Orihime was almost afraid to move. He seemed to be looking right through her. "Where did you go?" Her tone must have brought him back to the present; she could see the change in his eyes, the way they refocused on her, loaded with meaning that she was too embarrassed to try interpreting. "You got distracted."

"Yes," he said, but nothing else. He slid his thumb across her cheek, the blush following after his touch. She blushed so easily. It made him want to kiss her again, so he did, determined to silence his mind before he caused her more worry. She hesitated only a moment, then her lips pushed back against his, gently, as if to remind him that he could trust her. He didn't doubt that.

But his thoughts continued to fight his attempts to smother them. Each time her mouth left his, the dull roar increased in volume. He tilted her head, kissed her harder, intoxicated himself with her quickened breaths. He tore himself from the grip of his mind and sought refuge in the parting of her lips, the taste of chocolate on her tongue as it met his, timidly at first, then with a curiosity that almost succeeded in destroying his capacity for reason.

It wasn't enough. The tighter he held onto her, the more he confirmed what he was running away from. And in his desperation, he pressed her into the wall, which issued a soft moan from her mouth.

The foreign sound triggered several epiphanies in Orihime, first and foremost being that they were going much, _much _faster than she was comfortable with. She applied pressure to her hands, stopping Ulquiorra in his tracks. Both of them were short of breath, red-faced, and not entirely lucid, but his unguarded expression allowed her to see what he was finally admitting to himself.

"You need to lie down," Orihime whispered. She did too, but chocolates didn't make themselves. "I'll bring you something for the fever soon, okay?"

Ulquiorra didn't argue, didn't try to steal any chocolate from the pot as he passed. He went to his room and left the door slightly open behind him. His eyes scanned his surroundings.

It had been more than a year since he'd come to live there. More than a year, and it still looked the same. What few belongings he had were hidden out of sight. There were no decorations anywhere. No sign that a human being, with a job and emotions and a purpose, resided there.

And it scared him.

**/TBC/**


	66. My Valentine

**A/N: **Part two of the Valentine's Day extravaganza! …sorry, that's a bad joke, the last chapter was kind of depressing. But do not fear! This one is disgustingly feel good. Also, happy birthday to my mooooooom!

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Bleach or any other copyrighted material.

**Tell Yourself**

**By: Princess Kitty1**

**My Valentine**

Yuzu Kurosaki walked down the street, the longer skirt of her winter middle school uniform swishing around her knees. When she'd discovered that Orihime and Ulquiorra had gotten together, she, like her rival Ururu, had cut her hair. But she hadn't wanted just any old haircut. She had taken with her a photo of her mother as a teenager, and asked the stylist to make them match. Needless to say, when she'd come home, her father had thrown himself sobbing at the blown-up portrait of Masaki on their wall and cried, "_Doesn't our daughter look just like you, Mama? With my chin of course!_"

The haircut had been "well received" by her classmates, if the "_Yuzu Kurosaki is such a boy_!" taunting she'd gotten from jealous girls was anything to go by. The boys, clearly, did not feel the same: they gaped at her as she walked confidently through the halls, unaware that she was nursing a broken heart.

But Yuzu had since made peace with her loss. The chocolates she carried in her bag, though homemade with love, were nothing but a symbol of closure. She couldn't let herself mope forever. Thus, when she stopped at a crosswalk to wait for the traffic signal to change, she whirled on Ururu, who had been strolling along beside her. "Are you following me?"

Ururu, dressed in an identical school uniform, didn't even grace her with a look. "In case you forgot, I work at the store."

"And I suppose those chocolates you're carrying are going to work with you?"

"Of course. It's Valentine's Day." She held the three wrapped bags of homemade chocolates she'd been carrying closer to her chest. "It would be insensitive of me to turn up empty handed."

Yuzu faced forward, huffing. Even as losers they were still competing to see who was higher in Ulquiorra's regard. The traffic signal changed, and they stepped into the street without acknowledging each other. From an outside perspective, they looked like two classmates who were on their way to buy some candy.

Then their walking pace increased.

Then they were shuffling along, excusing themselves to people they passed.

Then they were jogging, clutching their belongings tightly.

And finally they were sprinting down the sidewalk, shoving and attempting to trip each other, pulling hair, crying out and slinging insults back and forth as the candy store grew closer and closer. They hit the door with such force that they lost their footing and crashed onto the tile floor.

Kisuke Urahara was at the cash register. "Ah, Ururu, Yuzu-chan!" he greeted them cheerfully. "If you're looking for Cifer-san, he left ten minutes ago."

…

Ulquiorra had woken up late that morning fever-free. There had been no text or voicemail from the woman lecturing him to stay home from work. In fact, he'd found the opposite in the kitchen: a handwritten note asking him to pick something up at the bakery after his shift, with an attached receipt. It was likely that she'd decided to remain at school to study for her final entrance exam.

All around him, it seemed, were happy couples. The ones who were not explicitly holding hands carried with them an air of contentment and affection. Others walked a little closer, talked a bit softer, shared secret smiles and moony looks.

Ulquiorra, with his perpetually sour expression and rigid posture, was likely to be mistaken for one of the unhappy singles. But he was blessed with a complete and total lack of caring for the opinions of people who had nothing to do with his life. His chief concern that day was the possibility of having upset his… girlfriend, the prior evening. It had been rude of him to act the way he had. He would have to apologize.

With that goal at the forefront of his mind, he was able to push away the other concerns that persisted in bothering him. If he wasn't careful, he'd end up sick again, and the woman did not need to worry about him when she had an important exam coming up.

The bakery wasn't far from the high school. Ulquiorra had only been there a few times before to bring the woman something she'd forgotten, or take home fresh bread. He walked in, ignoring the disapproving looks his facial markings earned him, and approached the counter. A balding man with an easygoing smile greeted him – the woman's boss. "Well if it isn't Cifer-san! We haven't seen you in a while. What can I do for you?"

Ulquiorra handed the man the receipt. "I was told to retrieve this."

He studied the receipt carefully. "Ah, yes! In that case, you need only to look behind you."

Confused, he didn't immediately do as he was instructed, but a light tap on his shoulder prompted him to turn around. There stood Orihime, holding a plate on which was situated a small chocolate cake. "Happy Valentine's Day!" she said, with a bashfulness that increased when her coworkers cooed at her. "I-I made it for you yesterday and hid it here, so you wouldn't suspect anything. Are you surprised?"

He _was _surprised. So surprised that he wasn't sure what to do or say. They'd drawn quite a bit of attention to themselves; he was being watched expectantly by employees and customers alike, who awaited his response. He took the plate from the woman, a familiar warmth spreading through his chest. "Thank you."

Orihime waved her hands, attempting to expel her nervous energy. "Don't thank me yet! You have to try it first. Let's sit down!"

They chose a table that was mercifully far from prying eyes. Orihime dropped into her chair with more than usual gusto. Ulquiorra slid into his, careful not to upset the balance of the delicate looking cake. Orihime gave him a spoon. "I hope you like it! There's nothing weird in it, unless you count a middle layer of strawberry frosting weird. But everyone says chocolate and strawberry go well together, and just because _I _think strawberries go better with peanut butter, doesn't mean _you _won't find it enjoyable."

Ulquiorra dipped the spoon into the cake, lifted it, then stopped. "I need to apologize for my behavior yesterday."

Orihime's smile faltered a bit. "What behavior?"

"In my distraction, I may have made you uncomfortable."

Her face colored in record time. "Oh! That!" She lowered her gaze, folded her hands in her lap, and wiggled from side to side. "You don't have to be sorry for that. It wasn't… I mean, what happened… I didn't stop you because I _didn't like_ it. Umm, it's that one thing that people… err, too much of a good thing can sometimes be a bad thing! Wait, that's not it either." She lowered her voice. "What I mean is that I wouldn't object to doing it again, as long as we take it… slower. Or else all the blood will rush to my head."

Ulquiorra tried harder than usual to subdue his pleasure. "Very well. I will do what I can to prevent that from happening."

All that was left was to try the cake, which smelled equally if not more delicious than the chocolates the woman had been making the day before. He sampled the first spoonful and, discovering it to be perfect in texture and taste, went for another. Orihime beamed and leaned forward, resting her chin on her upturned palms.

…

They took the long way home, hand-in-hand, passing Urahara's convenience store, where Jinta was still in heaven because Yuzu Kurosaki had given him chocolates. They saw Taro at the park with his girlfriend, sensed Ichigo and Rukia fighting off a hollow together, and even witnessed the librarian trio on a drunken anti-Valentines karaoke rampage.

When they were close enough to see the apartment building, Orihime asked, "When did you start liking me?"

Ulquiorra was silent for a long time. Then he stopped walking, prompting her to do the same. He guided her over to stand in front of him. "_It is human to make mistakes_," he said, and then added, "Your tongue was swollen."

Orihime remembered their exciting trip to the dentist's office, and realized they were standing in the exact spot where they'd had that conversation. Her eyes widened. "All the way back then?"

"It was not that long ago."

"Yes it was!" She looked distressed, thinking of all that had transpired since: she'd accidentally poisoned him, she'd broken down on him because she no longer loved Ichigo, Sora had visited, she'd had a brain injury… Orihime cried out in alarm. "That time that I told you about my dream and apologized because I didn't – "

"It is fine," Ulquiorra interrupted her, though she didn't appear reassured. "The heart will do as it pleases. Had you known how I felt, you could not have forced yourself to reciprocate those sentiments."

He was right, of course; it wouldn't have been genuine. Orihime's feelings for him had come on naturally, and she was grateful for that. Still, she couldn't help but suspect that he'd suffered a lot in the interim – she was no stranger to unrequited crushes. Had he also felt jealousy, self-consciousness, and longing?

They resumed their walk, the streetlamps lighting up as the sun's rays continued to diminish. Orihime gazed contemplatively at the twilight sky. "When did I start liking you?" she wondered aloud. He hadn't asked, but she assumed he was as curious about it as she was. "Hmm. The feelings were there before I noticed them – they were totally hiding from me. But if I had to pick a day when they were _really _trying to get my attention, it'd be… my birthday."

"I had a behavioral assessment." Ulquiorra frowned at the memory.

"Mmhmm," Orihime hopped over a puddle as they crossed the street. "You were gone almost all day, and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't be fully happy without you there. It was easy to write it off as missing you as a constant companion, but when you held my hand and wished me a happy birthday, I felt something that I couldn't rationalize away." She looked over in time to catch a rare smile on his face. "Does that make you happy?"

"Yes," he said without hesitation.

Orihime, wishing he could spare her some embarrassment by being less blunt, changed the subject. "It's warmer today, isn't it!" she cried, tugging at her coat. "Not gonna need this soon!"

Ulquiorra kept silent, content to listen to her chatter. It was hard to believe that he could feel the way he did, and still have an empty corner in his heart. But for the present moment, he was satisfied that beside him was a whole person, who knew what she wanted out of life and wasn't afraid to pursue it. The only thing he was sure about his future, was her presence in it.

**/TBC/**

**A/N: **What about Yuzu and Ururu's chocolates? They were eaten by their respective makers, as the girls sat together agreeing that love stinks and boys are stupid.


	67. Missing Person

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Bleach or any other copyrighted material

**Tell Yourself**

**By: Princess Kitty1**

**Missing Person**

"Once there was a student who failed every single one of his entrance exams." The apartment was filled with the sound of falling rain, which had thwarted Orihime's plans to go to Tatsuki's house that afternoon. They were supposed to be celebrating their freedom from tests, their impending graduation, and the coming of spring. Unfortunately, the coming of spring also meant the coming of thunderstorms. The weather had turned so sour so fast that they'd had no choice but to reschedule their fun.

But it wasn't all that bad; being cooped up in the house meant spending quality time with Ulquiorra, who had recently taken an interest in science fiction novels. Orihime had laughed when he'd asked if he could peruse the books in her personal collection. "_You don't like that sort of thing, do you_?" He'd replied, in a grave tone, that he wasn't sure.

"The student, filled with despair and humiliation, decided that his life was not worth living, and so headed out to the woods to off himself in private." Ulquiorra had been reading when the storm hit. He'd just started calculating how long it would take the woman to interrupt his reading with demands to be entertained, when she had interrupted his reading with demands to be entertained. And so they sat side by side on the living room floor, making up stories.

"But as the man walked, he heard the mournful cries of other students who had failed _their _entrance exams, and realized that he was not alone – that he was one in a sea of sorrow and test-fueled madness. And with that knowledge, he embraced the power of his terrible exam scores and underwent a magical girl style transformation sequence into _Ronin-ja!_ With his mighty study tools and it-could-be-worse speeches, he visited home after home, helping those like him get into good universities! Alas, he was also cursed to never get into a university himself, for he spent all of his free time assisting his fellows. The end!"

Lightning darted past the window curtains and infiltrated the apartment. Ulquiorra, who had been expecting as much from Orihime's imagination, blinked at the television. "Fascinating."

"The moral of the story is that sometimes you should put yourself before others!" Orihime explained. She nudged her arm with his. "Your turn."

Ulquiorra would have complained, if they hadn't decided that the best storyteller would get the last piece of beef next time they fried some. Besides that, he also had the woman all to himself for the first time since her exams had ended. "There once was a young man who fell in love with his classmate."

"Ah, a love story!" Orihime cried.

"Every day he would gaze upon her, longing for the courage to make his feelings known. Hidden from him was the knowledge that the young woman also held him in regard, and wished that he might someday reciprocate her love. As they wasted precious time that they could have spent together, the circus came to town. The woman was fond of such amusements, so the young man gathered up his strength, approached her, and asked if she would like to go with him. Delighted, the woman agreed."

Orihime jumped at a sudden crash of thunder. Ulquiorra held out his arm, and she latched onto it, pouting. "The excited couple ventured to the circus that weekend. They marveled at the captive wild animals, their deformed fellow humans, and the acrobatics of the performing athletes. As the day went on, the young man grew increasingly confident that the woman liked him to some degree, and decided that he would confess to her at the end of the day.

"At that moment, the woman noticed a house of mirrors. She thought it would be the perfect place to confess her own love, and so suggested it to her companion. Unopposed to seeing her beauty from every angle, the young man agreed. They entered the house of mirrors with racing hearts."

Orihime blushed, wondering if Ulquiorra had always been romantic, or if it had been a recent development. Still, she wished he'd use a little more emotion when telling such a story. His tone was completely detached.

"The young woman ran ahead, wanting to make sure that no one else would be around to hear her declaration of love. But here she became distracted by her reflection in the mirrors, for she found that each was different from the last. In one mirror she saw herself as a doctor, treating the wounds of a small child; in another she saw herself working in a garden, planting vegetables. She turned around and saw herself in scuba gear, at the head of a classroom, flying an airplane, stepping out of a limousine. The mirrors did not reflect her present self, but rather every possibility of her future self.

"Amazed, she ran back to her companion, who had lingered at the entrance by the first mirror. She urged him forward into the labyrinth, telling him of all that she had seen. But when they stopped, and she pointed at the nearest reflection, she discovered the space beside her future self empty. The young man had gone pale. He walked to the next mirror, and saw nothing. He turned around, and nothing, nothing, nothing. Everywhere he looked was the woman's bright and successful future, alone, without him."

Ulquiorra went silent. Orihime stared at him curiously. Then she gasped. "I know! He was a vampire, right? Vampires don't have reflections."

"I am not certain," Ulquiorra said. "That is where the dream ended."

It was a dream he'd had? Why would Ulquiorra be dreaming about vampires? Orihime tried to recall any scary movies they might have watched recently. But then, she had random dreams all the time, like the one where she'd been swept off to Oz and had to stop a war between –

Wait. Ulquiorra never talked about his dreams, and she knew he had them, because he sometimes made weird faces when he was napping. To bring it up now, it must have really bothered him… and for it have bothered him…

The rain was falling hard outside, beating against the roof of the building. "Ulquiorra-kun," Orihime said quietly, "are you worried about the future?"

How in the world was she able to sum up all of his fears in one neat little sentence? "Yes."

Orihime frowned. She wished he would look at her, but he seemed to have taken a special interest in the empty kitchen. The future was a broad subject. She needed to narrow it down. "Like… money-wise? I think if I get a part-time job while I'm at the university I'll be able to pay everything off." He shook his head. Her blush returned. "I-If it's about us, it's a little early to be getting pessimistic."

At that, she thought she saw the faintest hint of a smile, but it faded quickly. "I am certain that whatever you set out to do, you will succeed in it. However, I cannot say the same for myself."

Orihime put her chin on his shoulder. "Mmm… what does Ulquiorra-kun want to do?"

"I don't know."

She tilted her head. "There has to be something."

"_There is not_," Ulquiorra said, more forcefully than he meant to. He felt her recoil, but she returned just as fast, resting her forehead on his arm. "I have spent all of this time studying human behavior, discovering what it is to be human, even acting human to a certain extent. But I have neglected to become human."

"That's not true…"

"What is my reason for being? For what purpose have I come back to life?" Orihime tightened her grip on him. "Initially, all I wanted was to learn how to be human, and to do what I could for you, who gave me that opportunity. I thought that in doing so, I would be satisfied. But even after I have read and observed and experienced, and lived more than a year in this world, I continue to set myself apart from others. I've gained many things, but a human identity is not one of them."

They sat without speaking for a long time, the noise of the storm almost matching the mayhem in their minds. Orihime breathed in deeply, searching desperately for something to say that would make it okay, that would soothe the dissonance that Ulquiorra had expressed. She thought of him in a house of mirrors, surrounded by reflections of nothing where someone should have been. It made tears spring to her eyes. "Ulquiorra-kun," she whispered, struggling to put the right words in order, "It may not feel like it, but what you're experiencing now is an important part of being human." Thunder made the windows rattle. "Nobody's born knowing exactly what they're destined for. When I was five, I wanted to be a racecar driver. Now I'm eighteen and no closer to my driver's license than I was back then."

"You have found something else to pursue."

"Uh-huh, but I've been given more than a decade to weigh my options. Like you said, you've been here a year." She lifted her head, and turned his to look at her. "You know what? Not having figured out your human identity makes you more human than many things."

Ulquiorra placed his hand over hers, wishing he had the words to describe the relief he felt. Here he'd been, worrying himself sick over not knowing everything, and all it took to soothe him was the woman telling him that he didn't _have _to know everything. Confusion, doubt, introspection… it was as human as human could get.

Perhaps the answers wouldn't come right away. Maybe it would take years for him to explore every corner of his heart, but at least it gave him something to look forward to. And he could tell by the woman's smile that she was also eager to see what kind of person he'd become.

By the time the thunderstorm rolled off into the distance, Ulquiorra had won the storytelling competition with a tragic account of a monster that made Orihime cry.

**/TBC/**


	68. Proposal

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Bleach or any other copyrighted material.

**Tell Yourself**

**By: Princess Kitty1**

**Proposal**

With the arrival of spring, local third-year high school students were down to their last few weeks of childhood education, and their mixed excitement and anxiety could be felt in the cherry blossom petal-choked air. Ulquiorra caught pieces of conversation from the uniformed teenagers that wandered into Urahara's store after class. Underclassmen girls were mourning the approaching loss of their attractive senpai, longtime childhood friends made vows to visit frequently after their separations, and lovers snuck longing glances at each other's profiles. None of this was new to Ulquiorra; the woman had been spending extra time with her friends lately, which was fine with him as long as he wasn't expected to go with her.

The afternoon was a cool one, the kind of cool that kept Ururu and Jinta out of doors, competing to see who could sweep up the most cherry blossoms. Normally Ulquiorra would have preferred this, but it left him in charge of the register when there were still things to be done in the warehouse. Thus, when no customer had appeared for five minutes, he left his post to finish taking inventory of the unlabeled boxes Urahara had ushered in overnight.

Where these boxes came from, what was in them, and where they disappeared to was one of the unsolved mysteries of Ulquiorra's employment. At first, he hadn't cared – his job was to make sure none of them went missing, not to question their contents and destinations. But he could not deny that his curiosity had grown over time… especially after the day that half the cargo had smelled of perfume, while the other half had smelled of grape jelly.

"Oi, Cifer-san! Where are you going?" Urahara drawled from his office as Ulquiorra walked past. He'd been playing a video game with the cat woman, who was half-dressed and guzzling sake like there was cause to celebrate. Ulquiorra would have answered, had Urahara not sprung towards him, casually draped an arm over his shoulder, and started toting him in the direction of the warehouse. "Never mind, it's not important. Ulquiorra-san – may I call you Ulquiorra-san?"

"No."

"But I thought we were friends!"

Ulquiorra stared at Kisuke's arm as if he could think of several places in the apartment he could hang it as a trophy. Hint taken, Urahara removed his arm from Ulquiorra's shoulders and motioned for him to enter the warehouse ahead of him. "Cifer-san, then," he began, stepping in behind Ulquiorra and closing the door with two taps of his cane. His smile changed from one that promised buffoonery to one that was subtly sly. "You know that you're my best employee, right?"

"You have told me so many times," Ulquiorra said. The man practically went to pieces if he even suspected him of finding somewhere else to work.

Kisuke went around knocking on boxes until he found one solid enough for sitting. He eased himself down as if he weren't in top physical condition, and rested both hands and chin on the top of his cane. "And yet, you don't know much about the work you do. Which isn't your fault, by the way. I have a terrible habit of keeping secrets."

"I am aware."

Urahara grinned. "The candy store is more of a hobby than a profitable business. Yoruichi-san and I are both fond of junk food, and it's nice to have a place we can call home. But around eighty percent of my income – which helps to keep this shop afloat, because let's be honest, it doesn't make _that_ much money – comes from," he tapped on the box beneath him, "these."

Ulquiorra eyed the closed warehouse door suspiciously. "Are you distributing weapons?"

It was a serious question, but Kisuke couldn't help laughing. He subdued his amusement quickly, knowing that the last thing he wanted to do was insult someone he needed a favor from. "You've been watching a lot of television with Inoue-san, haven't you?" He leaned back comfortably. "No, these aren't weapons, or drugs. Don't be so quick to write me off as a criminal. Here," he produced a box cutter from his sleeve and tossed it at Ulquiorra, "see for yourself. From that stack over there; this is their final destination."

Ulquiorra hesitated. He still wasn't used to human excitement, and he didn't want to seem too eager and rip the box open like his life depended on it. So he cut the tape leisurely, pulled up the flaps, moved some foam packing peanuts aside and found…

Chappy the Bunny stuffed animals.

Urahara had moved to stand beside him, and was smiling behind his fan. Ulquiorra glared at the contents of the box, which were neither bizarre nor novel. They'd been selling Chappy the Bunny merchandise for as long as he'd been working there. The convenience store a few blocks over sold Chappy the Bunny merchandise. There was a Chappy the Bunny cartoon airing on television – it was a countrywide phenomenon as big as the white cat with no mouth. "I do not understand," Ulquiorra said.

Urahara giggled like he'd gotten the exact reaction he was hoping for. "Who invented Chappy and Friends?"

"_Gikon_," Ulquiorra said, recalling the company name on the tag sticking out of the rabbit's backside. He frowned. "Are those not the artificial souls used to temporarily inhabit a gigai?"

"Mmhmm."

The tension eased from his brow as comprehension dawned. "Chappy the Bunny originated from Soul Society."

"Precisely!" Urahara cried, snapping his fan shut. "In fact, the creator of those artificial souls was my predecessor. Due to her current occupation, she's difficult to get in contact with, but when I happened to talk to her last, I told her she could make a very lucrative business out of her invention. The characters, I mean. If they were wildly popular with the shinigami, imagine how many humans she could sell them to!" He didn't even try to hide how proud of himself he was. "And that's how _Gikon Worldwide_ came to be! We promote, manufacture, and distribute all Chappy and Friends merchandise from local Japan to faraway England!"

Ulquiorra placed the box cutter aside. "Is there a reason why you are keeping this secret?"

"Well, Soul Society doesn't exactly approve of _Gikon Worldwide_…"

"Then you are a criminal after all."

Urahara shrugged. "What are they going to do, execute me for running a legitimate business in the human world that _they _exiled me to?" He pointed his cane at Ulquiorra. "Now then, you're probably wondering what all of this has to do with you!"

Ulquiorra's scowl returned. "I do not intend to engage in illegal activity."

"And I don't intend to make you. I know you wouldn't want to put your situation with Inoue-san at risk. Listen to my proposal," Kisuke lowered the cane. "Every few years, I go on a trip to check on the other branches of my business. Now, since I don't get out much, I have a tendency to ignore my itinerary and wander. See the sights. Experience the human world! It also helps me sneak up on my other employees, so I can fire anyone who isn't doing their absolute best when I arrive." Ulquiorra wondered why he hadn't fired Jinta yet. "Normally I take Yoruichi-san with me for obvious reasons, but this time around, I would like to extend the invitation to you. No work involved – you'll simply be along for the ride. Think of it as a paid vacation."

"That is abnormally generous of you." He wasn't about to let go of his suspicions so easily.

"Employers do generous things to reward hard work all the time."

"There is a catch," Ulquiorra insisted.

"No catch, Cifer-san. All you have to do is say yes. And let Inoue-san know, of course. It would be rude to disappear without telling your romantic partner." Urahara walked to the warehouse door and cheerfully swung it open. "Any more questions before I let you get back to work?"

Plenty: Did his predecessor know he was making money off of her idea, and if so, was she receiving a cut of the profit? If Soul Society didn't approve of what he was doing, how had he managed to establish a global company without being shut down by them? Where was all the money made by the company kept? How long did he expect this trip to take? Ulquiorra had enough material for a lengthy interrogation, but in the end, all he could ask was, "Why me?"

He often called Kisuke Urahara an idiot because the man was fond of acting like one, but Ulquiorra was not ignorant of his intelligence. The eyes that peered at him from beneath the brim of that ridiculous hat were warmed by sympathy. "You remind me of some people I know," was his reply, and Ulquiorra remembered that he wasn't the first non-human to try finding his way in the human world.

**/TBC/**

**A/N: **I wrote this chapter weeks ago, and couldn't post it. I'd planned for something else to come before it. But when I tried to write _that _chapter, I was unable to. My mind simply refuses to work on this fic anymore. This pains me because it's almost done. I hate to leave stories unfinished. But if I tried to just write out five chapters that would sum up the ending in the most hurried and blunt way possible, it would interrupt the flow of the story, and I am also cursed with perfectionism. I could blame my arms for this (they are still in pain after cortisone injections in both palms, and my next appointment isn't until mid-June), but the real problem is a lack of inspiration. I feel like there's a wall between me and this story, and unless Kubo does something to help, that wall will remain.

TL;DR: **Tell Yourself is on indefinite hiatus**, and I can't promise that I will ever be able to finish it. If this should be the last update, thanks for putting up with me for four years. I'm sorry that I couldn't do better.


	69. Not Negotiation

**A/N: The inspiration is here! **I don't know how long it's going to last!

Flashback time! The case of _Inoue and Cifer vs Central 46_, presented in all of its… err, glory?

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Bleach or any other copyrighted material.

**Tell Yourself**

**By: Princess Kitty1**

**Not Negotiation**

Orihime Inoue was a good girl. She flossed her teeth every night, and brushed twice daily. She gave some of the leftover bread she brought home from work to Karakura's homeless. She felt terrible about crossing the street before the signal changed (but it was sometimes necessary in the case of hollow-related emergencies). School mattered to her, and she did her best to stay at the top of her class so universities would look at her favorably.

Breaking into Soul Society had been a one-time-only thing, and it had been for a good cause. She was prepared to fight whatever government would arrest and try her – as prepared as any fifteen-year-old girl could have been, anyway. But in a morbidly fortunate turn of events, the members of Central 46 had been too dead to convict her of criminal activity, and the man parading himself as Central 46 was busy committing criminal acts of his own.

That had been then. Such pleasant memories, she'd mused as she was led through Seireitei by a host of nervous-looking shinigami. She wished they would lighten up, if not for her sake, then for their own. How could anyone live life to the fullest when they were so stiff? She'd heard from Rangiku that this place had gotten a bit of a face-lift after the successful rescue mission of Rukia Kuchiki, but she supposed she'd have to be a resident to tell the difference.

Orihime shook her head. She couldn't worry about the people around her. They weren't the ones on trial. They weren't the ones who'd been caught with their hands in the proverbial cookie jar, whose very existences warranted punishment, or worse, execution.

She had gotten away with murder – or the stopping of a murder – once, but now she would have to attempt it a second time, by herself, and the prejudiced court was alive and well.

…

It was strange for Central 46 to be handling a case that involved a human. Their job was to preside over the shinigami, beings that were powerful and noteworthy enough to actually _cause _trouble. But after the embarrassment their institution had suffered at the hands of Ichigo Kurosaki and his human friends, they'd learned not to take this particular bunch lightly. If this teenage girl thought that she could harbor a dangerous hollow in her home without repercussion, she was sadly mistaken.

The dangerous hollow in question had been detained the previous day. It had come quietly, though it seemed far from pleased, and had turned over its weapon with nothing more than an expression of loathing. When interrogated, its answers had confirmed everything deduced by their initial investigation: it called itself Ulquiorra Cifer, it had once been a part of Sousuke Aizen's arrancar army, and it had died in battle against Ichigo Kurosaki. How it had come back to life, as itself, without going to Soul Society or being reincarnated into an entirely new human, it did not know.

There was only one person present during those events that Soul Society knew had the ability to bring someone back from the dead.

Orihime Inoue, age 17, resident of Karakura Town. Her older brother, Sora Inoue, was deceased, and lived in Rukongai. Orihime worked part-time at a bakery and attended the local high school, where she was at the top of her class. She affiliated with Ichigo Kurosaki and Rukia Kuchiki, a Quincy named Uryuu Ishida, and another empowered human named Sado Yasutora. Together with that bunch, she had infiltrated Soul Society and caused trouble in Hueco Mundo – a potential 'defection' that, considering her newest crime, might not have been a kidnapping at all.

According to the report written by Retsu Unohana, the relationship between Orihime Inoue and Ulquiorra Cifer was one of prisoner and captor. They had met once prior to her so-called kidnapping, and various shinigami testified that it had been a hostile encounter that had resulted in injury to the human girl. She had spent an unspecified amount of time with Cifer while held in Las Noches, and their interactions had never lasted long. She'd been verbally reprimanded, coerced into submission, and had at one point attacked the arrancar when it had, to quote Inoue herself, "crossed the line." There was no physical or sexual assault; on the contrary, it seemed that Cifer had been posted to keep the other arrancar from harming the human girl.

The report concluded with a statement from Inoue that she had never considered Cifer her enemy, and bore no ill will towards the hollow, though she did not condone its actions.

All of this Central 46 considered as they waited for the girl to be brought in for judgment.

…

There was no question in Ulquiorra's mind that he was about to die, again.

What surprised him was how much this fact bothered him. It was not that long ago that he'd considered entering into a state of nothingness the happiest thing a soul could ever do. But now that he'd experienced otherwise, he was plagued by the sense that he was going to be robbed of something precious.

In short, though he knew that he was going to die, he would have preferred not to.

A lot had happened in the past week. He'd become human somehow, had found his way to Orihime Inoue and had taken up residence with her, had been forced to try several different types of toothpaste, had eaten unidentifiable substances, had been spellbound for hours by the television (where humans acted even crazier than his new roommate), and finally had been arrested by Soul Society and brought to a holding cell where he'd stay until Central 46 announced the date of his execution. It was enough to bring weaker men to tears.

But even though he hadn't quite gotten full control of his emotions, Ulquiorra did not plan to break down and cry in front of shinigami that he could have gored with his eyes shut. He'd sacrificed enough dignity when he'd submitted to their rules.

When they called for him to be brought before the court, he put on his most impassive face and followed the guards up a long flight of stairs. From what he'd been told by the chatty Gin Ichimaru back in Hueco Mundo, Central 46 was as inflexible as steel, meaning that the only way to get them to change their minds was by setting them on fire. Ichimaru had then doubled over in a gale of laughter, leaving Ulquiorra to wonder what was so funny. Now that he understood the joke, it still didn't make him feel like laughing.

And when he entered the court, and none other than Orihime Inoue turned to look at him, pale and trembling slightly, he wanted to go back in time and rip Ichimaru's tongue out.

…

"Orihime Inoue," began a voice from somewhere above. Honestly, the fact that they were all hidden behind boards struck her as silly. If the circumstances hadn't been so dire, she would have burst into a fit of giggles. "You have been charged with harboring a dangerous criminal, and you are unrepentantly guilty. Is that correct?"

"Yes… sir?"

"Would you care to explain what the hell you were thinking?"

Cries went up protesting the use of such coarse language on a young lady, felon or not. Orihime glanced at Ulquiorra. He appeared just as interested in her explanation as the judges were, though he wouldn't hold her gaze for long. "I was thinking… that Ulquiorra is not a dangerous criminal."

This created a fresh outburst from the crowd, and it wasn't long before someone raised their voice above the din. "_Not a dangerous criminal_? He has admitted to working under Sousuke Aizen, the man who killed the previous court, betrayed his fellow shinigami, took up illegal residence in Hueco Mundo, attempted to _destroy your hometown and everyone you love_, and would have breached the Royal Realm if he hadn't been stopped! And you say that this _creature _is not a dangerous criminal?"

"Those crimes weren't committed by Ulquiorra," Orihime shot back, pointing out that they'd just accused Aizen, not him.

"But he did kill Ichigo Kurosaki."

The little confidence that she'd started building was immediately snubbed out. She could not respond. Yes, it was true that Ulquiorra had done it, and as much as she wanted to pretend that everything was fine because Kurosaki-kun was alive and Aizen was incarcerated, it wasn't. No amount of reasoning would ever make what Ulquiorra had done alright. But hadn't he already been punished for that?

Orihime's head snapped up. Swallowing past the knot in her throat, she stepped forward, raised her voice and shouted, "The Ulquiorra Cifer that you're trying to condemn is dead!"

The surrounding murmur abruptly stopped. Though she could not see them, she had no doubt that everyone in that room was staring at her. "The Espada who served Aizen is dead," she continued, lowering her voice now that she had their attention. "He faded into dust right before my eyes."

"What are you talking about? He's right there."

"No," she shook her head, and managed a tremulous smile. "This Ulquiorra is human. He has a heart, and a conscience, just the same as all of you. And I believe that if you were to let him live, he wouldn't endanger anyone."

The murmuring began anew. She wasn't sure, but she thought she could hear 'mentally unfit' and 'naïve' being passed around by the hidden audience. Still, it was a while before anyone spoke next, and the voice came from an older-sounding man. "Orihime Inoue," he said, "how much would you be willing to bet on that belief?"

Chairs creaked. Someone coughed. The tension in the room felt like a humid summer day. Orihime took a few steps to put herself directly between Ulquiorra and Central 46, and faced them with conviction. "My life," she declared. "I would bet my life."

All it took was one vote to postpone Ulquiorra Cifer's execution. "Then so be it."

…

The rules were drawn up accordingly: He would not be allowed to return to Hueco Mundo. He could not step foot outside of Karakura Town without an escort. He was to undergo behavioral assessments at random, in Soul Society, led by Captain Unohana. If no shinigami were available, he would assist in the extermination of hollows. Any spikes in his reiatsu would be investigated. And should he disobey the aforementioned rules, Soul Society's laws, or be deemed an active threat by Captain Unohana, both he and Orihime Inoue would be executed.

It was the most scandalous piece of news to hit Soul Society in months: a human girl had placed her head on the chopping block and given the rope to an arrancar. She must have been crazy. Even the shinigami that knew her began to suspect that she'd left some of her brains in Hueco Mundo.

But not Ulquiorra. Though he would soon bear witness to her eccentric behavior, her silliness; her vivacious, colorful personality, he would never forget that the woman with the childishly optimistic view of the world had a heart that burned hot enough to bend steel.

And he would never, _ever _be worthy of her friendship.

**/TBC/**


	70. UFO Catcher

**A/N: **Yesterday my doctor told me that I have half the average arm strength a woman my age should have! It's not normal! More tests must be done! But here I am, continuing this fic on a computer that barely works (that's a long story), because the feels are driving me bonkers.

**Warning: **As this story draws to a close, we will gradually be seeing the last of some characters. I'm going to cry like a baby, but you don't have to.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Bleach or any other copyrighted material.

**Tell Yourself**

**By: Princess Kitty1**

**UFO Catcher**

Orihime was parting with her stuffed animal collection. It was an impressive one, built up steadily throughout the years until a small army of bears, smartly dressed alpacas, and video game characters had been amassed in her bedroom. But with high school ending in a few weeks and university around the corner, she was increasingly thinking about how much it would cost to transport all of her belongings to a new apartment.

When she'd asked Ulquiorra what he thought, he'd asked in turn if she wanted him to get her an estimate from local moving companies. No questions about why she would leave a perfectly good apartment. No offer to look into two-bedroom properties close to the university. No tentative, "Are we still going to be living together, or…?" Maybe it hadn't occurred to him yet. She was kind of disappointed.

With Uryuu's help, as technology still made her want to cry, Orihime set up an account on an online sales website and began posting her limited edition stuffed animals – her education wasn't going to pay for itself, after all. There was a huge market for them overseas, in countries where the prizes in UFO catchers weren't nearly as cute as the ones in Japan. What she couldn't sell, she donated to friends, neighbors, orphanages, and children's hospitals.

Ulquiorra observed the dwindling collection one afternoon and noted that the woman had yet to sell a single rabbit. "I'm keeping those," she said, picking one up and rubbing dust off of its nose. "Usagi-tan is my favorite! Sora-nii used to get them for me on his way home from work. He'd spend a lot of money trying to win the really valuable ones, and then we'd have to go without vegetables for a while…" She sighed happily, though Ulquiorra could find nothing pleasurable about poverty. "Anyway, they just came out with a super limited edition space alien one! The rabbit has a crescent moon and star on the back of its head, and it's holding a little UFO! Doesn't that sound adorable? I haven't seen it anywhere yet!"

Ulquiorra did not think it sounded adorable at all, but it was important to her, and that made it worth his attention.

…

When he set out the next day with another armful of boxed plushies destined for America, he was stopped on the stairs by Taro, who had been sent home from school with a fever. The boy's face was flushed, and when he spoke, he sounded downright miserable. "Where are you going with all that stuff, Ulquiorra-nii?"

"The post office," Ulquiorra replied, shifting the boxes to his other arm. "You are not well."

Taro shook his head. "I have to sleep it off before it becomes a cold. Entrance exams, heh. It'll be worth it when I get into a good middle school and make granny proud, though," he said with a smile that made Ulquiorra question the real significance of human education. "Would you tell Orihime-nee to come see me later?"

"I will make no promises." It was the closest Ulquiorra would get to a yes, and Taro knew it. As they passed each other on the stairs, he hesitated, and turned around.

"Ulquiorra-nii," he called out, "you and Orihime-nee aren't leaving, are you?"

From his position on the step above Ulquiorra, he was exactly eye level with him. The pipsqueak had grown, and would probably surpass him in height by the time he was a proper teenager. But regardless of height, he was still a child; the same cunning brat who had declared himself Ulquiorra's rival on a similar spring day. "If I say yes, will you start crying?"

"No!" Taro snapped, grimacing at the loudness of his own voice.

"That is too bad," Ulquiorra said. Then he did something that the boy almost dismissed as a fever-induced hallucination: he stretched his arm and placed his hand on Taro's head. "Take care of yourself."

It was a brief gesture, and an awkward one at that. Then Ulquiorra continued down the steps as if he'd done nothing, but Taro lingered. It was the first time, and probably the last time, he thought, that the half-human being had ever willingly reached out to him. He pondered this a moment longer, then cupped his hands around his mouth and shouted down with a broad grin, "Whatever, you stupid alien! I don't need your pity!"

…

The parcels were dropped off, paid for, and sent on their way. Ulquiorra left the post office, but he decided not to head home immediately. Though he would not admit it to anyone, he often found himself bored when he wasn't making sure Urahara's slave children didn't destroy the store in the man's absence. Unfortunately, it was a busy season. He needed the days off to help the woman do what she couldn't between school and work, and in his solitude he could allow his mind to wander undisturbed.

His feet carried him through Karakura Town's small shopping district. No one really stared at him like they used to; he was simply "the guy with the face tattoos," and hanging out with the woman had helped his credibility. He slowed his pace as he approached an arcade. Outside of the building, a few feet from the door, was one of those UFO captures the woman got her stuffed animals from. This one cost a hundred yen to play. How did she manage to spend half the money in her wallet when it was only a hundred yen? It didn't look that difficult.

Ulquiorra stopped walking altogether when he saw that the machine contained the plush rabbits that the woman liked so much. He recognized all of them as already belonging to her collection. But when he started to turn away, his sharp eyes caught a glimpse of an anomaly in the rabbit herd: a crescent moon on the back of the head of one of the half buried dolls. Was it possible? He looked closer. Sure enough, a hint of a star was blocked from view by a rabbit dressed like a milkmaid. It was the limited edition.

Ulquiorra checked his cell phone. There was plenty of time before the woman came home; he could spare a few minutes and yen to get the doll out of the machine. He took a hundred yen from his wallet and put it into the slot. The claw came to life with a flash of bright lights and an obnoxious jingle of music.

All he had to do was move the milkmaid, the pop star, the Lolita, the volleyball player, and the school girl rabbits out of the way. Simple. He directed the claw over to the school girl and let it drop. The two-pronged instrument opened, landed on the rabbit, closed its pinchers, began to ascend… and the doll slipped right out of its grip, plopping down onto the limited edition and further obscuring it from view.

Ulquiorra stared in disbelief. Was the machine defective? The doll had been captured. He'd _had _it.

No matter, he would just try again. Surely the stupid toy would not resist a second time. He fed the machine another hundred yen and aimed the claw at the school girl rabbit, feeling triumphant when it closed securely over the doll's midsection. It began to rise, but this time, the grip was so weak that it didn't even lift the rabbit from the pile. The claw opened over the chute, dropping nothing but air.

Now Ulquiorra was certain that the machine was broken. He would make a formal complaint later. However, broken or not, there had to be a way to get the dolls, and he wasn't going to leave until he figured it out.

…

"Haru-chan, come here!"

The little girl, noticing that her elementary classmates were flocking towards the arcade, postponed her journey. "What is it?" she asked the boy who had addressed her.

"Don't just stand there! Some mister's giving away free Usagi-tan dolls! Hurry up!"

"Eh?"

There _was_ a very frightening mister with bright lines on his cheeks standing at the UFO catcher, staring at it like it was the source of all the world's misery. A pack of kids had surrounded him, each one shouting different instructions. "Nii-san, you have to move that one out of the way first!" "Go for Donut Usagi-tan!" "Shut up, he's trying to concentrate!" "Nii-san, can I have Kyary Usagi-tan?"

Haru, who had been taught by her mother that people with tattoos should be left alone, kept her distance from the mayhem. "That's okay. I'm going home," she said to her classmate, but went ignored as Donut Usagi-tan dropped into the chute and the children cheered.

…

Orihime found the apartment empty. She'd sent Ulquiorra an email before she'd left school, stating that she was on her way, but he hadn't answered. Concerned, she dropped her bag on the couch and checked to see if he'd left a note. No sign of his neat handwriting anywhere, except on the list of things they had run out of and needed to buy at the store. "That's strange," she muttered, walking back to retrieve her phone from her bag. Still no messages. She went to her contacts and was about to call him when she heard the front door unlock.

"There you are!" Her relief restored her cheerfulness when she saw Ulquiorra step in. He was moving slower than usual, and his shoulders were uncharacteristically slumped. "Welcome… home?"

He made a noise, removed his shoes, and put on house slippers. Orihime, puzzled, kept an eye on him as he shuffled towards her, looking like he hadn't slept in a week. Without so much as an explanation, he took her hand and pushed something into it. She lowered her head and screamed in delight. "It's UFOsagi-tan!"

"Indeed," Ulquiorra said faintly, collapsing onto the sofa and staring lifelessly at the television.

If he never saw another Usagi-tan for as long as he lived, it would be too soon.

**/TBC/**

**A/N: **Goodbye Taro-kun! It was a pleasure to write you, and I hope everyone has had fun reading about you!


	71. White Day

**Warning: **This is the new longest chapter of Tell Yourself, for no other reason than I got totally carried away. Enjoy!

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Bleach or any other copyrighted material.

**Tell Yourself**

**By: Princess Kitty1**

**White Day**

_Karakura Town, March 14__th__, 0732_.

A bloodcurdling scream struck terror into the hearts of the sleepy suburb's citizens. Either someone was being murdered, or they were all hearing the cries of tortured spirits as dawn forced them back to the netherworld.

But the cause behind the scream was far less gruesome and not quite as supernatural as that. It originated from the Inoue-Cifer residence, and had issued forth from the mouth of local high school girl and part-time supernatural crime fighter Orihime Inoue. She had a history of being eccentric, but no one could say that she made a habit of shrieking first thing in the morning. The sound brought her flower hairpins to life, and six alarmed sprites burst from the glossy petals, rushing to the side of their mistress. She'd fallen onto the floor of her kitchen, shaking, her skin bloodless, and she was babbling in a hysterical voice.

"I opened it… I wasn't even fully awake… I didn't notice… put my hand in… groped around… for the milk and… and…" She trailed off, unable to further articulate her horror, and pointed straight ahead of her. The sprites followed her finger. The males gasped. Ayame swooned and fell onto the kitchen counter.

The refrigerator was empty.

It was not empty in the sense that it lacked immediately edible things like eggs and leftovers, while still containing condiments, vegetables, and uncooked meats. Something, or someone, had extracted every last food item from the cold white shelves. The drawers were vacant. Even the ice trays in the freezer were missing. Orihime blinked rapidly, hoping it was just a nightmare. She would wake up soon, right? She'd squeeze her eyes shut and open them again and the food would be back, _right_?

From her bedroom, her phone began to ring. Lily flew off and shortly brought it into the kitchen, using it to tap Orihime's shoulder. "Unknown number," she announced, then went to help revive the fainted Ayame.

Orihime, her gaze still glued to the empty refrigerator, flipped open her phone and lifted it to her ear. "Hello?" A crackle of static. "H-Hello?"

"_Good morning, Captain Inoue_."

The horror drained from her body, forced out by an unspeakable rage. Her fist tightened until her knuckles were as white as the refrigerator. She knew that voice. To think that _he_ would return at a time like this. "Captain Cifer," she replied venomously.

"_By now I trust that you have discovered the gift I left for you_."

"You've gone too far. We went grocery shopping three days ago!"

"_That is no concern of mine. What matters to me is that you and your men die before sundown._" His tone was a leisurely one; he was enjoying this, the sadistic jerk. "_Come after me if you'd like, but who is to say how much progress you'll be able to make on an empty stomach_? _Debilitating hunger pains have always been a weakness of yours_."

"Where's the food?" Orihime demanded, in no mood for his mind games.

"_If I told you that, it wouldn't be much of a challenge, would it?_" She could have screamed again. "_However, considering our history… I might be able to spare a hint. You'll find it at the Karakura River, if you can make it that far_." And with that, the line went dead.

Orihime snapped her phone shut, stood from the floor on shaking legs, and faced her army. "Pull yourselves together, men!" she barked at them. "A declaration of war has been made. It seems that our oldest and most fearsome enemy has yet to grow tired of making us squirm."

"You mean that bastard Ulquiorra did this?" Tsubaki snapped. "Why don't you just go to the convenient store down the street and buy a pastry or something?"

Orihime's anger was replaced by a comical frown. "Because that's cheating!" And then her brows drew together again, and she began to pace. "Where could he be hiding it? Cruel though he is, I don't think he'd let perfectly good food go to waste. If I were James Bond, where would I look…?"

"She's having fun, isn't she?" Hinagiku muttered.

"Yup," Shun'o replied with a smile.

…

_Urahara Shoten, 0745._

"So let me get this straight." Jinta, who did not like getting up in the morning to go to work but knew better than to upset his boss, was part of a generation of children growing up in a sex-saturated society. As such, he had a certain expectation of what should be going down in adult relationships, none of which included what his hollow-ish coworker was suggesting he'd done. "It's White Day. Your girlfriend baked you a chocolate cake for Valentine's Day. And to thank her for the chocolate cake, rather than buying her flowers – or, I dunno, _banging _her – you stole all the food from her refrigerator to send her on some wild goose chase around Karakura Town?"

Ulquiorra, who was serenely putting the last of the stolen food items into Urahara's refrigerator, gave Jinta a look. "Why would I buy her flowers?"

"Gee, I have no idea. Maybe because girls _like _flowers!" Jinta cried.

"I don't like flowers," said Yoruichi, who sat nearby, drinking milk out of a bowl. "Wouldn't object to a good banging, though…"

Ururu's cheeks flamed at the brazen declaration. "I-I think it's sweet." Jinta and Yoruichi stared at her, surprised that she would join in willingly. "Rather than buying Inoue-san something that would fade away after a few days, Cifer-san decided to repay the chocolate cake with an experience that Inoue-san will never forget."

Jinta wasn't satisfied. Yoruichi made an appreciate noise before downing most of her milk. "And here I thought you were incapable of being romantic."

Ulquiorra closed the refrigerator door. "Showing gratitude is not romantic."

"Of course it isn't. My mistake."

Urahara stuck his head into the office, grinning behind his fan. "Excuse me! If you're all done lounging around, get to work please. Except for Yoruichi-san. I need your help making sure the underground training room is ready for this evening."

Yoruichi winked at him over her bowl of milk.

"And here are those things you asked for, Cifer-san." Urahara disappeared from view for a second, then stepped into the room carrying two enormous semiautomatic rifles. He handed them off to Ulquiorra, who began to inspect them for quality, ignoring the wide-eyed stares of the children and the cat woman. "You didn't specify which ones you wanted, so I grabbed the most expensive models they offered."

"I assume this is coming out of my paycheck."

"You assume correctly."

…

_Kurosaki Clinic, 0815._

It was a beautiful, abnormally peaceful Sunday morning. On an average day in the Kurosaki household, someone would have been punched, flying-pressed, or drop-kicked by now. But White Day found Isshin Kurosaki and his twin daughters away from town; Karin had led her team to nationals, and that weekend they were playing against a school from Sapporo.

Rukia Kuchiki, with her chin propped on her arms, stared out of the window above Ichigo's bed, missing the chaos. She let out a heavy sigh, eyes wandering until she spotted a familiar figure zigzagging on the sidewalk across the street. "Isn't that Orihime?" she mused to herself.

"Oi," came a voice from behind her.

"Ah?"

"Would you _cover up_?" A pillow smacked Rukia on the head and she withdrew from the window, glaring at Ichigo with her hands on her bare hips. He'd slung an arm across his eyes, but she could still see the red coloring his cheeks.

"Would _you _stop acting so innocent?" she shot back.

"I'll show you innocent," Ichigo grumbled passive-aggressively, though he made no move to get out of bed. He bolted upright a moment later when Rukia, having turned back to the window, yelled in alarm.

"She collapsed!"

"Who collapsed?" he demanded, then picked up another pillow and launched it at the fleeing Ruikia. "_Will you please put on some damn clothes_?"

…

_Kurosaki Clinic, 0837._

Orihime bowed repeatedly to Rukia, who had hastily dressed in a pair of pajamas before running out into the street, and now sat across the table from her. "I'm so sorry. I didn't realize how hungry I was," she said, guiltily taking another bite of the bread that had been offered her. She hadn't been there in a long time; the poster of the late Masaki Kurosaki in a field of flowers had changed to one of the woman standing triumphantly with her three children crawling around her feet. The Kurosaki-kun in that picture was pretending to be an animal and growling at his toddler sisters. The Kurosaki-kun that came down the stairs, scratching his stomach beneath his t-shirt, gave Orihime a concerned frown.

"You okay?" he asked, dropping onto the cushion beside Rukia.

"Yes, I'm fine." Orihime swallowed the bite so that she wouldn't be talking around a mouthful of food. "I only fainted because I was hungry. Thanks for the bread."

If there was one thing that Ichigo and Rukia knew about Orihime, it was that she never left the house without food. She had an extremely fast metabolism and couldn't go very long without eating. "Didn't you have breakfast?" Rukia asked, catching onto Ichigo's thoughts in that odd way that couples did. Orihime lifted her gaze skyward, smiled, scratched her chin, then proceeded to flail around like an octopus.

"Anyway, I should get going! I don't want to interrupt your White Day plans!" She bowed again, nearly hitting her forehead on the table. "I'm in your debt!" Then she scrambled to her feet and hurried to the front door. "See you at school!"

Ichigo and Rukia were left staring in her wake, wondering what the hell had just happened. Soon, however, their thoughts turned to the fact that they had the house to themselves for another few hours. "Breakfast sounds nice," Rukia said at length, then looked at Ichigo. "Make me breakfast."

…

_Karakura River, 1222._

Orihime's stomach was rumbling again. She put her hand over her abdomen and willed it to be quiet as she carefully made her way along the side of the river in search of Ulquiorra's clue. This place brought back fond memories. Its glittering water, its pebbly shore, the smell of water teeming with life was all achingly familiar. How many summers had she and Tatsuki spent there catching dragonflies and talking about the cute boys in their class? How many hand clapping games had they played, popsicles had they eaten, silly friendship pacts had they made?

"Oi! Orihime!" Speak of the devil.

Tatsuki stood at a distance beneath a pedestrian bridge. She waved both arms above her head, flagging Orihime down. "Tatsuki-chan!" Orihime used part of her carefully rationed energy to jog over to her best friend, grateful for the shade from the bright sun. "What are you doing here?"

Tatsuki shrugged. "You know, hanging out, getting some fresh air. Wondering what kind of weird game you and Cifer are playing for White Day."

"Eh?"

"Yeah, he knocked on my window last night at like… one in the morning, scared the shit out of me, then paid me five thousand yen to do this." She withdrew a pistol from the inside of her windbreaker, aimed it at Orihime's gut, and pulled the trigger. A foam dart bounced harmlessly off of Orihime's belly. "Sorry."

It took Orihime a moment to register what had just transpired. Then she clutched at her side, pitched forward dramatically, gave Tatsuki a betrayed look, whispered, "_Et tu, Tatsuki-chan_?" in a bad accent, and collapsed on the soggy ground.

Tatsuki nudged Orihime with her shoe. "You okay?"

"I'm _really _hungry," came the muffled reply.

…

_Urahara Shoten, Underground Training Facility, 1900._

The usual silence was broken by the sound of footsteps. Weary, dragging footsteps. A manufactured breeze kicked up a swirl of dust through which a figure could be seen approaching from the horizon. Her gaze was unfocused, her hair out of place, but she kept on moving, reflecting on the events of the afternoon.

Tatsuki had taken her to her place and made rice balls. They were the only thing she knew how to cook, and they weren't all that great, but it had to be the most delicious meal Orihime had eaten since the bread that morning. While devouring the onigiri, she overheard a phone conversation between Tatsuki and her accomplice, which concluded with, "_And if you're only going to call to ask for favors, then stick to emails, geez. What? I do not ignore them! Some people actually have lives – quit talking to me like I'm a nincompoop! What do you mean 'You said it, not me?' I'm hanging up now. Uh-huh. Yeah, whatever."_

Tatsuki had come back into the den, grumbling under her breath. "Hime, can you tell your boyfriend that just because I accept his money doesn't mean he can treat me like crap?" Then she'd stopped, and slowly lifted her hands in a gesture of surrender, because she'd left Orihime alone with the dart gun, and it was now being pointed at her chest. "Whoa… okay, let's not be hasty…"

Orihime emptied the pistol into her traitorous best friend's ribcage and left her crumpled over the table.

From the part of the phone call she'd heard that didn't make her want to laugh, she'd gauged that Tatsuki was supposed to deliver her to Urahara's underground training facility at seven o'clock. She commended Ulquiorra for counting on her to overthink his strategy and not look for him in the most obvious place, but she'd praise his foresight tomorrow.

It was late. She was starving. And she was out for blood.

The wind died down, allowing the dust to settle. At a distance, a lone man stood, hands in his pockets. Orihime staggered over to him.

Ulquiorra Cifer stared her down with calculating, dispassionate eyes, as if he was pinpointing every one of her physical weaknesses for exploitation. She hated that look. It made him feel like a stranger; like they hadn't spent the last few months meeting in secrecy, carrying on an affair that would have earned them each a swift death by firing squad if they'd been found out. "Where's the food?" she growled.

"Safe," he said without a hint of emotion.

She didn't want to ask. She couldn't afford to show weakness. But damn it, what about their relationship? Frustration brought tears to her eyes. "You betrayed me." He didn't even flinch. "Why?" No answer but the wind. "I'm asking you why!" she sobbed.

Ulquiorra might as well have been a stone for all he reacted. "Do you hate me?" The woman before him shook her head, quivering with the force of her sorrow. He left her where she was, grabbing the weapon he had procured for her, and threw it at her feet. "We will settle this now, like soldiers."

Orihime recoiled from the rifle. "Ulquiorra-kun, it's illegal to have these!" she squeaked.

"They are paint guns," he assured her.

She hesitated, picked it up, accidentally fired fifteen rounds into the ground, and was pleased to see red paint staining the dirt. "Thank goodness!" Then she let out a savage war cry, and aimed the gun at Ulquiorra.

The final battle had begun.

…

_Urahara Shoten, Back Office, 1915._

"Hey, has he answered you yet?" Yoruichi asked, purring contentedly as Kisuke combed his fingers through her long, violet hair. He angled her head so that he could tickle her neck with his stubble.

"From what I can see, he hasn't even told Orihime-san," Urahara responded. As much as he wanted to postpone this talk for later – it wasn't often that he found Yoruichi in an amorous mood, after all – he could never resist the siren call of sharing his intelligence with her. "It's fascinating," he began, running his hands up and down her sides. "Had it been six months ago, he would have told her by the end of the week. Had it been ten months ago, he would have told her immediately."

Yoruichi gave it some thought. "They're in a relationship now, though."

"Yes," Kisuke murmured into her shoulder, "but I think it's more than that." He leaned back, bring Yoruichi with him to lie against his chest. "Cifer-san has become aware of other people's feelings. How simple it is to hurt them. Although, with him, it varies from person to person; he would not spare mine the stab of his wit, but have you noticed how he behaves when it comes to Ururu, or Kurosaki-san's sisters?"

"Come to think of it, he is a bit – hmm… _nicer _isn't the word…"

Kisuke chuckled. "Definitely not, but the distinction exists." In the short pause, they could hear a muffled explosion from underground. "If he loves Inoue-san enough to create this entire adventure for her, to spare no expense for her happiness, then I believe he is ready to take the next step to becoming human."

Yoruichi gazed at him curiously. "Which is?"

"Coming to terms with the fact that he _will_ hurt her someday, and that it won't be the death of either of them."

…

Paint was everywhere. On rocks. On scraggly dead trees. In craters that appeared to have been carved into the earth by hidden paint bombs. And in the middle of it all, Orihime and Ulquiorra were caught in a deadlock; she stood over him with the tip of the rifle an inch from his forehead, he pointed his rifle just above her left breast. They were out of breath, covered in dried and still-wet paint, glaring at each other with all the hatred their tired bodies could spare.

"You've lost," Orihime panted, tossing her head to throw wet hair out of her face. "Now tell me where the food is."

"Never."

She relaxed her angry expression. "No, really, where is it? You didn't leave it out, did you?"

Ulquiorra looked insulted. "Of course not. It's upstairs."

"Okay, good." Orihime pressed her rifle into his forehead. "_You're still defying me_?"

Knowing that a shot from this close could seriously injure her, Ulquiorra shifted his weapon to the side and fired past her arm. Orihime took the hint. Her eyes flew wide, her grip on her weapon loosened, she began to fall straight backwards… and was caught by Ulquiorra at the last second, who allowed himself to show emotion only now that he knew she was dead. "I'm sorry," he said, then unceremoniously dropped her onto the ground.

"Hey!"

He set his rifle aside and began checking himself for damage. A few sore spots that would end up bruising; he was lucky he could still take decent hits if he concentrated his energy on hardening his body. The woman had utilized her shield to prevent injury from the paintballs. Their clothes, however, would either have to be washed twenty times, or thrown away.

Orihime sat up, pouting at having been tossed aside so carelessly. "Just for that I think I'll shoot you while you're sleeping."

"You enjoyed yourself, then." He sounded suspiciously self-conscious.

"Of _course _I enjoyed myself!" Orihime cried, then winced as her stomach folded in on itself. When she finally sat down to eat, she was going to eat an entire pig. "You could have targeted something other than the food, though."

"Nonsense," Ulquiorra reached out and pushed her paint-smeared bangs away from her temple, "the sense of urgency would not have been quite as authentic." She giggled, shifted closer to him, and leaned in until her forehead touched his.

"Thank you," she said.

He gave her a gentle kiss. "Happy White Day."

**/TBC/**

**A/N: **Hey everyoooone. You might have noticed, you might not have noticed, but I'm going to point it out either way: **From now on, the rating of this story has changed from T to M. **If you're not comfortable with mature (sexual) subject matter (which is like none of you), you might want to skip the next chapter. Otherwise, be aware of the shift in tone that's coming.


	72. Utopia

**A/N: **Surprise! It's a two-fer. I typed this entire chapter on my tablet between the hours of two and five in the morning and as a consequence I've been running on three hours of sleep today.

**Warning: **Sexual content ahead. I wanted to write this partly because it's an important (unfortunate?) aspect of being a human male, and also to reiterate why Ulquiorra and Orihime aren't on the same level as Ichigo and Rukia, or the other couples in this story who've been bumpin' uglies since before chapter one.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Bleach or any other copyrighted material.

**Tell Yourself**

**By: Princess Kitty1**

**Utopia**

_This isn't real. _There were no stars in the endless void above. The real sky had stars - billions of them, uncountable, one for every soul that had ever lived. The only star in this darkness was the one he'd ripped from the heavens and trapped beneath him.

Panting, murmuring, feeble complaints. Words that had stopped making sense after he'd filled her with every last inch of him. Her clouded eyes were still seeking objections even as her hands grappled for a secure hold on his slick skin. She whispered his name like it was something important that she'd forgotten to tell him.

_This isn't real. _He tasted the salt of tears and sweat on her lips, devoured her moans while attempting to smother his own. How could that small, wet mouth of hers still glide over his so innocently when the rest of her body succumbed to the carnal yearning for release, the spiritual need for completeness?

_Because this isn't real._

His eyes opened, and he saw the stars. Pinpoints of light fading into the dawn, like the dream that rapidly retreated to his subconscious, where it would wait for the next opportunity to provoke him.

He waited. Inhaled and exhaled steadily through his nose. He would not give in to such base desires. He did not dare to move until he was sure that he would not attack the woman whose footsteps had just moved past his door. Then, and only then, did he allow himself to sit up and think about what needed to be done that day.

...

He had all manner of dreams about Orihime. Stupid ones. Vivid ones. Nightmares. Dreams that made no sense, but tempted him to smile regardless.

"Good morning, Ulquiorra-kun!"

Long before they'd kissed, he had felt her lips against his in the depths of sleep; so often that the first real kiss was jarring in an out-of-body sort of way. He'd had to relearn a part of her that his treacherous mind had feigned to know.

Presently, she moved around the kitchen, grabbing things that did not seem to go together, to be consumed during her morning commute. His disciplined gaze found a point between her shoulder blades and stayed there.

"We've got graduation rehearsal this afternoon. I sure wish they'd wait until next month, though. I'm going to cry my eyes out."

Up to a certain point, it had just been her lips, and her neck on rare occasions - she had such a _tantalizing _neck. But even in dreams he wouldn't dare trespass any further. She had shared her heart with him, not given it away; and he was no petty thief.

"And I know what you're thinking: 'There is no reason to cry, woman. You're going to college, not dying, and even then your friends will still be able to see you.' Well, save it. I've already decided that I'm going to cry and you can't stop me."

He was thinking of her legs, creamy and smooth, tightening around his waist as he pushed her into the sofa cushions. "You are a fool," he said, more to himself than to her.

"It can't be helped," she replied cheerfully. Her breakfast concoction finished, she shoved it into her school bag and headed for the door. "I'll see you later, okay?"

"Hn." The scent of her floral body wash reached him belatedly in the wake of her departure. Peace settled over the apartment, broken only by Ulquiorra's quiet, shuddering sigh.

...

The first one had caught him off guard. They were back at the onsen just days after leaving it, and her robe had fallen open, the sash undone; he still didn't know who had been responsible for that. He remembered thinking, Isn't she cold? Then, in true dream fashion, all had skipped around in a jumble of confusion, and when it stabilized her exposed body was moving in time with his, generating enough heat for the both of them.

He'd woken up utterly disgusted with himself.

Human mating rituals had never tempted or inspired him before. They were hideous acts of violence; men forcing parts of themselves that were too big into parts of women that were too small, exchanging bodily fluids, putting themselves at risk for disease, and for what? A few minutes of pleasure that wasn't always guaranteed, and pregnancy that almost always was? Where the hell did the romance come in?

And yet, it was everywhere. In movies, television, books, thoughts, and conversations. A friendly subliminal message from human DNA: Don't forget to partner off and try to create another human before you die. Ridiculous.

Then the second dream had come, longer and more vivid than the first. She'd snuck into his bed to seek shelter from a thunderstorm. Chaste kisses had transformed into hungry, open-mouthed explorations. Still clothed - too impatient to even strip properly - he'd rocked into her, breathless with pleasure, desperately searching for something he didn't understand.

And when he'd seen his reflection in the morning, the black had been trying to overcome the green of his eyes.

...

After the fifth dream, it became clear that they had no intention of stopping. Therefore, Ulquiorra created a list, a series of mental locks that he could use to keep his human desires in check.

First, an image of the woman doting on her stuffed animal collection. _Click._

Second, the memory of Valentine's Day, when she'd told him she would be alright if they slowed down. _Click._

And third - the most painful - a statement that had never been uttered but was as cold, hard a fact as the heart beating in his chest: She didn't love him. _Click._

Maturity, readiness, and love. Three very important ingredients for a sexual encounter, and though she was not entirely void of them, she was lacking enough that it mattered.

These were the truths that kept Ulquiorra Cifer sane. This was what enabled him to prevent the dreams from bleeding into reality, what cemented his hands to his pockets whenever she drew near enough for him to feel her warmth, her softness, her humanity.

Though there existed a beast howling in the dark side of his heart, he was, for the present, strong enough to hold it there.

...

Orihime returned home a blubbering mess that afternoon, as promised. She sat on the couch beside Ulquiorra and swore that she would stop soon. It was almost out of her system. He had been reading all day, and now put down his book, waiting for her sniffles to subside.

"You're right," she sighed, dabbing at her cheeks with a handkerchief, "I'm acting like a fool. We'll be able to visit each other, right? It's not like we're moving to different planets."

Ulquiorra stared straight ahead. He'd made up his mind earlier that he would test his restraint by not fleeing at the sight of her. He'd be fine, unless she touched him, and she rarely did. There was no danger.

He took the opportunity to remind himself that _this _was reality. Not the imposter who swore to feelings she didn't have and begged him, in wounded sounds and broken sobs, to guide her to rapture. No, the real Orihime Inoue was this naive young woman who... was not staying on her side of the couch like she normally did, but rather decided that today was one of those days where she wanted to lean on him for comfort. He would have gotten angry, had he not been so concerned by the ominous snap of his mental restraints. _How many times had he told her he wasn't there to comfort her?_

"You're not going to say anything smart?" Orihime managed to look surprised through swollen eyes. Her hair was slightly disheveled, her nose pink from rubbing it with her handkerchief. She didn't notice the expansion of his pupils when she lifted her hand to his forehead. "Are you feeling alright?"

A gasp flew unbidden from her throat. Ulquiorra had seized her wrist in a vicelike grip, and a moment later, she was staring at the ceiling, at him, in a voiceless state of shock. He'd shoved her onto the couch so suddenly that she hadn't had time to react, and she was still struggling to form a reaction when his lips came down on hers.

It took every remaining ounce of Ulquiorra's self-control not to shiver. The taste of those salty tears brought the dream back with such force that he could have groaned. But this wasn't a dream, he thought. The girl beneath him was confused, not wanton.

It was a happy sort of confused, though. Interpreting the unexpected kiss as an attempt to get her to stop crying, she closed her eyes and accepted it, responding with shy pecks of her own, oblivious to what she was doing to the man above her.

He now fought back the lust with everything he had. Focus. Her lips. Her pliant, innocent lips. Still unsure of how to move with his. He needed to kiss her more often, he decided. Perhaps harder. Hard enough to bruise - _no_. Stay in control. He swept his tongue over her mouth, remembering the chocolate that had tempted him before. He'd dreamt of that chocolate, too; of licking it right off of her sternum, which would have caused her thighs to squeeze together had he not been keeping them a- _no!_ She would withdraw. Surely she would tell him to stop. But she must not have been as embarrassed as she was a month ago, because her lips parted for him, ready to try going a little further again.

She was still hesitant, not used to the feelings such an intimate kiss created in her. Her stomach felt like it had disconnected from the rest of her and was floating freely above her intestines. Her face was so warm she began to fear that she would faint. But she didn't pull back from him. She lifted both hands to either side of his neck, ensuring that he had her permission to continue.

His tongue pushed on hers, and she mimicked him, sighing when they locked together and unwound, then again, and again. Her left hand slipped farther, fingertips brushing the base of his neck. Her head tilted. The kiss evolved into something more, something deeper, something out of control. It was becoming difficult to breathe. Her heart thrashed in her ribcage like an injured, terrified animal. Then he took her bottom lip between his and gave it a gentle suck, sending all the heat in her face downwards, down into parts of her that weren't accustomed to fire.

She pushed on his shoulders, scrambled out from underneath him until she felt secure against the arm rest, and shook her head fast.

One. _Click._

"I'm sorry," she whispered. "I'm not..."

Two. _Click._

The enraged beast's claws swiped the empty air just centimeters from her auburn locks.

Three. _Click._

She met his eyes and found them no different than usual. He looked away. "There is no need to apologize," he said as he stood from the sofa, showing her his rigid back. "I am the one at fault."

...

This was paradise. A place where the sun and the moon were never obscured by clouds, where the weather was consistently favorable, where there would be a home to return to no matter how far one roamed. Being secure of her affection was like that - beyond what he could have ever dared to ask for. For a once hollow man, desirous of nothing, it was almost _too _much.

But that was the damnable thing about being human:

He always wanted more.

**/TBC/**


	73. The Talk

**A/N: **In case you didn't read the last chapter, no, they didn't do it. Everything's… relatively fine.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Bleach or any other copyrighted material.

**Tell Yourself**

**By: Princess Kitty1**

**The Talk**

With graduation a few weeks away, Orihime cherished the lunches shared with her best friends. It reminded her of when they were first years, before Rukia had been taken back to Soul Society, how time would fly while they talked and laughed about all the things going on in their lives. These days they would lapse into thoughtful silences, and their conversations were peppered with plans for the future.

"I've decided to go for a vice captain position," Rukia was saying. "It was hard for me due to personal reasons for a long time, but... I think I'm ready to accept that responsibility."

"Congrats!" Tatsuki grinned at her. "We support you, even if it means you won't be able to see us often. Just take Ichigo along, please. He'll be a total drag with all his moping otherwise, and since he isn't going to university, I'll be the one who gets to deal with his sorry ass."

Orihime couldn't picture Ichigo moping in the traditional sense of the word. He was more of a sullen silences kind of guy, who could still function, if only to convince himself that he wasn't sad. She giggled, because it was something that he had in common with Ulquiorra. One of his favorite TV shows had been canceled recently, and after staccato complaints – "The ratings were fine. It is a stupid business decision." – he'd taken to spending that hour outside of the apartment.

"You've been unusually quiet today, Hime," Chizuru noted. "Scared that you'll start up the waterworks again? I'd offer to comfort you, but that psychopath of yours said he'd rip my arms off if I put them anywhere near you."

"Is that why you're sitting across from her?" Rukia poked her straw into her juice box.

"Don't worry, he's not serious. That's just his way of expressing friendship," Tatsuki said in a tone that suggested she doubted her statement but _hoped_ that there was truth to it. "Ryo, guys, over here!"

Their clique was an interesting one. Approximately half of them could either see spirits or were involved with them in some way, while the other half bought the stories that Rukia was a transfer student and Orihime's boyfriend was an older guy with rumored mafia ties (working at Urahara Shoten only served to confirm it; the place was "super shady"). The girls made their way over, Michiru in the middle of comforting a haggard-looking Ryo.

"What's the matter with her?" Rukia asked.

Ryo sat down heavily. "My freaking cousin's getting married and she's driving us all ape shit. Can you believe it? A month ago the woman's getting falling down drunk on Valentine's Day because she's thirty-two and still single, then like the very next week she meets the love of her life entirely by chance. Who _does_ that?"

"Someone's bitter," Chizuru sang into her tea, making Tatsuki snort.

Orihime gasped. "You mean your librarian cousin?"

"The one and only."

"Ah! Ulquiorra-kun will be so happy to hear that!" she cried, earning her weird stares from the half of the group that knew him somewhat well. "He goes to the library a lot." They nodded in understanding, but it was still hard to imagine him being happy for anyone.

"Speaking of," Mahana leaned forward with a sneaky smile, "how _are_ things with you and your older boyfriend?Have you guys, you know... _done it_ yet?"

"Done what?"

"Cut it out, Mahana. It's not like that with them," Tatsuki scolded her.

"Eh? But that's boring! He's in his twenties, isn't he? Guys in their twenties are total dogs."

Orihime was starting to catch on. Her eyes widened, heat rushed to her cheeks, and she waved her hands in front of her furiously. "No, Ulquiorra-kun isn't like that at all! He wouldn't do anything I'm not comfortable with."

"But you _do _want to have sex with him, right?"

"No!" she squeaked, crossing her arms to form an X. Why were they even asking her that? The most she'd done with Ulquiorra in their three months of dating was kiss, and the kissing was nice. She was happy with that. Why did there have to be anything else?

Michiru frowned. "Then you don't love him?"

"You don't have to love someone to sleep with them," Ryo said, ripping the lid off of her bento. "Haven't you ever heard of a friend with benefits?"

"That's enough!" Rukia snapped with such authority in her voice that the girls suddenly felt like standing at attention. She took Orihime's hands and uncrossed her arms. "Look, Orihime," she said gently, "sex is a big deal. A lot of people will try to tell you it isn't, but that's not true. It's so much more than just feel-good exercise. So don't you ever, _ever_ do it before you're ready, okay? Don't do it if it doesn't make you happy. Don't do it if you're being pressured, and if you are, you tell us and we'll mess him up, got it?"

Orihime blinked back tears and nodded. She'd been growing confused and worried, but Rukia's words had steadied her a bit, and if it didn't bother Ulquiorra, then it didn't bother her.

A light bulb clicked on in Orihime's brain. She looked at Rukia like she was seeing her for the first time. Her hands trembled, and her embarrassment was so extreme that it hindered her ability to speak. "H-H-Have you and... and K-K-K-K-Kurosaki-kun...?"

Rukia froze. She swallowed, let go of Orihime, and scratched her head. "A-Anyway, don't sweat it too much! You'll know you're ready when the time comes!"

"She's not denying it!"

"Oh my God, seriously?"

Tatsuki let out an exaggerated sob. "And here I thought Ichigo would never become a man! You're a hero, Kuchiki-san!"

Orihime kept to herself as the others tried to pry the gory details out of Rukia, but she couldn't help wondering about it. Ichigo and Rukia's bond had been deep from the beginning. They trusted each other instinctively. When they were separated after the war, it was obvious to Orihime – who'd been highly in tune with Ichigo's feelings back then – that he was suffering a lot. And when they were together again, their happiness was palpable. They were at ease with each other in a way that left no room for doubt or insecurity. It was no wonder they'd already done _that_. Maybe they would even get married...

Tatsuki, who despite mild curiosity would rather not hear anything about Ichigo's performance in bed, noticed Orihime's sad, distant expression. She'd expected her best friend to deny anything physical going on between her and Ulquiorra, but her flat out _no _when asked if she wanted there to be... it troubled her. Ulquiorra and Orihime were together, but their feelings weren't the same.

And that was something that no amount of nudging on Tatsuki's part would be able to fix.

**/TBC/**


	74. What Would Freud Say

**A/N: **"Ya wanna slow down, PK? I still haven't caught up with the other ten billion chapters you've posted this week." NO. I'm going out of state on Wednesday and, should I be rendered unable to update while there, I would like this mini-arc out of the way. In case my inspiration runs dry. Which I hope won't happen soon, because Orihime is wearing a new Hueco Mundo dress, and if Grimmjow shows up next chapter I'm going to lose my shit. (If anything Ulquiorra-related happens, I'm going to die. See y'all in heaven.)

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Bleach or any other copyrighted material.

**Tell Yourself**

**By: Princess Kitty1**

**What Would Freud Say**

"Ulquiorra Cifer, are you asleep?"

"Yes."

He was jolted awake by the repeated slam of a gavel, which echoed off the walls of Central 46's courtroom, the whole of which had been painted lavender since the last time he'd been there. "Are you sleep noooow?" demanded the same disembodied voice as before.

"No," Ulquiorra grumbled. He sure felt tired, though. Like he hadn't slept properly in days.

"Sleeping at his own trial! Demerit! _Demerit_!" another voice shrieked hysterically. "Off with his head!" The gavel was banged again, and it sounded so much like a gunshot that – oh, it _had_ been a gunshot. The woman who'd shrieked for his execution dropped two stories, landing on an innocent shinigami below. Her corpse folded in on itself just like Pacman, complete with a blip on its disappearance. The shinigami announced that he was fine.

"Court is now in session," said the first voice. "But first, let us warm up. _Starrk, cover yourself with your board!_"

Coyote Starrk sat in the third row, lounging in his chair, wholly unconcerned with the rules. "I just don't see the _point_," he whined. He lifted his board eventually, but not before writing I'm With Stupid on it, arrows pointing to everybody around him.

That settled, a tuning note was blown, then the entire court began to sing an a Capella version of the Hawaii Five-O theme song. They were surprisingly good, but Ulquiorra supposed that constant practice had made it perfect. After the last dramatic chord, an electronic sign flashed APPLAUSE above their heads. No one clapped.

"The next order of business is roll call! Anyone who is absent shall be sentenced to death, unless they provide a doctor's note. Where is that list...? Ah, there we are. Ah-hem. Number One?" "Here!" "Number Two?" "Present." "Number Three?" A chicken clucked. "Number – "

"Why am I here?" Ulquiorra interrupted, annoyed with the proceedings before they'd even officially begun.

"Shh!" Orihime sat beside him in a separate chair, wearing her Hueco Mundo dress, only the skirt was twice as poofy, making her look like a debutante. Ulquiorra noticed, rather enviously, that her chair was more like a throne, whereas his was a tiny plastic chair made for elementary school children. "I want to hear what comes after Number Three!"

But roll call seemed to have fast-forwarded while she was scolding him, because the next number called was forty-six. The first speaker cleared their throat again. "Moving on, Ulquiorra Cifer stands accused of withholding important information from Orihime Inoue! How do you plead?"

The voice of the Spirit King boomed from the heavens, and all forty-five judges scrambled from their seats to find new ones. In the chaos, a fight broke out, resulting in the responsible party being thrown by the bailiffs into a pit of live, rabid chinchillas. Orihime pulled Ulquiorra up by both arms and shoved him into her throne, but it immediately turned back into a plastic chair.

"We asked you a question," the judge said, once they were all settled, as if Ulquiorra had been expected to speak over the noise.

"I am not withholding anything from her."

"Your options were 'guilty' and 'not guilty.' Try again."

"Not guilty. There has not been a convenient time to bring it up, as such subjects require lengthy discussions and the woman is preoccupied by..."

"Wait, if this trial is about that guy's gross human feelings, can I be excused? I'm allergic," Grimmjow yelled from somewhere in the stands. "Look, I've got a doctor's note."

"Very well. Anyone else?"

A number of familiar voices grumbled similar complaints and vacated their seats. Unseen doors creaked open and slammed shut "Is that everybody?" the first judge asked when the last door had closed. "Yes? Alright, continue."

"I have a question!" One of the boards came down, revealing Orihime, who must have somehow cloned herself because she was also right next to Ulquiorra, watching the proceedings excitedly. "Are you really hiding something from me, Ulquiorra-kun?"

"Off with his head!" cried another voice, which was subsequently silenced by a gunshot.

The Spirit King, who sounded just like Yachiru Kusajishi, said something garbled and unintelligible, and the judges began to rise from their seats again.

Ulquiorra leapt to his feet, knocking back the plastic chair. All the motion in the courtroom abruptly stopped. "If you are here to condemn me," he snapped, "at least have the decency to listen to what I have to say." And suddenly the forty-odd judges vanished, the Spirit King's heavy presence faded, and only Orihime was left, on her throne, in the stands before him.

"Your dreams are weird," she complained, then lifted the gavel and threw it at his head.

Ulquiorra woke up before he felt the impact. There was a blinding light in his eyes, and fingers combing through his hair. He remembered that the woman had offered to fix it for him while they watched television - which had, of course, put him to sleep within minutes. He could only be thankful that his dreams hadn't decided to take a very different turn.

"Did you know you make faces when you sleep?" The woman peered down at him, the tips of her hair tickling his cheek. "You did it in Hueco Mundo, too."

Ulquiorra tilted his head back to look into her eyes. If he had to pick one thing he missed about being heartless, it was definitely the minor role his conscience played in his decision-making. "I have something to tell you."

"Right now?" Orihime withdrew her hands from his scalp.

"Yes," he said, finding the remote, turning off the television, and plunging them into darkness, "right now."

**/TBC/**


	75. Waterfalls

**A/N: **IT'S ANOTHER TWO-FER. These next two chapters take place at roughly the same time on the same day, and that's why I'm posting them together. Also, like I mentioned a short while back, I'm going to be out of state for the next week, so if Ulquiorra returns while I'm gone please scream _especially loud_ so that I'll know shit's going down in the fandom.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Bleach or any other copyrighted material.

**Tell Yourself**

**By: Princess Kitty1**

**Waterfalls**

The sun was high, the sky a cheerful, springtime blue. Every so often a fat cloud would drift in front of the sun, casting massive shadows on the earth below. One such shadow tiptoed into the Karakura Library, mindful of the signs on the walls reminding patrons to please be quiet, and crept directly down an aisle between two wood tables. It skirted the top half of an open book, brushed its fingertips across the pale hand resting over a picture of a waterfall, but went unnoticed despite its silent plea for attention. Then the shadow was gone and the sun reasserted itself, dust swirling in its light.

Ulquiorra stared at the pages in front of him. _Angel Falls... Venezuela... highest uninterrupted... 979m_. He'd read the passage ten minutes ago, then again two minutes ago, and he still had no idea what it said.

"_He wants you to go with him?_" Even though he'd spoken the words out loud, it hadn't seemed real. It was just an idea, a memory. A conversation he'd had with his boss during an otherwise average workday. And then, in that special way that was unique to Orihime Inoue, she'd given meaning to the interaction. "_For how long?_"

"_I do not know_."

Angel Falls was the world's highest uninterrupted waterfall. Its water came from the Guaja River, and plunged a distance of 979 meters before being swallowed by rapids. Ulquiorra didn't understand.

The woman had stared and stared and stared, and then... she'd smiled. A maddening smile. The kind that often made him forget to be upset with her when she wouldn't get serious. "_This is fantastic!_" She'd grinned her dazzling grin, and she'd told him to wait while she clicked on the lights, and then she'd come back to the sofa demanding details that he didn't have.

Where were they going, exactly? Were they taking an airplane? She'd never been on an airplane, but she'd heard they were fun. Was he excited? Had he even said yes? Would they have to make him a passport? He _must _have been excited, because she was excited for him. She'd taken both of his hands as she said so.

"_You are not upset?_"

A firm shake of her head. "_How can I be? Ulquiorra-kun, you used to come to me when you had a question on your mind, but it's like you said: you had something to _tell_ me, not _ask_ me. You've made this decision already, on your own. Why would I try to stop you?_"

Because they were together. Because she had feelings for him. Because she was supposed to get worried, and say that it made her uneasy, and show a little reluctance.

Because she was supposed to _care_, damn it.

And Ulquiorra couldn't fathom why water would continually plunge 979 meters off some godforsaken cliff on the other side of the world, but the woman he loved wouldn't shed a single tear over the thought of him leaving.

"Cifer-san, you were here?" His thoughts were broken into by the brunette librarian, Yuri, who'd been walking by with a cart when she'd noticed him staring into space. She would have commented on the fact that he wasn't reading a love story, but there was something off about him; an almost imperceptible change that anyone who hadn't conversed with him frequently would have missed. "Are you alright?" she asked. "You look sad."

Ulquiorra lifted his head and stared at her desolately. "Is it true that American restaurants serve pickles with every meal?"

...

It took less than a minute for Yuri to figure out that Ulquiorra was planning to leave Karakura Town, and the fact that she had the reaction he'd been expecting from Orihime made him feel even worse. "First Rina-chan, now Cifer-san!" She sighed a sigh so heavy that it made her entire body slump. "Come with me."

Ulquiorra got up and followed for lack of anything better to do. He wasn't in the mood to read. He'd only gone to the library because he couldn't stomach the thought of being in the apartment after his shift had ended.

Yuri led him to a door just behind a shelf holding dusty encyclopedias. It was marked 'Employees Only,' and had been propped open with a footstool. "It's a bit cramped, so we won't be offended if you don't want to stick around."

Kumiko appeared in the doorway. "Eh? Is that Cifer-san?" She waved him closer. "What perfect timing! Rina-chan, look who showed up for your party!"

The room - an office for the librarians - was indeed cramped. It could only comfortably fit two people at a time with all the furniture, and now there were four, plus a half-eaten cake and a banner hanging from the ceiling reading _We'll Miss You Kunieda-san_! Rina, the freckled woman who had very nearly ruined Ulquiorra and Orihime's 'first date,' put down her plate of cake and hurriedly swallowed her bite. "Cifer-san! Can you believe it?" She thrust out her left hand, showing off the diamond ring on her finger. "I'm getting married!" she cried, then instantly burst into tears.

"There she goes again." Kumiko rolled her eyes. "Want some cake, Cifer-san? You look a little blue."

Ulquiorra declined, feeling uncomfortable. He could only handle so much of other people's emotions. "That's what I told him. Did you know that he's leaving us too, Kumiko-chan?"

"No!" Rina gasped, sniffling. "Where are you going?"

"_America_," Yuri answered for him, as if they were the best of friends. "Good thing he taught himself English, right? Are you sure you don't want any cake?"

"How sad," Kumiko murmured after Ulquiorra declined the cake again, "it won't be the same without you here. Not that you've been visiting as much. Rina-chan was worried she wouldn't see you before she left."

"Ooh! That reminds me! I'll be right back," Rina said, all but scurrying out the door.

Yuri had cut herself a slice of cake, and stole Rina's chair as soon as it was vacated. "So, Cifer-san, it's been a while since you've asked us for any love stories. I'm guessing things worked out with that beautiful girl you brought here a few times?"

Ulquiorra slipped his hands into his pockets. "We have been in a relationship for three months." He almost regretted saying so when the two gasped happily. But Kumiko caught on fast, and her expression became worried.

"Wait, you're leaving, though."

"Oh yeah... How's she taking it? The poor thing."

'Poor thing' didn't describe Orihime Inoue in the slightest. "She is not dying."

"Who isn't dying?" Rina asked, having returned with a plastic bag in hand.

"Cifer-san's girlfriend. That really pretty girl he comes here with sometimes. The one with the long hair, remember? He's leaving Japan, and if his reaction is any indicator, she's not too broken up about it." Ulquiorra's eyes narrowed marginally. Now he remembered why he'd often been tempted to kill this bunch.

Rina snorted. "Trust me, she's broken up about it. Women are weird like that. When we're in a relationship, we don't want to do anything to make our men worry unnecessarily."

"She's been in a relationship for three weeks and suddenly she's an expert," Yuri said to Ulquiorra.

"It sounds to me like she's in shock, and the only way to cure that is by being direct! Passionate! Grab her by the wrists, shake her, and tell her that you love her! Tell her you can't stand the thought of being apart, and beg her to make you stay!" Rina's freckles had all but disappeared with the intensity of her blush. "She'll break down crying and say, 'Baka! Don't you know how lonely I'm going to be?' And then you embrace her!" Ulquiorra was looking at Rina like he wanted to strangle her. "Or, y'know, don't."

"We're sorry about her," Kumiko said blandly.

Rina reached into the plastic bag she'd brought in. "Anyway," she withdrew a wrapped gift, which she held out to Ulquiorra, "this is for you! I'm so glad I got to give it to you in person. It might come in handy during your travels."

He accepted the package, curiosity getting the better of him. It was a book, small enough to fit in one hand, full of blank pages. No lines or boxes for characters; just clean page after clean page. Ulquiorra thanked her, and, despite himself, added a delayed congratulation.

He left the weepy librarians to their party, thinking as he walked home that they had hardly ever been useful to him, and had nearly poisoned his opinion of human love with their terrible advice. But the Quincy had been right: they weren't bad people. They had even managed to lift his mood a bit.

**/TBC/**

**A/N**: Goodbye Kumiko, Yuri, and Rina! Good luck in your love lives (you're gonna need it)! Ulquiorra's favorite librarians have taken a bow. Now let's see what Orihime is up to.


	76. The Devil in the Detail

**A/N: **Part two. Same warnings. Same reminder to wake me up if Ulquiorra appears in the Bleach manga somehow.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Bleach or any other copyrighted material.

**Tell Yourself**

**By: Princess Kitty1**

**The Devil in the Detail**

The sun was high, the sky a cheerful, springtime blue. Every so often a fat cloud would drift in front of the sun, casting massive shadows on the earth below. One such shadow, having briefly visited the Karakura Library, made its way to the local high school, where it snuck past a freshman girl confessing to a second year boy by the front gate. It slid up the building's facade, darkening classrooms where club meetings were being held as it went, and crashed over the roof like a tidal wave, soaking the young woman standing there alone. Then it moved on, and the sun resumed heating up the locks on the chain-link fence.

Orihime stared at the locks in front of her. There was an urban legend surrounding them; if a person were to get their crush's lock and fasten it to the fence, he or she would later ask them out. She remembered wanting Kurosaki-kun's once upon a time.

"_Urahara Kisuke is leaving Japan on business in July, and has extended an invitation to me. He will be entrusting the store to his associate Tessai in the meantime._" Ulquiorra had a manner of looking at Orihime when he told her things like this. It was his wordless way of pronouncing his uncertainty, asking her what she thought he should do.

He hadn't looked at her once.

"_He wants you to go with him_?" she'd echoed back to Ulquiorra, her hand twitching with the desire to reach for him, to turn his head towards her, to reassure herself that he was waiting for an excuse to say no. "_For how long_?" What was she doing? Wasn't she being selfish? Wasn't she acting an awful lot like a frightened child?

"_I do not know_."

No, Urahara-san. She was sorry, but she couldn't part with Ulquiorra. Not now. Not when everything was changing. Not when her friends wouldn't be there for her. Someone was screaming shrilly in the back of her mind: No, no, no, _no, no_!

And then she'd smiled. An insane smile, one that felt so startlingly authentic that she wondered where it had come from and how it could betray her at such a time. "_This is fantastic_!" It wasn't a lie. He wouldn't be able to read her if she was genuinely happy for him that he'd been offered the chance to leave Karakura Town. If he hadn't found his meaning there, maybe it would be... wherever they were going.

Where were they going, exactly? Were they taking a plane? She'd made some drive-by comment about having never been on a plane. Was he excited? Had he even said yes? Would they have to make him a passport? He must have been excited, because she was excited for him. She'd taken both of his hands and told him _and_ herself that she was excited for him.

"_You are not upset_?" He was trying to doubt her sincerity, but she wouldn't let him. She would kick her feelings into the closet and lock the door, leaving nothing for him to see but clean and beautiful approval.

"_How can I be_?" She'd been so busy hiding her own wound that she hadn't noticed the flicker of pain in his eyes. There was no arguing with the logic. He'd made the decision before he'd even consulted her about it, and she wasn't going to stop him from reaching his full human potential when he'd progressed this far.

"Inoue-senpai?" The first year who'd been sent in search of her stepped tentatively from the staircase. "The Craft Club is having a glue gun emergency..." Though the beautiful young woman's back was turned to her, the girl felt heavy looking at her, like the Inoue-san gripping the chain-link fence with her face turned skyward was more of a stranger than the happy-go-lucky school idol. It was a forlorn image of a heart crying out for help.

Then Orihime whipped around, her expression one of perfect, comical panic. "A glue gun emergency?! What are we standing around here for?!" She bolted forward, threw her arm around the freshman's neck, and dragged her away.

...

Once the glue had been cleaned and the guilty party - an overeager first year boy - had been scolded severely by Ishida, the meeting adjourned. Orihime helped put the materials away, then declined an invitation to get ice cream with the underclassmen. "I feel kind of feverish," she said with an apologetic bow, "so I think it'd be best if I went home. I wouldn't want to get any of you sick."

Some voiced complaints, while others offered her advice on how to get rid of a fever, and hoped she wouldn't develop a cold so close to graduation. Underclassmen were adorable; like little puppies before the stress of school and crushes wore them down. She promised to make it up to them next time.

Orihime left the building without a single nostalgic thought or fond glance at significant places. But other than that, she didn't let her head or shoulders droop for one second, because she was being followed. "Ishida-kun, you don't have to worry. I'll be fine on my own."

Uryuu Ishida didn't break his stride, keeping his eyes on her, and his concern from closing the distance between them. "It's strange for you to decline an invitation for ice cream."

"Not really. I've been gaining a bunch of weight lately."

"Where's Ulquiorra?" The name found the crack in her defenses and punctured her heart like a needle. "He usually waits for you by the gate today."

"I don't know. Maybe he's busy."

Uryuu stopped, his fingers tightening around the handle of his school bag. "Aren't you being a little cold, Inoue-san?" His words sounded petulant even to him, but Ulquiorra wasn't the only one who'd noticed her bad habit of holding things in, and he certainly wasn't the only one who cared about her. She slowed to a stop several yards ahead of him. Uryuu checked his feelings, the way he'd done a thousand times before. "I'm sorry," he said, "I didn't..."

"No, you're right." Orihime turned to him with the saddest smile he'd ever seen. "I'm being unfair to Ishida-kun."

The only unfairness, he thought as they continued their silent walk, was the fact that she didn't love him, but he still worried about her like this. He noticed belatedly that she'd taken a different route to her apartment, one that carried them past the craft store. He didn't ask her where she was going. She didn't tell him. She merely left the road for a grassy slope that led her down into a small children's park. There was a swing set close to them; she dropped her school bag on the ground and sat on the plastic seat. Uryuu hesitated, then took the empty swing beside her. Had she meant to come here? Or was this just the first place that had appealed to her?

"Ishida-kun," she said after some silent swinging, "how do you stop someone from leaving?"

A thousand questions fired through Uryuu's mind, along with memories he wasn't pleased to recall. "You tell them 'Don't go,' and hope that they listen."

Orihime laughed. "It's really that easy, huh?" The swing creaked as she gently rocked herself back and forth. "I wonder why it's so hard for me to say that to Ulquiorra-kun." She could sense Ishida's questioning stare. "He doesn't realize it, but he's so far ahead of me. Even though he thinks he doesn't know what to do, and is concerned about the future, he's much steadier than I am. His heart is strong, and never wavers. It's easy to see that he's tried his best because this life is important to him."

"Of course it is," Uryuu said, "you gave it to him."

She shook her head, as if it were possible to deny the truth. "Maybe that's why I can't tell him not to go. I can't ask him to give up his life for me, because... he would. I think. Is that presumptuous of me to say?"

No, Uryuu thought, remembering the hollow that fought to keep a human woman who was no longer relevant to his mission. "You don't give yourself enough credit, Inoue-san." He didn't say that he would gladly do the same for her. "For what it's worth, I think you're amazing."

Orihime laughed again, but this time it seemed that her sadness had diminished some. "Thank you, Ishida-kun." She smiled at him. "I'll really miss you when you go to Tokyo U. You'll make a great doctor, though!"

Uryuu cringed. He normally wouldn't have done anything to make him resemble his father, but knowledge of medicine would be far too useful in the battlefield. Besides, it would take him a safe distance away from Karakura Town, away from the woman whose heart would never belong to him, and perhaps towards someone who would look at him the way Orihime was looking at the bright blue sky.

As they parted ways at the top of the hill, he called out to her before she'd gone very far. "Inoue-san," he said, and she glanced at him, "do your best."

"You too," she shot back, sounding much like her old self.

Uryuu watched her walk, sighing through his nose. He was starting to understand what she'd said about not being able to stop someone from leaving. The words had caught in his throat, making it harder to breathe, so he started for home in the hopes that the spring air would clear his head.

They were moving on, all of them; reluctantly, but surely, towards a future that was as bittersweet as it was alluring.

**/TBC/**

**A/N: **I am totally fine. -bursts into tears, sobs aggressively- Why isn't it Wednesday yet? Oh yeah, for those of you who are curious about my arm health, my nerves are going to be medically electrocuted in the near future! They can't figure out what's wrong with me, so it's time for the good ol' EMG. Ahahaha. Haha. Ha.


End file.
